Help With Transfer Essay Please!

College Essays
1

<p>I am a college freshman studying in Mexico applying for transfer to Boston College, the University of Texas-Austin, Southern Methodist University, and Santa Clara University. I went to high school in the U.S. and had lived their all my life until July of 2008 when I moved to Mexico. I applied to all of the schools mentioned above (except for UT-Austin) as a senior in high school and was denied admission at BC and SMU and was wait-listed and eventually turned down at SCU. My high school GPA was a 3.3. I now attend Tecnologico de Monterrey and received 4 A's and 2 B's my first semester (18 credits total). This semester I am taking 15 credits and have 2 A's and 3 B's as of now.</p>

<p>The following essay prompt is from the Common Application. My essay will go to all of the universities I listed except for UT-Austin (they don't use the CommonApp). I really had no idea what to write this essay on and I know it needs a lot of work, but I just wanted to ask for everyone's opinion. Am I on the right track? Any changes I should make? Suggestions? Thanks for the help. Here is the topic: </p>

<p>Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve. </p>

<p>Here is what I have so far: </p>

<p>As a senior in high school last spring, I could not wait to hear back from all the colleges I had applied to. I was eager to find out where I would be living and where I would receive my college education. I talked to friends also waiting on admission decisions about the possible opportunity of attending the same university and even of rooming together. I even talked to students at these universities to make sure I knew these schools were good options for me. After gathering all the information necessary about each university, I compared my top college choices and pretty much had everything figured out as to where I wanted to go. I knew there was a chance of things not going my way, so I had several alternatives in case things didn’t turn out the way I wished. In March, admission decisions started coming in from several colleges. I got accepted at some and turned down at others. I was also wait-listed at a few. The problem was however, that of the colleges I was accepted to, none were of my top choices and none attracted my attention as much as my top preferences. I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to spend my four years of college, and not being accepted at any of these schools was devastating news for me. </p>

<p>Since things didn’t go quite as planned, I began weighing my other options and tried to decide what was best for my future. I further evaluated the schools I was offered admission at and making a decision on what was the best option for me was a very difficult process. In the end, family and an education at one of the most prestigious universities in Latin America helped me decide on studying in my father’s hometown of Monterrey, Mexico. I came to a decision to enroll at Tecnológico de Monterrey (ITESM) and begin my university studies starting in fall of 2008. Although I really liked the idea of living near my family and experiencing a different culture, I have always wanted my studying in Mexico to be a temporary experience. </p>

<p>Ultimately, I want to receive my education in the United States, just as I had my entire life prior to moving to Monterrey in July of 2008. I was so set on attending one of the universities I was denied at last spring, that I told my parents I was going to do whatever it took to transfer after one school year here in Monterrey. I told them that I would work as hard as I could to get the best grades possible and to improve my chances of being accepted as a transfer student.</p>

<p>If accepted at one of the universities I have planned and hoped to go to for so long, I plan on continuing my college education in the U.S. starting next fall. I plan on further developing my knowledge in finance and on receiving an education that will help prepare me for my future. If all or most of my credits from Tecnológico de Monterrey transfer and I am where I should academically after two semesters, I look forward to receiving my degree by spring of 2012. After receiving my high school education and after a year of university studies at ITESM, I know I am prepared for what is to come in the classroom my last three years of college. I believe that I can apply the knowledge I have obtained from previous studies to my studies at another university and continue to do as well as I have in the past.</p>

<p>Thanks for your suggestions and help.</p>

2

<p>The universities I was accepted at last spring are: Syracuse University, Fordham University, University of Colorado-Boulder, Loyola University Chicago. I am not saying these are not great schools, it's just that I have always wanted to attend Santa Clara, UT, or SMU. Boston College recently came into the picture as well.</p>

<p>Also, one of the main reasons I chose to study in Mexico was my older brother's experience. He wanted to attend Georgetown University and was denied as a senior in high school. After one year at my current university (ITESM), he applied again and was offered admission. His grades were very similar to mine in high school and my grades this year are just as good as, if not better than, his grades at the same university.</p>

3

<p>I'd suggest you cut out the first paragraph. How about you focus on your strengths or goals and how transferring to such and such school would help achieve then. Make them see all you can contribute to their university. Your first paragraph is solely asking for sympathy and sounds pathetic. I didn't mean to sound rude, but you want to make yourself stand out and frankly we all have the I-didn't-get-in-where-I-wanted story. </p>

<p>How about you start off by saying that you moved to Mexico recently and how that has contributed to your experience. Then you can explain why you ultimately want to study in America and your goals and go from there. Because your essay sounds whiny. Have some confidence in yourself, focus more on your goals and experiences.=]</p>

<p>Also, try not to TELL things. Rather SHOW them. You don't have to say "I know I am prepared for what is to come in the classroom my last three years of college". If you write confidently and focus on your goals and make it clear you know what you want to do, you say as much if not more.</p>