<p>No bashing was intended, sorry. Just couldn’t understand, you said you was going to do those things until you stopped her. I was reinforcing that it makes no sense and she shouldn’t do it. I’ll butt out.</p>
<p>I’m coming in late to the party. You’ve gotten a lot of good advice that I hope your friend will take into consideration. </p>
<p>Just wanted to clarify something that was brought up earlier but not addressed completely. You say the mom is the custodial parent. “Custodial” in divorce decrees is not the same as custodial for FAFSA. If the student lives with the mom more than 50% of the time, regardless of the divorce decree, then the mom is the custodial parent for FAFSA. This may in fact be the case. If so, then only the mom as the custodial parent can fill out FAFSA. She should do so. As others have pointed out, it’s not difficult, all you need is your 1040 and a listing of assets as of the day the form is filled out. If the ex fills it out when he’s not the custodial parent, that would be fraud. </p>
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<p>She should also fill out the Profile form if the student is applying for any Profile school. If the school requires the non-custodial Profile to be filled out, the ex-H would need to do so himself. Profile schools listed below; most do not require the non-custodial form.</p>
<p><a href=“CSS Profile – CSS Profile | College Board”>CSS Profile – CSS Profile | College Board;
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<p>For Profile schools that do not require the non-custodial form, it may well be advantageous to fill it out given that only the mom’s income would be considered. Also as has been discussed fairly often on this forum, some schools will not award a student any financial aid after Year 1 if the forms were not submitted in Year 1, even if need has changed. </p>
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<p>Divorced parents don’t fill out FAFSA separately; only the custodial parent does. Profile is filled out by the custodial parent; if the non-custodial Profile is required then the non-custodial parent creates his or her own account. There are no forms to be filled out; everything is done online with separate username/passwords. </p>
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<p>He can apply for his own “federal parental education loans”.</p>
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<p>It sounds like there are multiple college accounts, of which at least one is a 529? Is the other account a UTMA? If so, this isn’t hers to transfer; it belongs to the child with the parent as custodian. For the 529, some institutions will not allow a change of ownership which is probably why the ex is asking for a Durable POA. She should just say no. Funds in a 529 are to be used for college; what is the ex trying to protect against? That the funds won’t be used for college?</p>
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<p>Father has opinions about the kid’s college choice, but what does the kid think?</p>
<p>In any case, the kid needs a safety – and if the parents’ scheming and fighting make them unreliable contributors to the kid’s college, a safety with low net cost from merit scholarships needs to be included in the application list.</p>
<p>The kid needs to realize that she is being used as a pawn in a fight between her divorced parents, and should try to find a way to minimize her financial dependence on them in college.</p>
<p>Thanks, vballmom. That was helpful.</p>
<p>That link was good. I believe all the colleges being considered require the NCP.</p>
<p>ucbalumnus: I agree. Hopefully the kid figures this out on her own because I’m not getting involved on that level.</p>
<p><a href=“He%20wants%20her%20to%20fill%20out%20the%20forms%20and%20then%20give%20them%20to%20him.%20I%20keep%20telling%20her%20that%20her%20ex%20does%20not%20need%20to%20see%20her%20financial%20information.”>I</a>*</p>
<p>This part really cracks me up. He must think she’s the most naive person in the world. What person would give that info to an ex…especially one that is calling you selfish???</p>
<p>He’s asking for ammunition to be used against her. Imagine the scenario…The ex is given forms with the mom’s info. He shows that info to the child. “See how much your mom earns and has saved? See how cheap she’s being by not agreeing to pay for X schools.” </p>
<p>(I’d also be concerned if there are younger kids that he’s paying support for. With new financial info about his ex-wife, he may be looking for proof that he shouldn’t be paying as much for child support.)</p>
<p>She’s being asked to load the gun that he wants to fire at her. </p>
<p>Your friend is lucky to have you. Keep in mind that her ex is likely making these demands because he’s USED to doing so and having her “obey”. Believe me, if she had been a stronger woman during the marriage, he wouldn’t have the “you know whats” to be asking for these requests. Many of us here know very well that our Hs (or ex-H’s) wouldn’t even bother making these requests because they would KNOW FOR SURE that we’d laugh in their faces without another second of consideration of the requests. </p>
