We never went to parents weekends, and the guys never came home during the term. S1 went to school a 10 hr drive away, S2 a seven hour drive. OTOH, they were both less than two hours away on a non-stop Southwest flight, which meant we could buy tickets when there was a sale and tinker with dates/times if necessary without incurring change fees (and oh yeah, the two bags). Neither one has a car.
Our flagship is 24 miles away, but it can take an hour to get there depending on traffic. Most of the kids we know who went there didn’t come home much more often than those who were father away.
I will admit there have been times where I wished I could put my eye/ears directly on a situation, though – and I am sure my kids would admit they were glad at times I wasn’t that convenient…
Having other children at home was not a factor for us, since I just have the one son, but I can see how that can play into decisions and restrictions. Emeraldkity, I appreciate your honesty about your oldest daughter and what you experienced.
Not all kids feel the need to escape from oppressive parental supervision when they go to college by going as far away as possible, and not all kids who go far away do it because they are trying to escape. We gave our son plenty of freedom to do his own thing while living at home, but he wasnt the type to go crazy with it, either. So again, your child’s personality plays into the equation.
I don’t think my daughter went far away to escape me, and we had and continue to have a good relationship, even with 2000 miles between us. There were a few times, though, that I really wished to be closer to help out, although the main one was after she graduated (right before she was scheduled to move out of the residence hall), when her dorm room was robbed and she lost not only many precious possessions but also her sense of safety.
My kids didn’t want to escape me. My son joined the military-no choice in where he got sent or when he got to visit. His sister chose a college across the country, but close to her dad. She and I spoke often and she’s back here now. I see her when she can make time but she works nights and sleeps days so that’s hard. Youngest is planning to attend a type of college found only on the other side of the country-not to escape. It would be wrong of me to insist my kids stay close by to make ME happy.
Military family here. Never even came into play nor did we figure travel costs. We’re so used to long hours in the car and flights we didn’t even think about it. Luckily we have retired airline flight benefits as a back up so I guess that made us not think about it either.
It makes me happy to know that my kids are and will be where they were meant to be (yes I know, a controversial outlook on CC). I feel like D is in the perfect place and S looks like he is headed to the perfect place for him at a great distance. It warms the cockles of my heart to think of him there, though, and it felt just right when we stepped on campus to visit. I think that having a kid who is happily growing into themselves and their own version of adulthood makes for a pretty smooth and fulfilling relationship. Plus, I like being completely off the hook for micromanaging.
Neither of my kids even applied to any colleges west of the Mississippi, although there were several schools that would have been good fits for them. My S, class of 2015, ended up at the farthest away school he applied to, and it was his last choice. He was really ready to “fly the nest” and adjusted easily, although he is young for his class (September birthday.) His younger sister has missed him terribly though. We also really did not factor in travel costs when budgeting for his college. We have spent a LOT of money on plane tickets and gas, and hotel rooms when we have visited him. We have also had a lot of long-distance landlord and car hassles that have been costly, including what S told us was a minor fender-bender that turned out to have caused major damage to his car, and the shop he took it to didn’t repair it properly which caused another expensive repair. If he had been closer to home, his dad would have gone to look at the car in person and take it to the right shop and deal directly with them. He ended up in the ER one night after a head injury during a rock concert. Just took some stitches, but it sucked not being able to be there when that happened. He is going to stay in the city where he is in school now, though, so we have to just get used to it. It has been a great college choice despite the expense and hassles for us. He found learning, love, and employment, and a lot closer to us than Los Angeles, which is where we feared he would end up.
