<p>My daughter recently started college - Not to typecast - but she is very much an INTP - she's very bright, an only child. She was put in a dorm room with 2 other girls. She feels excluded - She tells me she shared that she was shy and didn't want to be perceived as standoffish. She has made great strides and has been participating in events. I think she is somewhat overwhelmed - but she feels very lonely - she's not asking to come home or crying yet - but she has expressed the loneliness - "everyone has someone they are with" I've talked about giving it time, reaching out etc - just don't know how to help her - Don't know if I should talk to the RA or?</p>
<p>I would wonder how your d. did in high school? Mine was also shy, very bright, etc., but did have a close-knit group of friends. If your daughter managed to find kids with whom she was comfortable with in h.s., she probably will in college too...it just may take her longer than others. Sometimes, the best relationships are not those that are formed in the first few weeks, but those that emerge over time, eg. through shared interests, activities, etc. And it probably would not be in her best interests for you to contact the RA...but perhaps, if your daughter thinks that person would be a good support, she can seek the RA out herself. As hard as it is for a parent to let these things play out, I think your best bet is to continue to support her through phone, e-mail, etc., to encourage her involve herself in some extra-curricular activities, stay busy, and to be patient and to be herself, not try too hard. All she needs is one person to connect to, and things will look immensely brighter. If her school is a good fit, chances are high that this will happen.</p>
<p>donemom's advice is great. I just want to send my empathy because it's hard enough just to have a kid gone-- to be worried about the kid's welfare on top of it must be really difficult. Try to model confidence that she will prevail. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I agree with Donemom; best to continue providing support to your D and suggesting outlets through which she could befriend some like-minded kids. Perhaps she could focus on talking with a new person each day? Sometimes just asking that one question to get the other person to talk will let her relax. Plus, she'll just have to listen!</p>
<p>It sounds like she's trying to find her own path, because she's participating in events, and it sounds like she wants to connect with people. Does she have any kind of support network at school - people she knows from high school, relatives in the area, etc. Also, are there many activities available both in and outside of the school - rural, suburban, or city environment. If she has something in common with her roommates, such as a special interest (listening to music of a particular band/group, or a favorite book or film that she could share), this could be something that could break the ice. D is fairly quiet, but she is starting to come out of her shell. She made sure that she introduced herself to her roommates via Facebook ahead of time, since she knew that she was in a group of seven. This way she already had an idea of the other roommates interests and was able to determine who she would probably get along with best. Plus, she's in a big city, which is an advantage, because there never is a lack of things to do. Your advice about reaching out and giving it time sounds like a good idea. I told my D that everyone is in the same boat, and the students are all trying to meet and connect with one another. It just takes time for them to sort it out. Then, of course, they have the academics to deal with as well.</p>
<p>Donemom, SBmom, and Little Mother- I agree with your advice. zafiro - I hope everything works out for your D. Going away to college is a big adjustment, and the fact that she made that step, is an accomplishment in and of itself.</p>
<p>Donemom seems to have got it right. I would also suggest that your daughter also take this opportunity to focus on her studies. So many first years are so distracted by their new freedom that they fail to focus on the important task at hand-their academics. And as we all know, the frosh dorm can be very distracting.</p>
<p>Participation in clubs, study groups and yes, even "Greek life" can make a hugh difference in a student's feeling of being integrated into the community of the college.</p>
<p>zafiro, I too am a college freshman this year, and the quintessential INTP, though of the male persuasion :). It is never easy for introverted people to develop networks of social support, but participating in activites in which she has interests is probably the best method for your daughter. One thing I would recommend, however, is that she should not try to be overly extroverted in the short term in an effort to make many friends; these people will expect her to remain extorverted, and if she is like me, she will be unable to keep it up without feeling disingenuous and exhausted.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone - I guess I just needed the reassurance - I think I have been following most of the advice as suggested. It is difficult - because I am the exact oppposite ESTJ - therefore sometimes it's hard to understand the difficulty she goes through - and I don't want to give her platitudes and make it like a lecture.<br>
This has been so hard and your right letting them go is hard but worrying about their welfare compounds it - I guess I'm scared she'll get depressed - she had an episode during high school - she recieved therapy, medication etc - has been off medicine for over a year and has been given the tools and knoweldge to help herself - but you worry and fret.<br>
She did have a small circle of friends but they befriended her - in all her years I am unaware of her ever calling somebody and saying "lets do something" So she has been stretching herself more than ever before - I think living on campus has made her more aware of herself.</p>
