Overbearing Grandma - Need Advice

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Okay, so I have decided to go to college. My parents having been stressing about money but are glad that I'm gaining independence. I'm going in Health Information Management which has a lot of growth opportunity. </p>

<p>Onto my grandma; she sort of had left my father with her parents because she had no time for him, she was young, but still. Then when my parents had me, she is admittedly trying to make up for what she did to my dad. When he wanted to go to college she went nuts trying to make him become a lawyer and he just completely shut down. </p>

<p>Now that I'm going to college I told her what I'm going to do, all of a sudden she's telling I have to go through for a Law Clerk otherwise I'll be a bum with no money and a failure. I was also raised with her frequently calling me fat and ugly. Once again she is trying to get me to crumble and follow her dream which she is too lazy to peruse. I flipped out on her today in the car when she told me that there's a reason I've been single and having a stupid career won't get me anywhere. Well she has had over 8 husbands, taking all of their money, then cheating on them. I told her that I probably shouldn't take advice from prostitutes. It was really rude and disrespectful, but when she has called me a slut for being raped, I would follow her word quietly and do as I was told which I found more damaging than anything.</p>

<p>I let our relationship get to this where I despise her, I no longer value her opinion and don't respect. I know it isn't right, but I don't know how to respect her any more. She has broken me, my father and my mother down and she doesn't even respect herself, but she is strong enough willed to push her choices on us.</p>

<p>I do appreciate her concern for me; her intentions are right, I believe but her proceedings are just so hurtful and wrong. She refuses to let me have my own independence because she screwed up with dad, but this I believe is worse. We have to manipulate and lie to her, just for our own independence and I know that's so wrong, but she doesn't seem to understand what a toll she is putting on us - even when we tell her up straight. </p>

<p>Well, I apologize for my rant, and I am a little irate. I tried the "yes ma'am, I know" way, and I found it much worse for our relationship. I just want to know how I can improve my independence and if possible my relationship with her? Has anyone else had it this irking and explosive? I hate being this rude to her, and I treat all my other grandparents and parents with extreme respect, but I can't do it at all .. Any advice guys?</p>

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<p>Once you move away to college, you won’t have to deal with her. I don’t think there’s anything you can do.</p>

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<p>

No one gives you your independence. You take it. I don’t understand what kind of hold this horrible woman has on you (financial?), buy it’s past time to break it. Why would you have anything to do with someone who is so nasty and damaging? Even amoebas are smart enough to move away from harm. Be an amoeba.</p>

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<p>Well, I do wish there was a way to patch things up, but I suppose if she can’t stand herself how can she expect someone else to. She definitely needs some self-development and stability. She has had a lot of mental health issues and clearly still hasn’t overcome them yet.</p>

<p>She does sort of have financial weight over me (the $95 application fee, which will be paid back). The reason I haven’t left is because she is suicidal, and I do love her, she is my grandma. She is really messed up and it isn’t her fault she’s this damaged. Dad said too, that it’s time I took charge, and for now, ignore what she has to say because she doesn’t even know what she’s doing. He said that he just ignored her opinions after college and since then worked his way up from a job that she said would ruin his life, to be one of the most important staff members in his company.</p>

<p>I suppose I’m just nervous to follow this advice of standing up and ignoring someone. I was always raised being told to mind those who were older, respect them, and do as they told me; yet with her they say to do the exact opposite (except for respect her, I still will do that but in a way that she doesn’t feel entitled to make decisions for me).</p>

<p>I suppose it is time to take charge, and write out my story before someone else does it for me. Time to be an amoeba - awesome analogy by the way.</p>

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<p>When a relationship has become damaging to you, and it affects your health, it’s time to leave it. I don’t understand why people push this “love your family” agenda. There are times where you have to leave them. They’re not always good for you. With that said, you have three choices:</p>

<p>1) You can ignore the problem. This is good when it’s a small problem and one that doesn’t harm you. A minor annoyance (god! Why does he snore so loud!?).</p>

<p>2) You can leave the problem. This is when an issue can’t be fixed or the other person is unwilling to compromise. Honestly, this is the route I would take in this situation. Especially if she were saying those things to me.</p>

<p>3) You can change the way you view the situation. You can’t change other people. If you can’t ignore it, but you can’t leave either, then you need to start viewing the relationship in a different light. “She called me a slut so I don’t get raped again.” This is a very hard road to take, but it’s usually the best option.</p>