Our D is a high school senior this year and definitely wants to stay close to home, though she cast a wide net at first when putting together her college list. She looked at a few California schools since the field she wants to go into is largely based in L.A. and Vancouver (animation and visual effects.) I was strongly in favor of her applying to UCLA at least. But she decided in the end that she really didn’t want to go that far, not even as far as Michigan. She will attend one of our local universities (Philadelphia) or Syracuse, which is only 4 hours away from us. It will be a little strange to have a kid coming home for weekends here and there, and a blessing not having to deal with the Thanksgiving travel nightmares! The other good thing is that she will be able to keep working at her part time job since she works for a restaurant chain that has stores near all the campuses she is considering. She will either study abroad or do a coop in NYC or LA, depending on where she goes, so we will have some time with her far away. But I’m pretty happy that I won;t be a permanent empty-nester for another 4 years at least.
My daughter had no desire to go out of state for school. We live in a pretty rural area of our state and are far from a lot of things. There are only 3 four year universities within 3.5 hours of us. She did apply and was accepted to one of those schools - it’s about 90 minutes away. The only reason she would attend that school is because she likes the city it is in. The school is fine, but out of the schools we attended she ranked it at the bottom and I agree with her ranking. She is choosing to attend that is really a nice fit for her. It’s about 4 hours away on the other side of the state. I’d love it if it was closer to home and she would too, but the distance will be fine. There are some kids from area who attend one of the three schools in that city, so it wouldn’t be hard for her to carpool with someone if she did want to come home. The drive isn’t so bad if you have company in the car.
My daughter has lived in a different continent and on both coasts so I feel she wasn’t itching to have to try somewhere different again for another four years. We had no restrictions based solely on distance. We did discuss about financial and convenience implications of going far away. I did tell her I would prefer some place where we had friends or family relatively nearby. My daughter applied to schools on both coasts and the South West. We assured that she would dorm and we would let her be however close or far from home her college was. She is attending a college under 100 miles from home. She has been home for all the breaks and a couple of weekends. What can I say, I love that she is so close by. It is so cheap and convenient!
Getting my daughter to school 1000 miles away - which is nothing more than a plane ride - is far less hassle for my family / me than my friends who are driving their kids to Midwestern state universities where there is no nearby airport and where it involves a parent taking off from work to drive down and retrieve.
Both kids went more than 1,000 miles away, with my blessing. They are different creatures.
Ds1 isn’t as communicative so there were times when I kind of wished I could be there, meet his friends, etc. After moving him in freshman year, I only went back twice – to move him in sophomore year and graduation. What helped a lot was that he hosted up to three radio shows a semester that were streamed online, so I got to hear his voice and “meet” friends who cohosted, etc. That was awesome. His senior year I was able to go to a “neutral” site to see him play his sport in the natl championship tourney and meet a bunch of his friends. That was really wonderful.
Ds2 calls more often and has more to say when he calls so in some ways I miss him less. This spring break he’s bringing two kids home so I DO get to meet his bffs. His roomie has FB-friended me. I feel much more plugged in where he is concerned. He also is part of a performance group so I get to see video of his concerts. He’s heard me say that I missed being able to meet his brother’s friends so he’s made an effort to make sure I do. He’s just thoughtful that way. A tradeoff is that he can’t afford to come home for T’giving.
I hadn’t thought about a 3 hour rule. However, from a pretty early age we explained to our children that we would pay for the equivalent of 4 years of school at our state flagship university. If they wanted to attend something more expensive they would have to consider loans, scholarships etc.
We live in the Chicago area. UIUC is a 2.5 hr drive away and it’s where my DD is a sophomore. We LOVE it! We can do a one day quick visit (take her out to lunch, the mall, grocery shopping, etc) for a few hours and then get back home before it’s dark.
I really appreciate our situation after talking with other parents. A lot of my friends, who have older children who attended far, OOS schools, lament the fact that they subsequently found jobs near those schools. I hate to be that parent who puts my own happiness above theirs, but I value…and they value…our family time.
I guess if they had a true passion in a field of study that could not be met within our geographical area, I would not stand in their way. But thankfully there are a lot of really good schools within a 4.5 hour driving distance. I just wish the 4.5 hr schools were a little closer.
As for experiencing life someplace different, my DD is doing study abroad for the semester and loving it. And it is cheaper than if she was on campus!! Win-Win.
