How Do You/Did You Keep From Being a Helicopter Parent to Your College Bound Kid?

My daughter is very early in the college process, as she will be entering high school in the fall. However, I’m already feeling anxious just reading these posts on “average excellent” kids and those kids who have straight A’s, excellent EC’s, and still aren’t getting accepted to the colleges where they applied.

My daughter is your standard over-achieving, smart and sweet kid. Even in the eighth grade, she is taking advanced classes and bringing home hours and hours of homework. She also spends many hours on her EC’s. I find that I am helping her out a lot more than my mother helped me at that age, just because my daughter has such a small amount of free time, and is usually exhausted during that free time. I don’t want to coddle her, but I don’t want her to crack from exhaustion. I know that next year in high school, things will get even busier and she will have virtually no free time.

I have a neighbor whose daughter was very successful in high school both academically and sports-wise. My neighbor required nothing of the daughter around the house…she did her daughter’s laundry, packed her lunch, cleaned her room - everything. I used to be amazed and a bit judgemental that my neighbor did all of that for her daughter, but now I can see how and why she did it. Her daughter had no spare time. And to boot, her daughter got a full ride and is playing her sport at a great college, so I guess my neighbor’s “helicopter parent” method worked out for her.

I’d like to strike a balance with my daughter in high school. I really want her to learn important life skills (cleaning, laundry, etc.) and chip in around our house…but I also want her to focus on her grades and EC’s to maximize her future success at college admissions, especially since getting into college is SO competitive now. Do any of you have success stories on how you were able to strike this balance - having your child be an excellent student and also learn/do “everyday stuff” at home? Or is it better to do as my neighbor did and just be the concierge of my child’s life, and hope that it all works out for college admissions?

I think is a huge difference in the definition of “helicopter” mom and the "concierge"mom that you describe. I have raised 3 successful kids much like you describe and am definitely guilty of being the concierge mom and don’t regret it at all. This approach allowed my kids to focus on themselves, their grades, their activities and their development. I could care less if they make their beds or take out the trash. They were all able to learn to do that on their own, without me harassing them about it. They are grateful of the way they were raised, and they tell me that!
I know quite a few helicopter moms who keep complete tabs on the kid’s homework, grades and sports, practically doing everything for the kid, of that nature. I even know someone that knows every detail of every assignment her kids have and practically does it all for them…and these kids are in college! I wouldn’t do that, grades, sports, activities should be self motivating things. I view my concierge status as a supportive role, to help the child achieve excellence.

The one thing even a “concierge” parent should do, in my opinion, is force the kid to get a driver’s license before graduating from high school, no matter how much effort it takes for both the parent and child and no matter how much time it takes away from other things.

Some day, your kid will really need to know how to drive.

@momofmykids Thanks for the reply! I think you are right and there is a difference between a helicopter mom and a concierge mom (I wish I could change the thread title). And I know helicopter moms just like you describe. I try not to get that involved, but I must admit to checking my daughter’s grade portal every other day, just to make sure she doesn’t have any missing assignments. I’m happy to hear that your kids did great with the “concierge” method, because it looks like that might be the way I need to approach my daughter’s high school years.

And remember to let your daughter be a kid! She needs to have some fun and not feel pressured all the time. If she doesn’t get into a tippy top school, she’ll still be fine.

@Marian I agree. I’m rather surprised at the number of older teenagers and young adults that don’t have their drivers licenses. I loved the feeling of independence that my driver’s license gave me as a 16 year old.

@MaineLonghorn Thanks! I guess the “excellent average” thread just had me worried that even the lesser known, not “tippy-top” colleges are going to get harder and harder to get into over the next few years.

Between outrageous costs and a declining student population, I don’t think colleges below the top tier will become more difficult to gain admittance. I cut my kids some slack so they could focus on grades, ACT prep, sports, and their livestock. Still mowed 4 acres a week and did trash though, plus a lot of other jobs in the summer. I will admit S1 and D sometimes used the excuse to their advantage. S1 did get a full-ride, so I can’t say it didn’t pay off. D has signficant LDs, so she has an excuse too. I don’t regret it.

+1 to the drivers ed. That’s a must in our household. No public transportation in my rural area, and I was gleeful to ditch the Mom Taxi.

I think you have to decide what you want your child’s HS years to be like. What things are important to your family and what things does your D want to do on her own, without pushing or nudging from you.

My S was diligent about his homework and took mostly the highest level classes, but he didn’t really join many clubs or cure cancer or start new clubs etc. He played a sport one season and was in one musical group that practiced once a week. And he got into a pretty selective college, not an Ivy, but that was not our goal. Our goal was to get him into the school that was the right one for the kid he is.

