Hello wonderful parents of CC :)>- ! Something has been kind of upsetting me lately and I felt the urge to come on here and talk about it. I am going to Choate next year, and honestly I feel like I am abandoning my parents. My sister left for college last year and I am seriously worried that they will suffer from empty-nest syndrome. I’ve talked to them about this and they’ve always said things along the lines of “knowing that you’re happy and fulfilled at Choate is what will make me happy”, and “I promise that we will be fine”. I am just terrified that my parents will feel disconnected from me or that they will be at home hanging out with my dogs all day. Just the thought of my parents living alone is seriously upsetting.
I was just wondering… I want an honest description of what it’s like while your kid is away at bs. Do you regret it? Do you feel like you don’t know them anymore? How upset were you?
I know that most parents can’t spend their days at home pouting because their kids are gone because they have things to do, but my parents are self employed (real estate development) and don’t have to go out every day and have a lot of free time… I am just stressed out about the whole scenario. Maybe I’m being nuts? Probably. I’m more worried about them than I am about myself, TBH.
If any of you could give insight about how it felt to send your kids away/ if you think it was worth it, etc, that would be really great!
Thanks everybody!
NIco, what your parents said is accurate. I think we all miss our kids terribly, AND we are all very happy that they are getting the top-notch education and wonderful social and cultural experiences at BS. There are occasional moments when we feel like " Who is this kid?" But in a good way… Like, who is this kid who used to struggle with math and now has all As? WHo is this kid who was so shy and awkward when they left for BS, who is now playing the lead in a school production and has a ton of friends? Who is this kid who can carry on a great conversation about political issues… And current world events… With adults… You get the idea.
It might make you feel better to look up the thread from a couple of years ago… I think it was called Secret Perks of SEnding Your Kid to Boarding School, or something similar. I bet @ChoatieMom can find it. You will see just how many fun things your parents might be planning to do once you are moved into your dorm!! 
Please believe me … Your parents will miss you, AND they will do just fine. And that’s exactly what they want for you, too. This is the biggest ( and hardest) part of our job as parents… Letting you go and watching you fly. You’ll miss them, AND you’ll have a great experience! I promise. 
I have three kids in college right now. My youngest is a freshman. I seriously was so excited for all three to go to their college. It is an exciting time in your life and we rejoice because we did our job well in preparing you for this next phase of your life.
See, your life has undergone many phases we have said goodbye to. When one ends, we may get a little wistful but as the next one starts, it becomes our new focus.
When my last one left, well, actually about 3-4 months before graduation, I got really sad. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t read all the mushy stuff about kids going off to college etc. etc. But deep down inside, I was excited for him so I wasn’t sure what was going on. Whatever it was, it was not for him to worry about nor was it something I let him see or know. I did not need to burden him with my issue during an exciting time in his life.
Then one day, and I can’t recall what it was now that brought on the “ah ha” moment, but i realized why I was sad. It because MY role as a mother was changing. It was bigger than just saying goodbye to one phase and hello to the next., Yes, I was still the mom and would still get to “mom” them. My role as mom was changing. I wasn’t sure what all changes were in store, and it didn’t really matter. I was sad because I could not identify my sad, and once I did, I was not sad another moment. Not one. I embraced the changes as they came and figured it out as I went along. Kinda like we do when we first bring y’all home from the hospital. We just figure out what works.
So, by the time we dropped baby off at college, ole hubby and I have had a great time doing some things together we used to could not do. Do not begrudge your parents sitting around with the dogs. They probably need the breather and rest!!! Let them congratulate themselves for a job well done. Raising you kiddos isn’t always easy. We love you guys but gosh do we relish the quiet/not staying up until you come home/no sass talk/arguments/ and we LOVE to hear from you at school.
It is our job to get you guys to this level and prepared. It is a proud moment for all. Your folks will figure out what to do with themselves. That is part of the fun for us parents. We may not know right off hand but we figure it out pretty darn quick. Heck, we might go back to sleeping nude or walk around the house like we did BC.
Your folks will be just fine. They did fine before you were born and they will be find when you go to college. They will miss you and you will miss them. It is natural and this is the progression of things. Communicate and share. Stay in touch. Enjoy your college experience. Have a blast. Let them have this time too to let it all sink in and rediscover who they are and want to become in this next phase. It is exciting for us all.
Good luck and enjoy school.
Edited to add: I am so tired that I just realized you were going to bs not college but still, most of it applies. One phase is coming to a close and one is opening. Things will change and it will be good. You are growing us and they will grow as well.
Well, it helps a lot if you keep in touch. You’ll call and text your parents a lot the first year but less so as you make friends and academics get tougher. Just remember to keep in touch with them and include them in your life. It’s tough because you’re still a teen but you’ll move towards adulthood earlier at a BS. Your parents still have something to offer through your HS years.
And kudos for caring. BTW, I attended a BS my junior and senior year and did this to my parents and my D will graduate from a BS in a couple weeks after three years there so I’ve been on both ends but there was a pay phone in the hall in my years! 
I can’t imagine how much harder it was on my parents when we called home every week or two.
