<p>I would absolutely say NO NO NO to transferring the 529 accounts into his control. The fact that he is even asking that raises a big red flag to me. The money will be used to pay for school, it is just fine exactly where it is. (Maybe he wants it for some sketchy reason, or maybe when the time comes, he will use it to pay his “share”). Whatever else she does, tell her to say NO to this.</p>
<p>Ditto to changing the divorce degree. I doubt any judge is going to force any sort of change when money has already been set aside to pay for a State college (and will more than cover the cost with $150k in there). </p>
<p>Your friend needs to learn to just say NO to her ex.</p>
<p>Don’t change the provisions of the divorce decree. Don’t move that money anywhere but to a college to pay the bills.</p>
<p>re: completing the Profile…you know…is this really a battle worth fighting? Maybe the mom should just do the Profile. It really is not going to torture her to do so…and would just take the wind out of the father’s sails.</p>
<p>With the money in the 529 plus their incomes, it is not likely they will qualify for need based aid at all.</p>
<p>But really…is it worth having lawyers bills over completing a Profile or FAFSA? The dad likely knew this was going to get a rise out of mom. Imagine his surprise when she just says YES. It would end an ugly discussion.</p>
<p>Oh…Hamilton, Tufts, and Cornell don’t give merit aid.</p>
<p>For her, it will be. My husband hated filling that out, and he loves filling out forms. My friend has a complicated financial picture, hates filling out forms. She’d probably pay her accountant to do it, so there would be a cost for her. Let me put it this way – I had to talk her down from handing everything over to her ex and having him fill it out for her. </p>
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<p>Yup, totally agree and I’ve already made that point. Dad is living in the 70s. The idea that this kid should do “summer programs” instead of getting a job … while the parents pay for ALL the car expenses.</p>
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<p>Her last email to me was, “He drives me nuts.”</p>
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<p>I suggested that. A year ago. Even connected them with two private counselors, and I know they saw one of them. I actually don’t know where they stand on the colleges she’s applying to – at this point I have conceded that it’s hopeless to make college suggestions for this kid (which is why there’s no point in my telling you all her stats and state). My opinion is there is a 50% chance this kid will get in nowhere. My main goal at this point is my friend’s financial security. Honestly – I don’t care where her kid goes to school, since the dad has taken over that component.</p>
<p>(And … you know when you’ve been on college confidential too long when much of the advice you get is advice you’ve already given!)</p>
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<p>I’m going to love reading her these comments.</p>
<p>Seriously, there are ex’s that somehow think that their former spouses still have to do what they say, consider what they say or want, etc. After my SIL got divorced, it was almost comical how her ex still tried to make demands upon her…as if it hadn’t really gotten thru to him that he literally no longer had ANY power over her whatsover. An ex may think that you have to care what they think. The fact is, you don’t.</p>
<p>All very true. Problem is, this is easier to say than to actually do. It’s easy for me to tell my friend to stand her ground and protect her financial resources. But the ex grinds her down, and the kid looks at her sweetly with big eyes and says, “But I hate big state school and I’ve worked so hard and I want to go to wonderful LAC and dad says you’re cheap and only thinking of yourself and it’s your fault.” She just wants to open up her wallet to shut everyone up.</p>
<p>So, it gets better. Apparently ex has threatened to move the money out of the 529 account so my friend will be forced to pay more money for college. I keep telling her if dad did that, all she has to do is force him to look at the kid in the eye and say, “yes, I took your college money away so I could hurt your mom.”</p>
<p>I actually have very few divorced friends. I’m so disgusted with her ex, who I once did know. It’s been an eye opener.</p>
<p>Apparently ex has threatened to move the money out of the 529 account so my friend will be forced to pay more money for college.</p>
<p>Who owns the 529 account? If your friend does, then the ex can’t do anything more than threaten. Big deal. If the ex owns it, then unfortunately he can do what he wants, even if it hurts his kid.</p>
<p>That would be $20,000 over four years, so $5,000/year. ($20,000 was her first proposal. I got her down to $15,000. Ex is now trying to get her up to $30,000, so she then suggested to me that she could offer $25,000. Can you hear my eyes rolling?)</p>
<p>She is letting him drive her nuts. If she just says YES to completing these forms, the argument and discussion over this will be OVER. DONE. Sorry, but I’ve complete the Profile seven times. Once your taxes are completed (yes…she needs to get that done EARLY this year) it really is NOT hard or time consuming to complete. She is using a lot mor energy fighting this (which likely pleases her ex) than it would take to complete the forms.</p>