<p>You know all the doubts and stuff come up - should we have encouraged her, what did we do wrong - intellectualy I know things are good and this needs to happen - emotionally it's hard</p>
<p>I would suggest she participate in an activity that has a "product" or "goal" requiring teamwork--if not sports then the newspaper, literary magazine, choir, a cappella group, or social service or religious organization. This gives you instant group membership and lets you be a useful contributor without forcing extrovert behavior. Paticipants will come to value you for what you contribute to the common goal.</p>
<p>Reminded me of a story recently told me by a friend. . .</p>
<p>She was a typically shy person whose home was near the college she attended but she started her freshman year in the dorms. She was miserable--lonely, everyone had someone but her,etc. She called home to her mother for sympathy. The advice her mother gave her was to get out there and introduce herself to people pronto, otherwise people would already have made their friendship circles and she'd be left out.</p>
<p>So that night she went to a party; the next day when she went down for breakfast, she was going to sit at a table by herself but then saw someone she met at the party the night before. She decided to re-introduce herself to this fellow. Fast forward umpteen years--they have been happily married and bless the day she followed her mother's advice.</p>
<p>ellemenope, That was such a nice story.</p>
<p>I know my parents are strong believers in the idea that it helps to plan your child's first trip home so that he/she can look at his/her first year in more manageable chunks. Maybe if you schedule a weekend home about a month or so into the school year, your daughter can take school in smaller bites and it will give her something to look forward to.</p>
<p>I had some problems finding people that I enjoyed hanging out with. Encourage her to do something that she wouldn't normally do. ie I hate shopping with a passion yet went with a bunch of girls from my floor to the mall early on in the schoolyear. After a few hours of wandering around, there was a group of us that decided we were sick of shopping and caught the train back together. A year later these people are still my best friends.
Instead of locking herself away in her room to study, suggest that she seek out other people from her classes (the people that sit in the front are the best bet if she's a serious student) and ask to study with them or simply sit around the same table to work on homework (even if it is for a different class).
She doesn't have to be best buds with her roommates, and it's probably even better if she's not. They should tolerate and try to accommodate each other, but if they try to be too close of friends, chances are they will burn out and that is not a good situation.</p>
<p>I am introverted (pretend otherwise, but still), and starting college - and even law school - was rough for me.</p>
<p>The best advice I got, after a lonely year, was to meet all 5,000 people on campus. My aunt told me that, until I had met them all, I couldn't say that there was no one I clicked with. I took that advice - it was certainly difficult for me - but it worked out well. Move-in day, sophomore year: two girls were moving in across the hall at the same time, both sophomores as well. I tried talking to them, but was really too shy to say much. Always the organized type (see "Move In Tips,") I had unpacked my room in about an hour flat. They were laughing across the hall, but utterly disorganized - parents with them, everyone just getting in each other's way. I heard one of them say, "I need scissors! Where are my scissors?? I don't remember where I packed them!" I was almost too shy to even say anything, but I walked across the hall and said, "I have scissors. Would you like to use mine?" Same thing happened ten minutes later when they needed Resolve for their carpets. Making the opening small talk was enough - we became great friends within a few days. </p>
<p>So - best I can ever suggest is to slowly overcome the shy (INTJ for me) part of yourself - just start talking to people whenever there is an opening or the opportunity for it.</p>
<p>I can relate to your daughter. I was a very shy girl who chose to attend college a long way from home (partly because I knew I needed to do that for my own personal development). I was very lonely my first quarter. I tried to be friends with my roommate and hang out with her group of friends, but they started excluding me, and my roommate finally asked me to move out, saying I was too quiet. I was devastated, especially because the person I had to move in with was known as "weird." However, it turned out to be the best thing for me. She was quite outgoing, but didn't have many friends because she tended to be a bit different. We clicked and became great friends. By the end of my freshman year, I had gained self-confidence and loved being at that college.</p>
<p>I think it can be harder to be in a triple, since there is always the tendency for pairing off, with one girl being left out. But I agree with what others have said. Encourage her to take part in activities that interest her. That will help her find people with similar interests. Classes can also be a good source of new friends, especially smaller, seminar-type classes. Volunteer work is another possibility. It may take some time, but friends will come.</p>
<p>I think the best thing my mom did was keep in contact and listen to me. That was in the days before email and cell phones, so I tended to write long letters home and call collect once a week or so. My mother was always there to listen and be sympathetic, but she never interfered or suggested that I couldn't make it work. (Even though I found out later she had many people suggest she was wrong for letting me go away to college) Knowing I had somebody who loved me and had faith in me was a big help, even through the hard first months. The beginning of the freshman year is a big adjustment, but things usually get better. They certainly did for me!</p>
