<p>Dross, that's so poignant. Makes me want to cry too, as I did many times those first weeks. </p>
<p>Am so glad crying time is over, and we've settled into new patterns. And fall break is in 10 days!</p>
<p>Nominated you for a COWARD award Dross. Loved that.</p>
<p>Last I saw skier-son he was walking across the quad, getting smacked in the head by a rowing scull that made an abrute left-hand turn.The 10 grogeous girls carrying the scull were mortified. He was laughing. My husband turned to me and said "I think he'll be just fine". We then drove 3 hours to the airport and flew 3000 miles home. The hole in my heart is still 3000 miles wide.</p>
<p>Is he "just fine"?. I don't know for sure since the knockhead hasn't called home even once! He sends short emails every fews days. I send emails back that include "No phone calls - No cookies". Today I broke down and baked him cookies and bought him a phone with an answering machine. He is the only teenager on the planet who refuses to use a cell phone.</p>
<p>The good news: I seem to have succeeded in my goal to raise an independent child.</p>
<p>The bad news: I have an independent child (who will be just fine).</p>
<p>skiers-mom</p>
<p>Sounds like your S is adjusting fine and has embarked on his life as a young man. My S has done the same. The void in me is still there but I am dealing with it.</p>
<p>I was talking to another 2007 "empty-nester" yesterday immediately after she got off the cell phone with S. She announced that was the longest call she had ever had from S and it was about his foot injury, needing a doctor's appointment, etc.</p>
<p>She said that she had raised him to be independent and that he was. I commented that I was going through the same thing and that I had realized that I did not want my S to need me, but that I sure needed him to want me.</p>
<p>I try to remember that I want (and wanted) what was best for him: independence, and that I have to deal with the fact of my need for him to still want my assistance so as to not reduce that independence.</p>
<p>Based on CC discussions, we set it up with our son that we'd love a call anytime but we expected to talk with him once a week. We call on Sunday afternoons and if he's not in, he returns the call. He's not chatty on the phone, but as noted above, "the smile in his voice" keeps me going. He'll be home soon for Fall break--can't wait!</p>
<p>Skiers' mom,</p>
<p>Welcome to the club for the parents of children who don't call home/don't seem to need us except for specific items. We need an official name for our group.</p>
<p>I am so moved reading posts from Dross and others; such open sentimentality from their children.</p>
<p>It has been several years since I dropped my S off. We marveled at his temporary room, which had one bed on floor, and a couch, bed, dresser, all floating from the ceiling--an engineering miracle! We stopped by various offices to sign forms. His eyes were shining as he moved onto activities. I was in the way. I went to the campus store, joining with other parents buying mugs and t-shirts, discussing the journey that brought our children to this place. Such a bittersweet day.</p>
<p>Senior year just began. My minimalist S is living with his roommate from freshman year. Over time, they now have a comfortable room with couch, a/c, frig, nice desk chairs. He's home.</p>
<p>There certainly are a lot of Cornell parents here. (Does any other college have a fall break this weekend?)</p>
<p>My daughter is coming home (assuming that she can run from her PE class to the bus in time), even though it's a seven-hour bus ride. But there will be no open sentimentality -- it's not her style. She says she's coming home to shop for winter clothes and to visit with friends who are attending our nearby state university. </p>
<p>But I will be very interested in the casual conversations that will take place during her three days here; it will give me a better idea of just how well or how badly things are going for her -- something I haven't been sure of all these weeks, despite near-daily e-mails. It's hard to pick up moods from e-mails.</p>
<p>My daughter called home last night and said "I love it here." My husband was so happy to hear those words, I thought he would burst. D's getting along with her roommate, who's a wondrous combination of studious and social (turning their room into the floor's hangout, which is great because my daughter is on the shy side), and is doing fine in her classes. The one thing that bothers me is that D says she doesn't have a lot of work, except in Japanese. D went to a killer high school that is renowned for its workload. Can college actually be less intense? (D's at Pitt.) Or is D overlooking something? Either way, I'm proud of myself for staying out of it unless D asks my advice. </p>
<p>An interesting thing my daughter said last night was that although she feels she's at the right school for her, she suspects that she could have adapted to any number of schools. So that made me feel good. Even as I helped her search last year for a good fit, as so many parents here on CC are dedicated to doing, I was glad to hear that there's some wiggle room. It's not as if there's one perfect school, and all the rest will be duds. If I had known that last year, I would have been much less uptight!</p>
<p>Anyway, D has grown tremendously more independent in just these past five weeks and has made a good adjustment. But we're counting the days till Thanksgiving!</p>
<p>My daughter likes Caltech and seems quite impressed with all free food around. This is what she sent us,</p>
<p>From: IHC Chairman <a href="mailto:ihc@donut.ugcs.caltech.edu">ihc@donut.ugcs.caltech.edu</a>
Date: Oct 2, 2007 11:52 AM
Subject: BBQ for rotating students!
