The following is an old thread (2006-2015), but I found the advice extremely helpful:
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/music-major/248498-since-hindsight-is-20-20-what-would-you-have-done-differently-p1.html
Maybe those of you who have helped your children through the application process recently can continue to add on to it through this separate thread?
S has embarked on his 6-week summer music trips studying composition and jazz piano. I’ve encouraged him to keep a journal and write an entry about his experience every day. He sends me his new entry daily through email - that not only helps himself put his thoughts together, but also lets me have a clearer idea of what direction he is heading to and how I can assist him with the application process. I really hope this will be one of the things I can claim I have done right in hindsight.
If I had one bit of advice looking back on raising three kids (only the youngest is a musician but the advice pertains to ALL parents) it would be RELAX and trust your child. Also remember the most competitive or seemingly “best” institution is not necessarily the best place for your child. There is a big advantage to being a big-fish in a small pond. There is an advantage to being at a place where your child can make meaningful friendships and is socially comfortable. Too much stress and anxiety is not good. Some adults take a more winding path than others but those winding paths often lead to interesting places because they learn more along the way than their peers who stay on the rail-road tracks. Teach them to question (a skill that sadly is often neglected in high school). Be patient!!! Teens grow a lot between ages 19 and the mid 20s. Give them space to mature and learn and make mistakes. What they learn from those mistakes will stick and create a much stronger young adult than if you try to micromanage their lives so they avoid those mistakes.
I would not have let my D quit piano when she didn’t like her teacher. I would have found a new teacher for her instead. She’s a talented musician and singer, but she has great limitations because she never really learned to read music. Perfect pitch helps but it doesn’t make up for a lack of training.
StacJips posts are always so wise. I always want to make a poster of them or something 
As a parent, I’ve always had some struggle when having to judge myself as being involved too much or not helping enough. Last school year, the meeting with S’s high school counselor, who strongly discouraged parental involvement (except listening ears and verbal encouragements), led me to complete confusion. Yet I found these experiences shared by CC parents which helped ease my mind:
By @slovesviola :
‘The process of applying to Music School is daunting and virtually impossible for a 17 year old to manage themselves. Be a good “manager”. They will appreciate your assistance with the little details in the long run. I have seen several talented kids who did not get in to schools because they were missing vital information that was right in the instructions.’
By @stringfollies :
‘I second slovesviola’s recommendation that parents “manage” this process. Son had a very aggressive hs guidance counsellor (private school) who was all about the kids doing their applications on their own - she was obviously completely unversed on music school apps. After making the mistake of an early showdown with her, I got around her by giving my son the things/decisions/forms that needed to be gotten by her and staying completely hidden behind him. Don’t be intimidated by aggressive guidance counsellors (unless your kid goes to a music academy of course) - they really don’t know. Your kid will need all the help he/she can get in this maze of a process. I am constantly in awe of the occasional child who manages the whole thing alone.’
S once said to me,‘Without you I wouldn’t have gone this far.’ That keeps me motivated to continue my role as a secretary/research assistant.
I am needing some justification for helping. I’ve read one too many things that say parents should be completely hands off on the application process. Just figuring out how to package up music/theater/out of the box activities into the common app is a pretty daunting process! Let alone figuring out references and deadlines for different music programs. But thinking and categorizing myself as a secretary/research assistant can keep the role where it needs to be.
You NEED to be involved. It IS different. Do yourself a favor and just get over that hump. Here are some words of advice however.
Have a “balanced” approach with your kid. You shouldn’t be leading, only supporting his/her efforts. You WILL need to be the master scheduler, travel agent and possibly task-master to a reasonable degree (doing reminders of deadlines for example). Other kids do not have pre-screens, travel arrangements, auditions all with list of repertoire etc.
Still, you do need to position yourself behind your kid (not leading). This can be tough for parents of musician bc you are SOOO involved in the process (financially and emotionally). This is where the concern comes in. But if you draw boundaries and stay out of the lead…you should be fine. If your kid is leading the charge and you are supporting that’s fine. Even if your kid is a little less focused but getting stuff done (even last minute with a few reminders…even a few warnings) that fine. If your kid is really dragging his/her feet and not hitting deadlines…than the school comes off the list. It’s not your job to hit deadlines. You can mention them. But if your kid doesn’t get it done, the opportunity is gone and that’s on them. At some point, your kid may “cry Uncle” due to a heavy audition schedule and you need to be respectful of that (even if a super cool school is hanging out there…you have to let it go). If you position yourself correctly, you’ll be fine.
The best results may come by simply thinking of yourself as a “mule”. You don’t have an opinion on the trail (assuming a reasonable list is complete). You just do the heavy lifting, follow along and nudge with your nose on occasion. If your master falls on his/her face, you just stand there and wait to see when he/she gets up again.
And yes, a research assistant is appropriate. But give them the basic and why…and then move on. You can spend hours thinking about each school (we all have!) but notice they spend less time…and balance your discussions to where they are at. In other words, keep some of your thoughts to yourself…at least for now. You want them to have space to form their own opinion.
