Helping our kids prepare for decision day

<p>I am sure that our household is not the only one feeling the stress, anxiety and anticipation of the looming decision days of March 28 and April 1. It may be a bit control freak of me, but I think it would be good to have some low key discussions with my son about the reality of what the decisions may mean -- especially if he is not accepted to any of this top three choices. I have heard many stories of kids like my DS -- top of their class, excellent test scores, well rounded ECs -- who for a variety of reasons (and numbers) don't get into any of the ivys or highly selective universities, regardless of their incredibly hard work and seemingly "perfect' fit. </p>

<p>So, I thought I would put it out there. Do any experienced CC parents have experience/sage advice/words of wisdom?</p>

<p>Or should I just pour a big glass of wine and keep my mouth shut?</p>

<p>Three years ago I knew that our D would most likely be disappointed, but I refrained from saying anything before hand, because it seemed so important to her to remain hopeful. When she heard from the first college during that fateful week, she was waitlisted. She starting crying and said she was afraid that was an omen that she wouldn’t be accepted at her other reaches. I wanted to reassure her, but I couldn’t give her false hope, so I just told her that that would be the worst case scenario, and we would have to see how it goes.</p>

<p>In retrospect, that was the best approach for her. She did end up receiving an acceptance at one, but the FA was not satisfactory. Still, the acceptance made her feel so good. She was also waitlisted at two more reaches, and she was very excited about that. She said that that meant she was the type of student they wanted, but that they just didn’t have enough room for her.</p>

<p>Where she ended up going turned out to be the best place for her. She couldn’t see that until the second day of freshman orientation.</p>

<p>I feel for you. I had myself worried sick about it for at least three months before the decisions came out.</p>

<p>Pour that glass of wine. Both of our kids did not get accepted to a school and both survived. </p>

<p>The ONLY thing we did was set a deadline for our kids to make a matriculation decision. We wanted it to be a few days before May 1, so we could send the deposits etc, and not have to worry about last minute computer snafus.</p>

<p>We’ll all join you for a glass of wine. </p>

<p>My own S2 gathered a couple of high reach no’s and a waitlist a couple of years ago, but by then he also had some acceptances. We all looked at those high reach applications as a roll of the dice, and he was happy with the acceptances he already had, so the denials were much less important.</p>

<p>Do you have any acceptances to focus on and to be excited about?</p>

<p>The morning when D2 was to receive her ED decision, I wrote her a letter. I told her how proud I was of her, no matter what the result was of that evening we would always be proud of her. She was away on a school trip, few thousand miles away. She said she cried when she read my email. I cleared my calendar at work from 5 to 5:30 just in case i had to pick up the pieces. She called me at 5:01 to let me know the good news. </p>

<p>Most schools do email notification now. I would suggest to have someone at home when the news come out. I was on a business trip when D1 was shut out of every school. All rejections came out within minutes.</p>

<p>I agree with oldfort’s general approach here. H and I told our kids (awaiting ED decisions) that the fact that they were able to put forth credible applications to really good schools meant that they had what it took to be successful no matter where they wound up. That having the guts to swing the bat (and face the rejection) was more important than whether the ball actually connected. And we meant it, thoroughly and completely.</p>

<p>Thank you so much, one and all. From you I have learned many, many, things;

  1. Reminding your kid how wonderful they are BEFORE annoucement time is so important. You think they know how you feel, but telling them pro-actively, lets them know how you do, regardless of the college’s decision.
  2. That rejections have so little to do with them personally. Even though it surely feels that way.
  3. To quote John Lennon, “everything will be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”
  4. With all these brilliant, talented, kind and creative kids here on CC, someone should figure out a way to allow us to all share a bottle of wine and toast our kids!</p>

<p>It’s definitely a hard and stressful time. DS1 had a mix of acceptances, waitlists and rejections. And while we focused on the positives it’s hard not to take the rejections personally even when they were reaches.</p>

<p>For DS2 he has one more to hear from that will be a major reach. In fact he didn’t even think he would apply to this one until the last minute. All his others are acceptances but I know this will still be hard since it’s his dream school.</p>

<p>Our guidance counselor sent out the follwing article in an email to all senior parents and students and it is definitely worth reading.</p>

<p>[Brian</a> Harke Ed.D.: March Madness: College Admissions](<a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>March Madness: College Admissions | HuffPost College)</p>

<p>Rec’d For the Lennon reference! :)</p>

<p>And I recall telling our kids that like it or not it IS a numbers game - that’s why you apply to more than 1 school, and why you have safety schools. Good luck!</p>

<p>Exactly NUgraddad, all through the process we talked about how a school might be looking for a blonde female who plays the bassoon and you don’t meet the criteria they are looking for. </p>

<p>Nothing wrong with my kid, but they don’t fit the hole the school is trying to fill.</p>

