<p>Everyone talks about how helicopter parents are bad for teens. What about college kids?
<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/02/how-helicopter-parents-are-ruining-college-students/">http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/02/how-helicopter-parents-are-ruining-college-students/</a></p>
<p>I think the article understates the real extent of the problem these days. Many parents have sadly become addicted to online grade access and email communication with teachers to keep tabs on their kids throughout high school - well beyond the point where such hovering is needed or helpful for their child’s development. So of course it’s then difficult for them to let go when the kids move on to college. </p>
<p>Sadly enough I know many parents of otherwise very successful students who attained great college acceptances, and yet the parents still insist that they must have access to their student’s online grades. I try to caution them that college grades don’t mimic high school progress and often times early and even mid-term grades will be very low - but throughout the semester a student can fight through challenges and wind up at the top of their class.</p>
<p>I remember being there myself way back when, and was happy my son trusted me and my husband enough to confide when he was afraid of flunking a high level physics class last semester (as a freshman). We told him just do your best and don’t be afraid if you have to retake the class. He wound up finishing 2nd in the class (of mostly juniors & seniors). What a confidence boost, and what a travesty it would have been had his parents been helicoptering and freaking out when he “almost” failed that midterm! </p>
<p>Parents please . . . give your kids the space to succeed or fail. Encourage and love them for taking risks. That’s what college is for. </p>
<p>(and thanks to both OP and @sally305 for highlighting this provocative piece!)</p>
<p>As pointed out by the one set of parents interviewed for the article, it is crucial to teach your child from a young age how to be independent and make good decisions. A commonality I’ve noticed in the helicopter parents of college-aged kids that I know is that they were quite busy and stressed while their kids were growing up. Very often it’s much safer, more reliable, and generally easier to do things ourselves rather than to let our kids do it. So the busy parents too often choose the easy way of just taking charge of the tasks so they can cross them off their long to-do list and move on. But their kids miss out on learning opportunities. Then all of sudden the awareness hits the parent that their son or daughter is not well-prepared to be out on his or her own, so they panic and helicopter. </p>
<p>Hmmm. When people lived in multigenerational family homes, was this also a big problem? I agree that there is probably an increase in overinvolved parenting, but I also think that instantaneous electronic communication is simply changing the ways families function and communicate. If my daughter calls me as she’s walking across campus to complain that the dining hall was out of tea, is that overdependence? Or is it just that she feels comfortable making conversation in the same way she did when we lived in the same house?</p>
<p>I don’t speak with my college student enough to know how many of her fellow students are being “helicoptered.” I have the impression that they’re all very busy. </p>
<p>It’s a newspaper article. They found some psychiatrists to advertise their counseling services in the article. Said psychiatrists may have books about to be published. Yes, I’m cynical. </p>
<p>It does no good to look back to Ye Olde Days, when no one had a cell phone. What’s the standard of “good” college student/parent communication today? While many pundits get misty-eyed about the days of a shared payphone in the hallway, those days are gone. I reckon a student without a smart phone these days might miss important announcements and updates from teachers, fellow students, and the college. </p>
<p>I would love to see some hard figures on how many parents these days are helicopter parents. I think there have always been nutty parents. </p>
<p>@Hunt - I totally agree. If you had the kind of relationship with your child at home where they talked to you regularly about the mundane things (which I loved) then they will most likely want to continue. I am 54 years old and my mom died Dec 2012. Until her death, I still called her 2-3 times a day - usually about the most mundane thing but mostly just to talk. Was I overdependent? No. That’s just the relationship we had and the one my daughter grew up witnessing. She called her grandma every night until she moved in with us in hospice and then it wasn’t necessary.</p>
<p>I say all this to say that I think it’s great that your daughter calls you as she is walking across campus to tell you they are out of tea. Mine will call to say that they did not have a good vegan option for lunch so she ate vegetarian. Is she complaining? No, just sharing. Some may see it another way. So be it.</p>
