Transitions are hard. Follow the excellent advice above and you will find your way.
Also, something I wish I’d known when I started college. Personality matters. If you’re an introvert (and you may be) honor that. That DOESN’T mean it’s OK hole up in your room, but it may mean that big loud parties are just not (and never will be) your thing, and that you will find a social life that sustains you in smaller, quieter, more personal gatherings. And maybe need some downtime in between. THAT IS TOTALLY FINE. You just need to find your niche, and that could take a while, but it will come.
p.s. Know also that there are plenty of people around you going through the exact same thing, but afraid to let people know, so pretending otherwise. You’ll find each other eventually, and laugh about how none of you believed anybody else felt the same way.
Are you depressed or disappointed in your choice of schools?
On 4/28 you made a thread with this post:
I recently committed to Ohio State for 100% financial reasons: they offered me a full ride while my other choices (all of which I liked a lot more, and which were more “prestigious” than OSU) would have been ~$35k/yr, which would have required taking on loans. I’m already regretting it and feeling pretty depressed about where I’m going.
I know the choice I made was the most pragmatic and that I will appreciate graduating debt-free but I just can’t seem to get excited about this school. I feel inferior talking about college with my classmates, whose future schools include Vanderbilt, UPenn, UVA, UMich - I can’t shake the feeling that I’m accepting mediocrity. Anyone here have similar experiences with “buyer’s remorse”? I know it’s important to go into college excited and ready to be part of a student community, so how do I convince myself to like OSU rather than just thinking about the schools I could have gone to?
Have to agree with @ClarinetDad16 and the comments about “buyers remorse”. Picking the school for the right reason is half the battle with dealing with being away from home. If you selected your school only on the basis of financial terms and didn’t really like the school then it may be harder to overcome the feelings you are experiencing.
You need to take time to re-evaluate your situation and your decision. Don’t let this impact your grades and do your best in classes because from the post I’ve read you might be looking at transferring to a different school, even if that means taking on a little debt to do so to help resolve the issues you are having.
Look at this as a learning experience because you will face this again in your career after school. I see it all the time in business with people taking positions for the money and not looking at all the factors. Then they become miserable and hate their jobs. This isn’t much different.
Best of luck as you work through your situation and make sure you don’t rush through any major changes without really looking at the Pro’s and Con’s.
" Picking the school for the right reason is half the battle with dealing with being away from home. If you selected your school only on the basis of financial terms and didn’t really like the school then it may be harder to overcome the feelings you are experiencing."
But, in this case the school WAS chosen for the right reasons - it made financial sense. FULL RIDE, NO LOANS. Affordability trumps (why have I come to cringe at that word?) all else. If this is part of it, don’t regret the decision that allows you to graduate with a good education debt free. That’s a great thing.
My D is about to graduate from the school she has loved, the school we as parents had to sacrifice to send her to. She will graduate with $18,000 in student loans, and the pressure to get a good job to pay those loan payments is already surfacing.
We as a family have appreciated her education, and would probably make the same choice again. But my D had to work 16 hours/week during the school year to contribute to the costs, plus work all summer. She missed out on a lot of fun stuff because she was going to class, working, or eating/sleeping/studying. I had to work additional hours to make our share of the payments. It was not easy, and even as I am relieved that the parental contribution to her education is ending, my D is just getting started. She will be making payments on her student loans instead of buying a new car, putting down a deposit on a home, or getting to travel and see the world before starting her first real job. But if she had been offered a FULL RIDE somewhere, man that would have been hard to turn down.
Think about this…there are people at your school that are thrilled to get to go to school there. How can they be happy at the same place that you are miserable at? What do they see that you don’t ? These are great questions to bring up with your counselor.
Please give yourself 3 or 4 counseling sessions before you think you can’t change how you feel. And if you don’t click with the first counselor, see if there is another counselor on staff you can try. Sometimes personalities just don’t mesh well, and it’s okay to switch.
I completely get what you’re saying about it all being exhausting. My take on it as a returning student who is a mom, who didn’t need to leave everything she loved, is that the first few weeks of class freaked me the hell out and sucked the life right out of me. I was like, what was I thinking? This is way too hard! You have the added pressure of being in a living situation without the people who love you most and the familiarity of your childhood-I get it, it’s CRAZY hard for people who are sensitive and super bonded to their family.
In my case, I stuck with it, cut back on stuff that I just didn’t have the psychic energy to devote to (in your case, this might be parties, in my case, it was trying to get a realtor’s license at the same time as full time school), and it got better. Saying “I can’t pick you up today, I have school” broke my heart when I had to say it to my teenagers, but it needed to happen because it’s growth. It’s the same thing for you being able to live away from your parents-it breaks your heart, but it has to happen so you can grow as a person (nobody tells you that growth sometimes hurts like hell).
Your brain will adapt. Stop drinking-I actually had to give up my nightly glass of wine because it was denting my ability to perform at a WAY higher level than I was used to. I just needed my whole brain to cope, and you are having to deal with stuff at an even higher pressure level than I am-just take alcohol out of the equation for a while until you adapt to all the stressors on you.