<p>With that said, she treats you, your mom, and your dad the way she does because you guys are enabling her to do so. If, every time she said something rude to one of you, you all turned your backs, she’s eventually learn that she needs to treat people with respect. And, I’ll also state, I all but guarantee she threatens suicide for attention. And giving her that attention isn’t healthy. It continues to give her a way to manipulate you all.</p>

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<p>Hi Maniac, thank you for your post. </p>

<p>I agree, option one is not the way to solve our problems. </p>

<p>Option two I believe will not even be feasible since everyone else “abandoned her”. She would become more of a stalker than anything.</p>

<p>Option three I have tried doing over the past few years, the “she only hurts me because she loves me” mindset. However, with that always going into my mind, sometimes I forget and do believe I’m fat, or ugly or a slut for what happened. </p>

<p>Recently she has certainly been playing the guilt card and threatening us with suicide. However, a few years ago she was put into a coma from a massive over dose. Before that was drug overdose. Those times I believe were intentional but other than that I know for certain she wants that attention. Lately we’ve all been standing up for ourselves just because we’ve tried the turn our backs when she was rude or innapropriate and she will act sane again and quickly snap back to psychotic. </p>

<p>I thought I was supposed to be the crazy, wild, irresponsible and disrespectful teen in this situation? Hahah</p>

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<p>I’m glad to see that you are standing on your own. Here’s another tip: Take every suicide attempt seriously (as you can never know if she’s serious or not). Next time she threatens it, have her Baker Acted. She definitely sounds like she needs to get help for herself. Especially if she has a history of suicide.</p>

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<p>You say “everyone else abandoned her”. Because they figured out something you haven’t. You have to preserve yourself and your future as your top priority. I think your career plan sounds fine. Some things aren’t clear - do you live with her? What year of high school are you, and have you been admitted to college yet? Will you be relying on her for tuition and/or living expenses while you are in college?</p>

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<p>I agree with intparent. I know it sounds harsh and maybe selfish, but who’s well-being and success is more important here, yours or your grandmother’s? This constant badgering and insult slewing is not good for your mental or physical health and can eventually lead YOU to be suicidal. Believe me I know, my mother is exactly the same way, stuck in her own vendetta, pushing her beliefs on me and insulting and sometimes erratically striking if I didn’t agree. This kind of stress lead me to migraines and panic attacks. And one day I finally decided I would cut off my relations with her when I realized she didn’t care about me enough to let go of those ideas and meet me halfway when I tolerated her crap constantly. I ignored and didn’t talk to her at all to avoid arguments for about a month at first. Then my family eventually made her leave our family home because she was making everyone unhappy; she didn’t contribute financially and she just stressed everyone out. Everyone else ignored and avoided her long before I did so I was also concerned about that, being her last hope and all. But I decided I can’t kill myself for her and I won’t. And honestly it was one of the best decisions of my life. It was an extremely toxic relationship.</p>

<p>So think and see what sacrifices your willing to make for her. Are you willing to throw your whole being away for her ideas or not? Compromising your health for hers? Ask this seriously and if there is a hint of doubt then cut it off cleanly. Especially if she doesn’t contribute to your life in any positive way.</p>

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<p>Yeah, if she seems serious about it we will have to.</p>

<p>I think that’s true and I’m seeing why, now, I think. It’s time to cut off more communication, don’t be vague and set boundaries; she needs to make herself healthy before she can be in other people’s lives. Nope, currently I’m at home with my parents. I have graduated and (it’s late I know) but they said in two days I’ll find out. Nope, I’m going onto OSAP and a line of credit for housing and school. The only financial way she has a word in is because she lent me $95 to apply, that’s it. </p>

<p>Yes; for now I will stand up to her and not take any of her crap. She will have boundaries, and she crosses those, there will be consequences of me leaving, and not telling her when I will talk to her again. You’re right, she had her chance to do what she wanted and she didn’t. This is MY opportunity to follow my career and make my own decisions in life, she can offer simple advice if I ask, otherwise I find no value in her opinion. She can’t choose things for me, and I’m glad I’ll be on my own - with a door that locks! Hahaha. I guess now I just need to stand up and when she throws a hissy fit, or a guilt trip, or generally acts out of line, I will no longer tolerate it and cut my losses if she won’t respect my wishes.</p>