We did consider the distance as a prime factor. Most of the schools my D applied are within 4 hours driving distance. Only one school on the list was out of driving range.
We live in California, and although it is a big state I thought attending school out of state would be an education in and of itself and that a few schools in the upper Midwest might be the best match for DD. I made it clear that we couldn’t afford the $$ and she couldn’t afford the time to come over Thanksgiving, esp. since Chicago-O’Hare is so often delayed. Thus, almost from the beginning of freshman year DD hustled to go home with another student over Thanksgiving. We can bring her home over winter break and spring break, but one year she had a choir tour so didn’t come home. This summer she doesn’t plan to come home at all, but she needs to secure a job for the beginning of the summer.
DD and I are very close, but I want my little birdie to be able to spread her wings and fly even if it means she may settle far away.
We live in the NE and I knew that there were plenty of affordable schools on the east coast that were a great fit, so our only restriction was no west coast schools.
She chose a school that’s almost 600 miles away but with extremely cheap direct flights.
My son is a high school Junior, so we’re in the process of looking at schools now.
We’re not even considering schools that require air travel. We have a ballpark 250 mile radius that we’re considering.
We’re on Long Island, so that radius goes from Boston to Baltimore on the east coast, and a pretty decent chunk of PA to the west. So he can find urban or rural, large schools and small schools, pretty much whatever he wants.
My mom is 84, should something happen in the next 6 years, we want him to be able to get home. Likewise, we want the option for him to be able to get home for his sister’s Confirmation, and his other sister’s Sweet 16. And should we need to get to him, we want to be able to get into the car and just go.
I felt that a closer proximity to home would give my son a greater chance at making a smoother transition to college and help him remain successful while there, which was important to me, even tho I didn’t tell him that. In high school, his loftier, ambitious, complicated plans never seemed to pan out. Simpler, more concrete plans did. Not being too far away kept it simpler for all of us. His college choice was challenging without being overwhelming.
I think this is one of those issues that really varies by family. I addition to being able to afford transportation costs for our kids, we happen to live 15 minutes from a major airport. We are not concerned about our kids not returning to our area after they graduate as we don’t plan to retire here. Both of our kids had travel opportunities and were comfortable with them being some distance away.
But these happen to be our own family circumstances. Others have different situations.
http://www.freemaptools.com/radius-around-point.htm
This is what I get for options when I draw a 250 mile radius . . . not a lot. It doesn’t even get you to our other flagship or the state’s “premier” LAC in Whitman College. I tried the radius around Long Island and it would be pretty easy to stay in that zone and find a place to be happy.
Bellingham:
Western Washington University
Vancouver BC:
UBC
Seattle:
U of W - flagship
Seattle U - Jesuit
Seattle Pacific - conservative Christian
Northwest College - even more conservative Christian
Bastyr Institute - naturopathic
Cornish College of the Arts - arts
a bunch of community colleges
Tacoma area:
University of Puget Sound
Pacific Lutheran - Lutherans
Olympia:
The Evergreen State College
oops! almost forgot St. Martin’s - tiny Benedictine
Portland:
Reed
Portland State
Lewis and Clark
Pacific University
East:
Central Washington University
Yakima Valley Community College
We had no radius for our children, and the older ones had no trouble being far away and doing well. We expected no different for the little sister, but being far away nearly cost her her life from a serious eating disorder. She was so far away that we did not realize she was so sick until it was nearly too late. Had she been an hour or two away, we would likely have seen her for a visit of some sort, but the farther away kids are, the less likely it is that anyone gets a look at them before a major holiday.
Most kids can go far away to college and do well, but as I have now learned, college is for the physically healthy and mentally robust. It is very easy for kids, even those who did not seem the least bit fragile in high school (and mine surely did not) to get sick, get depressed, or in some way fall apart a little without any family support. My recommendation is that you have a family friend or relative who is within an hour or two if your child is far from home for this reason. We never like to think anything bad will happen, but it is certainly wise to be prepared.