@Nico.campbell, you’re a sweet and thoughtful kid. My son who’s going off to BS next year is the first one to leave the house, and yes, we will miss him terribly. Much as he can drive us crazy, he is an awesome kid with a ton of energy and is fun to have around. It’s also painful to watch your kids grow up (so quickly!), and this feels like the first step to true adulthood. Ugh. However, it’s comforting knowing how excited he is and how comfortable he is with his school choice (and we are as well). It’s also exciting for him to have such an amazing opportunity. All parents want to provide their kids with the best experience possible in all respects, education being high on the list. My hope is that he will make the most of it and truly appreciate all the advantages he has. We also hope he will stay in touch, answer calls and texts, etc., and express some gratitude I’m sure your parents feel similarly. They will miss you but will also be super proud of you, and they’ll be fine. Keep them in your thoughts, but don’t worry about them.
I found it very, very difficult when my first went to boarding school. It wasn’t that I had an empty nest (I didn’t) or that I didn’t have a focus as I work a ton, travel a lot, and generally get too little sleep and have way too much to do. It was really that I missed my kiddo – profoundly and deeply. I adore everything about him and missed talking with him, discussing current events and news, getting his take on the world, hearing his jokes, taking long walks, his enthusiasm in telling me all about things I don’t understand. It was a huge heartache. I described it to many friends as feeling like someone took the sun away and my world was mostly cloudy now. But I adjusted, as I expect your parents will. I learned to make sure I could see him once a month or so. I started finding times to get long chats with him despite his schedule. I came to appreciate what his school offered that he could not get at home and love the new experiences he is having and seeing his growth.
I agree with @Thelma2 that this is just another loss. Parenting is all about loss and growth and joy in the changes. I mourned the babies and the toddlers and the preschoolers and the kids with no front teeth. I miss having kids sit in my lap when now they are taller than me. And yet, I revel in their emerging adults – their passions and pursuits and dreams and growth. It’s beautiful to watch and I’m grateful for the boarding school opportunity for them.
I am losing my last one soon and it will be an adjustment, but I’m really excited to do things I used to do and find entirely new pursuits. In my situation, there just hasn’t been much time that wasn’t work or kids for many, many years. You know, us parents had whole and interesting lives before those kids came around. After kids, I have had little time to do things I wanted to do. I’m relearning things I like and super excited about having the financial resources to do things I couldn’t have imagined doing before kids – travel, adventure trips, sports lessons, going to shows, etc. I think you will find that your parents enjoy their freedom. They will miss you but they will also like having less intense parenting and more time for fun!
I’m going to weigh in as well on this one since my child is finishing up her first year away at school. I’m a single Mom, and my daughter is my only child. I’ve raised her completely by myself since she was one. With it always just being the two of us, we have an incredibly deep bond. She’s the girl that no matter her age would snuggle with me on the sofa, hold my hand (even in public), hug and kiss me (even in front of friends), and she tells me everything (including when she even THINKS of a swear word knowing I’m not a fan of her using swear words out loud). Her school is a 19 hour drive or a not so cheap 3.5 hour flight from home so it’s not like I see her on long weekends!
All of this to say, this year has been tough and it’s honestly been more tough than I ever imagined it could be. I miss her dearly. I also know and see and hear how incredibly happy she is at her school. I know I’ve given her an opportunity that she would have never had at home! She is thriving in her new environment, has made friends that will last her a lifetime, and is living an authentic life all her own! This all makes it easier!
Every single parent raises their child knowing that one day, they’ll send that child out into the world. We raise our children to be independent from us and as I think most boarding parents will agree, our boarding children were just ready a few years earlier than planned!
I think that keeping in touch with your parents is key, and in today’s world with Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, FaceTime, Skype, texting, and phone calls, it’s easier than ever to stay connected. It’s easy to still feel like you’re a part of your child’s life even being 19 hours away. Not to say that it’s easy knowing you can’t hug them at a moments notice, the communication makes it easier! All we want as parents is to see our children be happy, independent, smiling, laughing, excelling, and doing well in life. If you share the moments of your new life with your parents, they’ll do fine!
How sweet and kind you are to think of your parents like this!
Honestly, it was tough for me and I still saw them frequently but I knew it was best for their education and personal growth. One was so happy at BS that the personal sacrifices made it worthwhile. One had more ups and downs and that resulted in a little second guessing but I wouldn’t have changed it despite it all and despite my missing them so. The separation was harder on us parents than it was on the kids. It’s hard to pour so much into your kids day after day and then, poof, they are gone and your involvement is a 10th of what it was.
In some ways, my relationship was better and stronger when they went to boarding school because the conversations, though fewer, became more substantive and meaningful. We appreciated each other more. Less conversations about picking up socks, doing homework, cleaning their rooms. More discussions on their life, and how things were going, and what they enjoyed about their studies.
Make an effort to reach out to your parents and share even the most mundane bits of your life with them. I know they’ll cherish each little bit of contact. They’ll always be there for you with love and advice when you need it.
