<p>Apologies if this is the wrong section, none of the others seemed to suit the topic. A little background, I live with my grandmother and uncle since my mother died a couple years back. I go to my city's community college and I'm on track to graduate next Fall and transfer to my intended university a little over 250 miles away from my home, which isn't even all that far. I could probably come home and visit every other weekend.</p>
<p>I have been discussing things with my family to ease them into the idea of me moving. My uncle was really supportive as usual, but my grandmother is practically demanding I not apply to any universities except local ones so I don't have to move out for 2-3 years. I've spent the last couple of weeks trying to explain to her that I have to leave at some point, and I don't know, it's like she refuses to listen and gets upset someone brings it up (I try not to anymore, but other people still do). She claims the colleges here are just as good, it'll be cheaper, I'm just taking the easy way out (???), and things like moving for college is useless anyway. It's always something new, really. Anything I say against her is either shot down or ignored entirely.</p>
<p>It makes for an incredibly frustrating environment and I really want to try and resolve this. I'm at a loss as to how to approach this with her anymore though. I know she wants me to stay because she'll miss me and worry and I'm the only grandchild she's had around their whole life, but I hate feeling like I can't even get excited about my future or have an adult conversation without her raining all over my parade and getting worked up. I don't want it to turn into a deal where I have to just pack up and leave with her not having come to terms with everything.</p>
<p>Has anyone else possibly been in a semi-similar situation and can relate or even give some advice on how to deal with this mess?</p>
<p>I haven’t had a semi-similar situations, but I have had experience dealing with relatives who have controlling personalities. Your grandmother may be terrified of “losing” the loved ones around her. Is she frail? Will she feel completely abandoned if you move to college or can she rely on your uncle?</p>
<p>It sounds like you’ve reached a point where you can no longer have a reasonable conversation with her. I’ve learned from experience that at some point you have to go ahead and do things without the relative’s blessing. (I assume you’re 18 or will be really soon.). Your grandmother might not see it this way, but if you can live on your own and get some real-world experiences, plus get a decent job when you graduate from college, you’ll be better prepared to be able to take care of her later on when necessary or to be able to live on your own if something happens to her.</p>
<p>Of course you should assure your grandmother that you still love her, her well-being matters to you,she can still rely on you for truly important matters, and you will visit her as often as you can. Just be prepared for her to make demands on you that you might not be able to fulfill. </p>
<p>This is an excellent time for you to assert your independence. Of course, money could be a big issue. If you’re relying on her for financing, then you can start taking steps towards gaining your independence by getting a job and taking classes closer to home.</p>
<p>Your grandmother lost her daughter already and went through emotional trauma. Now she feels as if she’s losing you forever. Cut her some slack, sweetie. Just stay firm, keep saying this is what you’ve got to do to grow up. Keep reassuring her that you love her and will stay close. Does she know how to Skype or Facetime? If not, show her how and practice several times. Keep it light, laugh a lot with her, give her lots of hugs. Truth be told, it IS another kind of loss and a smack of reality. Stay your course, but treat Gran Mere with humor, love, and kindness.</p>
<p>Your grandmother feels she’s losing you and probably thinks that once you’re gone, no matter what you say, you’ll be gone. She doesn’t want you to go, that’s why she’s coming up with all these “reasons” which really aren’t but pretexts. Don’t waver, stay your course, but also stay loving to your grandmother. It’s time for you to go and make your own adult life, you’re 20 and you’re an adult - that alone is hard for parents, realizing the little kid has grown. It’s a time of change for all involved.
Don’t talk about the subject with her. Be excited with your uncle, your friends. Whenever someone else brings up the subject to your grandmother, be reassuring and loving. She’ll get used to the idea. In the summer, about a month before you move, start practicing with Skype. Show her, then have her repeat after you with you there to help, and finally have several skyping sessions where she’s on her own - the first one, with you in another room. If she doesn’t have a laptop or computer, buy her a cheap one (she doesn’t need the super powerful ones anyway, it’s not like she’s going to start designing websites and editing films. The cheapest one is okay for email and skype.) Tell her it’s your present to her and to you, because you want to stay in touch and that’s the way it goes. Promise you’ll send at least one email a week and sometimes more if you don’t have too much work.
