<p>My son is an INFP. He had two summers at CTY before high school where he knew no one. The programs helped him to begin to learn how to make friends more quickly. His first semester in high school was lonely because all of his middle school friends were still at the private school and he didn't know a soul at the public school. Though naturally reserved and shy, his ECs were the saving grace, as he spent a lot of time with the other students rehearsing and performing from the first semester through graduation. This summer he was cast in a college dinner theatre and didn't know anyone in the cast - but this time, it only took him about a week to start making friends. He won't know anyone at college either, but he is confident now because he knows that after a week or so rehearsing, the friendships will form, and that living in a dorm means you actually have to try NOT to make friends. </p>
<p>Situations that force an introvert to 'start from scratch' in personal relationships are valuable growth opportunities. Most professions require frequent, if not constant, contact with other people, so socialization and forging relationships is an essential survival skill. To paraphrase from a popular book title, the secret is "Do what you love - the friends will follow." </p>
<p>I think that she should be encouraged to fling herself into her favorite ECs, and also try new activities where personal bonding is likely to occur - such as outdoor adventures. Nothing like hiking up a mountain, canoeing around a lake, or a ski trip to create happy times and high spirits that are easily shared. Volunteering for a group like Habitat for Humanity is another made-to-order activity for making friends - human beings bond over work and the satisfaction of getting a job done together. </p>
<p>Don't worry - she will catch the undercurrents from you. Instead, you might try cheerfully counseling courage and advising her to expand her interests. She will conquer!</p>
<p>I just parted with my INFJ, (which is my type as well) who admitted before leaving that he was concerned that "all the cliques" would have formed before he even got there. We talked about the stressors of orientation, and that he would be fine once he got through the first few days and could spend time in a more academic context, one he is quite comfortable with. Friendships are so important for most introverts, they just prefer them one or two at a time, and not in the artificial scenes often found in the first days in college. Also, S1 is a very friendly person, but waits, like your D, for people to come to him. He has a open countenance and will talk in class, so that helps a bit. Of course, the orientation is supposed to smooth these days over a bit, but it is still tougher for people who give off energy in large groups and get drained as a result.</p>
<p>I really like Donemom's counsel, and think as soon as your DD does find a like-minded friend or two whom she can bring to the room, she will not feel so left out. Does she have an activity that she particularly liked in hs? I think if she seeks out groups wherein she has something special to offer, she will find friends and admirers soon.</p>
<p>Everyone
Wow, I really appreciate the time all of you are taking to share your stories/self and provide sage advice and support.
Tomorrow I go up to see her since she had to stay at the school for boot camp - most students left . It's four hour boot camp and than she's free thru Monday. She wants to get some furniture and things for her room. I''m looking forward to seeing her - I just hope I don't melt down or screw up .<br>
I've read all your comments more than once - hopefully they will come to mind when we get the opportunity to talk arises.
Wish me luck -</p>
<p>Zafiro; you should also be reassured that your daughter's temperament is very likely unrelated to anything you did or didn't do as a parent. Studies on these qualities point more to inheritance or in-born traits than to anything environmental. As parents, we always tend to feel responsible for any struggles our children have, but this is just simply who your child is. The most important thing for her (beyond anything that happens to her socially) is to know that you love and accept her for who she is. With this kind of acceptance and loving support from her parents, she will be strong enough to weather these difficult beginnings, and will have a greater chance of being able to hang in there until she makes a meaningful connection. Best of luck to both of you!</p>
<p>zafiro: Best of luck on your visit with your daughter. We're all going through this together, and experiencing some of the same thoughts/feelings. We actually visited our D today (we brought with us lots of requested items from home), and we all really enjoyed the family bonding time. We had a chance to discuss what's been happening in the past week, both at home and at school and to catch up on everything. It was a very productive day.</p>
<p>Not to promote my Wm and Mary article on introversion and giftedness too much, but if you could have seen the look on my son's face of relief and feeling accepted after he read it...you might print it out for her because the target of the article is really that extroverted individuals misinterpret introverts. (so many K-12 teachers are extroverts!) So many school situations favor extroverted style...raising hands and talking in class, surviving the cafeteria social hour deafening noise etc., those endless freshman mixers at college where small talk and chattiness is the currency.</p>
<p>At this age, giving her a simple vocabulary to understand her temperament and to frame conversations with you on the subject is a gift. Freshman year can feel a little like middle school again, with an emphasis on herd behavior and fitting in and being Like everyone else as the road to acceptance. That passes, and after a semester or so of groupiness, many if not most students step out and differentiate and dare to be different and unique without much anxiety about rejection. People settle into a large range of social groupings where she will find a place.
