Freshman daughter still herself in college: weepy, stressed. Sigh.

Parents Forum
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<p>This is probably mostly a vent and too long, but any advice is appreciated. My daughter is doing just fine in college. Three As and a B first semester, just got invited to congratulatory dinner for being in top quarter of her class. She's a kid who always goes to class, and given an assignment due in three days, divides it into three parts and does a part every day. So far so good--we weren't really worried about academics. She has more real-life friends in college than high school, where she spent too much time online role-playing, imo. A great transition, becoming more independent, making friends who share her interests.</p>

<p>This semester, she is crying that she's scared, there's so much work, she doesn't understand. This is a kid who hates new things, and resents doing things she's not interested in. When she sold ads for HS journalism, I had to coach her crying before she went into each and every place. She cried when we visited most colleges. She worked at Kroger in HS and cried if she had to call and change her schedule. I got her therapy which seemed to help some....</p>

<p>I encouraged her to take it one day at a time, and that she could certainly do the work and that the other kids weren't more advanced than her. Sure enough, she now reports in relief that everybody else is lost in sociology too. (Only third week of classes.) But she had to give up a role-playing thing she's been doing for a year because of work, so she's sad.</p>

<p>I encouraged her to think about talking to a counselor at school to give her coping skills to deal with her fear/anxiety. She's stressed about choosing a major, if she can get a good job, etc etc. Every time the future comes up she chokes up.</p>

<p>I know as a parent I hear all the bad stuff, and shouldn't overreact. I know this is her personality. I know she is actually happier on a daily basis than these conversations would imply. I do think some talk therapy could help, and will pursue that. Now for the vent part--arghhh! I just want to tell her to suck it up, this is life. This is not my personality, and I get frustrated and annoyed by the crying, although I try to hide it. I think I was hoping that college=done with that stuff, and am bummed that it's not.</p>

<p>Thanks for listening. :-)</p>

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<p>Sounds like she has an anxiety problem. She may need/could use some medication to help her through this. ((((hugs)))))</p>

<p>My daughter has some anxiety too. I am worried how things will go in college.</p>

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<p>Been there done that.</p>

<p>You’ve suggested counseling- check. You’ve been loving and sympathetic- check. I think the only thing you haven’t tried is just to be less available. Not that you aren’t always there in an emergency or when she really needs you- but you aren’t the person to talk to at lunchtime (she should be hanging with friends) or after dinner, or just when she’s blue or frustrated.</p>

<p>When I was in college I called home once a week- Sunday afternoons- and a long line formed at the Hall payphone as we all dutifully checked in with Mom and Dad. I think that made for easier transitions for everyone-- we didn’t have the luxury of dumping on the 'rents every time we felt blue, and most of the time, things seemed to resolve by the time of the weekly call. But most of all-- it forced us to coalesce as a unit-- my Freshman hallmates could not have been more different, and very few friendships lasted beyond Sophomore year, but we were totally there for each other (most of us social mis-fits in one way or another) mainly because of the absence of other support systems.</p>

<p>My only other suggestion is a job that gets her off campus? I volunteered at a nursing home in town which was fabulously therapeutic; I tutored, taught in a religious school, in addition to on campus work. But having social connections with non-students really helped me.</p>

<p>But you might both benefit from being less available to each other for now. And if you are talking to her more than once a day, you will definitely feel better if you cut back. Did you talk to your mom daily when you were 18?</p>

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<p>Vent away. My daughter has some anxiety as well. Try and encourage the counseling as it will help. Remember that you only hear the bad. They don’t call throughout the day when things are going well.</p>

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<p>^^I tend to agree with blossom’s thoughts. College is stressful at times. I clearly remember calling my parents two times crying and asking for them to come get me and bring me home. It was so stressful at those moments, although I cannot remember at this point for the life of me what all was stressing. But again, those were the days where we called home once a week. Needless to say my parents politely said they would not come and get me and they would talk to me the next week, and of course the next week whatever was stressing was gone. It’s “safe” for kids to “dump” on the parents and if they can do that every day…then you, as the parent, gets stressed. Counseling might help if she is in general prone to anxiety. Less contact might help her to learn to manage her anxiety on her own. Set a time that is convenient for you and for her to talk once a week and try to make that the “new habit.”</p>

