Any way to help my daughter who has been left out the entire 3.5 years of college? She has joined clubs - even as president, works, has a roommate etc. Actually pretty outgoing, will talk to anyone. She has continually asked people to do things, eat together etc. Her roommate does not include her in social activities even when first asked when they moved in together a year ago. Kids always deflect when asked to do something. They speak about doing things in front of her and do not include her.
She has done all the “things” they say to do and would kill to be invited to even one party. She does not do drugs - which she gets made fun of (pot) and is a social drinker.
I received another crying phone call as everyone around her was making plans for the small department xmas gathering tonight and not one inclusion of her. We just don’t get it.
Sorry. That is a really hard call to get. It’s hard to advise without having background and more details, but I would suggest that you contact the school health services and inquire about getting counseling for her so she has someone to help her through this challenging time, talk through her feelings and develop some strategies in forming relationships.
I am curious how your daughter ended up with her roommate if they aren’t friends. Does she have a group of people she regularly hangs out with? Is it just the people at her job?
I am so very sorry your daughter has been excluded. I’m sure it is unbelievably painful for you as a parent as well as for her.
There isn’t much time left in college for her but I would encourage her to just distance herself from these unkind roommates. It might be a good idea to seek counseling and explore the question if there is anything off-putting that she doesn’t realize she is doing or if she just hasn’t found her people.
Good for her for not doing drugs. It will pay off.
Only one semester left. Kids who appear to older people as great kids are often not as popular among peers because frankly, college kids make judgments based on superficial qualities such as clothes you wear or music you listen to. I think you as a parent might have some ideas, but the bottom line is your kid has not yet met kids who click with her. For example, my kid often gets complimented by adults who interact with him as a very wonderful mature, good listener and thoughtful person — I had adults who interacted with him for even 20 minutes approach me to gush about his good qualities —but I doubt he is viewed in such high regard by his peers at his school. And many kids rarely have enough empathy for other kids who appear to be trying too hard; it makes them feel superior to exclude.
All I can suggest to her is to try to find her tribe…what types of things does she like to do? Has she tried Meetup?
How did she do in HS?
Yes, they were friends prior, did some things together. But when roommates, she became more involved with another group of girls and just never included her to do anything. so they are on 2 years of roommates, but do not do anything together socially.
Thank you all for your comments. I had to start a new profile to log back in. She has a couple of good friends but they don’t hang together all the time as both do not live on campus but rather a few towns away.
This is a small college town with no meet ups that are appropriate. I have told her she may want to ask someone to find out what other people see, that she may not like the answer, but it would be helpful moving forward. She has tried multiple clubs, but what is not said in many situations at universities, is the clubs really aren’t active. She never hit on one that really was active enough to establish friendships. Did band for one year, but that was too much for school and band. And if you don’t continue inj the big group - people move on. Thanks all I just needed to vent I guess and hope that grad school if she gets in may change things around for her. It’s hard knowing they feel invisible and provide you with examples of how it feels to them.