Does she have a cell phone? If so, show her how to read texts. Practice. Then, if she feels comfortable, show her how to send texts (some older people may have trouble with this so don’t insist if it’s frustrating for her. Just being able to read occasional texts like “awesome lecture about Ghana in the 7th century”, “why is calculus SO HARD!!!” “the pasta bake here is NOTHING like yours. Miss your cooking” “I tasted a new dish, can’t wait to try and cook it for you” “My friend Kira says hi”… will make her day.)</p>
<p>My parents weren’t that excited about me going to France. I told them that I was going to do it and they didn’t really have a choice. It’s my life. I saved up the money and got the scholarships and I made it happen.</p>
<p>But I also call my parents basically every day and they’re very in the know with what’s going on.</p>
<p>PS. 250 miles is quite a ways away to go home every other weekend. That’s a lot of driving. I went to university 90 miles away and I only went home once or twice a semester because it was so “far”.</p>
<p>^ great reply. I’d also suggest that there is nothing wrong with going old school. Sending your grandmother an old fashioned greeting card by snail mail every couple weeks with an old fashioned paper picture might be very appreciated. You know your grandmother best … how does she interact with her friends and family? Can you mimic that while in college?</p>
<p>Thanks everyone, seems like I should pretty much just keep with what I’m doing now. We’ve been trying to get her to learn to use Skype and Facebook and whatnot, but she is super not interested and doesn’t really pay attention (she could if she wanted to, she just doesn’t care about learning it). My uncle and I still have to show her how to switch the input on her television so she can turn it on sometimes! I’ll keep at it until the day I have to go, but I don’t see it sticking too well, she’s just never really connected well with technology. She’s not especially frail, actually she’s in pretty great shape for 85, and she can definitely depend on my uncle while I’m not there. Truth be told, he’s a lot more useful around the house than I am anyway.</p>
<p>@Stressedouttt: The local university is not really a feasible option for my desired degree, unfortunately. Not unless they really change their curriculum in a year and a half. I’ve spoken to people in the engineering department at the only uni that offers my concentration in depth, and and it’s just not the program that I’d need for what I want to do after graduation. It’s very heavy on theoretical and light on practical learning and that’s not a good mix for a MechE unless I want to end up in academia or go on for a doctorate. The other 3 Universities here are either not ABET accredited or don’t even offer engineering degrees.</p>
<p>@AUGirl: I live in Texas, so everything is pretty spread out around here. It’s not unusual to have to drive 100 miles to go on a shopping trip here and I took a lot of road trips as a little girl, so 250 miles doesn’t really phase me since I’m used to having to go long distances. </p>
<p>250 miles may not be that long of a journey, but there’s a lot of stuff going on on a college campus! You don’t want to miss out on the college life because you’re going home all the time.</p>
<p>I lived only 90 minutes from my school, and I agree that that’s not very far. Point is, I didn’t go home often, because if I did, I would have missed out on a lot! Obviously, it’s up to you, but when you actually get to college, you might see that the weekends are a good time to get studying/homework done, or there are a lot of friends you want to hang out with, or you simply just don’t want to pay for the gas.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t promise to go home every other weekend if I were you. But it sounds like you do have good academic reasons for your plan. I am not sure how this works with your mom deceased, will your grandma need to provide financial aid information? You haven’t mentioned if she has any way of stopping you from going other than making you feel guilty, but it is something to make sure you have a handle on.</p>
<p>You can’t change your grandmother’s emotions, all you can do is acknowledge her fears, let her know you still love her, but keep making plans to go away to college. “I know it must be hard for you to see me move far away, and I will have adjustments to make as well learning to be independent.” It will take time for her to see how well you adjust and the great things you accomplish in your independent college adventures. Words like “I am sorry it hurts you so much to think of me moving away, but it really is the best opportunity for me. I hope you are able to be excited for me.”</p>
<p>Are your college finances dependent on your grandmother’s support? That would be the only factor that would make this decision tricky.</p>
<p>Even without having a death in the family, it is not easy to send a child away to college. It is a loss to be grieved, and it will take time for your grandmother to adjust. Suggestions above for sending mail and making phone calls will be appreciated. Plan on skyping with your uncle and I bet your grandmother will eventually get curious and peek over his shoulder to be able to say hello to you. Right now, she is probably balking at anything related to you moving away.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you, it sounds like you are making the best of your situation.</p>
<p>For a similar-ish situation, my mom was pretty against me going to Asia to study abroad because she didn’t like the idea of not being able to see me often. When I was at school at home, she at least got to see me on the weekends when I did my grocery shopping at her workplace, but now all she got was a screen, but by the end of the summer when I was to leave she adjusted and things went fairly smoothly. Now I’m on my second year abroad in Asia, I’ve only been home for the summer between the 2 years, and she’s perfectly fine so long as we Skype and message on Facebook every so often.
I think your grandmother could adjust similarly, just give her some time to get used to it in her own way. You’ve got all summer, just leave her be to think about it and when others bring it up just remind her that its what makes you happy and that it’s your dream. Good luck!</p>
If she doesn’t have a laptop or computer, buy her a cheap one (she doesn’t need the super powerful ones anyway, it’s not like she’s going to start designing websites and editing films. The cheapest one is okay for email and skype.) Tell her it’s your present to her and to you, because you want to stay in touch and that’s the way it goes. Promise you’ll send at least one email a week and sometimes more if you don’t have too much work.