<p>Hi, I'm a mom with two kids, separated now for 3 yrs, and living in the family home. My husband moved into a condo. My son went with him. For the past 3 yrs, DD lived with me. She is a high school senior and will attend college in another state in Sept. This summer I was really hoping she would help me with home maintenance. Her dad (my husband) has not lifted a finger nor has he paid a dime towards home maintenance on this property we co-own for these past 3 years. For financial reasons we are not divorced (he tried once, used up his lawyer's hefty retainer and was too broke to continue, so he un-filed). The house maintenance is imperative (peeling paint, deck boards splitting from lack of stain, weeds everywhere, etc).<br>
I am trying to get him to help me, rather than saying his usual, "You take care of it and we'll settle it later, at the end." I was hopeful my DD would help (my son is a lost cause). She now states, "I don't want to help you with the deck. I don't live there anymore, so I'm not going to do chores for you." Of course, she wants my payment for half the tuition. I hesitate to threaten to cut her off, but I'm not sure how I can possibly do all the physical labor, pay all the maintenance bills, work full time, AND pay half her tuition. This is so unfair....how can I convince her to help me? I tried explaining to her that all the money I will spend on her tuition is money I am diverting from necessary home maintenance. Without her help to do these jobs ourselves, I really don't think I'll be able to afford both the tuition and the home maintenance. She really is not listening. Do I pay her tuition anyway for one year, and then if no improvement comes, cut her off? Should a kid who lives with Dad still do chores for Mom? Dad is certainly not getting "with the program"...he is undermining me big time, and poisoning her with all sorts of negative and false information.</p>
<p>Her logic is flawed. You aren’t going to college, so why should you pay for that? Huh.</p>
<p>Well… rather than paying for a year and then cutting off, you could lay out what you WILL pay minus the cost of hiring help with the maintenance items you need done. Tell her this is how much you have, and she and her dad can work out how to come up with the rest. However, that you are willing to hire HER for the maintenance provided she performs the tasks on time and up to your standards. Or she can get a different job to make up the difference from what you can pay, and you can still use that money toward repairs.</p>
<p>I would get tough now, not a year from now. That way she has a choice this summer to help you or get another job.</p>
<p>Unless you are obligated by your divorce settlement to pay half of tuition… then it is another story.</p>
<p>I would fix my house and if in was short for college so be it. Daddy can step-up. </p>
<p>I would sit down and show her the numbers. Get a quote for all the work. Tell her you will be short two thousand dollars. And she will need to work over the summer o make up the difference. Or dad can make up difference. And stick with it. Believe me she willmchange her tune if she sees you are serious. You are giving her fair warning.</p>
<p>nd sadly I wouldn’t do all the pre college shopping stuff either. Her attitude is awful</p>
<p>You can also point out the skills that she will learn doing this stuff. I do most of the home maintenance here. Rebuilt part of my deck last year, laid tile in my basement (550 sqft), tiled a backsplash, mow my yard, fix the mower… You name it, I do it. Its good for young women to see that they can do this stuff. Not waiting for someone to come do it or if they chose to hire it out, they know quality work. My DH is not available working full time and finishing his MBA.</p>
<p>If there are limited funds, well there are limited funds. Let your D know right away that future college funding is dependent on current help (and I would do it by the hour—X hours of active help = Y dollars of college funds). All kids would have the same information.</p>
<p>Have you considered contacting a legal aid organization for a legal separation? Perhaps that would clarify the financial situation, and get you either some money towards repair/upkeep or some sort of credit towards those expenses if the home is sold or you divorce in the future.</p>
<p>You are definitely in a tough situation that unfortunately has been in place for years. The reality of money needs to become real to your daughter. Bills for her tuition need to be sent to her so she sees them, including late notices. </p>
<p>Somehow you have to turn the tables and make it HER problem to get the tuition paid. Tell her you no longer will be sending in tuition AT ALL. She must come to you to get the money to pay her own tuition like all many other kids do whose parent contribute nothing. You will not give it to her without help.</p>
<p>That if she is unable to pay her own tutition, it is HER fault for not helping.<br>
I guess they call this tough love.</p>
<p>The expression is to “Put the monkey on the other person’s back” </p>