To: <a href="mailto:ug-rotating@donut.ugcs.caltech.edu">ug-rotating@donut.ugcs.caltech.edu</a></p>
<p>Tom Mannion and Tim Chang will be hosting a dinner for all Frosh At Tom's
House….This Saturday (10/6) at 5:45pm. In case you forgot…Tom's address is
400 S. Hill.</p>
<p>The dinner will be your chance to mark the end of rotation with your
classmates, and to enjoy one really good meal !!!</p>
<p>The menu includes: Gourmet cheese with LaBrea Bakery "designer" breads;
Southwestern and Mediterranean appetizer stations; grilled fish and steak;
Alaskan king crab legs and Gulf shrimp; Roasted turkey breast, Vegan and
vegetarian entrees, macaroni and cheese, cake, ice cream, etc….you get the
idea.</p>
<p>The meal and setting will be very casual, relaxation is the goal.</p>
<p>No RSVP required, but if you cannot make it, you might want to e-mail Tom so
that he can order less food.</p>
<p>LurkNessMonster said:</p>
<p>
[quote]
The one thing that bothers me is that D says she doesn't have a lot of work, except in Japanese. D went to a killer high school that is renowned for its workload. Can college actually be less intense? (D's at Pitt.) Or is D overlooking something?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Without question there are secondary schools, albeit usually private ones, where the competition level, measured by Junior year PSAT scores (i.e., National Merit Semifinalists and Commended), exceeds many, if not most of the "very selective" colleges and universities. On another thread about National Merit there were posts of schools that had over 30% of a class as Finalists and some had over 60% of the students as Finalists or Commended.</p>
<p>I believe whether it is actually easier in college for a particular student from a highly competitive and intense secondary school turns in large degree on the maturity and adjustment experience of that student. I have heard more horror stories relating to college freshmen emotional meltdowns and "going wild" than "its too hard" from parents of graduates from my S's private HS.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Either way, I'm proud of myself for staying out of it unless D asks my advice.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Pat yourself on the back! You have given your D great gifts-- a superior HS education, a true sense of independence and parental retraint reflecting your "new" role of being there for counsel IF and WHEN D asks.</p>
<p>I think that college CAN be less intense than a competitive high school sometimes, particularly in the first two years of the program.</p>
<p>This was my son's experience at a flagship state university. The work was not particularly difficult in the beginning, but there was a big jump in academic rigor when he reached the upperclass (300 level) courses. I think this was deliberate. Within a state university system, it has to be possible for kids to transfer from community colleges or local colleges within the system to the flagship within the first two years; the courses at the different colleges need to be similar in intensity to make this possible. But in the last two years, there's no limit on rigor.</p>
<p>On the other hand, my daughter, who is a freshman at a selective private university, is finding that college work is serious, even from the very beginning.</p>
<p>LNM,
I agree, that within a range, most of our kids can adapt to various colleges. Because my S applied at the very last minute in jr y of HS, it was a shot in the wind. i don't think he expressed a favorite.</p>
<p>Inverse,
Your D will find free food at all the clubs, during finals time, and every weekend. She can request $25 to take a prof to lunch (tho my S has never done this). The campus is nocturnal, so breakfast not served. Lunches very good, dinners are fair. The students fought to keep meal plan from including weekends, as they would rather eat out/in. PM me with what House your D will be in.</p>
<p>It's good to read the variety of responses. As usual, I'm somewhere in the middle of these experiences. DS SEEMS to be doing okay, but he doesn't offer a lot of detail in the short emails & phone calls we get. </p>
<p>Unlike in HS, he doesn't get constant feedback about how he's doing academically, although he reports that it's not as challenging as he had anticipated (i.e., he's relatively easily keeping up with assignments, etc.) With midterm tests, I guess he'll find out just how accurate his impression is. </p>
<p>Socially is another matter entirely. Like another poster, he has a long-distance GF. This relationship keeps him from joining in the social scene at Rice, which seems a shame. He's already spent three of his weekends on her campus, rather than staying & geting involved with the Rice community. When I try to encourage him to stay there, though, he replies that most of the kids at Rice just "party" on the weekends, with a lot of alcohol-related activities & he's not into that. I know that's not entirely accurate, but I've come to realize that the relationship with his GF is what he is choosing to put his non-academic energy into and that's HIS business, not mine. </p>
<p>I have teared up & cried a number of times since dropping him off. As my only, he has been the center of my life for so long that it just feels empty at times. Stressful work keeps me from dwelling on it, but I don't think I have fully come to grips with how much of a hole his absence has left. How I miss that gentle, sweet voice of his and those intelligent, thoughtful conversations! Maybe it's not as hard as I was afraid it might be, but it sure isn't easy...</p>
<p>
[quote]
Couch-loving son has turned into social butterfly. Who'd a thunk?
