<p>My daughter is at admitted students weekend without me. Word is getting back to me that she thinks Barnard is just “alright.” Supposedly, she finds most of the the students smart, shy and boring. She finds the campus small and lacking in school spirit. </p>
<p>Admittedly, the campus is small. It is smaller than her high school campus. But NYC isn’t small. Columbia’s campus isn’t small.</p>
<p>Youth is so wasted on the young…Ugh.</p>
<p>LOL. </p>
<p>Your d. has a number of excellent choices, right? Any other admitted student visits planned? Maybe another school will turn out to be a better fit. </p>
<p>But they don’t have to fall in love in order to make the college choice. My d. attended a weekday session for admitted students, showed up late, got bored, left early – and immediately called me to tell me that she was bored by the event and to mail in the deposit. She wasn’t there looking to be entertained – I think she just wanted one more look and possibly a few questions answered, and once making up her mind there was no particular reason to hang out on campus when there were other things to do in NY. </p>
<p>But that might be the thing about Barnard – it’s a wonderful place for students who are dead set on studying in NYC … but maybe not such a good fit for those who are looking for a more traditional campus setting.</p>
<p>But Calmom,</p>
<p>I am also a Calmom (well a California mom), and this kid is now leaning towards a school less than 10 miles from the house. There is no school more rah, rah than her current infatuation. And actually, it is a good school, but part of the college experience is living somewhere different. Not living and dying in the same 20 mile radius. I really don’t feel like paying $13K for room and board around the corner. </p>
<p>I am simply horrified. I can’t even go to sleep which is why I am on this website at 12:45 a.m. I am flying out tomorrow to meet her in NYC to go look at schools in Boston. But I know it will be useless. What a waste of great opportunities. Oh well, at least I will have her sign up for her Cornell guaranteed transfer option in case she comes to her senses next year…</p>
<p>Public or private? </p>
<p>Is it possible that she’s just not ready emotionally to leave home just yet? </p>
<p>Please don’t take your worry about college choice to the extreme of “living and dying in the same 20 mile radius” – college is NOT the final frontier. It’s just a first step. She could attend college locally, transfer later on – or study abroad – go away to grad school, etc. </p>
<p>Over the years I’ve seen some kids go off to distant colleges and come home after a semester – not everyone makes a great adjustment. So I think you really have to keep an open mind yourself and get a sense of what is really bothering your d. Maybe the long flight to NY convinced her that it is just too far for her comfort level. I know you have your own dreams for your d., but you wouldn’t want to be spending next fall receiving daily tearful calls about how cold and miserable she is. </p>
<p>My own d. was NOT happy socially at Barnard, or at least her happiness varied over the years depending on her housing situation. In hindsight I suppose I could have anticipated that problem. If my d. meshes well with a new group she’s ecstatic, but if she feels like a misfit, she’s miserable. D. stuck it through but she’s pretty single minded and tenacious. </p>
<p>I never had the impression that Barnard students were “shy” – but I can see why the other prospies might feel overwhelmed… and I kind of have a sense of what your d. might mean by “smart” and “boring”. I think my d. felt that way – she was used to a more laid back, artsy crowd. It’s not that the other student are “boring” - it is that they didn’t share my d’s interests, including interests in many decidedly downscale activities, and didn’t seem to get her sense of humor. Plus the elite colleges lack diversity in the sense that they don’t have any students who aren’t high achievers. Neither of my kids liked handing out with the “smart” kids at their high schools – they always had a more eclectic group of friends. </p>
<p>Anyway – good luck on your trip. Don’t give up just yet – but also keep in mind that in the end, your d’s happiness is what is most important. </p>
<p>There isn’t a boyfriend in the picture attending the local college, is there? (I don’t have an answer to that one – I’m lucky my d’s boyfriend was attending school on the east coast).</p>
<p>If your daughter is infatuated with a rah-rah school back at home, Barnard might not be for her. There isn’t a whole lot of rah-rah going on here. Sporting events are not well attended, and campus traditions usually revolve around food, t-shirts, and photo ops rather than cheering and rivalry. I can see how rah-rah people would find that desperately boring.</p>
<p>At least you got an explanation.