You can forecast for her that her future includes many ways to sculpt her life in a genuinely satisfying way for her own temperament and that as we age up we all learn to value others more and to see others more accurately, just as you are going to help her to see extroverts clearly without judging them for their obtuseness about her.</p>
<p>The more aware she is about how to think on all this discreetly and specifically, the less she will be overwhelmed. She needs to understand that extroverts are a little dense and overvalue their own style, and can't imagine that she is happy when quiet. She needs to seek people out in quieter settings to establish common ground, and to understand that extroverts fuel up on crowds and group time.<br>
Can she enjoy taking on a volunteer shift or a small job on campus, building a theater set or working on a school publication...can she enjoy presenting her project in a classroom, does she do well one-on-one, can she enjoy things like working out at the gym with peers or signing up for a dance class or yoga class? all these are roads to getting through to a more comfortable place and to acceptance of her own mode of being.
and may all our young adults learn to accept themselves and their peers with more and more insight</p>
<p>I think there are a couple of other ways to make friends if you are a shy kid. Here are a few:</p>
<p>(a) If you go to a party, go early. When only a couple of people are present, they almost always introduce themselves or the host/ess (if there is one) does. When the party is going full-swing, that just doesn't happen in the same way. Late arrivals tend to look for people they already know. It's also just a lot harder for most shy people to walk into a room with 200 people and walk up to one to start a conversation than it is to walk into a room with 10 people and start one--especially because in the latter case it's more likely someone will start a conversation with her.</p>
<p>(b) volunteer to help clean up after a party or other event. Again, it's easier to get to know people in that situation. </p>
<p>(c) Be an AUDIENCE. On every college campus there are a zillion activities and many have very small audiences. So, go to a junior varsity field hockey game, a modern dance recital, a chamber music performance, whatever. You don't have to pretend to know anything. Enthusiasts are only too glad to have someone explain what's going on, if necessary. It's especially good to do this if someone you know a little is involved. So, if a girl on the OP's D's floor plays field hockey, ask when they have a game, show up and watch. If someone says she's in the student orchestra, ask her to tell you when they are performing, and make a point of being there. Also say you're willing to help hand out programs or do any other scut work that needs doing. Again, go early. People waiting for the doors to open or sitting waiting for a performance to begin often talk to each other. </p>
<p>(d) Compliment anyone you saw while doing (c). So, if you see someone who scored a goal or sang a solo while walking on campus, stop and compliment them. It's generally not a good idea to do this when the person is a STAR--so if you attend U of Southern California, don't stop and compliment the quarterback on a good play. It's people who do things with small audiences that will genuinely appreciate the compliment. (My own kid and I attended a small concert parents' weekend because a high school classmate saw us on campus and sold us a ticket. My kid --who is not shy--recognized another singer as someone in a class with her. When she went to that class the next time, she told him she'd enjoyed his performance. That started a conversation. "Not many people attended. Why did you go?" "I'm a high school classmate of your new member X." " Where did you two go to high school?" "---" "I didn't know X was from __" Yada,yada. You get the idea. No, he didn't become my kid's best friend or romance, but they always talked and exchanged a few words when they had that class and he introduced her to a few of the other people he knew in it. </p>
<p>(e) Read the campus paper or listen to the campus radio/TV station so you can start or join in a conversation about campus events.</p>
<p>Everyone,
I'm back from my visit - It went well. Frequently I found myself reflecting on your comments and guidance.<br>
I've thought of sharing this thread with her- but, hesitate - not sure why?<br>
I did share with her dad/my husband- he felt your comments/ suggestions were helpful. Thanks for the citation - we both read the article - I will share with her when the right time. Her dad gave her a book about intorverts living in extroverted world (?)
Coming from different cultures and backgrounds - he's had a harder time adjusting with her going away to school and worries that she's being pushed. We can reasonably talk it out and intellectuslly he can see why it's important - It makes it harder when there isn't 100% from both parents - </p>
<p>Sooo..........................thank you all</p>
<p>Dear Zafiro:
Thanks for the update and hope she finds her comfort zone soon and lets you know she is OK. Parenting a young adult sure his harder than parenting a young child, huh and the rewards are more long-term and on the horizon since letting go is so fraught with missteps on both sides. I walked by the baby advice book section tonight in a bookstore with some nostalgia.</p>
<p>I think that your daughter might cringe if she read the thread and feel magnified odd...my introverted S did not like me chatting about him here, although I envied the parents whose kids would sometimes appear in threads and chime in with no problem. So I didn't posted on his college pages or any he applied to attend. Half the students on those pages know each other in Facebook, so it is not all paranoia to protect your child's identity a bit. My son has lots more screening layers to get through before he would join a group of strangers online! However, your D might like the Wm and Mary article..it is not like she doesn't already know some gifted students are introverts and not that well served in public schools. Your husband's book title sounded good too. She needs a language and framework for seeing Self and Others more clearly. That is a lifetime task for us all..but this is a big skill she needs to claim her own style and get to be OK with it. Although I have a degree in counseling, I usually find self help books to only have about three good ideas per book, and sometimes you can find the author's main concept very rapidly and close the book enlightened but without needing to read through tedious example after example on a point. Tell her to read topic sentences, to feel free to skim through till she lands on relevant things. Teach her it is OK to hunt and peck self help books to find nuggets that suit her --She can reject some ideas and learn some things...that is the joy of being a young adult. She doesn't have to take our word for things totally, and can synthesize and change her outlooks at her own pace.
anyway, here's to knowing the world is a better place because of people with introverted modes of being...and good luck.
I may pick up the book Letting Go for myself...I poked through it at Barnes and Noble. I need to get ready for the month long break when my S returns and things are altered. I did read a reminder about kids phoning home from college mostly with their negative feelings to parents. This has happened to me already on one matter, yet I got very little detail on all the stuff that is stupendously wonderful and exciting, although to be fair my S has stated he is very happy. I do understand that his new life feels more his creation if he keeps more private than before.</p>