Our D on the other hand, was a creative free spirit and had a lot of health issues in HS. It was clear she was not diligent about homework the way her brother was. But she could be absorbed in an art project or other endeavor that she liked. She did not like standardized testing and do not do well. She is on a gap year and is not even sure she wants to go away to college. And if she does, it will not be a school that is in the same league as our S’s. But that is the kid she is. (The “kid on the couch” to use CC lingo)

As far as being a concierge mom, again, you have to decide what is important. My S did not have a job during school because we felt his academic load was time consuming. My D wanted a job and we thought that was good for her.

They had to do some chores, although not as many as I wanted. S kept track of his assignments; I did check the portal but I bit my tongue and hardly ever asked about assignments. He had to learn to budget his time.

D asked for help and had exec function issues, so I did sit with her and help her schedule things, with the goal of doing less and less each year.

Please don’t make the goal of HS to be getting into a particular college or college in general. Those are 4 important years to discover what kind of kid you have. My S was not going to be a kid who started clubs, no matter how much I thought it would have helped him.

I am neither the helicopter mom nor the concierge mom, but, as my daughter told me recently (thanks AP Psych), my parenting methods have changed over the years and is now one that is “permissive” and she appreciates it and understands now why it was different previously. My goal is to send off to college a very independent young adult. So, while I make allowances for when she is very busy and needs a “pass” on certain things, I’ve had a long list of things that I need her to be able to do on her own before I send her off to college. So, no, I am not doing everything for her. In fact, I do very little for her right now. She drives herself where she needs to go (and makes sure the car is clean, oil changed, and has gas), works, budgets her money, cleans her room, does her own laundry, etc. Learning to balance is a huge part of growing up and is required to be a successful, independent adult. I cannot tell you how many kids were at my university that did not know how to do very basic things for themselves. It was shameful, in my opinion. I have not even checked my D’s grades since freshman year (she is a junior). At the end of each semester, we go to lunch and I ask her how her semester went and she tells me how she did. We also discuss what she can do differently next semester, as appropriate. For example, this semester’s talk focused on better sleeping habits. That’s good enough for me. She knows my expectations (which are very high) and has high expectations for herself.

My youngest, a girl who turns 18 tomorrow, is a HS senior. Parents (including me) of current HS seniors are appalled at how many of the kids are stressed, unhappy, and going to therapists. It’s a good HS in a community of overachieving parents, and the kids feel pressure from all around to achieve, achieve, achieve. They turn their noses up at the idea of going to the University of Maine, even though it’s perfectly fine for a lot of students.

My daughter sounds SO much like yours. Sweet, hardworking, etc. I thought she was perfectly happy until her Girl Scout leader called me this past summer to say that she thought my daughter should see a therapist. I was shocked and a little offended, but I swallowed my pride and found a good therapist. And you know what? The Girl Scout leader was right! My sweet, hardworking daughter has struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for a couple of years, but managed to cover it all up.

Starting in the fall, I made a conscious effort to back off on the constant badgering, and she’s much happier. She’s been getting her work done and gotten some nice scholarship offers from good schools.

Sorry to preach, but I’ve seen a lot after having three kids go through public high school. A lot of kids are struggling these days.

I am not a helicopter mom or a concierge mom. When my kids were growing up they took out the trash and cleaned the kitchen after dinner. They all learned to do a load of laundry, got drivers licenses and learned how to take care of themselves. They learned how to make their own appointments and manage their own schedules. They all took Honors and AP classes.

They played sports, participated in music and other EC activities. They did community service. My middle son gave drum lessons. My oldest coached football and lacrosse. My youngest works for a standardized testing coaching company. Oldest is graduated from college. Middle is still in college. Youngest is still in high school.

For us the object of high school was/is to get them ready for college and to make sure that they graduate with a degree. We did not focus on prestigious colleges. Our oldest went to Case Western. Our middle is at Belmont University. Our youngest is focusing on more prestigious school and I am not that happy about that.

I checked grades and asked questions if I saw something out of line but I didn’t badger them about grades or micromanage their life in any way. The middle son needed some help getting organized his freshman year so we TAUGHT him how to keep himself organized rather than just doing it for him.

I’m speaking from a student, not parent perspective.

My parents didn’t hover. They weren’t involved in my college process. I did just fine. So did most of my friends in the same situation.

But more than that, my parents stopped being my servants in middle school. On a very rare occasion, my mom would do my laundry and if I wanted to eat with them then they’d make me food otherwise I was on my own. And so on. I survived and really, everyone can make time. I promise.

You may get lots of good advice from the book “how to raise an adult” written by a former Dean of Stanford who has two teenage kids herself, regarding the balance you are talking about.

I was for sure a concierge mom. My kids never touched a washing machine before going to school and my older daughter had laundry service at school thanks to her grandmother. When she was going overseas a lot of people issued her semi dire warnings about trying to do her laundry when she’d never learned. She called me after doing her first load and was like " I don’t understand why all these people made it out to be a big deal. I spent 10 minutes reading laundry tips on the web and then poured some detergent in a machine after sorting darks and lights. like it’s just not hard!"