I think counseling is a good idea-I did some when I wanted to go back to school because just the idea of it scared the hell out of me. It’s good to have someone who you can express all your fears to that can help you tackle them from a behavioral point of view-it’s just such a huge shift in how your brain is used to operating that it causes some people (like you, and like me) a huge amount of misery until you figure it out.
Don’t give up-at some point you’ll be able to get all the work done and it won’t feel like it’s crushing you. Hey, my brain is old and it managed to kick into gear, yours is young and strong and flexible-you can do it.
I can sympathize with you, and I can only tell you that you are 1 1/2 hrs away from home. You aren’t that far at all. You’re able to visit on weekends if it’s feasible and when you can, and family can come and visit you. This is part of something called growing up, and it’s not going to be easy the first few months. After the first semester is over, things should look a little brighter for you, and come easier for you. It’s a pain that comes along with letting go of home for now, and believe me, you will get accustomed to it as hard as it seems now.
I’m the parent of a daughter who went to college in Canada (we are in NJ). She tried her best to get along alone as best she could. It wasn’t easy because she was pretty far, and she did get homesick although she had sworn she wanted to go to this special school there (Nova Scotia) which was inexpensive compared to schools in the US. A boy in her graduating class actually went to school in Holland, for the same reason. She had a roommate who never left the dorm and had my daughter go with her everywhere, even this girl was from Canada. This drove her crazy because my daughter loves privacy.
For now, don’t worry about attending parties. Don’t recluse yourself either, I mean, do go for walks, go to movies, entertain yourself and when you are ready for company do so. In time you will feel more at home, and although you will still miss home it will be much easier. Get on skype with your family, keep in touch, and call them They will appreciate that as well.
Also, if you feel that you don’t want to do anything and are miserable, that can be a sign of depression, and it’s good that you are going to see a counselor for that. It’s not a mater of “fixing you”; it’s a matter of having them help you to adapt in this new environment. If they think things are more serious than that, they will help you with that as well.
“Also, if you feel that you don’t want to do anything and are miserable, that can be a sign of depression, and it’s good that you are going to see a counselor for that. It’s not a mater of “fixing you”; it’s a matter of having them help you to adapt in this new environment. If they think things are more serious than that, they will help you with that as well.”
This is the best-the ONLY right answer here in all of the posts you’ve gotten, OP. My dearest friend suffers from depression, and this is exactly what it’s like. The good news is that depression can be situational and can be beaten when it’s temporary due to something as momentous as starting college. And I get it-90 minutes from home can seem like 9,000 when you’re depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, etc. Absolutely go to the counselor and get some coping tips. That’s what they do for a living, and that’s what they watch for in new students. They can help you.
Also, please ignore the people telling you to basically put on your big girl panties and power on because you’re being a selfish baby. Depression is real, and it can come out of nowhere even for someone with no history of ever being depressed. One does not power through it. You’ve taken the first step by asking for suggestions, now go get some help. And good luck. It WILL get better.
@redandblack – you’re developing your resilience right now. I second the reply that said to find some sort of yoga or other exercise class at school. That has a way of clearing your head so that you can see the big picture again. Also, make a list of things you need to do for school and start crossing them off one-by-one as they’re completed. That’s the best way to get through feeling overwhelmed.
@MotherOfDragons - not intending to be harsh, because actually any of the answers that acknowledged OP’s depression was a good one. That’s what I think is the best response rather than any that tell her to suck it up. That’s how my friend’s family handled it and now well into adulthood she’s not only estranged from most of her family, has yet to find a good support system. Hard to figure that out when you’re a teen facing issues like this for the first time if the people who allegedly care about you tell you to snap out of it.
^Until she’s been clinically diagnosed with depression by a professional it is not appropriate for you to do so. The majority of the posts on this thread have been very supportive.
I was very homesick as well when I was a freshman. I had a weird roommate who was crazy rude and had a hard time finding my niche. I would try exercising like others have suggested and I would also join a club…either the one that brings concerts to your school, the one that hosts alumni, choir, drama, dance, anything that you are interested in. If you have a group you hang out with, you will be much happier. It is hard to feel as if you live out of a suitcase. But, just know that college is such an important time in your life and you can do this. The counselors are there to help and I think it would be great to talk to someone about how you feel.
Not diagnosing, but even not depressed yet feeling exhausted and hopeless needs understanding rather than tough love. The steps that could help are pretty much the same as those that would help a depressed person. I’ve not yet heard of a stressed, sad, exhausted person being helped by being told to just deal with it. My only point. I did not intend to dismiss other POSITIVE feedback.
Understanding and tough love are not mutually exclusive exercises.
All of the understanding in the world will not mitigate the fact that someone in this mindset is at high risk of bombing out. According to other posts, the person is at risk of losing maximal financial aid in a competitive environment where others who require less understanding would happily replace the OP. And understanding is a reciprocal process - part of the OP’s problem is a lack of understanding (or acceptance) of the process of normal development and maturation.
I think its good to hear all voices and advice just like one might hear the “Dad” voice and the “Mom” voice at home. Hearing that you need to “buck up” and stay on track and take care of your crap so you don’t jeopardize your scholarship is just as important to hear as the reinforcement to go to the counselor and get some exercise, etc. The “tough love” voices weren’t telling the OP not to get counseling after all. And to the OP’s credit, she did latch on to those comments and came back asking more specifics on what was meant and how to do it.
