Help proof read NHS essay? and any suggestions? thank you (:

<p>National Honor Society Essay </p>

<p>As I look back at the past three years of my high school career, there were so many struggles that almost forced me to give up on my goals and ideals. However, instead of being brought down by hardships, I chose to endure these struggles. Now I’ve changed, I believe that this is why I’ve been chosen as a potential candidate for National Honor Society. As an international student, I have lived in three different countries — Taiwan, China and finally the United States. Living abroad has helped me to gain not only knowledge in various fields but also allowed me to have foresight. Furthermore, it makes me a more independent and responsible individual through various circumstances. I feel obligated to utilize my gifts in a program as prestigious the National Honor Society.
As a potential candidate of National Honor Society, it is to my understanding that character plays an important role in obtaining membership. Upon my arrival to Chapel Hill High School as a sophomore, I came to the realization that although I had start off later than my peers, I still had all the right reasons to give it all I had and to show the world that I could be successful no matter what.
The process wasn’t easy. In fact, it took several hours a day for me to catch up with the work that I’d missed in freshman year. I put a lot of effort into my schoolwork and have challenged myself with many advanced courses. Many of my friends asked me why I was taking AP courses as a sophomore or the fact that I took honors English class even when English wasn’t my first language. Now that I have possessed my own variety of study skills and habits, I found myself helping others who have similar backgrounds. I know exactly how hard it would be to move across continent and to start everything all over again.
One of the advantages of being able to travel so frequently is that you could be a volunteer overseas. Being a volunteer abroad not only broadens my views but also gives me the honor to improve our global community. However, despite the positives of volunteering abroad, volunteering sometimes can be extremely time consuming and physically demanding. I travel to many developing countries such as Thailand, Cambodia, rural areas of Taiwan and Vietnam at my own cost and time to help the local villagers and children. I spend 8 hours a day over the summer on teaching the younger generation Mathematics and English since many of the places I go to do not provide sufficient education opportunities. During my free time, I visit live-alone seniors and help villagers with some easy farm works. The only payment I receive out of all this is the pleasure and self-satisfaction of helping others.
Being raised in a very traditional Chinese environment, I was a person who would blush and stutter if asked to speak in front of a few strangers. I had gone through several practices and hardships to achieve what I had got today. I got third place in Japanese speech contest within my class and not too long ago, I was nominated to represent the class for the North Carolina State Speech competition. Now I find it difficult to narrow down the many instances where I’ve showed great leadership skills. I have given countless lessons to younger students and have led some major events at the Chapel Hill Senior Center.
I may not be the smartest or the brightest student but I am a survivor, that is — a survivor who, after many struggles, makes the right choice. I want to prove myself to the community that I’ve possessed the qualities of scholarship, leadership, service and character. My ability as a well-rounded person will be extremely beneficial to National Honor Society.</p>

<p>Now I’ve changed, I believe that this is why I’ve been chosen as a potential candidate for National Honor Society.
^ Run-on sentence. Semicolon instead of comma?</p>

<p>As an international student, I have lived in three different countries — Taiwan, China and finally the United States.
^ That dash could be a colon, which would probably look more professional
Also, I’d personally put a comma after “China” (I’m an advocate of the Oxford Comma)</p>

<p>I feel obligated to utilize my gifts in a program as prestigious the National Honor Society.
^ I’m not sure if this is the image you want to be projecting… It comes off as a little “I’m great and I feel it’s my duty to bless you with my participation in your program”</p>

<p>it is to my understanding that character plays an important role in obtaining membership
^ Misplaced modifier (“it” is not the “potential candidate”; to match up, this clause must start with “I”), and this is a wimpy sentence in passive voice. “I understand that character plays…”</p>

<p>although I had start off later than my peers,
^ I had started later than…</p>

<p>Now that I have possessed my own variety of study skills and habits
^ I don’t think “possessed” quite works here. “discovered”? “developed”?</p>

<p>I found myself helping others who have similar backgrounds
^ If you’re using “have possessed,” you have to use “have found” for the tenses to match</p>

<p>I know exactly how hard it would be
^ Would be --> is?</p>

<p>you could be a volunteer overseas
^ You sound like you’re trying to sell the reader on volunteering.
Go with “you can be a volunteer” or “I could be a volunteer”</p>

<p>also gives me the honor to improve
^ Do you need honor before you can improve the global community? Or do you mean it gives you the honor OF improving the global community?</p>

