Our daughter is almost 20, lives at home, 2nd year at community college and transferring to 4 yr college in another city this fall. She is taking 13 hrs (12 plus 1 hr lab). Works M-F evenings 3-7ish at an after school child care business. She is a good student, making mostly A’s. Was honor student in HS, president of orchestra, etc., although she is not particularly outgoing. She has had some issues in the past with stress, and a few panic attacks, which I think are under control. She is getting overwhelmed with her school/work schedule and the chores we want her to do at home.
I am more lenient and hubby is more harsh. He expects her to be able to handle this schedule and get her chores done, etc., while I am more sympathetic. He wants me to come down harder on her for her chores because he is tired of being the “bad guy.” We grew up differently and see things differently. His parents basically told him at 14 that besides housing and food everything else was on him. And he did, basically, put himself through college. My parents were not as harsh. And this is a matter of contention between us. I don’t want to fuss at her too much over chores. I see that she studies and works hard and stresses and he doesn’t really see it that way. I also feel that, at least for her first semester away at college, she should not get a job.
I would appreciate any advice on how I/she can talk to hubby about these issues or, on the other hand, advice to me if you think I need to adjust my parenting style.
What are her chores? When my kids lived here, we expected them to do their own laundry, help with dinner dishes, cookma meal every so often, and keep their rooms clean enough that vermin wouldn’t settle in.
Our kids also helped clear snow because otherwise, they would have been stuck here.
What additional chores are you asking your kid to do? Vacuum and wash floors daily? Take over lots of things younand husband used to do?
Have her chores increased from when she was in high school, and if so, what ismthe change?
I would lessen on the chores. Totally agree with the work schedule she has now and would encourage her to pick up a second job on the weekend. There are hours of free time there that can be monetized. The work experience and hustle will pay strong dividends when she is older. A work ethic is something that is developed at a young age and can translate into a comfortable life. I see the chores in a different light. I just do not think those would come up in job interviews. Her work experience will.
If she’s going away to a four-year school this fall, then at that time, you and your husband will need to be responsible for all household chores at your home because she won’t be there. At the same time, she will need to handle many things independently that you might be doing right now.
Might it make sense to transition to you and your husband doing more of the regular house-and-yard chores, while she takes over chores that provide learning experiences she needs?
For example, if she will be taking a car to college, now would be a good time for her to learn how to maintain it. If laundry is not one of her current chores, perhaps she should start doing her own laundry (or maybe her own plus anyone else’s who might need laundry done that day) because this is a skill she will need. If she will be living in an off-campus apartment at school, perhaps she should do some shopping for groceries so that she gets more of a feel for their prices.
And at the same time, perhaps she could be allowed to cut back on chores that don’t help her learn skills needed for the next stage of her life, such as doing dishes (which has no educational value once you’ve learned it), caring for family pets (not relevant if she’s not taking them to college), or doing yard work.
Not a lot of chores. Vacuum downstairs twice a week, mop kitchen, cook once a week, dishes, clean her bathroom, do her own laundry, take out trash Mon/Thurs, dust tables. She did a crappy mop job the other day and I told her she needs to redo it. She said she is stressed and busy with school work and can’t do it until Friday. He didn’t like her attitude and wants me to come down on her. She is a good kid who rarely gives us “attitude” and her response was not teenage “attitude” it was stressed, busy college student.
Maybe I need to be a tougher parent? Maybe she needs help with stress? She has a white board in her room where she writes her schedule and what she wants to do each day. Mon thru Thurs she has morning classes, gets home around 12 or 1 PM and has to be at work at 3. She does schoolwork during this time. She gets home around 7:30 every night. I don’t know how late she stays up. Fridays she is home around 10 AM and works at 3. So she has a lot of time on Fridays. Weekends she studies and sometimes sees a friend for a few hours. She says she needs more sleep. She broke down her time and told me 13 hrs class, at least 3 hrs (usually more) per class studying 39 hrs, work 20-23 hours = at least 72 hrs per week.
She is also stressed about her college application and essays she needs to submit, applying for scholarships, finding an apartment, etc…
Ok…this is my opinion. I would delete the housecleaning chores from HER to do list. The mopping, the vaccuming, the dusting. I’m not being critical…but she is not a live in maid. She is going to school full time and working part time.
We had a set family cleaning time in our house weekly. For us, it worked to do this on a weekend morning. We ALL…both parents and whatever kid lived here…helped. Sometimes I vacuumed, sometimes DH did it. Sometimes the kids did it. In other words, we shared the responsibilities.
And there were times when someone wasn’t able to help all…and that was ok…because we SHARED the cleaning chores.
We also have things like Lysol wipes in each bathroom to make tidying up easier.
She absolutely should be responsible for her laundry. And cleaning her room.
With regard to the other chores…who will do these when she leaves for college next year?
Who did them when she was in HS?
ETA…I would definitely cut her some slack until,she has her transfer applications completed. And also during exam times.
She sounds like your live in maid. When my kids were in college, they worked less than 10 hrs a week. They cooked for themselves when they lived off campus, but they did have regular cleaning person to clean their apartments (cost shared with their roommates). I would be stressed if I were her too.
What does your husband do around the house? He probably has an 9-5 job. Your daughter is a full time student, which is a full time job, works 20 hrs a week, and is responsible keeping the house clean.