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<p>Sounds like an anxiety issue to me also. Oldest D started having similar fears in high school. She didn’t cry but worried constantly about what she would do next, didn’t handle change well etc. Finally got so bad she pretty much shut down. We tried everything and finally resorted to meds. The difference was amazing- she was like a new person ( after trying 2 meds- the 1st had side effects). She was on it steadily for a year or two. Went back on it when she went away to college as stress definitely triggers it. Now as a teacher she has learned coping techniques. If you didn’t know her you would think she is really low key. We still see the signs occasionally (also has mild OCD) but it is immensely better. </p>

<p>You might have her checked out to see if there are physiological issues.</p>

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<p>This sounds a lot like my youngest daughter. She has been having some physical symptoms so I took her to the pediatrician , went thru a battery of tests and bloodwork ( the bloodwork in itself caused a rather disturbing reaction which almost made her pass out in the car immediately following ) Next step is to take her for therapy as suggested by her pediatrician .
I am curious to hear from other parents what meds worked and what didn’t. I have no experience with this at all and would love to see my daughter function normally in everyday situations</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone for your sympathetic replies! I will work on being less available. We don’t talk too much–usually once a week or even every two weeks. There may be a few business texts in between “I bought the airplane ticket”, “did you get the papers I sent you” etc. I kinda cut her short on our last phone call because I felt she was going in circles and I wasn’t helping. I think I ticked her off a little. :wink: I had hoped that college would help her anxiety because I wouldn’t be there to enable, if I do that sometimes. I’m certainly much tougher on her brother–amazing how we have different relationships with different kids, isn’t it.</p>

<p>What meds have helped with the anxiety? Klonopin-like? or Antidepressants? I know AD’s can help with obsessive behaviors, not just depression. I’m not against them (have been on them myself in the past,) but I think she needs coping mechanisms as well for the long term…</p>

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<p>As someone who has diagnosed struggles with anxiety, and has many friends with them, too (usually in conjunction with other mental health issues), I will say that I disagree with the advice to become less available. When I’m having a really hard night, the absolute worst thing is to have one of my usually emotionally supportive people tell me to “get over it” or that they’re “sick of hearing about this,” or anything like that. That’s how my parents, the king and queen of, “Oh, you’re just sad/stressed/moody like everyone else, pull yourself together,” handle it, with the result that I never tell them how I feel or expect them to be around emotionally.</p>

<p>I am in no way saying that that’s what I think you’re doing with your daughter, but am simply offering my experience.</p>

<p>I think the best thing you can do, really, is to hear her out when she chooses to come to you, and once she’s calmed down and stopped crying, make an actual plan. That can be as short term as necessary, but the idea of having a set next step that has been decided on, whether that’s talking to a counselor (which I think sounds like the best next step here), going to yoga or meditation, making a list of things that she knows will calm her down for the next time she’s feeling really anxious (I have friends who know that if they feel really anxious, they have a certain TV show or song they can count on to help calm them down), etc, can really help in the long term.</p>

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<p>How much sleep is she getting? Lack of sleep, due to feeling that there is too much work to be done, can make a person emotionally fragile. I’d suggest more sleep before shifting to medication.</p>

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<p>teenage - I’m sure your parents love you very much, but now that you are an adult, perhaps find a counselor to talk to when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes it’s difficult for friends and family because they feel helpless to “help.”</p>

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<p>I do not agree with the advice for parents to be less available. She may have an anxiety disorder. A good psychologist/therapist will be able to recommend a doctor who prescribes medication if that is needed. The school’s student health services will either have counseling services or will be able to refer your daughter to local counselors.</p>

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<p>momofthreeboys: I am not begrudging my parents for not having the training that a counselor has. However, the OP’s daughter sounds like she has persistent issues with anxiety that have seriously affected her daily life, which is not the same as “college is stressful for everyone sometimes” or “everyone gets worried about tests.” That is why I disagree with the posters who have suggested that the OP, clearly one of her daughter’s main sources of emotional support, step away during a time of need.</p>

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<p>teenage I understand what you are saying, but if the mom is ‘taking on’ the daughters anxiety and it is impacting her in a negative way then it it also important for her to take care of herself. It is not selfish to step away alittle. No one is suggesting that she break off contact with her D just to help her D find a other channels…in addition to the mom. </p>

