<p>The prompt was something like "should language be restricted by censorship?"</p>
<p>Here is my essay:</p>
<p>The power of language should not be restricted, just as air should be free to flow and birds should be free to sing. To censor language would be to attempt to autonomously attempt to command the flow information, stifle original and creative thought, and invoke a rebellion.</p>
<p>The censorship of language, the sole form of communication, leads to ignorance. A prime example of this presents itself in the classic work of literature, Fahrenheit 451. Guy Montag, a firefighter whose job it is to start fires to cause the destruction of books, slowly realizes throughout the novel the mistake he had been making his whole life. Guy Montag lived in a future where radical ideas and innovative thought was abhorred, a future that is not only possible, but likely, through the extended prevalence of censorship in everyday forms of communication, ranging from television to radio. Guy Montag's forms of enlightenment came in the shape of a seventeen year old girl, however, such forms of enlightenment are not readily available to the general public, who play a critical role in the determining the role of censorship in our global society. This point is further emphasized in the Nazi burning of literature. </p>
<p>Censorship invokes a sense of superiority and subservience, and reinforces a preset social hierarchy by forcing it to play a critical role in the lives of the people. A key example of this is presented in the Nazi burning of German literature during the years of the Holocaust. When the Nazis were at their peak of power, and Germany had become on the most powerful nations in the world under Hitler's rule, Nazi's began to burn the literature of the Holocaust's prisoners in a show of ultimate power and superiority. </p>
<p>I didn't get to finish my essay in the 25 min :(
grade this essay on a scale of 1-6 plz plz plz plz plz</p>
<p>Rather vague and lacking in lenth, would expect this to receive 3.</p>
<p>Don’t try to conform your pre-learned examples to the question, think liberally. Your final point contains many grammatical errors and is somewhat disjoint, I assume you ran out of time?</p>
<p>Your vocabulary is quite impressive and It’s good that you’re using literary and historical examples, but I honestly think this essay question could’ve been better addressed with relevant modern-day concerns. e.g. Internet censorship</p>
<p>yeah…i was left with around 5 min for my 2nd example paragraph, and I scrambled throw in an extra paragraph, and ended up not completely finishing it. I thought historical events were preferred over current issues? idk, i could be wrong</p>
<p>I would give it a 3/4 -> 6/7
Here’s the issue. There are some grammatical errors within your essay. </p>
<p>Your introduction is not really graded heavily. All the readers look for is the thesis and some sort of “guideline”. Since it is a persuasive essay, the most important part of the essay is in the body paragraphs (your examples). So don’t spend too much time on your intro and just write down the concise points. “The power of language should not be restricted…” You don’t need to have the “just as air should be free to flow and birds should be free to sing.” That’s all fluff. You don’t need it. State your thesis (reword the prompt) and then list your examples. You start your second paragraph awkwardly, so what I would do is combine your first sentence of your second paragraph with your thesis. Also, have some sort of “guideline” so it gives your reader a heads-up of which examples you are going to use.
So it becomes this:</p>
<p>“The power of language should not be restricted because the censorship of language, the sole form of communication, leads to ignorance. This is evidenced in Fahrenheit 451 and in Nazi history.”</p>
<p>NOW, start your body paragraph.</p>
<p>You interchangeably use past and present tense when you talk about Fahrenheit 451. Since it is a book, use present tense. I bolded the two verbs below that are past and present. These small grammatical errors often DON’T affect your score, but when the mistake is COMMON, these errors tend to build up and pretty much show the reader that your writing is not sophisticated etc. </p>
<p>“Guy Montag, a firefighter whose job it is to start fires to cause the destruction of books, slowly realizes throughout the novel the mistake he had been making his whole life. Guy Montag lived in a future…”</p>
<p>You also need analysis. You have a lot of summary (lots of specific details), but in the end, you have to answer the question: “Why is this important”? “How does this connect to your thesis?” If you can answer these two questions and connect it to your thesis, that will bump you up to a 10. You need to develop your arguments. Don’t just stop after the summary. You used two great examples, but lacked the analysis. Your nazi argument has better analysis than your fahrenheit 451.</p>
<p>And ETS does not care which examples you use. All they care about is if you can thoroughly analyze and answer the prompt. Check out my guide for more information. I would give more help, but have to go.</p>
<p>Grade my essay please
Assignment
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>
<p>Your Response
The question whether a person should keep something private or not, can be answered with many different perspectives and angles. First , a person should not keep things private, because by keeping things private he may be looked upon as " selfish " . For example if I pass every physics exam with flying colors and if my physics notes play a pivotal role in my success and if i do not share them with my friends, i may become socially detached. Also i actually to an extent support the idea of unveiling things as they tend to benefit the whole community and keeps one in every ones good books. Sharing the secret behind success in exam may help other improve their success and so its benefit wont be restricted to you only. I also partly agree with the statement since if you conceal every thing it shows that you lack the feelings and thought as you dont share them. And hence by sharing , you may be emancipated off the burden you used to keep in your heart. Your worries may be divided, and your friends may guide you properly and mutually figure out solutions to your problems, effectively. However i also partly disagree with the statement of J David. Keeping things private doesnot necessarily mean you lack the feeling, it can also mean that they are not worth sharing. For example parents may not share with their children that they have parted, since they know it may impose a corrosive pscychological effect on their chidren and act as a deterrent against their children education. Hence things need to be kept secret to prevent the harmful effects that can be percipated by them , if revealed. Also some students for example may not reveal their scientific ideas or research as they might think that they can be imitated or copied and hence their credit would be lost. Hence i think , conclusively, that the decision of whether to keep thing private or not depends on whether its worth keeping private, the circumstances that may b e triggered if revealed or otherwise by looking at its nature.</p>
<p>It’s full of grammatical, punctual, and mechanical errors. I’m not sure if half of those mistakes were because of your typing, but if that’s how it appeared on a test booklet, I would give it a 2. Also, make sure that you separate paragraphs. </p>