<p>Personally, and I know many of the parents on these boards won't appreciate what I'm about to say, but don't many of you feel that: a) where your children got in should only be released based on their discretion since they're the ones that had to put most of the work (though I know many of you will complain about the input you put into developing your children to becoming a success in the future), b) that many of your give off a perception of a being suffocating parents who don't allow their children to be independent. Aren't any of you concerned about how dependent your child will be upon you in college to the point that they will be unable to break away. Personally, my parents made sure never to get involved, letting me to fall where I must, to make mistakes that I would learn from and grow from (on my own). All in all, I feel that many of the parents on these boards are merely using the boards to plaster their children's names in the Internet Hall of Fame. Let me just tell you, who cares? I mean, I congratulate your children on getting into some of these prestigious schools, but I'm sure other parents will only be giving you false praise. All in all, the purpose of this post is really to comment on the Parents Forum as a whole. I just find it rather ridiculous (for lack of other words). Your children should decide where they want to go, unless money turns out to be an issue (but even then, most parents, except extreme money issues [but then you would have good fin aid] should really put their children where they feel most comfortable). Which leads me to complain, because you try to build up your kids into something they may not become, and when they fall, the drop to the ground is going to be absolutely devastating for them.</p>
<p>Yours is an interesting post.</p>
<p>There is certainly some truth in what you write, but parent-child relationships aren't one-size-fits-all. In some families parents give their children great latitude to be very independent from an early age, and as you put it...to learn and grow from their mistakes. In these cases, depending on the child, such an approach can be also be disastrous...when the child has not yet developed the independence or maturity or interest in functioning autonomously. Just like there are many curves on the growth chart, there are many curves on the push to maturity and independence "chart".</p>
<p>IMHO, being a good parent is keeping informed and running in parallel, or in some instances interference for our children. Active involvement (with well-defined boundaries) can be a very good, not a smothering, thing.</p>
<p>I for one have a disability student who has not at all been prepared to shoulder a lot of the burdens I take on. Just as you fear that building up a child unrealistically will ultimately cause (at least an emotional) crash-and-burn...not being involved enough (and providing a safety net of sorts) can have equally tragic consequences.</p>
<p>I guess what you might be seeing is a broad spectrum. Some hover parents (with or without cause), some hyper-achiever parents, some hyper-achievement kids, some clueless parents and kids, some middle-of-the-road types. But I believe that in nearly every instance what you're seeing is the pure, raw emotion of parenting. Caring so intensely that the parent experiences the heights of anxiety, sorrow, elation, etc. And on this board, you probably see unfiltered emotion...perhaps because this board is relatively safe and anonymous...parents put it all out there because there are so many who can really connect with what they're feeling.</p>
<p>Hopefully, within the context of the family, a balance is achieved...a balance appropriate to that family's own needs and style.</p>
<p>What you may be feeling is a mis-match of certain parental styles (raw) with your own perceived needs.</p>
<p>I personally appreciate your post because it reminds everyone to enter the process with mutual respect and understanding...for if either party loses, the entire family suffers.</p>
<p>
[quote]
most parents, except extreme money issues...should really put their children where they feel most comfortable
[/quote]
I find your point of view rather ironic: you think parents should stay uninvolved but finance whatever their kids want? </p>
<p>If you were my kid you would get part (a) and not part (b) -- I'd be happy to let you figure out how to finance your own college education. </p>
<p>I have a high degree of involvement in anything that involves a big expenditure of my money. </p>
<p>And that's a good thing for my kids: this board is full of complaints by kids who find themselves without good choices in the end because their parents did not realize or appreciate the costs that would be associated with college, or did not file papers needed for financial aid on time. These are kids who feel like all of their effort has gone down the drain, because in the end the money is not there for them.</p>
<p>Tony, you're not the first and you won't be the last to observe what you wrote about. I agree with most of what you wrote and am glad that my parents allowed me almost complete independence in the process of applying to college.</p>
<p>
[quote]
All in all, I feel that many of the parents on these boards are merely using the boards to plaster their children's names in the Internet Hall of Fame.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I've yet to see a single name of a child on this board. It's all anonymous.</p>
<p>cav: we only let you believe that we give you indepedence.</p>
<p>Tony---Your post made me laugh. This forum is anonymous and just a side fun hobby for me as a parent. My D has never even been on this site. She is an oblivious senior---smart, headed for UCLA. I think you are reading too much into the whole CC scene. But over the last year, I learned a lot from it, on her behalf.</p>
<p>lol @ itstoomuch :) . My parents let me apply wherever I wanted and were willing my to go wherever I wanted. But I, the overly pragmatic teenager, chose the cheapest (instate) option. From what I've read on this board, I think that my situation was a bit of a rarity!</p>
<p>I would like to think that "best value" would be a better term than "cheap." I see that your parents are also value oriented.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>Personally, my parents made sure never to get involved<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Wow, this made me sad...</p>
<p>I got to make too many of my own mistakes to learn from and it wasn't always fun.</p>
<p>I lost my parents at an early age and used to long to have parents to guide me, let alone parents who could get involved. I was even envious of friends who had "suffocating" parents because all in all, you could see the love that was behind it all. I know that many young people gasp for breathing room, but a little gratefulness for the privilege of having parents does wonders.</p>
<p>I have a friend who allowed a child to fill out his/her (just to keep it anonymous) own FAFSA. This young person did not realize that he/she filed the FAFSA for the wrong year, and now has no finaid at all! and cannot afford the college of choice --which would otherwise undoubtedly have provided aid. Who's fault is that, the student's or the parent's?</p>
<p>When it comes to money issues and the complexity of finaid --these are areas where a student has no experience but where the entire family may be called upon to make a huge sacrifice. You cannot ask someone to work from 8AM to 8PM every day to pay for something but insist they have no involvement and instead trust management of the expenditure to a completely inexperienced individual --while the worker just keeps working. </p>