@cameo43 , @Thelma2 , @Sportsman88 , @CTMom21 , @gungablue , @RuralAmerica , @doschicos
Thank you so much for your words! No doubt that reading you guys’ responses has helped a ton. I’m planning on doing a TON of face timing and texting with my parents. I already text them throughout the day at school about something stupid that a friend did or maybe just a video of me being bored in class… they’re the best. Really hope that I can find time to have a good convo on a daily basis
You mean after we finishing cleaning up from the “YAY! He’s gone!! Party!!”?? Just kidding, of course, but, while it was certainly tough, it was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even with only one kid, there is a certain relief knowing that he is in the best place for him, flourishing much more than he would be here, interacting will people from around the world on a regular basis, making valuable contacts for the future…plus, Mom’s taxi service closes for the school year, there is less laundry, the house stays cleaner, the electric bill goes down, the food bill goes down, going out to a restaurant is less expensive…
They’ll be fine…and your plan sounds like a good one.
Both of my kids have been gone on overnight trips the past couple of days. The house is neat; we haven’t run the dishwasher; the snack food hasn’t vanished; no laundry has accumulated (though there will be mounds tonight); I didn’t have to rush home to drive anyone anywhere; no bickering; I got to work early…there are definitely benefits. And it will be good to have them back
I will be building a big landing pad for my helicopter;) !!!
But seriously… When I went to BS many decades ago, many parents in that generation “cut the cord” and made us toughen up by having little contact. We had pay phones !! This lack of communication was good for some, but really hard for many. I was homesick but back then you couldn’t really be open with your feelings. I would get a letter maybe once a semester . As a result, I have over-compensated wth the kids in our extended family. As a parent, I don’t just rely on FaceTime, email or phone calls. I send funny postcards, news clippings, cartoons, & care packages. Anything that’s tangible & also fun stuff for the bulletin board. Big smiles far away from home & makes me feel better too ;)!!
The first one was relatively easy. But with the second (and only other) one, I was a bit of a wreck the first few weeks. Well, not really…that first week, my wife and I went out to dinner every night, even saw a movie on a work night, etc. But that’s was not really sustainable, and so around the second week, it really hit me. I may have even cried once, but you didn’t hear that from me.
Speaking of communication, one thing that I sort of did wrong with the second child was call or text her every day for the first two weeks. As the “baby” of the family, I think she saw BS as a chance to be more independent…and incessant calls from your dad are not helpful, apparently. I eventually chilled out (perhaps after getting a talking to from my wife).
Our family has used social media as a great way to keep in touch. There are different family subgroup chats on Snapchat or FB…all four of us, the girls and my wife, the girls and I, the parents and one girl, the parents and the other girl. With the one still in BS, we probably touch base this way daily…but sometimes just for logistics. The college girl we hear from a lot less…which is how I think it should be. A natural progression.
FWIW, I still talk to my parents at least once a week. And Nico, I think that’s not a bad schedule for you (and/or folks as well)…have a weekend day/time that you commit to calling the homestead. It’ll give them something to look forward to everyday, and you won’t feel like you have to fit in a call with them EVERY day (you’re going to be busier than you think at BS!).
For me, it got harder the second and succeeding years. The first year, I enjoyed a lot of “me” and “us” time with DH, and CK was so absorbed and happy in his new world that we hit a good balance early so neither side was missing the other much. But we didn’t see a lot of CK that first summer home due to an internship. It hit me like a ton of bricks when he went back for sophomore year this was the new normal–our home was only a temporary landing spot and he was basically a guest in our house on his way to adulthood far from us. By senior year, I was wretched. My baby was a man and off to the military where I would see him even less. My heart has been broken for years.
But, @“Nico.campbell”, whatever your parents feel, they will probably do an excellent job of hiding it from you because they know what’s best for you is not always what’s best for them. Your concern for them is touching, so do as @SevenDad says, and set up a time for regular communication with them. They will treasure every contact from you. Include them in your BS life, but do not let concern for them dampen your spirit or your take away from your time at Choate. They understand. Really, they do. They love you enough to let you go. That is an amazing amount of love. Treasure it, never forget it or treat it lightly, but don’t let it get in the way of the life and future you need to build. The greatest gift you can give them is becoming all that you can be, and becoming independent of them is part of that gift.
What ChoatieMom said. Saved me the trouble. Anyway, don’t worry about your parents. Just be kind to them, and continue to make them proud.
@“Nico.campbell” pictures, pictures, pictures! Seriously, we parents love to look for our kids in all of the school sites, videos, facebook photos…
make sure to remember to send them photos from dances and weekend activities! - instagram, facebook, whatever works for your family.
best of luck next year! call your parents at least once a week and send pictures!
I haven’t sent one off yet. And I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m kinda hoping she’ll attend the local university, so she can do laundry at home once in a while.
Regarding pictures…there is a very funny Xtranormal video entitled Sleep Away Camp. It is about sleep away camp (obviously!) but features a mom obsessed with looking for pics of her kid. It is awesome…and the photo part at least applies to this thread.
@sushiritto: It’s tough sending them off at any age, but this is the prep school forum where we’re lamenting losing our 13-14 year olds to boarding schools. The parents here hope to be old pros by the time their BS kids head off to college, but I can tell you, it still smarts a bit then, too.