<p>Remove yourself from the reason her tuition is not paid that it is her lack of “working” in essence you are paying her to work and fix your house in exchange for tuition. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree with above posters. I would start to obtain quotes on what it would cost to have the repairs done (one from a deck guy and one from a yard guy) and then do a few things. Call your husband and discuss the prices. Tell him you are happy to pay the money toward the repairs but you will have to reduce it from you contribution for the tuition. Or you better yet, sit both your husband and daughter down and tell them this. This way your daughter can either do the work, she can get a job to make up the difference or dad can bail her out. It sounds as if your daughter is moving to dads because life is easier there (i.e., no responsibility) and frankly who can blame a kid for taking the path of least resistance. The other posters call you daughter a brat, but I disagree. Kids that act this way are products of their environment. She is behaving the way she is because it has been allowed and she has received some type of positive reinforcement to continue the behavior. The only behavior you can ever control is your own. At this point, you can’t care how the work gets done (hired help or child help…and frankly I vote for hired help, because with this starting attitude it will get done half-a$$ed and you will have to fix it anyway) just that it gets done and that your net money out the door does not change.</p>
<p>I have an alternate viewpoint. Our kids DO help with some things around our house. However, they are not our handy men. In our house, college costs and home maintenance are TWO different line items. We clearly expected our kids to help with college costs. For anything we would have hired someone ELSE to do, we would have paid our kids to do the same job…not as much but they would have been compensated. </p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying…it is not your kids problem that you and your spouse can’t seem to agree on home maintenance. I personally would not add paying for college to the list of things you don’t agree on.</p>
<p>Is your dau living with you for the summer? Are you possibly afraid that if you put demands on her she will leave and go live with dad?</p>
<p>The definition of a brat is someone who has been able to get away with bad snooty behavior because they can. They also us circumstances to bully, get away with being selfish etc. Instead of stepping up and helping daughter turns her back but with her hand out. </p>
<p>While it’s idle that expenses are separate sometimes life throws you lemons. Doing yard work. Pulling weeds, planting etc is not unreasonable to ask of an almost adult offspring. It’s also not unreasonable to ask the, to help hammer some nails, sand and paint a fence.</p>
<p>Paid a kid to help mom out when she is doing so much? Eh, that kid is selfish and entitled. She needs a fast lesson in reality.</p>
<p>Here are the numbers sweetie, and I have to have the work done on the house. So, how do you suggest you ,make up the difference. Mom only has so much and dad, well?.</p>
<p>As an aside, do you need thiis big old house that will be empty soon with all it’s problems?</p>
<p>momalone,
I can see how you feel overwhelmed with both the financial and emotional aspects of what is going on.</p>
<p>Is there any way you can fix up the house and sell it, so that you can move to a home with less overwhelming maintenance requirements? Getting it fixed up now…with or without your daughter’s help…is not going to solve what is going to be an ongoing situation, because homes require constant maintenance.</p>
<p>Your ex moved into a condo…no maintenance required from him. Yet I am sure he expects you to keep the house in good condition because he will want his share from the sale if the house is ever sold. Perhaps if you threatened to walk away from the house, as he has apparently done, might get him to share the expenses of the maintenance that needs to be done. Definitely keep track of every penny you spend on the house, so that if the house is ever sold, you will be credited for those amounts. One more reason for contracting out the work that needs to be done.</p>
<p>You’ve received a lot of good advice here. Most immediately, sitting your daughter down and explaining the realities, kindly - you can’t afford her college tuition and expenses and also pay for the necessary home maintenance. Be clear about what you can afford and that you can afford more if she contributes either by working and saving money for her college expenses or by helping more around the house. If the answer is that you can’t afford to pay for anything except community college while she lives at home and works, then that’s a reality than she will have to live with. Show her the numbers (college tuition at the local state U or community college+living expenses+transportation as well as an itemized list of home repairs and their costs, and then exactly how much you have saved and how much you earn/receive from her dad). I’m sure she’s a bright girl and will see the math as clearly as you do.</p>
<p>It’s unfortunate that separation and divorce result in higher costs for the adults - and less money for kids’ tuitions - but that’s the way it is for everyone except the very wealthy. No reason to shield her from that bit of reality. Just separate out your frustration at her, your spouse and life generally - none of that has any bearing on the financial realities of your - and her - situation.</p>
