How bad is this essay?

College Essays
1

<p>Good evening.</p>

<p>I just began reading my essay after submitting it to my colleges. At the time I finished proofreading and making grammar corrections (I am an international student) I was confident and very optimistic.</p>

<p>However, now I find my essay very bad. It's not about structure or grammar; it's the topic itself. I find it very corny and cheesy and banal. How bad will this affect me? I mean, I can't talk to colleges and say I want to change my essay!</p>

<p>Can you rate it and say if my essay is really mediocre?
Thanks.</p>

<p>Here it is:</p>

<p>"From all the things I have experienced, I am very certain that bullying has been the most impacting of all. Bullying taught me a very important lesson that has been fundamental in my development as a person: “Never judge a book by its cover”.</p>

<p>I was bullied in an all-male catholic high school. Apparently I was not good looking, and because of this many kids loved to tease and mock me. First, bullies saw my ears as too big. They began calling me names like “Mickey Mouse” or “Satellite Ears”; the most common one was “Dumbo”. Every time bullies felt the need to bother me, they yelled out: “Here comes Dumbo!” They would then grab me by the ears and drive me around the playground, saying: “Come on, fly!” I remember that everyone stared at me, laughing.
Later on, new bullies came and they now said that I was disgustingly ugly. They brought a new set of nicknames for me, including “Shrek”, “Troll”, and their favorite, “Hagrid”. Every time they found me, they screamed at me “Hey, what’s up Hagrid”; the tritest question they asked me was: “Does it hurt to be ugly?” I did not answer. I just stayed quiet, desperate to hear the bell ring.
I was so scared that during many of the breaks and lunch times I hid in the chapel and ate there, praying to God for the bullying to stop. Sadly, I did not notify professors because I was afraid to be considered a cowardly loser by other kids, but I’m aware that I should have said something.</p>

<p>Surprisingly, I never felt any negative feelings; I was only scared, and I am thankful for that. If I had felt hatred and anger, I might have done something stupid, like physically attack them, and in the end it would have made things worse.
The bullying taught me that superficial differences between people are pointless and that I should not pay attention to them. That is why I began to dislike any critical flaw and tried to never criticize anyone, because in the end we are not perfect; every person has his or her own flaws, and that is what makes us so interesting. I also tried my best to support other kids who were also being bullied. There were times I spoke to them and told them to ignore the bullies and to immediately notify a professor, regardless of what other kids might think of them.
Lastly, because of bullying I had no friends, but I have been fighting to change that. I started to go to a youth group at my church and I shared my bullying experience with the members of it, and I felt good since I had not talked about it with anyone before. Now I’m starting to forge friendships with them, and they are helping me get past the bullying experiences. </p>

<p>Since those days, I have changed my perspective toward many things. Before bullying, I used to point the flaws of things I did not like and then judge them. After bullying, I learned that I am not one to judge someone, and that despite the many apparent flaws someone might have, there is always a good thing that will outweigh them, making them trivial. Thanks to bullying I now try to see the positive side of everything and show people that stereotypes and superficial aspects are no standard in defining a person."</p>

2

<p>“It’s not about structure or grammar; it’s the topic itself. I find it very corny and cheesy and banal.”</p>

<p>I couldn’t agree more. Well, it can’t be considered very bad, since it shows a degree of introspection and apparent honesty(unlike many college essays) but yeah, the topic…</p>

<p>Does having been bullied define you? If no, then you haven’t truly explored yourself, so you haven’t succeded. If yes, let’s say you hadn’t ever been bullied. What would you have written about then? It somewhat sounds like you need to thank the bullies for offering you a college essay topic(see, you even said in the end “thanks to bullying”).</p>

<p>As you might have already understood, the premise itself is very weak. If you think bullying has been the most impacting thing you experienced, you have a sadly limited perspective. I am sorry.</p>

<p>"How bad will this affect me? "</p>

<p>It depends on where you’re applying. Sorry for being extremely blunt, but I think you stand absolutely no chance at HYPSM and other top schools with such an essay. However, there are some great schools(especially state schools, if my information is correct) which don’t care that much about essays.</p>

3

<p>Well yeah it kind of has. I wasn’t bullied only in high school.</p>

<p>I was bullied through all my school life, from 1st grade to 11th grade. </p>

<p>I just wanted to see how bad was this essay, that’s all, and your opinion is that it sucks.
Thanks!</p>

<p>But it’s also good to know that colleges don’t focus entirely on the essay. SAT, GPA, etc also matters so I think I’m not completely screwed.</p>

4

<p>I generally agree with Disari’s post. However, I think the no chance at HYPSM is a little extreme.</p>

<p>If it makes you feel any better you should know that this topic is not uncommon in college essays.</p>

5

<p>I don’t think the topic itself is bad but the way you wrote it is poor. 1st you make wayy too many generalizations about people. 2nd you spend too much time describing how you got bullied. Your story needs to focus on what you did to overcome the bullying.</p>

<p>“I started to go to a youth group at my church and I shared my bullying experience with the members of it, and I felt good since I had not talked about it with anyone before.”</p>

<p>The bulk of the story needs to focus on this, sharing your story with others, overcoming trama, HELPING OTHER PEOPLE, etc.</p>

<p>If you made those kinds of changes I think i would be a very powerful essay.</p>

6

<p>^^I agree that the topic is ok. Any topic can work if the essay is well-written, truly shows the writer’s voice,/is a powerful statement of who he/she is, shows the writer to be likable and/or have good character, etc. </p>

<p>After reading several of these essays that focus too much on the bullying itself I get tempted to discount the topic. But again, it can work if handled properly.</p>

7

<p>I also agree with Bomer. I should have written less of how I was bullied and focused of what I did next.</p>

<p>But I already submitted my application to colleges, but most of them have deadline on 01/15.
Can I email them my edited essay? or will it look bad?</p>

8

<p>Few had 01/15 deadlines*</p>

<p>Most of the deadlines passed if what I meant</p>

9

<p>I don’t know if you CAN change your essay but, if it’s possible, you really should. This topic COULD work but it’s poorly written as far as grammar, structure, and diction. You spend way too much time talking about what happened. The “what” should be secondary to how it shaped you. As for the person who critiqued you on using bullying as a subject (“As you might have already understood, the premise itself is very weak. If you think bullying has been the most impacting thing you experienced, you have a sadly limited perspective. I am sorry.”), I disagree. I think this could be a good topic to demonstrate growth and maybe talk about how it impacted where you want to go in life because of this experience. Bullying can be a very impacting thing. I just don’t think you went far enough with this to demonstrate enough introspection and aspiration for the future. I do agree that this essay won’t get you into top schools because it just isn’t strong. It could get there but this feels like a first draft. I would talk to schools and see if there is a chance to resubmit your app.</p>

10

<p>All right! Thanks for the positive feedback. </p>

<p>Let’s just hope colleges can let me change my essay!</p>

<p>I will work to improve this essay and I’ll try to post it tomorrow night so you tell me your opinions again</p>

11

<p>Needs better grammer and structure.</p>

12

<p>Yes, it needs better grammar. ;)</p>