<p>I raised an emotional, somewhat dark first son and through high school and into the early start of college I would dread phone calls because I knew he was going to offload and I would walk around for days with anxiety, which would irritate my H who could clearly see what was going on. And H was right, my son would spew on the phone call and be onto the next thing totally oblivious to the anxiety he had produced in me. This son is now a college graduate, on his own and I so look forward to the phone calls as our relationship dynamic has totally changed but I’m acutely aware of what some of this dependent relationship behavior can cause.</p>

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<p>I have a son who flunked a college course because it required him to interview people in government and his social anxiety made it impossible for him to even pick up the phone to arrange a meeting. Medication has changed his life. If your daughter cried when she visited colleges, that suggests a serious anxiety problem. Please take your daughter to a psychiatrist who specializes in psychopharmacology. There’s no reason for her to suffer like this, and the problem isn’t going to be solved by your being more or less available on the phone.</p>

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<p>I believe your D is showing symptoms of an anxiety disorder. There are actually several types: generalized, OCD, panic, PTSD, and social. Sounds like she expresses her anxiety by crying. If she’s not currently seeing a therapist, then I think it’s time for her to find one. She’s obviously suffering. In cases like this, she can learn coping mechanisms. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been found to be very effective in treating anxiety. But she may also need to take an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication.</p>

<p>Hugs to you and your D!</p>

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<p>DS has found GABA beneficial in relieving some anxiety symptoms.</p>

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<p>Not everyone is psychologically/emotionally equipped to serve in the emotional counseling role…especially for long stretches of time. Not even parents although I will grant that it’s one thing they signed up for to a certain extent when they do become parents.</p>

<p>Moreover, everyone has a limit so it’s doubly important for the OP’s D to find a trained therapist and supportive friends as emotionally venting to one person for extended periods of time…especially one who’s not trained as a therapist is asking a lot of one person…even a parent when one is 18+. </p>

<p>Granted, I’m coming at this as someone who was subjected to emotional venting for 4-5 straight hours a couple of years back from an older college friend with serious anxiety and other issues partly brought about due to events out of his control. Even so, I was probably the worst person to be the one vented to as he failed to take my hint that I needed a break from the venting when I left the house to get some fresh air and when he continued venting at me, I angrily snapped and told him to shut up. At the moment I angrily said those words, I regretted it. </p>

<p>Fortunately, he later understood and even admitted that he went too far in that case. However, that incident underscored why I don’t consider myself the best person to ask to be in an emotionally counseling role with friends or others facing serious emotional crises/issues. </p>

<p>If possible, I try to connect them up to a friend who is a natural at it and has helped dozens of people. I’ve even suggested that if he’s looking into a second career, he’d be great as a therapist. </p>

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<p>Agreed. Someone who’s taking on the emotional supportive role to that extent needs to understand his/her own limits not only for his/her own emotional health, but also so that you don’t end up with incidents like my yelling at my college friend because I snapped after exceeding my own emotional/psychological limits.</p>

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<p>Paxil worked for my D. Don’t remember what she tried first but whatever it was turned her into a zombie- no emotion or facial expressions. Also caused some facial tics.</p>

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<p>You guys are awesome. So many great perspectives. Let’s see…</p>

<p>She doesn’t drink/party, but she does stay up late on weekends online. I think she probably gets a decent amount of sleep for a college freshman. She’s good about going to bed at a reasonable hour when she has class the next day. She has started napping, but what college kid doesn’t? (right?)</p>

<p>I see both sides about stepping away or not. It’s really that she needs to learn to self-soothe…not throwing her in the deep end, but gently encouraging her to problem solve. I think I’m going to push pretty hard for her to go to the counseling center. I’m just not sure I help when I talk to her, or help enough. You know how you get in old patterns of reaction with people you’ve been in a relationship for awhile.</p>

<p>I’ve seen her whimper and cry, then 30 seconds later as the stressful interview or whatever begins, put a smile on and be cheerful and animated. She’s really good at it–she doesn’t seem nervous to me, and I saw her tearful just a few minutes ago! So I always thought I was enabling her to some extent. Or that was just the way she prepared for a stressful event.</p>

<p>Ack. It’s so hard to know what to do!</p>