A thing we did right…We banked frequent flyer miles leading up to audition season, and earned a free companion fare through our Southwest Rewards card, so each time S18 had to fly for an audition we could fly my wife using rewards points and my son as her free companion. Still had to pay for accommodations and other expenses, but that saved us thousands.
Thanks for the compliment compmom - as you know my advice comes from raising three pretty darn challenging teens did their share of putting gray hairs on our heads.
I think Bridgenail landed it…parenting is all about finding that sweet spot where you are supporting them while letting them take the lead. It isn’t easy, especially with music and especially if you yourself have any musical knowledge.
And actually that advice applies to ALL KIDS IN ALL FIELDS.
I always joke that my kids are lucky that I have NO talent!!!
Having helped one theatre and one music kid into BFA and BM programs I can tell you, college guidance counsellors know NOTHING about the process of auditions and the shear number of applications that the kids have to submit.
Our kids need a good manager/spreadsheet maker/travel agent/music teacher liaison/cheerleader! Don’t be afraid to help guide them through the process.
Choose wisely and keep the number of auditions down as much as possible. Make sure there is a plan to handle misses school days and work.
Do note that some guidance counselors can be supportive. My D went to a large, suburban public school. It had a strong music and theater program. Every year there were a dozen or so serious kids going down the audition route. While the guidance counselor could not help with school choice (she correctly pointed us to the music teachers), she did know that the process was different and that school would be missed. Her attitude was “tell me what you need and I’ll make it happen, we want your D to be successful”. She also made it clear that she would intervene with any “missed day issues” from the district and/or teachers. And she did.
So not all guidance counselors are the same. Some are giving a different messages. My D did the majority of communication but I would have felt comfortable asking any questions. And…it’s been some years ago for me…but I don’t remember a message that parent should not be involved at all…as maybe a lot of kids would get nowhere fast these days. It’s not like when I went to college when all I had to do was fog a mirror and write a check! Still … in my memory there were certainly messages about “not doing the process for your kid” while they sit on the couch eating donuts and watching sponge bob. They have to be an active participant with reasonable guidance from a parent. So if you are getting the message of a complete hands off, other people are getting a different message.
I will say that music parents do run the risk of getting too involved so parents should check themselves and be sure they are not leading the charge and can let go. It is easy to think “WE’re auditioning at that school! Do you know how much time, money and emotions WE’ve invested in this!!! And WE only have 1 acceptance!!!” This could happen in feb when everyone is exhausted and not at their rational best. So…just be aware. Hopefully you’ll be as exhausted as your kid…and will be glad they made the call. It just should not be you (unless your kids health or grades are at stake where you may need to be the parent and pull the plug).
My son’s guidance counselor was a choral music major in college and is still involved with music. For that I am very thankful as we head into this process. He is very caring and supportive, and interested in my son’s success, although this is a large public school and he is responsible for far too many students to provide more than the basics. Also thankful for all the support and advice and knowledge on cc!
One biggest regret in my life as a parent is that I didn’t have my older son quit music (viola and piano) much much earlier. I had absolutely NO IDEA that his heart wasn’t in music but in tennis. Although I’ve always considered myself very good at detecting people’s likes, dislikes, mood changes, wants, etc., I felt I had been completely and thoroughly fooled by him throughout all these years. He had never shown any “signs” along the way. Once he verbalized this for the first time in his life, I encouraged him to quit music and follow his true passion, tennis. He never touched his viola again and hardly struck a key on our piano ever since. All those years of driving him to private lessons, often through the treacherous road during winter season, waiting in the car during his lessons, preparing for recitals, youth symphony activities that often meant driving him to another city two hours away, concerts, etc. etc. etc. All went up in smoke simply because I had failed to see my son’s inner workings.
My younger son, on the other hand, lives and breathes music. Music’s in him and I don’t think he can live without music. I believe my older son’s distantiating himself all together from music has a lot to do with my younger son’s natural talent in music from early age. When my older son started displaying hostility toward my younger son shortly after they had started their music lessons when they were 6 and 5, I should have known better. I should have known better when their violin teacher one day had suggested that the older one change the instrument to viola.
I have no suggestions for those parents with talent discrepancies among siblings. Everyone and every family’s different. But the talent discrepancy, if it exists in the family, is something to pay a close, microscopic attention to. I encouraged both sons to take a gap year this year, among several reasons, for my older son to indulge in tennis to his hearts content, taking private lessons and entering tournaments. For my younger son, to make the music of his own, something that his extremely busy high school schedule didn’t allow him to, to his hearts content, among other things.
I think parents shouldn’t beat themselves up too much about this kind of thing in terms of kids and activities. My incoming high school senior son has always been a confident performer and musician. He used to have the word prodigy thrown around when he was playing sonatas on the piano at 8. (He’s not ) Academics are just super easy for him too. He started piano at 5. When he said he wanted to major in music I was kind of surprised. He’s a techie and academic too. But his music teachers were like “duh mom - of course that was going to happen”.
