I go to college about 1.5 hours away from home. I moved in on the 16th. The first few days were AWFUL - I’d randomly tear up during the day, I couldn’t sleep, I sobbed pretty much every time I had a chance to be alone. I missed my parents, my sister, my house, and the familiarity & comfort of living at home.
It’s gotten better since then but I am still fundamentally miserable. Living on my own is exhausting. I never want to do anything. I’ve met a lot of people and made a lot of friends but I never actually feel like doing anything with them - I force myself to hang out with them but I’d rather just do nothing. I already feel overwhelmed by my classes - they’re already so much work and I hate it. Parties feel pointless and depressing. Is this what adult life is like? Just work work work and then get drunk on your free nights until you die? I set up an appointment with counseling but I’m terrified that I don’t have a curable medical condition & that my personality is just geared toward misery and exhaustion.
I miss my mom. I want to go home. I hate college. This level of suffering isn’t normal, right? Will I feel better with time? I’m scared that this is a taste of what I’ll feel like for the rest of my life.
Maybe not normal but not uncommon, either. You’re doing all the right things by investigating the option of counseling. Hang in there.
I really, really relate to this post. The exhaustion of living by yourself, the depressing nature of parties, all of it. It’s really hard; I go to college all the way across the country.
It won’t last forever though. I think that in these kinds of situations things only work out when you stop trying to force them to. Some of the best friends I ever had were people I met when I was trying to get to know other people better. Life is weird that way.
I guess if your personality is like mine, there’s a sense in which it won’t end. I’ll be completely honest with you–I will officially be a senior in college in just under a week and I’m not taking that well at ALL. But that doesn’t mean I experienced that sense of despair throughout sophomore and junior year. In other words, it may continue to go in waves as you adjust to each major change in your life (and I think that’s normal), but four years is a long time to be in one place, and I definitely predict that you’ll adapt at some point well before your college career is over. 
I’m glad you are seeking counseling. I do think that, for some people, it’s “normal” to feel homesick at first. You haven’t been there very long, after all. But it sounds like this is more than just homesickness and I think it’s wonderful that you are open to getting some help, even if it’s a bit scary. Hang in there and make sure to keep that appointment.
I’m glad you set up an appt with counseling. Just having someone to talk to and vent is often the best medicine. The counselor will hopefully also help you come up for some coping mechanisms for dealing with your homesickness.
You are making the right steps. Pat yourself on the back and be patient and kind with yourself. It’s a big adjustment even for those who might not be showing it on the surface. Give yourself time and keeping hanging in there. One day at a time as they say. Keep forcing yourself to be social and it will click eventually. Make sure you are taking care of yourself by getting enough sleep and eating well. Squeezing in time for regular exercise is also a great thing to do because it helps release endorphins to make you happy and it helps release stress.
Hugs.
No, most adults don’t spend all their free time getting drunk. We call that alcoholism.
That’s a phase of immaturity that college students tend to pass through, it’s the socially safe and easy thing for insecure kids away from home to do because that’s what a lot of other people are doing and they want to fit in and it all seems so cool and grown up to them. I’m sure there are other students who have better things to do with their time–try to find them. Join some activities.
You’re definitely not the only one experiencing homesickness and it’s a great idea to seek counseling. It sounds like you’re not the biggest fan of parties - have you tried joining other clubs and finding groups of more like-minded people who would rather stay in on weekends and watch a movie or play games? It might seem like everyone parties, but that’s not the case.
Counseling isn’t just for diagnosable mental illnesses. It can be a great place for them to provide advice on coping or adapting to new and difficult situations. They can help arm you with strategies to practice which can help you improve your emotional wellbeing. Many people go to counseling to improve their overall happiness even if they have no DSM level illness. Hang in there and it will get better!
If you’ve never lived away from home before, this is totally normal. It would be odd if you DIDN’T miss your mom, your sister, and your home.
Time is your friend. As time goes by, you will feel more and more comfortable at your college. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing—going to college, making friends, and going to class. If you don’t like parties, don’t go. Try to resist going home for a weekend. It will be too hard to transition back to school. Wait until you like it more at school so that you look forward to coming back after a weekend home.
Oh, and one more thing: You can miss your home terribly AND have a good experience at college at the same time. You don’t have to choose one or the other.
Growing up is hard to do. Counseling is a good idea so long as you are willing to adjust your approach rather than complain ad nauseum. Living 90 minutes from you parents and attending an American college is not “suffering.” It is a privilege that relatively few people in the world enjoy. Living at college is not typically exhausting. Virtually everything is provided for you although I don’t know the details of you college. And you have been there “a few days.” Resiliency is an important trait to develop - one reason that college is 4 years rather than 4 days. I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound like you need a cold shower regarding college or you are going to bomb out quickly - or rebound quickly. Be patient, attend class, do your homework. Go home on weekends if you must.
I am curious: Why do YOU think you are feeling this way? Why is it exhausting for you? You have no responsibilities except to do your school work and to take care of your personal hygiene.
Change and being outside of one’s comfort zone can be exhausting. Anything that is emotionally draining can be exhausting. I think that’s in the realm of normal behavior, however, if it goes on for weeks, do talk to the health center about it and definitely mention it in your counseling session.
You are stronger than you think you are. Go to counseling, they can give great advice on making it through this huge transition.
You are not alone, many other freshmen are crying with homesickness right now. Unfortunately, so much emphasis has been placed on how great your college years should be. The reality is that you are making the biggest transition of your life, and it is not easy to just switch gears and know how to make this new life of yours work well.
