<p>momalone, I will advice you to go and see a lawyer asap and under no circumstances go with the same attorney as ex-spouse, or unrepresented. What he said, “You take care of it and we’ll settle it later, at the end.” That’s really an indicator. You are paying all the house expenses and tuition now but if you delay you will probably have to split the income from any future sale of the house. Whether he can afford an attorney or not, that’s not your problem. Whether the house may be sold in the future, that’s an issue that can be discussed in the agreement. Listing also the responsibilities of each parent might also make the kids more receptive. You need to get a divorce and move on emotionally. It is clear in your post that you are hurting emotionally and there is a resentment towards him. Be strong, and cut your loses. Either spouse can file for divorce. Unless all ties and issues are settled, you wont be able to move on emotionally. You should really sit down your daughter, explain to her the family finances-your own, not you+ex- and discuss how she can help as you make all these sacrifices for her education.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking of this situation…really it’s time for a legal separation with clear financial responsibilties spelled out for everyone. Go see an attorney, legal aid, etc. You should not continue down this path, it’s not healthy or reasonable.</p>
<p>I skiooed to the end, but how about you sell the house and get a one bedroom condo with no couches?</p>
<p>I disagree that these chores constitute a different line item.</p>
<p>No parent is required to pay for college. It is a privilege. She should stop being so self centered and learn some compassion and respect.</p>
<p>We do not know the whole story here, but unless the mom is some sort of unfit mother (I doubt that, she cared enough to look up this site) that kid owes her mother some basic respect and gratitude. I’m so sick of seeing kids that think the world OWES them something. It’s a tough ole world out there. Learn how to bend your back.</p>
<p>I think everybody on this post is looking at this post in the totally wrong way. </p>
<p>There is clearly a reason that both the son and the daughter have ditched the mom to move in with the dad. I’m not saying you’re some sort of terrible mom, but there is something more than ‘daughter is a self-centered brat’. You should not put the blame on everybody else but instead look at yourself and ask why is it that the other three members of the family have ditched you. If I really disliked my mother, I wouldn’t want to paint her deck either.</p>
<p>Other than that, it would be really easy to pay the $3000 for maintenance and just have your daughter take out $3000 in federal loans (eek, I said the L-word). 3000 bucks isn’t that big of a deal.</p>
<p>We have no idea why the kids “ditched” the mom. Maybe they are just self-center $&$holes like their father. Who knows?</p>
<p>In any case, the kids are not entitled to anything after age 18. The sooner the spawn figures that out, the better!</p>
<p>bimbop…</p>
<p>I think you are off base. You have NO idea what the OPs situation is. To basically tell her to look into the mirror to solve her problems is flawed. I posted earlier that I suspect the daughter and the son before her live with the father because he is probably a “no rules” guy and it would be human nature to not want to be with parent who actually holds you accountable. The dad in this picture seems like a flake and I suspect when the going got a little tough, he bailed and probably started to have a little fun. The term “Disneyland Dad” wasn’t coined for nothing. Of course I truly have no idea the exact situation, but I have plenty of girlfriends at mid life who’s husbands have decided to “play”, leaving everything behind that even remotely looked like responsibility. There have been some wives on the block that have skipped out too…but I think the pressure men are under to be providers can crack many a good man.</p>
<p>Certainly nobody on this board can judge who is at fault, and we shouldn’t. That’s not what she’s asking. It can be a completely different story depending on who is telling it. I pretty much usually blame the guy, but of course that’s not fair and definitely not always true. Not the point here anyways, it’s dealing with the situation currently at hand.</p>
<p>That said, I don’t know that this is a good way to keep connections with your kids during a divorce. “When you come over and see me, you need to do yard work or I won’t pay for college!” That just doesn’t work. I would separate the two. If you can’t pay for school, or can only pay a portion, then tell her what you can do. If you need help sometimes, ask for it, but I don’t think I’d expect it. This is a tough enough situation for the kids, and if the ex makes being with him pleasant, and being with you is nagging and work, that doesn’t make for a good relationship. I’d just figure out another way to get my yardwork done.</p>
<p>collegeshopping, you told bimbop that he’s off base, and that he has NO idea about OP’s situation. And then you proceeded to launch a scattershot diatribe against the evil dad - all wild and baseless speculation. Nice!</p>
<p>Someone earlier commented that he’d like to hear both sides - the most intelligent comment in the thread.</p>
<p>The daughter did not ditch mom. She has been staying with mom the last 3 years and now is going to college. (Three years, means that the mom has been in this emotionally turmoil all this time.) Even though the question was about the daughter, there are more fundamental issues here. Mom needs to understand that it is over and she needs to cut the ties legally, in order to put closure to the emotional turmoil because it is not only affecting her, but the children as well. momalone, if you want to give your state/county and a bull park of your income, posters may be can offer referals for legal services for low income residents in your area.</p>
<p>Sympathy for all involved. The D may just want freedom to be a HS senior right now, and probably does not want to think about parents in the slightest, just like her peers. One of the awkward balancing points for kids of divorce/separation, is that their parents sometimes need them in a way that those with intact families do not. This can lead to resentment, as they certainly didn’t ask for all this turmoil! Yes, it looks spoiled. My HS seniors certainly looked spoiled at this point in the game. I’d say to choose another time for this discussion, like when school is over. </p>
