How do the BS handle connecting families to each other while kids are away? Not everyone lives close enough to the schools to make it a weekly/weekend visit, so besides family days - how do the families get to know each other? Good and bad, please share!
In the four years our son was at Choate, we never “connected” with any families other than pleasant chat with people while we were on campus. There wasn’t any need. This forum was our best source of community, and the one time our son was stranded and needed local help, one of our amazing CC posters (not a Choate parent) stepped in to save the day.
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I have to agree somewhat with @choatiemom. We have only connected with a few families at SMS. Our closest two are because their kids chose SMS, but we “met” on CC before they made that WISE decision. LOL. We’ve been very close with them since. Another family we became close to was that of my son’s best friend. They lived about 20 minutes away and would take DS with them to dinner or invite him over occasionally on a weekend. Then, we would get together as a group during Parent’s weekend or whenever we decided to fly up to see DS (obviously pre-pandemic).
The same amazing CC poster that saved ChoatieLT stepped in and relieved me when I was sitting in a hospital room next to DS’s bed for days on end (they know who they are and they are a GodSend).
Otherwise, it was the lighthearted conversations with others during such visits who would know our kid, therefore, would be cordial with us. And we were plenty OK with that.
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@buuzn03 @ChoatieMom This will be my first son “leaving” at 14 - I get that he will be safe and fine, but didnt you feel somewhat disconnected from him and his personal side - who their friends are, etc.? Also ChoatieMom, when you mentioned “this forum” which platform or channel do you mean? Thanks for your replies!
Ours son is our only child and we live in AZ, so a long way from Choate. When I say “this forum,” I mean the Prep School Admissions and Prep School Parents forums. You’re in the right place.
We were absolutely “disconnected” from him but that’s kinda the point. You’ll adjust. You will miss a lot. Your son will miss nothing. As we say repeatedly here, it’s not about us; it’s about them.
Day-to-day, we did not know what our son was doing, who his friends were, what classes he was taking, what his homework was, how he spent his free time, what he was eating/not eating, how clean/squalid his room, how high the pile of dirty laundry, what he wore, what his grades were, who his teachers were, etc. We didn’t need to. He and his school had all that. Also, our son didn’t feel the need to talk to us more than once every couple of weeks or so, and he never texted. That’s just how he rolls. We had allowed him this independent route, so we had to adjust to whatever that looked like. He had a fantastic experience without us. Again, that’s the point.
Every family dynamic is different. Your son may keep you closer in his loop, and you may feel more connected. If you read through the archives here, you’ll see lots of variation in how families, remote and local, adjust to their kid’s BS experience. No worries. You’ll figure this out. Your child is in for the ride of his life. Buckle up and enjoy it. It goes way too fast.
Feel free to ask your questions and shed your tears here. It’s a great group.
ETA: Here’s an old post of mine on how I felt when I finally realized our only child was “gone:”
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For both @choatiemom and myself, it was our first (or only) child leaving at 14. We are both from states very very far from the East Coast. My DS never even attended a sleepover or away summer camp before he left for BS.
I can only speak for myself in that I never felt disconnected from DS. Since his first day, he has FaceTimed us every night he has been able (and he will text if he has a conflict and cannot FT us and still tell us a bit about his day and that he loves us). His friends we got to know through FaceTime chats – we’ve watched them play video games, have chin up contests, climb trees, play Spike Ball…you name it. DS decided that his family would be a priority (he told his advisor this on their first meeting and he has never swayed). Thankfully, that has been how we learned about the school. I personally think that seeing it through his eyes has been the best way.
I don’t want to speak for @ChoatieMom about “this forum” but I believe she means the prep school side of College Confidential. I know that is what I mean. The closest families to us at my son’s school I met first on this forum, the same way I am responding to you now. Then, they became families at the same school, so we met in person. And now – they have become extended family to us. Some of the closest BS people I know, I met here. And I still seek their guidance (probably to the point of their irritation) at times. Although many of us would not be able to pick the other out in a crowd, I feel this forum can cultivate very meaningful and close relationships. For example, the one CC poster that both ChoatieMom and I have in common.