Thank you everyone! So much good advice here!!

@MaineLonghorn - our daughters do sound alike. My daughter could be stressed to the max and no one would ever know. I’m glad your daughter is getting help:)

Rather than be a concierge, I tried to be a supportive and consistent base. When D was in HS, she had chores in addition to having to pick up after herself, but she did chores that could be done on her timetable (as long as they got done). We gave her a pass on occasion, just as H or I would want for ourselves when we had a particularly bad work week. If she wanted to live with an unmade bed and messy room, that was her problem. Sometimes if I knew she had a lot of homework, I’d make her lunch for the next day. But most of the time, I just brought her a cup of tea & gave her a shoulder rub. We didn’t pay for A’s, but we would go out to dinner as a family at the end of each grading period to acknowledge her hard work. As @maya54’s daughter discovered, most household tasks don’t really take that long. Until we grow up, many of us spend more time dreading/shirking them than actually doing them!

People vary a lot in their need for spare time, but although I understand the need to keep kids busy, I would never recommend a kid have no spare time at all. No full ride is worth that. Down time is where kids have the mental space to daydream and process the events in their very busy lives.

Do start driver’s ed as soon as possible so your kid can get lots of practice time. I know an ivy league grad who never got around to getting his license – his first job out of school involved lots of travel, and not being able to rent a car was a hassle.

The kids who have straight A’s, excellent EC’s, and still aren’t getting accepted to the colleges where they applied didn’t apply to the right set of schools. Our goal as parents should not be to produce hothouse flowers that only thrive under perfect conditions but rather capable and resilient humans who will do good and be good (not just be happy).

I was pretty much the concierge. But my kids did go off to college knowing how to drive, cook, clean and do laundry. They would pitch in to do chores when I asked them to, I generally didn’t ask. The kids were busy in high school, not hanging out watching TV or playing video games. I did get the older one to take the younger one places when necessary, so maybe that counts as a chore.

I did stress being considerate. Like I would do the laundry, but the kid had to bring it downstairs and put it in the machine. That has paid off. I had a period when I couldn’t drive/lift etc due to surgery and younger child was more than happy to pitch in with chores, even ones he had never had to do, such as grocery shopping.

Like many of the posters above, what mattered to me was a gradual shift from me being in charge of them to them being in charge of themselves.

I find the disinterest in driving and cars that I see in some young adults inexplicable, too.

I have a 30-year-old son who has never owned a car and sees no need to own one, even though he lives in a suburb and earns enough so that he could easily afford to buy and maintain a car.

Sometimes I think he must be an alien from another planet.

You will notice transitions from middle to HS. Less parental involvement expected by the school, it becomes signing off on the kid’s chosen schedule by senior year- hopefully with being told why they chose the classes they did.

Likewise the daily tasks evolve as your child continues to mature into an adult. Doing laundry with folding and putting it away evolved into washing/drying son’s laundry but leaving it in a basket to fold, take to his room for our son. That happened when he was ignoring the basket of clean folded laundry taken upstairs. I do remember college home breaks where laundry was finally done the morning of the return day (and some trips to the laundry room to get clothes that hadn’t made it into the washing machine but were deemed okay to wear).

Definitely be sure she learns how to do laundry, make a bed, clean a bathroom and kitchen et al. We eventually left his bathroom alone except for my routine whole house cleaning- I couldn’t stand to leave it. Son didn’t want us in his dorm room or apartment when we were being chauffeurs but that was his, not our home. He knew HOW to do things even if he never did them.

More freedom and flexibility in meals is also useful with busy schedules. Learning how to fix quick stuff, reheat food and perhaps devise one’s own meals instead of a rigid family dinner time. I remember eons ago as a teen that we always had a big midday Sunday meal and supper was whatever/whenever anyone felt like it.

Definitely the driver’s license. Tough with busy schedules- but our son got his before going off to college while still 16. Improved his driving skills later when he was driving more.

Expect to know what/who regarding your child’s schedule, teachers,extracurricular activities, friends. Do not expect to know them. We couldn’t helicopter our son because he wouldn’t let us. Do pay attention to report cards. A student can have top grades that fall a bit without triggering any concern from the school. A’s could become B’s due to lifestyle changes. Do monitor computer use- this is the age teens experiment with websites they shouldn’t. A good idea (and don’t announce it) to review internet histories on devices.

There will be changes in your D as she reaches for independence, her hormones rage, etc. Be there for her as a child still needs parents. Do not worry about being a helicopter mom- since you’re already aware of it. Of course your D will think you are interfering but you can always continue to check with other parents to see what may be the norm.