During our college-scouting trips with our son, he decided he didn’t “like” certain schools, including the one that I actually liked best for him, but couldn’t or wouldn’t actually articulate why.</p>
<p>@calmom - Private school. If it was public, I would not mind as much since it would at least be cheap by comparison.</p>
<p>This has nothing to do with leaving home or missing family. This kid has been ready to leave home since 12, believe me. And my inlaws live within minutes of Barnard. </p>
<p>Admittedly, college isn’t the end of the road. But this university, honestly, would almost be a continuation of high school. In fact, her high school is the number one feeder school to this rah, rah school. And her high school classmates are brilliant. For the most part, if they don’t go Ivy or Stanford or strong LAC, they go this feeder school. And that isn’t the reason why she wants to go either. All of her friends are actually headed east for college. I think most parents from our high school think like me…perfect university to attend, if it wasn’t around the corner. The idea of bonding with fellow students on trips to local landmarks that you have been to a hundred times does not sound very enriching experience. Been there, done that. </p>
<p>When my daughter says a place is just full of smart, boring people, she means the people seem nerdy and dull. If most people are smart and quiet, then Barnard would not be a fun place for her. She is kind of a cool kid and only wanted urban environment…that is why I thought NYC would be perfect. I should state for the record that applying to Barnard was her idea, not mine. She thought it was one of her top choices after visiting before. So much so she almost ED’d there. </p>
<p>As a friend of mine said, If you live in Boston and get into Harvard you don’t go. It is just too close…</p>
<p>You can’t make the decision for her. She is the one who has to spend the next 4 years of her life at a college, and it should be the best 4 years of her life. I went to the Barnard pre-open house Saturday and to be honest, I couldn’t stand it so I went home Sunday morning. It’s just a fit thing and she has to be happy where she ends up. I’m attending an up and coming public school that is far less prestigious than Barnard, but it’s the school that I feel is the best for me. The name is not nearly as important as where she’ll be the happiest and where she will best reach her full potential. By the way, it really does not matter where a student goes for undergrad if she is looking to go to grad school (which I presume most people do now). I am thinking of going pre-med, so the public school I am attending is better since it has an amazing track record of sending students to medical school (100% med school acceptance rate for chemistry majors in the last 6 years). If she decides to go to Barnard, than that’s great, it’s a terrific school. But if she wants to go to the local college, that’s her choice.</p>
<p>I grew up half an hour away from Barnard and chose to stay here because, for one, it was close to my family… And then I chose to attend medical school in Manhattan for many of the same reasons. I don’t necessarily see my parents very often (once or twice a month), and I keep in touch with absolutely none of my high school friends.</p>
<p>I would never have dreamed of going to a school in California. Personally, the schools there seem too rah-rah for me, and I prefer the independent lifestyle of the east coast cities. I don’t think your daughter feeling unfulfilled by her visit to Barnard means anything is wrong with her or that she’s making the wrong choice.</p>
<p>Letting go on this decision is good training for the many, many times in the future that your D chooses the opposite of what you would like to see for her.</p>
<p>My S is a master at it.</p>
<p>But since it is their life…</p>
<p>From the way she describes her experience of Barnard it sounds at if, indeed, it might not be the right fit. </p>
<p>I <em>do</em> however, understand your frustration. My S let so many opportunities pass him by it felt like he was a reluctant batter at a baseball game. Barnard D was better at grasp opportunities. C’est la vie.</p>
<p>And we have no way of knowing which path is best.</p>
<p>Good luck to her and you.</p>
<p>You guys can see I picked my online name for a reason…</p>
<p>@mammamia - I am really interested in your observations of the Barnard Weekend as my daughter also arrived on Saturday for the pre-open house. What about the program turned you off?</p>
<p>Remind her that Barnard’s football team is undefeated.</p>
<p>On a more serious note, Barnard is probably quite boring right now as most students are getting ready for exams right now. My two daughters would be the two most boring people on the planet right now. One at Barnard, the other in law school.</p>
<p>On our admitted students visit, we had one more school to go and my D turned to me and said, do you think I can still go to flagship U? I told her if that’s what she decided, that’s what she’d do…my mind was racing of all of the visits, all the arguments to get the apps done, all the everything and she wanted to go there…In the end, the next school we went to she liked and went for four years (OK she had doubts at the end of freshman year and still thought about transferring) As I said somewhere else, what they are shopping for junior year looks a lot different when they are buying senior year.</p>
<p>After dealing with a teenager, I know realize that Joan Crawford may have simply been misunderstood. It wasn’t that she had an innate problem with wire hangers, she just did not like to see the very expensive clothes “she purchased” being ruined on wire hangers. She was simply protecting her expensive investment. Now if her kids want to hang their clothes from Forever 21 on wire hangers, I am sure she would have no problem. LOL.</p>
<p>@ mythmom - I am actually really good at letting go. It is just a little difficult when you are the one picking up the tab… It is their life, but my nickle.</p>
<p>@ dad - LOL! Perhaps they should start a football team and challenge Columbia’s team. That might put a few fans in the stands…</p>