<p>Have a discussion of some reasonable expectations, a few hours of shared yard work during the week, pay for painting. Avoid nagging, keep it light. Keep fun in your relationship. She is not responsible for the family dynamic. But all families need to work together for the common good. There is a balance in there somewhere. Threatening lack of support for college right now is probably not the greatest strategic move with graduation on the horizon. After graduation, some serious talking will be in order. </p>
<p>Busdrivers comments above are good sense regarding the feelings that drive a kid from one parent to another. Bimbop, I’d not underestimate the damage a parent can do, verbally trashing the other parent. One playing by the rules, and the other not can wreck havoc with offspring allegiances. </p>
<p>OP, let the ex know that you’ll be paying for some house maintenance. Give him the option of doing the work himself rather than paying for his half. Chances are, he’ll not bite. Costs of maintenance can be deducted from total proceeds after the sale.</p>
<p>Get a divorce lawyer and ask them.</p>
<p>You are really mixing two very separate issues. As far as home maintenance, my DH from whom I am not estranged is about as helpful as yours. I just might end up estranged if I pushed it. I also have 5 kids and getting them to do ANYTHING in this area is more difficult than pulling teeth. I don’t think this is an unusual problem. </p>
<p>What you CAN do, is explain that you feel your DD should be responsible for a portion of her college costs but you know that she does not have an easy way to earn that money. You also don’t have the money to pay her college AND do the home maintenance, but that you can pay her to do the work which she can pay towards college, or you have to pay someone else to do it and have that much less. Even then, you are going to have to compromise. My kids would be disowned 6 times over apiece at least if I kept them to the standards and deals of a number of home projects. My dilapadated back deck is direct evidence of that. I’ve paid them to fix,and paint it three time over at least.</p>
<p>Do pick your battles carefully and your ultimatums as well. But nothing wrong with trying to get some work out of them. It’s been one of my theme songs for years.</p>
<p>Some thoughts based on my own experience as a child of divorced parents:</p>
<p>When parents split up, kids can feel resentful that their lives have to be messed up because their parents couldn’t suck it up and keep living together. </p>
<p>I remember that when my parents broke up (when I was nine), I was very resentful that it meant that my mother, sister, and I would have to move in with my grandmother (for financial reasons). We had to change schools, right after I had been assigned to the most popular teacher in the school for the coming year, and we had to leave a neighborhood I liked and all my friends. And then, when my mother got her financial act somewhat together a year later (and my grandmother decided that we were driving her crazy), we ended up moving AGAIN, and again I had to leave a neighborhood and friends that I had grown to like (and, not incidentally, start junior high in a school where I couldn’t get some of the classes I wanted because they were full). </p>
<p>Later on, I came to resent the requirement to spend almost all weekends with my father, who did not live in the same town as my mother. It meant missing many activities with my friends and never getting to go to junior high dances – something for which I was teased unmercifully by my classmates.</p>
<p>And I eventually became aware of the reality that supporting two households on the same incomes that used to support one household means that there’s less money available. Parents have to say “no, we can’t afford it” more often. An older child, like your daughter, would become aware of this right away.</p>
<p>In my case, the financial situation got really bad after my mother remarried unwisely and divorced her second husband a year later. This mistake ended her alimony from my father permanently and led, for a while, to a drastic decrease in income. I remember having to wear clothes that were too small for me, postpone dental work, and sometimes not be able to do my homework because we had run out of filler paper and my mother couldn’t afford to buy more. I couldn’t do the required current events assignments for social studies class properly because you had to summarize articles from the local newspaper, and we couldn’t afford to subscribe to the newspaper. Our financial situation improved later, but for a while, things were extremely tight.</p>
<p>The overall feeling, from the kid’s point of view, tends to be “Why should I suffer because my parents have problems with each other? I’m not the one with the problems.” I don’t think this is being a spoiled brat. From the kid’s point of view, it’s the parents who are the spoiled brats because they have put their own needs (the need to live separately) ahead of the needs of others. A kid wouldn’t necessarily react the same way if the changes and hardships resulted from a parent losing a job, someone getting sick, or some other situation that was not the parents’ fault. But kids tend to see separation and divorce as choices – the parents could have chosen to stay together. </p>
<p>In that context, trying to get a kid to help out with chores in two households is asking a lot.</p>
<p>Of course, we, as adults, realize that there are circumstances where the only action that makes sense is for a couple to separate. But kids don’t see it that way.</p>
<p>Marian, having lived through my parents separation at age 9, I very much appreciate what you are saying. It is, and was a lot of hard times. One of the joys of my adult life is having plenty of office supplies in the house, and good dental work for all, having gone without at times as a child. We were not THAT impoverished but priorities were not always in the right places.</p>
<p>I understand that we all want to raise responsible children. However I do think this is a lot to ask of an eighteen year old. I would either create an apartment in the house and have the H give up the condo or sell the house. In my world college and kids come first and I have made many sacrifices to make this happen. People need to grow up, but they don’t grow up on a time table.</p>
<p>Looks like I x posted with Marian and Great lakes mom. I feel the same way.</p>