<p>Sometimes you have to weigh what is important and what isn’t. Like I said…imagine the surprise from ex when she just says YES…done!</p>
<p>Lawyer.<br>
To advocate for her financial security and protect her interests. To stand up where she can’t. Especially because ex is cagey and clearly effective- with son and with her. The cost is smaller than the potential loss- in dollars, in control and in her future relationship with sonny. And, it gives her a point to make: lawyer advises this, advises against that.</p>
<p>Yes, she is unfortunately participating in this intimidation. Remember this one: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. E. Roosevelt.</p>
<p>Son can’t make her feel bad if she looks him in the eye and nicely says, “I love you, and I am sorry I am not wealthier, but I am looking out for our interests as best I can.” (And believes it.) And if he digs, how she could work more or spend less or tap into retirement, she repeats.</p>
<p>They found her soft underbelly. </p>
<p>OP, I realized later that you must have meant over four years.</p>
<p>But the ex grinds her down, and the kid looks at her sweetly with big eyes and says, “But I hate big state school and I’ve worked so hard and I want to go to wonderful LAC and dad says you’re cheap and only thinking of yourself and it’s your fault.” She just wants to open up her wallet to shut everyone up.</p>
<p>Is she actually having conversations with her Ex? If so, stop that. lol </p>
<p>And, she needs to put her foot down to her child…“I won’t listen to anything from you about what your dad is saying. That’s final. This has nothing to do with how much I love you or being cheap. Your father does NOT know the details of my financial situation ANYMORE.”</p>
<p>"If you don’t want to go to a state school, then X is your budget. There are LACs and smaller privates that will give you merit scholarships to get costs down to THAT budget. "</p>
<p>I was about to say exactly the same thing. She needs to STOP taking his phone calls. Period. If he wants to communicate with her, he can do it by email . . . or snail mail, if she prefers. All she has to do is tell him up front, “I won’t take your phone calls and I won’t be opening your emails. If you need something, put it in writing, stick it in an envelope, and put a stamp on it. If you don’t hear back from me, then my answer (to whatever you asked) is no."</p>
<p>My sympathy for your friend is dwindling. My finances are complicated, too, and I filled out the CSS Profile. I think you should actually step back and let her take her lumps. If she has so little backbone and not enough common sense to handle this herself, I don’t know that I would want to be in the middle of it if I were you.</p>
<p>Really. Why would she consider giving the accounts and power of atty to him? Why would he need that in order for the funds to be used as intended? It simply doesn’t make sense in any scenario. Why is she such a pushover? I don’t see how you can help this person who seems to have no sense.</p>
<p>I guess I’m a better friend than that, intparent. My friend has both backbone and common sense and has stood up to her ex many times. It’s a tough situation and I’m going to help her through it.</p>
<p>It’s always easier to give advice than to follow to.</p>
<p>Wait a second, Brown Parent. I didn’t say she was going to do those things. I said he asked her to do them, and I was just asking for the reasons why she shouldn’t do those things, because what do I know?</p>
<p>I really don’t want this thread to turn into a “let’s bash fireandrain’s good friend.”</p>
<p>Sorry, I went through two college searches dealing with an ex, and just think your friend has made a multitude of mistakes:</p>
<p>(1) Ceded the search to her ex-H to start with. She let him control the search, and now is unhappy with where it is going. She should have insisted on a joint process to start with.</p>
<p>(2) I don’t like the FAFSA and CSS Profile, but they are not rocket science. Anyone who can’t fill one out, and research any questions that they have while doing it, is just not trying real hard. </p>
<p>(3) Anyone who is divorced who would hand over their financial info to their ex, dip into their retirement to pay for college, and/or give their 529 accounts over to their X without seeing an attorney (which by the way may not be possible without major tax consequences for her) isn’t thinking straight. But you can’t make dumb people, even your friends, think straight in this type of situation.</p>
<p>Plus, you may very well take the blame from the ex, the kid and your friend if this does not turn out well. It reminds me of when parents out here are asked to give advice on college admissions to young relatives or family friends. One has to tread VERY carefully, and in the end the mistakes belong to the family sending the kid to college, not the advisor.</p>
<p>If she has a divorce settlement already in place, she should just scan it into the computer and send it back as a reply to all emails. Send “See divorce decree” as a response to all texts and do not pick up the phone if he calls.</p>
<p>I’m inclined to agree with the lawyer up crowd.</p>