<p>Okay, I have finished venting. I may even buy season tickets to that rah, rah school’s football game. But I’ll keep the Cornell form just in case she comes to her senses…</p>
<p>@mommie dearest. My dd was at Barnard this weekend and I got less than stellar reports on the event from her as well. She said it was very disorganized, some kids got to attend multiple classes, she didn’t get to attend any. Her hostess took them to drop off their bags, and then left with no explanation. All in all, I don’t think it showed the best of Barnard. Perhaps the first weekend was much better. It wasn’t so cool to fly over 1000 miles for what I suspect felt like the bums rush. On a bright note - she really did enjoy meeting the admitted students.</p>
<p>@mommie dearest-
I don’t have anything against the school, I mean it’s an excellent institution with powerful women. It just was not the right fit for me. I thought I was into the whole female empowerment thing but I thought most of the girls were way too obsessed with being feminists. It’s not a bad thing at all, don’t get me wrong, it just wasn’t me. I did not get along with any of the girls because I felt they were very serious about school and while academics are important, I felt like I would never find the group of friends to go out with. I personally found the setting extremely boring. Many current students have told me that partying does not go on and most people just stay in their dorms on weekends doing homework. I am interested in the whole college experience with strong academics, various extracurricular activities, and a nice social setting where I can make good friends. It seemed like an artsy, “hipster-y” type of school with eclectic people and sporty girls like me just don’t exist. It seems like a great place for shy girls who did not stand out in high school who want to become the strong women they’ve always dreamed of, but not for someone who is looking for a traditional college experience. I don’t want to discourage anyone from attending. Barnard just was not the place for me-it was just a personal thing. I couldn’t see myself going there at all, and if your daughter can’t either, it might not be the right school.</p>
<p>Is this rah, rah school you are referring to USC? (You posted in another thread that you were turned off by their $50 charge for the admitted student event). If it is, then I think you are selling your d. way short. If she is looking for a traditional collegiate environment, then she could end up being totally miserable at a women’s college or at many east coast elites. </p>
<p>I can see from your other posts that your daughter has pretty much been wined and dined by all sorts of elite colleges as part of minority recruitment effort, so I can see why a parent would get all caught up in the rush, with visions of Ivy-level prestige.</p>
<p>But “fit” is very important, and the parents here with kids attending USC seem to be happy overall with academics there. It is not your d’s fault if you happen to live only 10 minutes away. But your comment about spending one’s life within a 20-mile radius really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense if that radius is a major urban center, whether LA or NY or any other big city. I mean, there is a whole lot going on within that short distance - and if your d. lives on campus at a school like USC you could probably go weeks at a time without seeing or hearing from her, barring a laundry emergency. (Laundry “emergency”= no more clean underwear). </p>
<p>I think it makes sense to hold the Cornell option open – there certainly does not seem to be any downside, if it is o.k. with Cornell that your d. start at a different college – but Cornell is in a very remote and cold place. I personally would never have contemplated Cornell for myself or my kids because my father is a Cornell grad, and I basically grew up with stories about things were so miserable there that students regularly flung themselves over the gorges in despair. I was quite surprised later on to realize that Cornell is actually a stunningly beautiful campus – perhaps a place I should have considered – but my dad grew up in NYC and perhaps, like my daughter, he really preferred the comfort of steel and concrete to the eeriness of forests and fields. </p>
<p>Anyway, my point is that some people actually like L.A. and the lifestyle it affords. (Not me – I’m firmly in the “hate L.A.” camp – but my kids have so many relatives there that I’m kind of stuck with having to grudgingly admit that the place has a couple of redeeming qualities)</p>
<p>Anyway, a very big first step in the college process is parental letting go – and I guess in your case that might be letting go of the idea of your daughter attending an elite, stuffy, prestigious, east coast college. And getting used to the idea that you can actually live a separate life from your daughter while living a stone’s throw away in the same town.</p>
<p>that’s actually really funny. i think she picked the wrong weekend; the first weekend was pretty much entirely super eager ED kids. It was great. Still, i can’t argue with you on spirit. barnard certainly isn’t known for that.</p>
<p>mammamia2015 + figureskater- Huh. Wow. When I visited open campus I felt Barnard was the more laid back of the other women’s colleges when it comes to feminism. I mean, it’s not enclosed in the woods somewhere, it’s near the city, and guys are just across the street.
But anyway, irrelevant. That’s interesting.
I went to OC the first weekend, I met a pretty equal number of super eager ED kids and artsy, hipster eclectic people and people who really did not know what they were doing on campus, lol. Actually, I was sitting with a group of girls who all realized they were friends of friends who went to the same summer camp together and were networking and texting like crazy and gossiping about boys and parties. I’m stereotyping, but they totally didn’t seem like people who would stay in their dorms doing homework on the weekends.
I get what you’re saying about the traditional college experience mammamia2015. I kind of regret that I’ll miss that at Barnard.</p>