My Common Application 500 word essay

College Essays
1

<p>Hello! I understand that my essay writing abilities are mediocre at best, and that my story of choice is controversial, but could I receive some insight on whether or not my essay in its current form is good at all?</p>

<p>If anyone could point out any blatant grammar mistakes or organization problems, please do! Thanks!</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>I claw my way onto the bus for the one-hundredth time. The oh-so-familiar name greets me like a slap in the face. “Hey it’s the gay dinosaur!”, the kids at the back of the bus would proclaim in unison. Yet again they had made something out of nothing. I know they have been looking forward to this all morning, and the best I can do is put on a fake smile as if their taunts do not bother me. In the past I had asked them to stop, but the only noticeable effect was to increase their enthusiasm. I take my seat and endure yet another miserable start to the day.</p>

<p>I’d been a target for this sort of thing for the most of my life. The school’s “anti-bullying” programs led me to believe that ignoring bullies and informing a teacher was the proper way to stop the torment, but that strategy never worked. When I did tell, the bullies were scolded and the harassment intensified. I never got used to the bullying; it always hurt. </p>

<p>The teasing continued for many miserable months, even though I “used my words” and asked them to stop. They did not; I had to do something different. That’s when I made the decision to fight back. I knew that most of my problems were due to respect, and in their language, respect meant physical conflict.</p>

<p>I boarded the bus that afternoon, and immediately locked eyes with the ringleader of the harassers. We walked towards each other down the aisle when he said those words for the last time: “Hey! It’s the gay dinosaur!” That got a laugh from his friends, but I knew that this was my time. I threw my backpack into the seat and threw a fist at his face. I had never been a violent person and had no idea what to expect. The punch connected, but the bully reacted quickly; He was no rookie to fighting. We fought back and forth for what was probably 30 seconds before the bus driver was able to break us up. As I was pulled off of him, our mutual gaze was not broken. His face was laced with shock, but respect gradually began to replace it. </p>

<p>That night he apologized for everything through Facebook, and word quickly spread that “(insertmynamehere) actually got in a fight!” We were suspended for three days during the week of my AP Statistics exam. I met with my incredible principal who agreed that I should return for my exam since the fight was out of character for me.(I managed a 4!)</p>

<p>Initially, I was proud of myself for standing up to a bully and surviving my first physical altercation. Ultimately, the fight represented more than that. I am not violent, but I had to rely on myself and I did not let myself down. It is really about facing a situation and handling it: not winning or losing, but handling, and I know now that I can.</p>

2

<p>It is an effective essay on a very difficult topic. I feel your pain as I read that essay. With that said, you need to know that you run the risk of instant rejection from some of the top colleges. The issue is not so much of your fight, the issue is that you threw the first punch. You started the violence which is something most educators, living in that fantasy world where all issues are resolved with words and negotiations, will never condone. Normally, you may win some hearts as some of old farts like me sincerely believes in “peace” through strength. Yet, forgive me for being blunt and politically incorrect: these conservatives that believe in peace through strength probably will not stand up for gay rights. Moreover, the liberals who believe in gay rights probably will not condone your usage of the fist.<br>
And thus your dilemma. Submitting this essay is like throwing out that punch. It will get you into lots of trouble. But it may win some hearts. Some school will reject you instantly, but some may quietly put out a cheer. It is your decision.</p>

<p>On the technical side, please keep your story in the past tense and watch those run-ons.</p>

3

<p>Hey, I really appreciate your advice and feedback.</p>

<p>My train of thought is that if a college has admission reviewers who would reject me upon seeing that, I do not want to be a part of that college.</p>

<p>I understand that everyone is different and that I am taking a risk, but my deadlines are fast approaching. </p>

<p>As for technical problems, I wanted to begin my story describing an everyday scenario in the present tense and then move on to the past. Is there an issue with that other than in the first paragraph?</p>

<p>I have reviewed this essay so many times that I have numbed myself to problems such as run-on sentences. Would you point them out? Thanks.</p>