My son is failing all his classes. He is going to a small University for Mechanical Engineering. He went to a Technical HS where his major was Engineering. He has ADHD and Anxiety disorder. He has admitted to not taking his meds until recently when I made him promise me he would start taking them. I have intervened recently by calling Dean of Student Disability Services. I have also worked with him to reach out to other resources including, Professors, Peer Mentor and Advisor. Today when we spoke he says he feels dumb and doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He has been there only 6 weeks. I would like some suggestions on what to do and what to say to him. I am lost. Ty
Can your son identify what might be a manageable academic load- say two or three classes, and withdraw from the others? Has he gone to office hours of the classes to ask for help from the professor? Can he switch to a less demanding major? Engineering can be brutal and ME can be especially brutal. Maybe this is a sign that he needs to study something else??? Just because he thought he wanted engineering doesn’t mean he won’t be in great company to find something else- the world is filled with happy and productive “I thought I was going to major in engineering” folks…
He should consider dropping to a lower course load (down to the minimum needed to remain a FR student). He should be going to professor office hours and any department tutoring sessions offered. He should be looking for other students to work in problem sets together – not to copy, but to explain concepts and teach each other. He needs to take his meds. And if he has extra time or other accommodations, he needs to be using them. But it is hard to make him do these things from a distance, I am sympathetic. Engineering is a hard major, very unyielding when a kid has issues.
When I was undergrad EE I made dumb mistakes like working part time, taking an 8:30am class, taking an equivalent class in EE that was also taught in physics (with a much more engaging teacher). I went to the Dean of Engineering (cried some tears) and they dropped 2 classes for me past the deadlines. Check on withdraw deadlines and have your son meet with the Dean. Engineering is a very math intense curriculum, does your son have the foundation in math that is needed? If he feels dumb than probably not. Maybe have him repeat math classes he had in high school, the college version gives a better foundation. Does he need tutoring? There is usually a math center that can provide help on math, physics and engineering classes. One-on-one tutoring can really make the difference
Does he realize he can change majors? Maybe Computer Science would be up his alley and has lower math requirements.
I also suggest he have a few sessions with a phycologist for the stress, it helped my nephew a ton.
Taking his meds are definitely a must to get on top of this.
So sorry to hear this. Did he actually fail all of his first tests? Has he been handing in the homework or doing other graded assignments? Does he want to improve? If it is just one test, even in each class, he can probably recover with hard work and focus (not easy for ADD kids, even with meds). But he has to do be totally committed to do that.
Did he go to a good high school and so should be able to do it, or is it possible that he is not prepared and is actually over his head?
Can you visit him and get him to open up about what is really going on? Does he feel totally lost and not because he is not doing the work? Is it a case of too much freedom and fun?
Even if this is not the right place or right path for him, remember he is only 18. Some kids do end up changing majors or schools, or taking off some time and end up very successful. I know that is easy to say when it is not your kid going through it, but it will get better.
If he is taking a very basic freshman fall engineering schedule and is not accelerating then it would be a very good time to think about a strategy for the next semester before he is asked to leave if he’s on probation after this semester. Even in the small engineering schools which do tend to be more nurturing than the big powerhouse uni programs, realistically it just gets harder and harder each semester. If he’s accelerating then he probably needs to drop back though six weeks in it might be difficult or simply too late. Absolutely he should be meeting with tutors and taking advantage of every available service and while I don’t believe ADHD drugs compensate for lack of understanding they can help kids stay focused for longer periods of time and engineering is a notorious major for essentially long periods of study and focus for some kids to keep up. So if he’s been prescribed these drugs now is the time to see if they help any. If they don’t then it really doesn’t matter if he takes them or not unless they in the past helped his anxiety. Good luck.
Not clear, but if this university is not near your home and it is at all possible, I would go out and visit and stay as long as you can to provide both support to him and to help him negotiate the best path forward. Some schools have very generous drop add policies and given his special circumstances I think withdrawl from all but a core number of courses is possible and likely adviseable (maybe go down to 12 or less, pick the ones he can recover from). If possible, have him drop down a level in say math and get a decent grade, review, and get himself together.
