How a students sees it

Parents Forum
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<p>Tonyt88 - As has already been expressed, one size does not fit all when it comes to parenting of children in the same family. I have two sons (a sophomore and junior at two different state universities). Due primarily to his genetics (some AD-HD with a "live in the here and now" personality), my junior-level son needs more parental guidance and more directive type encouraging than my younger son on such things as taking steps to choose a career and prepare himself for life after college. With my son the sophomore I am more an advisor in most situations rather than a parent. For instance, he is still evaluating potential career paths - law, MBA, working for the federal government in some capacity, etc. - so I provide both verbal and written advice from various sources (including sending posts from various CC forums) on the different careers (both pros and cons). He is doing great grade-wise so my only role is as cheerleader. </p>

<p>When they were in the college hunt a few years, I was heavily involved in helping them research and find appropriate colleges and universities because: (1) I did not have adults in my life when I was in high school who could help me avoid the pitfalls and (2) Neither of my sons showed much interest in the college selection process. This was understandable for my older son because of his personality, but my younger son was more due to still-developing maturity. (For instance, my younger son "talked a good game" about wanting to attend a college/university outside Texas, but when Dad early in his senior year gave him some materials (such as Colleges that Change Lives and Harvard Schmarvard) and pointed him to websites (such as Colleges of Distinction) as a starting point and said "go for it", he never did. So Dad picked up the slack and helped him choose and visit private and public colleges/universities within a day's drive away. The past two years in his public university he has done great (both academically and in extracurriculars) and Dad is happy.</p>

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<p>How many threads have there been on this topic? :rolleyes:</p>

<p>Tony, I really do not understand your point, especially since you seem to have a rather skewed idea of what the Parents Forum does. If you look at the list of acceptances/decisions stickied in the Parents Forum, you'll notice that there are a good many colleges listed that get little to no attention on CC. What a terrible thing for parents to do- encourage their kids to look beyond US News and try to find a good college that fits! I have also seen very few cases where a parent "forces" their kid to go to a school, and CC parents are far from helicopter parents. From most of the good-natured grumbling I've heard, the moms consider it great if their college kid calls once a week. If you read Berurah's thread from last year, My</a> Dear Friends, OMG!!!!!!!!, you will see nothing but support, and her post (#62) is worth reading. Berurah's son posted (#50), and he was very grateful for the thoughtfulness of his mother and the entire Parents Forum. Likewise, andi's thread We're</a> picking up the pieces, but what went wrong? is worth a read. Andi's son was rejected everywhere last year, so he took a gap year. CC parents weighed in with great advice over the past year, and he was rewarded with a multitude of acceptances this spring, including MIT. So, no, I don't see a problem with the parents here. Their kids are bright, independent individuals with wonderful choices.</p>

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<p>
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Their kids are bright, independent individuals with wonderful choices.

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<p>Undoubtedly they're smart, but they don't know much. That's what parents are for.</p>

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Likewise, andi's thread We're picking up the pieces, but what went wrong? is worth a read. Andi's son was rejected everywhere last year, so he took a gap year. CC parents weighed in with great advice over the past year, and he was rewarded with a multitude of acceptances this spring, including MIT.

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Wow! So THIS is what the Andi stuff was all about. Oooooh! Ahhhhh! That is pretty amazing stuff. What is really nice about it is that there are probably lots of families now who are being encouraged by this saga. I sure am encouraged by it.</p>

<p>I know its late, but I have to say congrats to Andi and her boy. Whew! Great stuff.</p>

<p>As for the kid's parents who made sure "never" to get involved, I don't think this is anything to brag about. My wife and I aren't sea turtles, hatching eggs and then abandoning them. We love our kids and want to work together with them as a team. As long as everybody knows the appropriate role to play in the drama, it seems the best way to us.</p>

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<p>Tonyt88, I'm a student too and my question to you is: who is paying for your college education? (And if you do work study to contribute, that doesn't count. :)) My parents paid my holding deposit and kissed me goodbye. And you know what? I BEG for their advice, their input, their opinions. Becuase just becuase I have to be a big girl and do it myself doesn't mean I think I CAN. Frankly, my parents have been at this game of life for about 28 years longer than I have, and unless a) you really truly think of yourself so highly, or b) you've got bad parents (which happens of course) then really...I think you have a few things to learn about what real independence means.</p>

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<p>Whenever I read about one of these forceful parents, it is usually a post by a kid about his forceful parent who is not a CC habitue. Except for those cases where financial constraints require that a certain college acceptance be let go, CC parents are involved but do not force their kids. </p>

<p>I do admit to "hovering" at times (think Vaughan Williams, The Lark Ascending), ...but not always.</p>

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<p>"As for the kid's parents who made sure "never" to get involved, I don't think this is anything to brag about. My wife and I aren't sea turtles, hatching eggs and then abandoning them. We love our kids and want to work together with them as a team. As long as everybody knows the appropriate role to play in the drama, it seems the best way to us"</p>

<p>Drosselmeier, I agree with this sentiment. Very true.</p>

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<p>Okay, ummm, the purpose of my thread was to call out those parents whom I find are always doing everything for their kids. If they don't ever find independence for themselves, do you think they'll just teach themselves. Also, with the long list of posts on college acceptances, it doesn't have to be a US News college to be able to brag about, but at the same time, I believe so true that it's these small liberal arts colleges that get brushed aside and don't get recognized for their strong academics, such as: Williams, Davidson, Pomona, Harvey Mudd, etc. In terms of being judgemental, I'm not going to lie, I have a skewed perception on life, and I just feel that a parents way of going about it should be to drop them on their feet when they're younger rather than older. Though the effects might be devastating, I think it better for children to get a good shock when they're twelve as opposed to when they're twenty-two, that's all. Not to say that a parent shouldn't keep a constant interest in their child's successes and failures, but just how much is really what I am concerned with. And to those of you upset with things I have said now and prior, I sincerely do apologize, but I hope you realize where I coming from in an attempt to understand where you (parents/guardians) are coming from. That's all. So, I sincerely extend the deepest congratulations to all your children's college acceptances and hope that they will enjoy their experience as much as I hope to enjoy mine.</p>