<p>Remind your friend that she’s a role model for her child. As that role model she needs to demonstrate that she can stand up to someone who’s making unreasonable (and really laughable) demands. If this child is a daughter, the last thing she should be demonstrating is a woman who folds like a cheap tent when faced with a (bullying) husband/ex-husband.</p>
<p>The FAFSA gets submitted online directly. The Profile gets submitted online…directly. </p>
<p>The father can submits the NCP profile directly.</p>
<p>No sharing.</p>
<p>Of course, one does need to realize that if the KID has the PIN for FAFSA the KID can access this information at any time. Just saying.</p>
<p>Hopefully this kid has what ALL college wannabes need…a well balanced list of applications including two safeties, two or three match schools, and a couple of reaches. </p>
<p>If finances are a serious consideration, then affordable should also be in the mix. </p>
<p>Both parents would be better off using their time to craft an appropriate application list that is within their financial means…than having this ongoing dispute.</p>
<p>Application deadlines will be here soon enough.</p>
<p>Sounds like she needs to put this back on the dad. Play it as dumb as dad seems to think she is. “Oh, it’s wonderful that you are willing to to pay all the extra to send kid to a more expensive school.”. “Of course I’ll fill out profile to see if it any aid is available that will make this less expensive for you”. </p>
<p>Keep telling the kid how great it is that dad wants to do this.</p>
<p>(PLUS loans in her name that he promises to pay back - he really does think she is stupid doesn’t he. What possible reason would there be for him to not take the loan out in the first place, other than that he has no intention of ever repaying them)</p>
<p>Is this a question of transparency and miscommunication? I am taking the perspective of the dad for a moment, and it sounds like he cares and wants the best for the child. He does not have access to the 529 money and probably does not know exactly how much is there and he might be wondering or anxious about how the child college planning process is being handled. It does not sound like he wants to come in and take the money away, it even sounds like he wants to contribute more.</p>
<p>Maybe all of you 3 need to sit down and have a serious conversation and lay all of your cards on the table and get on the same page. The mom (your friend) does not need to do what she does not want or can afford to do, and figuring what is possible based on all the constraints together might be a better way.</p>
<p>*Maybe all of you 3 need to sit down and have a serious conversation and lay all of your cards on the table and get on the same page. *</p>
<p>Maybe I’m naive, but this is the LAST thing I would do. I would not set myself up to face a “Two on One” situation …with a Ex-H and my child on one side, and little ole me by myself in the other. I’d end up looking like “mean mommy”.</p>
<p>Like the comment about being a role model. If this is a daughter, she needs to show the independent clear thinking. If it is a son, she risks setting an impression that women can be prodded endlessly. Sometimes, the lessons we pass on to our kids are about a lot more than the specific argument, at any given time.</p>
<p>^^ Of course dad “could” have the son’s better interests in mind. But OP has described this differently- son not really elite level, maybe not viable for a lot of schools. The risk includes some pricey small private.</p>
<p>You could be right, maybe talking will get you nowhere, there is too much bad blood there, no compromise or solution is possible. It depends on whether they both can be reasonable enough to reach some understanding that good enough for going forward. But I think I’d rather be a face-to-face “mean mommy” than behind-my-back “mean mommy”. At least, I am being honest and presented all that I wanted in the open.</p>
<p>If the dad wants the moon for the kid, try to get him to pay a lot more, or say this is what I am willing to give to make the moon happen, will the dad do the rest? I don’t know them, and no one here can possibly know what is the right middle ground in this situation without knowing all the exact details from both sides. Actually with $150k saved, and combined income over $200k, private does not sound like the moon to me.</p>
<p>father is an education snob who wants kid to go to top selective school</p>
<p>If the mom ends up talking to the dad, then the issue to bring up is “going to a top selective school is YOUR value, not mine. If you prefer that, then you pay for it. Since we’re not married, I no longer have to support or help fund the things you believe that are important… even if it involves our child. Our child can get a very good education at schools that are within the already established budget by either attending a state school or by accepting merit scholarships at other privates.” </p>
<p>Heck, he could determine that his values mean the child gets a European vaca every summer or the student needs a brand new car. If the child is a daughter, in the future, his “values” may decree that the D needs a super-fancy wedding. As it is, his values decree that the student not work. Again, his values, he pays. </p>
