Accepted to several schools, has merit scholarships to the two “easy” in ones, and her former #1 is now low on the list because it’s over $65k. But there’s a fund paying for it all --plus grad school if she wants. I think she will do great at any of the schools she chooses, I just don’t want her to stress. I also don’t want her to keep saying “I just have to choose the least worst one”-- (She’s sweet goth, so I don’t know how or why this downer attitude is there!). Neither of us is sleeping well. No judging please–just any experience with this?
If you could name the schools and tell us a bit more about your daughter’s preferences (choice of major, hobbies, ideal location), that would be helpful.
Not goth, but slightly quirky kid ended up choosing the more expensive option last year (i.e. went in the opposite direction as your daughter, and turned down the merit $) is very happy at chosen school. I had a harder time turning down one of the good merit options, as I thought it was also a good fit, closer, and they seemed to really want him (kept upping the offer.) But it all turned out very well. I would say to trust your child and don’t get too attached to the colleges yourself. It is hard to have to chose just one for kid or parent!
One of the tour guides gave her group some great advice. If you have multiple good final choices, ask yourself where you would want to be on your very worst day. Your gut will tell you the right school.
Focus on which school best supports her academic goals. She will find like-minded supportive people if she follows her ambitions. Regardless of what her personal style is…she will be known by her contribution to common subjects with learners on the same trajectory. If she’s invested in her goals, and works hard, she’ll be fine regardless of her style. Most important: let her pick. It’s her life. It’s the best odds of her being enthusiastic and goal oriented.
Really, no one is looking to identify you or your kid. Give us more details. We may know things you don’t about the schools. But if you don’t tell us what they are, we can’t help.
Seems like you may need to take a step back and explore why she doesn’t seem to be excited about college. If she’s stresssed about the selection process, that’s one thing. If she’d rather take a gap year (or something other than college) but is afraid to tell you, best to understand that sooner rather than later. Good luck!
All we know about your daughter is that she is “sweet goth” and having trouble deciding between her unnamed options, none of which currently excite her. Your answer likely lies in further conversations at home. What are her concerns about college? What does being “goth” have to do with how she chooses (likely a different answer for different kids)? Does she struggle with decision-making in general? How do academic interests and financial preferences enter the picture? Best to your family.
My D was emo, not Goth, but she was concerned about finding her own quirky straight-edge crowd when she was choosing a college. She wound up at a large urban university with no single over-arching campus atmosphere (just lots of micro-environments that did include kids like her.) Plus, the city was always there for museums and concerts when she tired of campus life.
It worked for my D. Can you at least give us an idea of the campus-types your D is considering?
We had a kid who had trouble choosing between number 1 and number 2 choice. We gave HER a deadline of April 29, and didn’t discuss it with her…at all. We told her to make up here mind by April 29 so we could send in the deposit.
We already had had many discussions about colleges before she applied…so any of her choices were fine with us. We didn’t really talk about this unless she asked a question…and she really didn’t.
So…my suggestion…let your daughter deal with this choice. She is the one going to college…and she needs to make the final choice decision. Just give her YOUR deadline for a decision.
I will,add…we were mighty glad we didn’t wait until April 30 as there were some computer glitch issues we needed to resolve…andnif we had waited…we probably would,have missed the May 1 decision deadline.
Sweet goth-ness is probably a pretty transitory identity. She will likely be something else – maybe even a couple of somethings else – before she graduates from college. So I wouldn’t make the strength of that specific community the touchstone of college choice.
Eighteen-year-old human beings are really very good at adapting to their circumstances. The truth is that she could pick a choice at random, and she would probably be fine. I’m not suggesting she do that, only that she doesn’t have to feel super-anxious about making the one exactly best choice. A basic gut feeling that I like this place and could feel comfortable here ought to be enough.
Can you visit? My D has five acceptances, and all were deemed at least minimally acceptable at the time of application so it’s been a bit of a sort-through. She eliminated her safety school, one with no scholarship, and one that had sifted down in the ranks before application time. Now it’s down to two. They are not the same price. She was a bit panicked about that when the offers came in and felt like she would be forced to take the cheapest. Spouse and I had to take a deep breath and decide (with her not in the room) that we were both OK with her making the choice, either way. I think I know how she’s leaning but we are going to take time and visit so that she can see the crowd in real-time and try to figure out the “fit.”
Good luck!
In these situations, I usually tell my kids that there is not a right or wrong choice and sometimes you just have to go with your heart. (This sometimes aggravates them because I won’t tell them what to do.) I like the advice that thumper gave about the deadline. I would think that a larger public setting would have more diversity where she could find more like-minded folks, but that may not be the case. Just let her know that it’s her decision and you won’t make it for her, but you will support her.
You say the former #1 dropped down on the list due to cost but then you say there is a fund that will cover undergrad and grad. IIf money isn’t an issue, why did the former #1 have to drop down? Is that one she is excited about? Did she choose which schools she applied to? Was she excited about any of them upon applying? If yes, what has changed between now and then that she believes she is choosing the least worst one?
My big suggestion is to find another trusted adult, preferably someone who knows a little about college, to serve as sa non-parent unbiased listener for your daughter. I think it is super useful for these young adults to have someone to talk to who is NOT a parent - the student may feel more able to express pros and cons, better able to think through the various offers.