I’m going to disagree to a point because I think everyone needs chores. All of the chores you listed are things she is going to have to balance once she graduates and is working - unless she finds a well-paying dream job that will allow her to afford a maid. As a parent of a child with anxiety issues, some kids need to learn how to balance their lives while still at home so you can guide them. That being said, is it really necessary for her to vacuum twice a week? Maybe once a week will suffice (sometimes I only need to vacuum every other week and you can hardly tell). Maybe she can get buy with a light dusting once a week with a more thorough cleaning once a month. Or, it may work better in your household to give the common areas a good cleaning once a week and then rotate the responsibility through every member of the household. That way, her share would only be about once a month or so. She does need to be responsible for her own laundry, room and dishes because it isn’t fair for someone to clean up after you in life.
She works 20 hours per week and goes to school full time. She commutes to both locations every day. She’s applying to other schools to transfer. Does your husband work 60 hours per week? With double commutes? While looking for another job?
If she’s being treated as an equal in the house, she should get to decide how good of a job she does at mopping the floor. If she lived alone in her own home, she could decide that the floor didn’t need mopping or that vacuuming could wait another week because she hadn’t even been home all week to make it dirty. Trash wouldn’t need to be taken out every day because she wouldn’t make that much trash.
If she enjoys cooking, then making dinner once a week might be a good stress reliever for her, but if she’s required to cook on a weekday and then rush off to work and not even get to eat the dinner, then I don’t think that’s very fair. She’s not on your schedule anymore. She won’t be next year either.
With her schedule and anxiety I would minimize her chores around the house. But if you don’t want to entirely remove the chores, at least work out a flexible schedule so can can do them at a time that makes sense for her academic/work schedule.
Wow is that a long lit of chores. No wonder she is stressed out.
To me you guys are flirting with driving her away from you. Right now she might think this is normal but I think it is a bit much. Once she goes off to college and meets other people she will learn that you had her doing a LOT of work. She might resent that and she will be glad to move far away. Every child is different and just because you or your husband had to do it and turned out fine does not mean she will.
The world if filled with kids who were forced to do sports, music lessons, academics, etc that ended up rebelling as they got older. Some don’t but some do. Your D sounds like a wonderful, dedicated young woman. It would be a shame to drive her away.
OK- to me, going to school FT and working after school every weekday until 7 makes it hard to do things like mop. I would expect her to keep HER things going (put away her own things - ie don’t leave them around or make a mess, laundry, her own bathroom) but I actually PAY someone to do things like MOP.
We have 5 kids, 2 of which are home now all the time (HS)- they go to school, have jobs and play sports and I have them do dishes after dinner (when they eat here), and pick up after themselves (and do their own laundry). Hubby and I do work a lot of hours but then again honestly with studying, school, jobs and sports… so do they.
When she is on her own, she will probably have a small apartment and not have so much area to look after and clean.
I’d be in an institution if I were your D (and I don’t have an anxiety disorder btw).
Vacuum twice a week? Are you mining coal in your backyard and tracking it inside when you go to the bathroom?
I think you have to decide what your end goal is- a D who is academically successful or an immaculate home, courtesy of your D who is also taking classes AND working.
I think it’s reasonable to expect her to make a meal once a week, do her own laundry, and keep her own room and belongings in order. Everything else? Gee… how often does your husband vacuum? How are his mopping skills? Either you guys have a sitdown and decide that you are going to relax your housekeeping standards while your D is managing what she’s got on her plate, or you can watch her fail at mopping 101 and hopefully not fail at what’s really important right now- keeping her on track to get a degree.
maybe if dad is tired of being seen as the bad guy, he should stop being the bad guy. poor kid has way too much on her plate. he needs to realize the priorities here. i mean, too bad she might bomb her finals on account of the stress but hey, at least your carpet and floors are immaculate
I missed where she was working full-time, I thought it was only 20 or so hours a week. One hour, once a week on a Saturday or Sunday, is manageable for almost everyone - especially if other family members are in the weekly rotation. And, again, most of these chores will still need to be done when she transfers away to college:
This is a child with a history of stress and panic attacks who is feeling overwhelmed. She is a full time student who is studying hard and making good grades while also working 20 hours a week. At 19. With all that’s on her plate, I think it’s reasonable to expect her to keep her room and bathroom clean, do her own laundry, help out occasionally in the kitchen and not make a mess in the house. I think it’s asking a lot to expect her to mop the floors, vacuum, do all the dishes, etc. I think it is completely and totally unreasonable to not give her until Friday, which is the day when she actually has time, to re-do a bad mopping job. I don’t think you need to be a tougher parent. I think your husband needs to learn to be a kinder one. She does a lot to help around the house and sounds like a great kid. Does it really matter if the floor is dirty for a few days? Be flexible. Her school work and mental health should come before a perfectly clean house.
Has she ever talked to a counselor or seen a doctor about her stress/panic attacks? It frankly sounds to me like she’s overwhelmed because she had way too much on her plate, but with panic attacks (even if currently under control) it could be anxiety that she might be able to learn some coping techniques to deal with.
That’s actually a LOT of chores when you figure in not just classes and work but homework as well. She should do her part such as her own laundry and room/bathroom cleaning, but sheesh, she ALREADY doesn’t have much time to do THAT. I agree with the poster above: “I don’t think you need to be a tougher parent. I think your husband needs to learn to be a kinder one.” You kid is doing great-why not acknowledge that rather than focusing on her housekeeping skills. It seems like once she got out of HS she became your maid. What all are you and your H doing around the house?