<p>Both kids had schools where they weren’t accepted, but they had lots of good choices where they could be happy.</p>

<p>I have a bet with my son about who accepts and who rejects him. If I win (more correct), he buys dinner and if he wins (more correct) I buy dinner. He’s got a couple fine EA acceptances so all the rest is icing on the cake and he knows it. Don’t underestimate your kiddo.</p>

<p>What was important for me as a son that was getting decisions was knowing that my parents let me mourn for the surprisingly brief amount of time I needed, and then they helped me focus on the schools I got into. These were not my first choices but my parents helped me see why they were still amazing and fit what I wanted. I totally forgot about the non-acceptance schools and was able to realize how lucky I was to have gotten in where I did. I applied to 15 schools, 3 denied (my top 3 choices), 4 waitlists, 8 acceptances (3 of which were not totally expected). I was bit shaken, but I was satisfied with my results, and now love my school even though it wasn’t my top choice!</p>

<p>I’ve been very blunt with D2 about the realities of applying to “lottery schools.” I explained that she legitimately had the goods to jump in the pool but that 6% admit rates made the decision completely unpredictable. Luckily a few adcoms at presentations along the way said similar things i.e. don’t take the rejection personally. Luckily she has a few admissions in hand, including one that may be “the one” no matter how this week & next go. </p>

<p>We have a vacation planned for 48 hours after the #1 school releases decision, so even if it’s a no, she has something to look forward to soon after. </p>

<p>But wine is a winner too :)</p>

<p>Since my dd has had all of her acceptances since January or earlier decision day for us will be the third week of April when she decides what school she will call home next year. This part of the decision has been harder for me as not being able to plan vacations, make lists for shopping, etc is making me nuts. But I know it is important to give her the space to allow her to make the decision that is best for her. I will live on drinks for the next weeks. Haha!</p>

<p>Remember that even the kids who are not uberkinds are applying to reaches and may still be awaiting decisions (D still waiting for 2). </p>

<p>Sometimes I think the anxiety is worse for me than it is for her. I swore I wouldn’t let this happen to me :(</p>

<p>Both kids had been accepted early from at least one school, so we approached it from the point of view that they already had one good choice. Older son had already been deferred from the EA round at his top choice, so he knew he was a viable candidate, but that the odds were against him. He ended up with two good choices, one much higher ranked overall, the other much better in his field. He waited to the last day, but ended up choosing his field. Younger son got rejected from all the most selective places he applied to. He had purposefully tried very hard not to have a first choice. He ended up taking a good look at the places he got in, and like his brother chose the place that (arguably) has a better reputation in his major. It was a very hard decision, and he made it late in the day of the last day.</p>

<p>Good luck and strength to all! Cheers!</p>

<p>We were lucky our D only applied to schools she would have been happy to attend. She had her personal ranking… and it shifted around somewhat over the weeks and months. In the end she got in to all but one and was waitlisted at that one, but I think it mostly was a matter of selecting ones that were honestly a good match for her in every way and to which she had a decent chance of admission. She did end up at what is a lottery school… and a dream school for her… and feels extremely lucky to have been accepted, but if she hadn’t been – and none of us really thought she would be just because of numbers – she definitely would have been happy elsewhere. It did help her a lot to get an early acceptance from a safety school so she never had the fear of not getting in anywhere. Good luck to all the parents and kids… I definitely think it’s important to let the kid set the rules and the tone… don’t go opening their mail… and whatever happens let them own it. It will all work out.</p>

<p>Old Fort,
Bookmarked and sending greenies your way. I’m going to remember your experience for my 2015 kid.</p>

<p>Hi all,</p>

<p>I just wanted to take a second and “close the loop” regarding my original post. As we feared, our son was rejected from his top three choices – Yale, Duke and Stanford --regardless of his hard work, great grades and scores, leadership positions and the like. He was much more upset than I even predicted, even though he was accepted to many excellent schools, including an ivy. I followed my gut, let him be sad, angry, frustrated and overwhelmed by the prospect of falling in love with one of his remaining choices before May 1. I watched him shut down from Facebook and twitter because he couldn’t handle hearing that his classmates that didnt have his resume were accepted to places that rejected him. I locked myself in my car so he couldn’t see my own sadness and pain. I told him that we wouldn’t do ANY college stuff until Sunday even if he thought he should, I knew he needed to mourn. To his credit, he woke up yesterday, joined accepted students Facebook groups, registered for accepted students days at 4 schools, and made plane reservations.</p>

<p>And his lesson learned? Better than anything I could have predicted. After telling his friends about his rejections, and hearing their shock and anger at the schools for not choosing THEIR SMARTEST FRIEND, my son’s response was, “you know what? I have amazing friends.”</p>

<p>Which, in this mom’s opinion, is much better than being admitted to Yale.</p>