<p>It is naive to suggest that a student should handle this alone while spending so much money the parent will have to work a lifetime to save it.</p>
<p>Well, Tony, I see your point, but I'm with the poster who said that when my money is being spent, I would like to be involved in the decision process. Does that mean that <em>I</em> chose the school my D is attending? No. Did I suggest schools that she might like to visit/apply to? Yes, absolutely. </p>
<p>The school that I thought would be the best fit for her she wound up not even applying to - after visiting, she decided that it was too far in the boonies for her taste. And you know what? That was fine by me; after all, she's the one going to college, not I. And regarding the school she will be attending next fall, her guidance counselor told her it was a long shot. I told her not to give up, that she had a very good chance, that admissions was a crapshoot in many respects.</p>
<p>In the end, she was grateful for my assistance and encouragement.</p>
<p>Actually, that one post about financial aid I find to be quite funny because personally, I filled out the FAFSA (all by myself) for twelve different schools. Of these, eleven were private institutions, and thus I had to fill out the CSS followed by sending the IDOC to four of my institutions as well as one supplement. I had to mail all tax returns, schedules, and W-2's to most of the colleges, and now I pretty much know everything for the financial aid process. So in the long run, I thank my parents, obviously, they weren't going to do it cause they didn't for my sisters, but the experience I got from it was so rewarding. And on top of that, I had gotten five exceptional financial packages, so I guess I should be happy with my work :). But nonetheless, I see how most parents wouldn't let their kids fill out their own financial aid for obvious risks.</p>
<p>Tony--I think that your post is very judgmental and harsh. Parents are people too, we are allowed to have our own feelings, thoughts and needs. I enjoy CC very much--it's a great resource and many of the parents here are extremely insightful. All names are anonymous and if some of us want to boast about where our children got into school, that's normal (as you will probably find out when you have children). I noticed that you have at least 10 posts listing the schools that you got into--you have done extremely well and are very proud of it and you want to let everyone know. I too am proud of my child and see no reason why I can't anonymously post about that fact.</p>
<p>I think that you are also confusing online discussions of issues with "suffocating". I believe that it is important for parents to be as knowledgeable as possible about the college process--after all, for some of us, college will require us to pay over $200,000 over a four-year period. However, that does not necessarily translate into forcing a child to apply anywhere, or micromanaging. Based on what I have read on these boards, most parents are trying to help their children navigate the college process in a rational fashion--giving guidance but not taking over. I think that that is part of my role as a parent and I'm glad I was able to do it.</p>
<p>My parents were very much like those of the OP. They believed kids need to learn to be independent by making their own mistakes and they never really pushed me. As a result, I never really excelled in school (even though I was more than capable), went to a mediocore college and ended up in a mediocore job.</p>
<p>When I had my own children, I vowed not to take the same path as my parents. I am a very involved parent (but not suffocating). I make sure my kids do all their homework and help them keep focused on what is important. They are both wonderful kids and are excelling in school.</p>
<p>I was quite involved in helping my son choose his college and he has seemed greatful for the help. That way he has been able to keep up with his studies, stay involved in his activities, work a part-time job and still survive the college process. He made all the major decisions and the final selection, but he was happy to have me do the research and help him narrow down the field. We have actually found it to be a bonding experience!</p>
<p>My daughter's final choice came down to an excellent small college and an excellent medium-sized university. Costs were similar, etc. We counselled her to accept the larger school because in her major classes would be MUCH harder to get at the small school. She acquiesed. What's her biggest complaint at the larger school? Class availability, even though there are far more sessions than at the small college. We didn't want to smother our D. But wisdom is hard to come by at any age, much less at age 17. Life experience CAN be valuable!</p>
<p>Well, in the parents' defense, this is the Parents Forum and kids probably have no idea how much discussion goes on about them among their parents, both here and in real life. I am actually the source for my son for info like who's taking who to the dance, who's going to which college, even which cheerleader is pregnant, because he's not a terribly inquisitive guy and his interaction with friends is more about sports and food. During my pregnancy with him, I read everything I could get my hands on (didn't have internet then) and I'm doing the same thing for his college search. He thinks he knows what he wants to do and where he wants to go and he can do whatever he likes within reason, but I want to know a lot about the process so I can help him out and because I like to know stuff. It doesn't mean I'm controlling. My son is happy for me to do this because he's busy. Just don't think that everything that parents discuss with each other is shared with their kids.</p>
<p>I disagree with parents who don't listen to their children's interests and passions and try to persuade them to be something they are not. I would not try to push a very liberal kid into a conservative campus, for example, in hopes of changing his views. I am opposed to parents who try to choose majors or life interests for their children.</p>
<p>OTOH, I cannot imagine leaving my children to take on this process all by themselves. It is a huge and daunting one, and I plan to stand by and assist as needed. Also, because we are footing the bill, we do have some say in the matter.</p>
<p>My guardian angel was definitely protecting me from myself re: the college selection process. I did not know CC existed until April 2006, and S graduates from HS in four weeks.</p>
<p>I cannot tell you how many hours I have whiled in the past month exploring the various threads. As a Type A, I probably would have driven S and H completely berserk, had I had access to all of your interesting insights and advice. </p>
<p>S is fortunate to attend a parochial prep school w/ a good college guidance dept. We followed their general guidelines, did a lot of research on our own, and it all worked out. S is headed to his first choice in the fall, and he left me a note last week, thanking me for helping him through college selection.</p>
<p>So, Tony, you have a point. There are parents like myself who would need little encouragement to go over the top. And, parents, you are right, too. I am gobbling up the threads on the Parents Forum and College Discussion -- I hope I can benefit from your experiences.</p>