<p>time consuming
^ time-consuming</p>

<p>I travel to many developing countries such as Thailand, Cambodia, rural areas of Taiwan and Vietnam
^ “and rural areas of Taiwan and Vietnam”</p>

<p>I spend 8 hours a day
^ Spell out numbers under 100</p>

<p>Mathematics and English
^ “mathematics” probably doesn’t need to be capitalized</p>

<p>some easy farm works
^ Why is “works” plural?</p>

<p>Being raised in a very traditional Chinese environment
^ This seems sort of random and out-of-place. New paragraph perhaps?</p>

<p>I had gone through several practices and hardships to achieve what I had got today.
^ “have gone,” and “what I have today” – don’t use “get” in formal writing</p>

<p>I got third place
^ “won third place”</p>

<p>Now I find it difficult to narrow down the many instances where I’ve showed great leadership skills.
^ This seems really egotistic. I rolled my eyes a bit.</p>

<p>I may not be the smartest or the brightest student but I am a survivor, that is — a survivor who, after many struggles, makes the right choice.
^ I don’t know what this sentence is trying to achieve. “Makes the right choice”? This is out of left field–unrelated to the rest of your essay. I’d rephrase as something more like, “I may not be the smartest or the brightest student, but I am a hard worker who has developed a focused work ethic and a love of helping others through my varied life experiences.”</p>

<p>I want to prove myself to the community that I’ve possessed the qualities of scholarship, leadership, service and character.
^ You don’t want to prove that you HAVE possessed them in the past; you want to prove that you POSSESS them now.
“I want to prove to the community that I possess the qualities…”</p>

<p>My ability as a well-rounded person will be extremely beneficial to National Honor Society.
^ What ability? Your ability to be a well-rounded person? Also, there’s that ego again. :stuck_out_tongue: I really don’t think you want to emphasize how you’re so great and you deserve to be included in NHS. Emphasize the different strengths you can bring to the table, but don’t state it in such an arrogant way.</p>

<p>^^This person is your guardian angel. Listen to her. </p>

<p>thank you so much bodangles!!! </p>

<p>You’re welcome! Hope you get in! It’s quite a well-written essay–just needs some polishing to be perfect :)</p>

<p>My rewrite/compilation of suggestions:</p>

<p>As I look back on the past three years of my high school career, I see many struggles that almost forced me to give up on my goals and ideals. I chose to endure these hardships rather than allowing them to bring me down, and this is part of why I’ve been selected as a candidate for the National Honor Society. As an international student, I have lived in three different countries—Taiwan, China, and the United States—and this has allowed me to gain knowledge in various fields as well as foresight, independence, and responsibility. When I arrived at Chapel Hill High School sophomore year, I saw that I had plenty of reasons to strive for success in spite of my late start.</p>

<p>The process wasn’t easy. Every day I spent several hours trying to catch up on the work I’d missed freshman year. I put a lot of effort into my schoolwork both then and now, and I’ve always challenged myself by taking advanced courses—in my first year I took an honors English class even though English isn’t my first language. Now that I’ve developed good study skills and habits, I try to help others with similar backgrounds because I know exactly how hard it is to move to another continent and start everything all over again. </p>

<p>One advantage of traveling frequently is that you can volunteer overseas. Being a volunteer abroad broadens my views and gives me the honor of helping to improve our global community, but it can also be extremely time consuming and physically demanding. I travel to developing countries like Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam at my own cost to help local villagers and their children. Many of these places fail to provide the youngest generations with sufficient educational opportunities, so last summer I spent eight hours every day teaching mathematics and English to children. In my free time I visited live-alone seniors and helped villagers with easier farm tasks. The only payment I received for my work was the pleasure and self-satisfaction I got from helping others. </p>

<p>My traditional Chinese upbringing used to make me blush and stutter whenever I had to speak in front of strangers, but I managed to overcome this with practice. I won third place in my class’s Japanese speech contest, and I was recently nominated to represent them in the North Carolina State Speech Competition. I’ve shown great leadership skills in many areas of my life—I’ve given countless lessons to younger students and have led some major events at the Chapel Hill Senior Center.</p>

<p>I may not be the smartest or the brightest student, but I am a survivor, a person who makes good choices in spite of many struggles. I want to prove to myself and my community that I possess the qualities of scholarship, leadership, service, and character; I believe that my abilities as a well-rounded person will be extremely beneficial to the National Honor Society.</p>