Give yourself time to cry, make it a part of your routine. Maybe 20 minutes a day to feel sorry for yourself, to grieve that you are not home with your family. But also keep doing some activity with others everyday .
Remember why you picked this college, surely there were things you liked about it. Remind yourself of your goals and how this college can help you reach them.
I am a parent, and I still grieved over my oldest child leaving for college. I was so happy for her, but sad for me at the same time. It took several weeks before I got over the worst of my sadness. It was a huge change, and it was the unknown factor that made it worse.
Maybe you are fearing the unknown? Making friends, setting a new routine, forming a study group or joining a club could help make your college feel more comfortable.
You can do this. It is a great first step that you reached out for help . That is a sign of maturity. Give yourself a hug and a pat on the back.
Keep us posted, let us know how you are doing. You are not alone.
@brantly I don’t know. That’s partly what I’m asking and what I’m so bewildered about. I think some people, for whatever reason, are just hypersensitive, not resilient, and prone to depression and unhappiness. I’m afraid that I’m one of those people and I want to know how to fix it. I think my attitude toward life is fundamentally broken and that most people take their level of emotional stability for granted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I hate it.
@WISdad23 I know I’m very privileged & spoiled and that there’s no logical reason for me to hate college. How do I develop resiliency? What exactly is the “cold shower” I need regarding college? I know college isn’t typically exhausting, and that my life doesn’t fit the definition of “suffering”. But I still feel exhausted and miserable. I don’t know why.
@redandblack I think what you just said above is an excellent start and very insightful. When you go to the counseling center, be sure to tell all of this to the counselor. In the meantime, keep going to class and doing your work. Maintain social ties with the friends you’ve made. Miss your home and family as much as you want, while at the same time working on having a good college experience.
People cope differently and some people naturally bounce back a bit quicker than others. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or “broken” with you. It just means that you don’t yet have the tools or know how to apply them well. Counseling is a great place to get the resources and advice to be able to better cope.
College is exhausting for many people, you’re not alone and what matters is how you feel not whether or not its “logical.” If you are not feeling happy then those feelings are valid, regardless of whether or not they seem logical they’re very real and definitely something that you can work with counselors on addressing. They’ll help you figure out why you’re not happy and work towards a happier/more emotionally stable life.
@redandblack
I second @doschicos 's comment on exercise. Try out some of the group fitness classes offered at your university rec center like yoga and spinning, and see if the rec center also offers dance classes.
It doesn’t matter if you’re “unathletic.” Everyone starts from somewhere!
You said it has already gotten a little better - that’s something you should take solace in.
I relate to you. I’m a guy who was a freshman last year. I had terrible homesickness problems in middle school that got better in high school, but I was still terrified to go off to college - 7 hours away, much more than 1.5! - and leave everyone, I was almost certain that my homesickness would hit hard and I wouldn’t last 2 weeks. While my family was still helping me move in the first few days I kept periodically crying and was so nervous. Eventually they went home, and it was a little rough the first few days but soon I was feeling much better than I thought I would. I saw a counselor throughout the whole year which definitely helped. I wasn’t even one of the kids who was making tons of friends in the first month or even semester, but I wasn’t in a terrible position. I was pretty hesitant on whether I wanted to stay at the school the first semester, thought about transferring, but I eventually decided I liked it enough to stay.
I also started exercising, running several times a week and sometimes going to the gym in the spring. It helps a ton, boosts your mood and focus and overall you just feel better. You might think you have no time with all your work, but take those 30 minutes you would have spent browsing stuff on the internet and just do it. It’s worth it. You don’t have to become some aerobic freak, it should just be something that helps you blow off steam. I also joined a couple clubs/student orgs
Stick it out for at least a little while, join some clubs and get involved, stay on top of stuff but don’t forget to try and enjoy yourself! I know you feel miserable now, let it all out to your counselor and really work on getting stuff figured out for yourself - it’s your experience! Best of luck
I also want to say - you’re definitely strong enough for this. There are people at strict military colleges or people who don’t get to go to college who would love to be where you are. You can do it, even if it takes a little extra work and support, it’s very possible. Also, college life is not a foreshadowing of your life in the future. Don’t read into it too much - you’re still a teenager, and you have a lot of time to figure things out.
There are students who think that whether they attend class depends on whether they feel like attending class or whether it is Monday at 8:30AM. Resiliency is the latter.
When you agreed to your acceptance at the college you attend, you committed to completing a degree in ~4 years and odds are you agreed that someone else would pay for it. Reneging on that commitment after a few days is not resilience.
Good hearted people here are giving you good advice. Taking it is resilience. Help-seeking-rejecting is not resilience.
You asked how do you become resilient. In terms of college, you go to class whether you feel like it or not; you do your homework whether you feel like it or not; you suffer through frustrations when you feel like giving up; you take sound advice when you ask for it; you realize that millions of others have done what you are doing so it must be attainable; and you can still go home and enjoy your family on weekends or breaks.
It could be that you are too young for this transition, but your remark that “It’s gotten better since then” in just 8 days is indicative that you have what it takes to adjust and that your new situation does have some appeal for you.
This is good advice, though I’d say resist it for longer than that. There is value in committing to stay away from home for a time. You will happen upon something pleasurable in your new environment (you can count on it, but the specific thing will probably befall you unexpectedly), and it is likely to make a greater impression on your mind if thoughts of home have been allowed to recede through separation.
This is a miserable time, but miserable episodes are intrinsic to life. Fundamentally, ANY major life transition has some misery in it. This is an episode which will end, although it will take a few weeks.