So my 2nd born started violin at 4. We homeschool (long story - my oldest went to school for a couple years and that was a bit of a disaster for him. ) and I just considered some form of music part of their education. In fact they always had to have some music and something active going. She started dancing at 5 and LOVED that so much all through elementary school. Dancing many days a week. She begged to quit violin many times but not enough for me to think she really hated it. Meanwhile her sibling was getting a ton of attention for music. When she brought it up I said ok, but then pick another instrument or choir and we’ll talk again when you’re 12. She never chose to switch. Well, she just turned 14. She hasn’t mentioned quitting in a LONG time. She LOVES orchestra. She’s practicing for a overseas tour with her orchestra next summer. And now she loves singing/voice/theater. She takes voice lessons too and she is set up so well for voice from her many years of string training. She is 100% different kid than she was 2 years ago. She is dancing, but much less and more socially while many of her peers focused on dance headed to dance intensives this summer. She just auditioned into a competitive singing group my son has been doing and I’m pretty stunned by the turnaround. She will likely never want to pursue violin as an adult and is not a superstar but she really enjoys it now and has a great relationship with that teacher. I could definitely now see her looking at VP. And she’s just an incoming freshman. Maybe next year she’ll switch gears again, which I’d be totally fine with. When she was younger, she really didn’t want to show interest in anything big brother was doing. And now she’s just infinitely more confident about blazing her own path without minding that it overlaps a bit with the older kid now. And don’t get me wrong - oldest has his own weaknesses. But he eats music for breakfast. I can take him to a professional orchestra or a Broadway show and he will point out mistakes and name the keys the music is in.
Anyway - at this point I feel like you just never know how kids are going to evolve and change over time. I don’t consider myself a tiger mom at all, but I don’t think wanting your child to have a well rounded education that includes music (or sports or engineering camps or whatever) for a certain number of years is awful at all. There’s some pretty solid data about the merits of ALL kids having some music training. And I didn’t start my kids in music with the idea they’d become musicians. I thought about the lessons of patience, focus, fighting perfectionism, working with a mentor, building a practice habit, collaborating, etc that can be applied to so many areas. Sometimes kids real passions take a while to come out. Maybe a kid that was pushed into something in an intense way at 8 but found it at 12 full of self motiviation would have burnt out sooner. Who knows.
Obviously, know your kid and YMMV of course. There’s just no handbook for this stuff!
I could have answered this question in many ways, depending on which year I was writing. Since it’s now 2018 (my daughter finished undergrad in 2014 and MM in 2016) I have a longer perspective and can see that some things I would have done differently several years ago turned out not to be mistakes after all. Of course, my perspective may shift again several more times. There were moves we made as parents that I deeply regretted a few years ago but that I now see as strokes of good fortune and blind luck. There’s so much I could say, but can’t in a public forum about particular situations.
Also remember there is more to life than just a career path. I always tell parents your goal is to raise somebody who is happy with their life and is also able to have meaningful relationships and friendships with others. Life is not just some race to some theoretical finish line of achievement. It is a journey. And everyone has a different approach to how to achieve that balance or how they want to spend their days. My eldest chose graduate school to become an NP over an MD because she knew she wanted a balance in her life that becoming an MD would not allow. Her brother did not choose to attend the most competitive and well known graduate program he was admitted to because he also wanted a balance. Both have excelled in their own way in their profession and both also are in strong and meaningful relationships. And I confess as a grandma-to-be, I am just as proud of their relationships as I am of their professional accomplishments. My youngest is still exploring what he wants, but he has a very strong peer group which has helped him through some of the bumps and setbacks he encounters as he tries to achieve being a professional musician.
@glassharmonica 's view on perspective shifting is interesting!
‘Every cloud has a silver lining.’ When S changed to a school with more rigorous academics before his sophomore year in high school, the immediate impact worried me. Without the close friends with whom he had grown up for the past 10 years, he became so demotivated in the first week that I started feeling guilty of helping him make this decision (kindly not ask why but at that time circumstances made this a rational action). What worsened the situation was the lack of advanced-level music kids and ensembles in the new school, which set a big contrast to his old school.
Looking back, though S did lose opportunities for playing with devoted musicians in school ensembles, what he (and I) didn’t realize at that time was that a lot of doors were slowly opening up. In the past 2 years, he took another path and was frequently performing on stage as an accompanist or soloist at school functions. He also moved behind the scene composing film scores for his schoolmates taking IB Film and developing original music for school plays and musicals.
I agree with @MusakParent that we parents shouldn’t be too harsh on ourselves. I just wish I could see the ‘silver lining’ sooner than later.
I think if you put in all of your effort. If you are humble enough to ask around. If you are bold enough to take actions that ‘you’ need. If you treat your mission like it matters. If you spend the time. I think you can’t look back on that and wish you had done something differently.