[/quote]
Okay...more details. My DS has always paced himself in a relaxed fashion in high school. Now it's "Mom, you can't BELIEVE how busy I am!" He is taking 16 hours, but the honors Organic Chem :eek: has a lab, and the physics has a lab, so he says it feels like 21 hours. He's working 8-10 hours a week at his work/study job, lifting weights or running about 3x a week, practicing with his club sport about 3x a week (and at a tournament with the team at another U this weekend). He said he has barely touched computer games, and only gets about 3 full nights of sleep a week, (which is why, maybe, he still has a cold that started about 3 weeks ago...), but he seems happy and energized, is enthusiastic about his friends, and is balancing a tough course load with lots of social activities. I can't wait to visit with him in a few weeks.</p>
<p>Lurk...I'm not a big fan of the CC obsession with 'fit'. I believe that every child has a 'type' which suits them, say large, urban or large rah-rah or small semi-rural. Hundreds of schools with great faculty and course offerings offer those types. Having discovered their type, most students will find success in any one of their types.</p>
<p>Beyond that, I prefer the 'bloom where planted' message. Take that message to heart and go on to live a bloomin' wonderful life in any corner of the globe. It's fun and creatively inspiring to see where the winds will blow you. </p>
<p>Fit? Look for exact fit and you will always be disappointed--in spouse, in job, in neighborhood.</p>
<p>cheers said: </p>
<p>
[quote]
Fit? Look for exact fit and you will always be disappointed--in spouse, in job, in neighborhood.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The original poster asked about "adjusting." I totally agree with cheers that being connected and engaged in where you are and what is available makes for a far better life than searching for some mythical fit. The concept of perfect fit in some ways seems to imply that a person's being is static. It is not, it is fluid and in flux. No matter how much some wish it weren't.</p>
<p>Unless there is something really seriously different between the college they thought they selected and their actual experience, the "discomfort" at any time is just part of their life experience.</p>
<p>Cheers--I can't agree more. Getting to go to college AT ALL is a privilege and any college is better than not getting to go to college at all. I often wonder if we do our kids a disservice by looking at so many schools and agonizing over big vs. small, public vs. private and the rest of it. They expect it to be some wonderful perfect experience and it's just life.</p>
<p>DD is one of the students that doesn't share a lot of information with us. We know she is doing fine academically; she is prepared and keeping up--college is harder, she reports, but not impossibly hard. Her grades are a mix of A's and B's where high school was all A's. She is eligible for an on-campus job but so far has not taken them up on the offer. Her biggest disappointment so far has been that college isn't this magical paradise of guys throwing themselves at her feet--meeting guys is just as awkward for her and just as challenging as in high school. This is all self-imposed-she had a lot of guys as friends last year when she quit worrying about finding a boyfriend and just started hanging out casually with some nice guys who were a year younger than she.</p>
<p>My son said he just had a computer science exam where there wasn't enough time to finish. That's a first for him. We'll see how he did, but he said that no one had enough time, so he wasn't too panicked!</p>
<p>S is home for the weekend. Enjoys his school more than he thought he would. Loves meeting kids from all over the world. His RA has organized some significant bonding adventures - like getting them all into the hottest clubs in town. Likes his classes very much but no bonding with the prof thing - not his style. Can't wait to take some higher level classes - the late night dorm discussions are turning him on. He said he's so glad he found a place where the students really love learning - and this is at a school with a pretty big party rep - one of Playboy's Top 10!</p>
<p>cheers -Your description of "type" is so much more relevant than the ambiguous "fit". Large urban is his way to go and I'm sure he'd be just as happy at a dozen other schools fitting that parameter.</p>