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<p>A great thread, with good points all around. </p>

<p>With our son, we try to offer sound guidance, based upon our personal experiences with college, and the information we gain from a variety of sources, including this board. To provide the guidance that is part of our job as parents, we need to do our homework, too.</p>

<p>We rely on our son to tell us what is important to him, where geographically he wants to look, what size college he would feel most comfortable with, etc. Fortunately, his grades and other stats are good enough that there are losts of choices available to him. As we started saving and investing for his college/grad school before he was born, we are able to tell him that cost should not be a factor in his decisions.</p>

<p>He has come up with a list of colleges, and we have worked with him to refine it, based both upon what we know about the colleges/environment and what we know of him and his personality. Do we guide him? Absolutely! That's what parents are for. We don't dictate to him, but we point out pluses and minuses. Personally, I would love to see him go to Stanford, which is my alma mater. However, he does not really want to go to California for college. Also, music is important to him, and the more traditional bands in the midwest and other regions are more to his liking. (Although I have fond memories of the Stanford Band!!) I am fine with that decision. He has some great schools on his list, and we have visited some of them already. </p>

<p>As with most parents, our primary goal is for our son to be happy. I also dislike parents who attempt to live vicariously through their kids, whether it be Little League, ballet, or college selection. On the other hand, you really can't understand the pride, fear, joy and sorrow involved in parenting until you become a parent. This is an anonymous way for us to show our pride in our child's accomplishments without embarrasing our kids. So, cut us a little slack on that end . . .</p>

<p>Regardless of how you come down on this issue, there is absolutely nothing wrong with bringing up the issue and expressing your point of view. I grow weary of folks who cannot express differences of opinion without attacking those who disagree. Make your points, but acknowledge the right to differ. I think that is one of the things you should learn before college.</p>

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<p>For some of us, the process of selecting a college by our kids is the last time we will be significantly involved with their lives (in a hands-on way). I know that now that my son is in his first year in college, my involvement consists of sending money, responding to email and phone calls with encouragement or admonitions and picking him up from the airport occasionally. I'm glad I was involved last year because it was interesting and fun and I think I was a pretty big help to him. Now he's living his own life and couldn't be happier about it. Most of us know when to back off.</p>

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<p>Tony88, I think that most of the parents at CC hover in the manner of making sure their child has asked all the right questions rather than supplying the answers themselves:
What size school do you want?
East Coast or West Coast or Midwest?
Why don't we visit some local colleges of various sizes and locations so that you can get a feel for what you like?</p>

<p>AS for the applications being filled out, I don't think any of the parents here wrote their child's essays,or even helped. It was more a matter of getting out of being forced to reproofread the essays three versions after you already told your child that you thought the essay was fine. "And please finish. The post office closes in 30 minutes."</p>

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<p>Tony--if you don't mind my saying so, I had parents a lot like you describe. I made my own decisions, earned my own money, filled out my own financial aid forms, and got into our flagship state u. all by myself. I was well prepared for college--I knew I needed to get myself up in the morning, get myself to class, do my homework, etc. </p>

<p>I felt very superior freshman year to the girls in the dorms who were partying late, sleeping through class and then who flunked out first quarter. </p>

<p>I didn't realize just how much I missed in terms of parental support until my kids were teens. I made some really stupid decisions too, along with the good ones, and had I had more guidance in high school I would have done even better than I managed on my own. </p>

<p>I try to strike a balance with my own kids between letting them experience consequences, but being there to provide support and guidance. That's what parents are for. </p>

<p>I will certainly fill out their FAFSAs for them; but I've also involved them in college financing discussions, and they are both aware of how much we have saved for them, where its invested, and about what they can expect in terms of resources when they go to college. I'll proofread their essays too--who wouldn't?</p>

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<p>Momof2Angels pretty much said it for me. I am the product of parents all too willing to let me learn independence, leading me to experience some dangerous situations and feelings of abandonment, coupled with an attitude that I couldn't ask for help or admit failure or I would be letting my parents down. Before you say see, I made it, let me say it was a "Grace of God" situation, and my siblings all had much harder rows to hoe than I did. I vowed to be more involved with my own kids. </p>

<p>I think this is how most of us achieve our parenting decisions -- We thoughtfully evaluate what we think our parents did "right" and "wrong", and determine how to proceed from here. I expect my own kids to do the same, copying some things, changing others. </p>

<p>The proof is in the pudding: my puddings are well on their way to independence - one is there already, and apparently doing fine. Because of me, or in spite of me, who can tell?</p>

<p>I also know families where kids have been extremely independent and successful from the get-go. Quite possibly this may indicate that perhaps there's more than one way???? Or more than one kind of parent or child?</p>

<p>I hope that Tony will be able to use this forum as a beginning of his own questioning process. Successful independence means being able to carefully look at all options and make reasonable and appropriate decisions. The kids who don't handle independence well are often the kids that think they already have all the answers and don't need any help from anybody. The older I get, the more I realize that other people sometimes have good ideas! If I didn't have such an independent streak, I could have benefited from this concept much sooner.</p>