You will find a few families (maybe more) at your son’s school of choice that you become friends with, but I think you will find the connection between you and your child starts within and can become the foundation for the connection with you and your child’s school community.
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We’ve connected to several families thru oldest kids friends. Due to Covid we hosted several international kids last Spring who had to wait to return home etc.
The school sends out great communication about what is going on.
With our youngest who connected with another student who lives less than an hour away, we’ve met the family a few times. Covid makes things harder.
Schools also have family weekends where you may/may not connect with other parents. And we have volunteered for several things so have met ( via Zoom) and in person parents in that regard.
We live in New England so most of the connections we’ve made have been local and two of the kids’ friends are international. We haven’t met the international parents in person but via Zoom.
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FWIW – my DD2’s school she joined this fall (across country from us) has a parents organization and I’ve gotten friendly with some of the parents that way (zoom). I don’t know how it would be different in non-covid times where we could travel to school and meet people in person. But if I had to guess what things could look like over 4 years, I would guess that we would be friendly with a few families, both on our own through parent meetings, and through my daughter’s friends. (For example, her roommate’s family connected with us around move-in time. They were pretty local to school, and we are across the country, so they offered to help out our DD with logistics and such.)
But the days of me knowing all about the ins and outs of my kids’ social lives probably ended when I stopped being room mom in elementary school. Sigh.
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My kids go to two different schools in MA as day students and I feel totally disconnected and wish there was more parent involvement. My husband I go to most of the games so I suppose we get to know and hang out with lots of parents during games but that’s about it. Other parents have also complained that, while we surely get plenty of email updates, as @ChoatieMom says the whole point is that the parents really aren’t involved. It can surely be a shock if you are coming from a close knit school school with lots of parent volunteers as we were. I knew all my kids’ friends and all their parents, only to be thrust into a world where my older daughter had boyfriends I never met.
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I should add that DH and I sat on the Parent Advisory Council at Choate for three years and, even with those parents, we only connected during meetings. I think for most, BS isn’t much about parent-to-parent relationships.
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Agree with you @ChoatieMom.
Probably some of that is due to it being BS, and some is due to it being HS.
I agree with the posts above. We aren’t particularly connected to many Cate parents, though I have connected to Cate parents through CC. The school does have some programs to welcome in new parents, but it can be a challenge.
I find out what is happening on campus generally through weekly communications and zoom meetings. We communicate with his advisor. While the school emphasizes community, and includes parents in that, there is a conscious effort to build something separate from the parents. That is the point, as people have said.
We talk with kiddo once a week and text a bit.
We had an international friend of kiddo stay with us over spring break. That was sooooooo great.
I forced kiddo to go through his class directory and tell me something about everyone, so I would know who he was talking about. I watch just about every video the school posts, especially the student talks. I have to ask really pointed questions to find out how he is spending his time. I chalk that up to being a teen.
He did this super cool thing for a present for his dad - he had about 10 of his friends record themselves answering questions about themselves- so we could get to know them. It was awesome. Best present ever. I totally think it would be a great thing to do for an art class or something. It really helped us feel connected.
It sounds harsh, the separation. It is really hard. Not going to lie. There have been lots of tears here. But the upside is, when they come home, they are still your kid. They appreciate you more and you appreciate them more. And you get to marvel at how they are developing into the most amazing version of themselves. You maybe wouldn’t notice the change so much if they were with you every day? It’s that positive evolution that has made bs worth it for us.
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Some avenues:
- Family Weekend, especially Kid’s 1st year, and admission Revisit Days (non-COVID years);
- Sports competitions, cultural events (arts, music, drama); other school competitions on or off-campus;
- School-arranged parents events in various cities;
- Meeting Kid’s friends’ parents, for example, when classmates are vacationing together;
- Facebook Parent community pages;
- Parent outreach calls (parents calling other parents at the behest of the school to answer questions/concerns);
- CC Prep Forum.