While you can’t attend class for him, it sounds like there is a disabilities office you can talk to and then can help guide you to appropriate resources, whether it is a peer mentor, a department resource, whatever.
Also, honestly, failing grades mid-term do not always mean you will fail the class, but that may involve discussions with various people at that school who know the particular courses and professors and can guide you. He does have 6 weeks or more to turn this around to say Cs in 3 or 4 classes, which would let him continue.
Again, not clear, but the backup plan could be to withdraw this semester entirely, get meds in control, maybe attend a local university where you can provide supervision and help and see if this school will let him enroll again in say a year. They may refund some money, but having a plan that especially is good to his mental health and self-esteem may be worth some money (and failing grades have no value anyway).
4 years in engineering is ambitious for many students (although a few people think they can badger their child into performing miracles) and with ADHD, anxiety, being away from home may be too ambitious regardless of academic gifts. There are many ways to an ME degree or something else. Please make sure both you and your son don’t see this as the end of the road or a permanent setback, it is very unlikely it is.
I would consider helping him get a medical withdrawal, which wipes the grades clean. He can take a medical leave this semester, get himself in shape, make some decisions about what to major in and where, and return. My daughter did this and it was the best thing: she had a couple of bumpy years but is doing great now. Looking back, protecting her transcript was important, though if he is happy there for other reasons, grades aren’t always the priority.
p.s. do you have tuition refund insurance?
Great advice here, OP. All of the above.
I would plan a visit and a reasonable stay, if possible, to figure out what’s really going on. There are some cross-roads decisions that need to be made, and 18-year-olds aren’t always good at assessing these things.
Things to figure out:
- Is he really "failing" - at a lot of these schools, it is very difficult to figure out where you really stand until the semester ends. That 50% on your midterm could be curved up to a C or even a B. It can depend on how everyone else is doing in the class.
- Does your son actually enjoy engineering? He focused on this in HS, so my guess is yes. Maybe he just needs you and the Dean of Students, etc. to make him understand that FYE is a weed-out curriculum. Many programs are designed to make the kid feel "dumb" to weed out the students who signed up for engineering just because they thought it would land them a good job, and not because they really enjoy this area of study. This does not mean that they are really "dumb" - it just means that only the ones willing to cling on to the end are going to make it. A "C" engineering student isn't going to get the best jobs...but he will one day be an engineer, and if that remains your son's goal, then he needs to focus on that and just do his best.
- Is your son staying on his meds? A visit and monitoring this could answer your question. Also, if the college has mechanisms in place to assist disabled students, make sure they are being employed for your son.
- Are there any other factors intervening? Too much fun (or - conversely - not enough fun/pressure release) going on? A bad roommate situation?
- If he really wants to be an engineer but isn't going to make it at this college, look into transfer strategies. Perhaps a less rigorous college, or one closer to home, would be a better fit for this student.
- Focus on why he did poorly on those first exams. Have the homework grades also been poor? Would hiring a tutor help? Scout out the situation on how other students have pulled up their grades.
This is about the time that homesickness and feelings of failure peak for new college students. They just finished their first college midterms. Failing grades at this stage are not necessarily determinative of what the final grades will be, but they COULD be if steps are not taken.
Good luck!
This is anecdotal, but an example of someone close to me who had similar issues, and had to drop out and try another approach. My nephew, who is sick a lot (not sure why – but prone to respiratory illnesses and migraines) dropped out his first semester from a state school. He also suffers from anxiety and depression and takes medication for that. He got sick early on and fell behind. And also, he wasn’t ready for dorm life, it would seem. And also, his medication needed adjusting – it was making him foggy. The good news is that after a semester at home, he started taking classes part time (2 classes at a time) at a different state school while living with his brother. He has been doing this for a couple of years, and has done well, and regained his confidence about his abilities. He is going for some sort of math/engineering degree. It is going to take a long time to get his degree, but he is on track. Doing it part time is working out for him so far. It remains to be seen whether he will hang in there through several more years and get his degree, but the good thing is, he knows now that he can do it, if that is what he wants. There are many ways to skin a cat.