<p>This is a test. She’ll either pass it or fail miserably (and the fall-out will be on-going for years to come).</p>
<p>Actually with $150k saved, and combined income over $200k, private does not sound like the moon to me.</p>
<p>That may be so. We don’t know how much the mom alone earns nor do we know what her expenses are. She may have gotten the family home with a high mortgage. We know that she needs to be funding her retirement.</p>
<p>With $150k saved and a student loan for the D, she could easily find some privates that will give her enough merit to easily be affordable.</p>
<p>Do we know if that $150k is for only this one child? or is it savings for more than one child?</p>
<p>And, OP already indicated that even a 5k annual out-of-pocket would be a hardship, for Mom. In general, there are many times when we emphasize that parents do have to contribute, for the advantages of some particular college. Many times when they have to make the adjustments to find those extra dollars, if the college choice decision is truly right for the kid. This sounds more like, pay for a better name, despite that kiddo isn’t a strong candidate. Sounds like a situation where the state U would be a better choice, in the first place.</p>
<p>Like I said, I don’t know much of anything here. But the information for making the determination and the threshold of financial pain in which they each can tolerate are known to them. I am not sure what exactly is the problem here, she is the custodial parent, she controls the 529, so she holds most of the cards. She should be able to show what the numbers are and what she is willing to do and what she wants from them especially the kid (loans, work study, summer jobs), if they want to send the kid to a full-pay expensive private. If any of the components needed are not there, then it is not possible.</p>
<p>^ that’s ideally. Mom apparently has had (at least some) $ conversations with kiddo. And, from the first post, she may hold the 529, but Dad is asking for her to surrender it, take on loans she can’t afford, endorse HIS plans and ideas, won’t let the kid work, etc. Dad’s pressures are all about taking the cards out of Mom’s hands. We’ve been through all the posts telling her to “Just Say No.”</p>
<p>That’s not so easy to achieve when there is a constant pressure and Mom is increasingly finding herself on the defensive. That’s where OP comes in, as a friend, trying to be a sounding board and find some relevant info.</p>
<p>I take an interest because my best friend went through something like this. Her best ending point was a 50-50 split, at a time when ex out-earned her 4:1. (Her income was about 45k.) Then he added expenses- encouraging the kids to move off-campus, giving one a car (and not acknowledging insurance and all the other associated costs,) refusing to pay his part for a legitimately needed summer course, for one child. These things can be endless, when one isn’t playing fair. I think that’s what it boils down to. Even anticipating what could happen next is exhausting.</p>
<p>OP
To pay additional $5K-10K over 4 years is not going to put OP’s friend in the poor house. If I truly believe going to a private LAC would be better than large state U then I would take on a second job or even borrow from my IRA. We are not talking about 250K here.</p>
<p>OP and friend of ex-wife here. Look, I could give you all a ton of more info and answer many questions, but I’m withholding a lot for all the obvious reasons and some not-so-obvious ones. I had specific questions, they were answered – thank you all very much – but I’m not going to give any more details. I hope that your advice is useful to other families in similar situations.</p>
<p>I talked to my friend, we have a game plan. Let’s see how it goes. I’m hopeful that this can get resolved without my having to come back here and ask more questions. I may PM one or two of you, though.</p>
<p>OK, one more – any advice on hiring someone to do the CSS/Profile?</p>
<p>(lookingforward: your best friend and my best friend would have an interesting conversation.)</p>
<p>Good luck to them! I hope this all works out…it will!!</p>
<p>And it’s good to have a friend who is willing to look at it all from a non-participant status. </p>
<p>I’m looking forward to hearing where this young lady heads off to college.</p>
<p>fireandrain - </p>
<p>In response to your question, yes, cutting off communication would include blocking ex’s text messages. She just needs to tell him in advance that she’ll be doing this.</p>
<p>As for hiring someone to do the CSS Profile for her, she could ask her accountant to do it, but that just really seems unnecessary. What she (or any of us!) needs when filling out the Profile is a level-headed friend to sit nearby and provide moral support as we’re doing it. It sounds like that’s something you can do. You don’t need to “fill in the blanks” for her. Just be available to help her figure out any question she’s stymied by - not a terribly onerous task since both written instructions and telephone customer support are available. In the end, your task would be to make sure she sits down and does it . . . and doesn’t chicken out the first time she has to go digging through last year’s tax records!</p>