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At our school we have been making a real concerted effort to be a community to the parents, as well as the kids. I know when my mom dropped me off at BS in 1984 and drove back home to Alabama, she didn’t see me until Thanksgiving and never had the chance to meet another parent at the school until baccalaureate evening years later. That shouldn’t happen in this day and age - and if there is a bright side to COVID, it’s that we have all learned that ZOOM can be a stand-in for in-person interactions.
We have a subcommittee of our parents’ committee that is solely focused on building engagement opportunities for parents, both those fortunate enough to come to campus (even occasionally) and those living a continent (or more) away. We host tailgates and receptions after sporting events and recitals, have a raft of programming at Family weekend, have class happy hours on Zoom and in person, and do one-on-one outreach/mentorship with prospective families and stay with them as they become enrolled families. I am hoping for formalize this last program in the coming months. That said, many families don’t want or need to be involved, and that’s fine too. Your mileage may vary. Personally I have really enjoyed the friendships I’ve built on the sidelines, and even with alum from other classes who are now also parents - we have an especially neat bond. Finally, we also try to gather local families together when possible; for example, I host a dinner for incoming 9th grade families in our area in late summer, so that not just the kids but also the parents have some familiar faces to see once school starts; we also chat back and forth on email and text as needed.
Hope that helps.
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Do some boarding schools actually have these? I was wondering about that as I belong to the one for my older dc college. It is very helpful at times and very anxiety and cringe inducing other times. Our boarding school does not have one as far as I know.
I agree with all the rest, almost all events at our school are open to community and some are extremely well attended, and a lot of parents seem to be quite involved and know everyone on campus, including some who live quite far away (now that I think of it some are likely alums). Like someone else said, you can certainly be involved if you want to be, whether on campus or locally/virtually. Of course, you can also choose otherwise.
Ours does not. We have discussed doing one, but there are outstanding issues around role of school administrators, moderating (whether and who), private vs public (for the benefit of prospective families, etc. My son’s college has one and it has been quite helpful for info sharing, although in 2020 it did devolve several times into sniping over the school’s pandemic response and some rather heated/pointed comments that became politicized. What had been a supportive place to ask how to order birthday cupcakes and control ants in the horrific freshmen dorms became a somewhat polarized community where those who supported the school’s approach to controlling the virus and those who felt it overstepped and impeded personal freedoms dominated all conversation. And that’s what I believe some at the boarding school fear: loss of control.
Haha at least this forum hasn’t gone that way yet…
My DC’s school has a parent community Facebook page.
There has been little communication on it.
At Lville, there are a lot of opportunities for parents to get involved in school life, even those who live far away. It actually surprised me quite a bit because I feel like boarding school is a good time for kids to spread their wings on their own, without parents hovering. It is clear that a lot of parents make friends with each other in those volunteer roles. Having said that, there may be no correlation between the parent friends you make and your kids friends.
Normally parents weekend is a good time to meet other families as well, but since parent’s weekend was virtual this year, we didn’t have that opportunity. My husband did chat with another father for several hours on move in day, but since I was busy moving kiddo in (only one parent was allowed in the dorm due to covid), I was only able to say a brief hello to other parents.
This year a second form (freshman) mom has organized weekly zoom meetings with the parents so we can at least start to get to know each other that way. I do wish we had a parents facebook page, but the school is not open to having one.
Interestingly, we just met a school family while walking our dog in our neighborhood. Because school is remote, they rented a house down the street to get away from the cold weather up north.
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Andover’s PSPA (Parents of Students at Phillips Academy) has a FB page, but the PSPA is a pretty organized, long-standing, official (feeling?) group. It has officers, etc. Better than nothing, but nothing like the kind of family-family bonding you get at local schools.