<p>I raised a very functional introvert that I sometimes did not understand as well as I would have liked. I foolishly tried to coach him to be an extrovert like Mom too many times, but later learned to appreciate his mode of being. That doesn't mean that he didn't get some focused skill set lectures and practice with my coaching..like conversation is initiated when you ask about the other person and listen. He needs refueling time alone but actually mixes quite well. I notice he has loads of friends as long as he is in activities and doing something organized, active or in music...but forget about the initiating skills for just hanging out..he is missing the small talk gene and the telephone exchange skill gene. He seldom initiates with ease but who would know since because he stays pretty happily connected with activities and outlets as simple as going to the gym or to a rehearsal. I hope he is asking about the kids he is meeting and getting to know and appreciating the other young people at college and I believe he is, but it is not a fluid skill for him. I bet I repeated "the way to have a friend is to be one" a hundred times before I noticed the kid actually had a great circle of friends. Here is the article that he felt helped him understand himself better..and isn't the development of self what this stage is all about. Best wishes to smoother weeks ahead this year for your girl and for a couple of new friends for her just around the corner. Do tell her not to "write off" anyone she might not quite click with, but to stay open-minded because kids tend to regroup and select friends again a bit further down the road and her first impressions may be turned on their head..someone irritating may turn out to be a lamb, someone friendly and popular may turn out to be a bit shallow..stay open...<a href="http://cfge.wm.edu/documents/Introversion.pdf%5B/url%5D">http://cfge.wm.edu/documents/Introversion.pdf</a></p>
<p>I think it might be OK in this case to speak to someone in Residential services to suggest that your daugter's introversion is going to likely result in triangle behavior in a triple, and if a double should open up later this year, she would likely be willing to move for a fresh start. It is easier to feel more equitably treated socially in a double even if you don't do a lot of things with a roommate. Also, perhaps she could fill time to decrease her sense of being left out of groups of yakking girls with a small part time job on campus and keep "her dance card full" with volunteer or artistic outlets where she might make friends just in an effort that is a positive for her university campus. Her hall mates may soon notice that she is a contributor and interested in her school and friends even if she is not chatty. I repeat and repeat that the way to make friends is simply to show interest in the other person, and to an extent she could use coaching there. She is smart and can read about different temperaments. I like an article posted on the Wm and Mary Gifted Ed site because it totally places equal value on introversion and helped my Son claim his temperament and helped us as parent/son get used to having different modes.</p>
<p>Does her school have a facebook or something like it? It might be easier for her to look for people with some common interests there and communicate with them online than introducing herself in person. It might be as simple as: do you know when the --- club meets? Are you going to the first meeting? Or even being part of a silly Facebook community organized around Harry Potter or her favorite band (is there one for Introverts are People Too?) might be a way to "meet" people before she actually meets them. I was an introverted kid myself and I envy this generation for the possibility of online communication as an ice breaker. </p>
<p>Triples are a bad housing design, notorious for producing situations in which one roommate feels left out -- which is the reason many colleges do not have them. Maybe just knowing that could make her feel better that it is not her "problem" as much as it is a common problem.</p>
<p>I know it's hard, but I don't think you should contact the RA unless there is a point at which you really fear for her safety. I think it's better to express your confidence in her -- that she's a likeable person and so, there are bound to be people there who will eventually realize what a great friend she is to have. The suggestion of getting involved in something that requires people to count on her -- whether volunteer work, a performing arts group, or a study group ---whatever her genuine interests are, and then being a person who can be counted on, sounds good to me.</p>
<p>If your D likes to read, I would tell her to take her book or even a magazine and go read in a public place, like the Student Union, library or on an outdoor bench. Kids will be around her and if she looks up when they pass, many opportunites to start a conversation will develop naturally. (Is that a good book? What class are you reading that for?) Studying in the library, she may find other kids just like her. As long as she isn't locked away in her room with the door closed, she will acclimate. Many kids feel lonely at the start, in time she should be fine. Keep encouraging her and try not to worry too much.</p>
<p>Faline
I enjoyed the article. thanks for posting the url</p>
<p>To the OP
I would build on successes D has already had; how she has made friends in the past, whethr thru study groups, shared classes, ECs. If it takes her a long time to make a friend, remind her of that, and how when she does find someone, its usually a solid relationship. Its OK for others to try and bond immediately, but often these relationships never go further. good luck, its hard to hurt when our children hurt</p>