<p>Is the sad truth that the time has come to sell this house and just move on? Maybe that is what you should be thinking about rather than struggling with the maintenance.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to sell, and you can’t afford both college and maintenance, then as others have written here, it is past time to tell your daughter that simple truth.</p>
<p>Is there az formal, legal separation agreement that lists what bills yoru DH is responsible for, such as his share of the mortgage, repairs, child support, etc? If so, if he hasnt lived up to it, you should take his butt back to court. Sounds like he and your dau may know that you are not comfortable standing up for yourself and that they can get away with not owning their responsibilities. </p>
<p>I agree that its time to tell your dau, delicately but affirmatively, that you are NOT financially able to cover her tuition and that you have limited funds that have to be allocated to other things. She can talk to her dad to get him to ante up if she has a relationship with him. Its time to be assertive and set boundaries. You have that right.</p>
<p>I suspect something else is at play here. Some of what you list falls under the home repair space (painting/deck repair) Some are just regular tasks/chores like cleaning (weeds). </p>
<p>I have always expected my kids to participate in the running of the home. They are teens, but my famous saying is “there are 4 adults in this home”. </p>
<p>Home repair- I agree with a previous poster that I do pay for things other than daily chores. Example, I wont pay for pulling weeds, that is no different than vacuuming to me. However, painting- yes I wil pay them. </p>
<p>It sounds like there is a different issue at play here. Relationship issues, not chores.</p>
<p>Sure would be interesting to hear from “dadalone”. As the late Paul Harvey would say, “Now for the rest of the story”.</p>
<p>I think you may have to accept that your request for your daughter’s help with the home repairs was unsuccessful.</p>
<p>You might want to take another approach – with her advice and perhaps her help, because young people often know more than we do about such things.</p>
<p>What I’m thinking of here is selling some things in your home that you can live without – enough so that you would be able to pay your share of her tuition and pay for at least some of the repairs to be done professionally. You may want to talk with her about what to sell. Don’t sell her stuff without her permission. But you could ask whether she anticipates needing any of the stuff she left at your house, and if she doesn’t, whether it would be OK for you to use it and sell your own. (For example, if she left a desk behind, perhaps you could use it and sell your own desk.) You could also ask if she knows anything about how to sell things on E-Bay or Craigslist – she may know more than you do. And you might want to see if she knows anything about how to watch TV on a computer. If you had this knowledge (which kids seem to have but a lot of adults don’t), you could sell your TV and cancel your cable, right? (And I can’t think of anything else that’s more likely to convince her that you’re taking this whole situation seriously.) </p>
<p>Also, if you have both a cell phone and a landline, you might want to get rid of the landline. You will save money, and this action will also help to convince your daughter of how serious the situation is.</p>
<p>After you do some of these things, you might try again to get her help – but maybe this time, ask her if she can free up some of your time for whatever repairs you elect to do yourself by doing errands for you (including taking things that you’re selling on E-bay to the UPS store). Kids may balk at the idea of painting in the summer heat, but they mostly like to drive. For them, the novelty hasn’t worn off yet, the way it has for us.</p>
<p>It sounds like she is no longer living there. Unless you are disabled, I find it unlikely that a child who is not living there, and certainly a soon to be ex-husband, are going to be enthusiastic about coming to your home, and pulling your weeds and painting your deck. Especially in a situation where there could be plenty of hostility going on. I wish it could be different for you.</p>
<p>If you can look at this without the feelings of resentment and disappointment (which would be pretty tough), how will you be able to take care of the business at hand? Would you be better off selling the house and getting a low maintenance condo? Do you really want to endure the responsibilities of keeping up the house and working full time, while living by yourself? If you aren’t going to make any money on it, perhaps consider a short sale. If there’s no money in it, the ex is never going to make an effort to keep it up, anyways.</p>
<p>It sounds like you don’t want to pay your D’s tuition because of resentment, more than cost, and I don’t blame you. But in this economy, you can definitely hire some local kids to do that kind of work (or guys hanging around at Home Depot), and unless you have a massive yard that all sounds pretty minor. Of course, though it could take my husband a weekend to do that, it would take me a month. Pay somebody to do it, and tell her you might not be able to afford all of the tuition. Because honestly, if you’re that tight on money that hiring someone for a little yard work will put you under, you can’t afford much for tuition. Divorce/separation is so costly.</p>
<p>And as far as the weeds…forget pulling them, buy a big bottle of Round up!</p>