<p>“I agree that there is probably an increase in overinvolved parenting, but I also think that instantaneous electronic communication is simply changing the ways families function and communicate. If my daughter calls me as she’s walking across campus to complain that the dining hall was out of tea, is that overdependence? Or is it just that she feels comfortable making conversation in the same way she did when we lived in the same house”</p>
<p>Yes, this is exactly it. It’s only helicoptering if it’s an expectation. </p>
<p>I daresay maybe in our day we would have had more of those chats with our parents about the everyday stuff, but we simply didn’t because the technology wasn’t there (no email, no text, phone calls were expensive and happened once a week and covered mostly Very Important Stuff). But that’s not to say it was “better” then. It was just different. </p>
<p>My dad used to travel overseas to Asia for 6 weeks at a time. He got one phone call home a week for just a few minutes, during which he pretty much ascertained that my mom, sister and I were still alive and the house was still standing and beyond that … gotta go. Me, I can travel to Asia and I might not have phone access, but I can email and text happily away at any time, as well as share pictures or status on Facebook. I don’t want to turn back the clock on that technology. </p>
<p>Extreme behaviors are never positive, but the opposite of over involvement is under involvement by parents. Is that alternative better? </p>
<p>Fwiw, I caught a glimpse on TV about a college that started an office to deal with helicopter parents. Academia never seem to waste an opportunity to justify the existence of more worthless admins. </p>
<p>More silly research to come! </p>
<p>Maybe if parents were not paying between $200 and $400 for each and every weekday for Johnny to be at school they wouldn’t be so darn invested in the outcome. </p>
<p>Ha, we did have one recent incident. S is now an RA and there was a question about whether RA’s get XYZ free. S said he checked into it and the answer was no. H turned almost reflexively to me and said, “That doesn’t seem right. Why don’t you call them tomorrow and find out.” I laughed and said no - I’m not calling the RA program as PGson’s mommy to find out this piece of info! We all agreed and laughed at it. I don’t know, was that “helicoptery” or just a reflexive “PG knows how to get s*** done” mindset?</p>
<p>@Pizzagirl - you are right. When I was in college we had one phone in the room that we paid for. Long distance calls were expensive and the four of us had to sit down each month and figure out our portion of the bill. One of my roommates called her boyfriend at Texas A&M daily from New Haven, the bill was astronomical.</p>
<p>I called home once a week, if that.</p>
<p>Remember those things called letters? Ever wrote one to your parents, put it in a envelope with a stamp, and mailed it? This is what modern texting and email is - at a lower cost “per transaction” 
</p>
<p>34 years ago, my friends and I found it quite amusing that one of us not only had a phone in her room, but used it to call her parents once a week! We attributed this to her being “a sweet Catholic girl.”</p>
<p>My D has been at college for not quite two weeks now, and we have texted daily, emailed frequently, had at least 4 phonecalls, and Skyped for an hour once. Or in other words, we are doing many of the same things we did before she left. The only difference is the Skype call.</p>
<p>It doesn’t feel odd or overprotective. It just feels like we want to maintain our relationship with our kid. As someone wrote, modern technology has changed the way families work. I like it.</p>
<p>Speaking reflexively, I am openly wondering about my generation’s parenting rules. </p>
<p>From the news about little kids dying into the backseats of car in horrible sets of coincidences to “nice” people reporting teenagers playing outside “without” supervision, I wonder what our life will be? Will we be supposed to be present 24 hours a day or risk the wrath of bystanders armed with a cell phone who are all too willing to report apparent dereliction of parents. Will we be responsible for most of the well-being of the kiddos, including not only their health but also their education as the school continue to produce a nation of poorly prepared kids? Will be responsible for their financial well-being from a few decades sandwiched by a so-called college education? </p>
<p>And, when dropping the kiddos at the “inexpensive” XYZ.edu, having to go to a 12-step program “suggested” by the Parents’ Office that will include separation classes and the message that, safe and except to be responsible for the bills, I should not expect to have direct contacts with the school or access to medical or academic files. My contact from the school will however have to include accepting the multiple cold calling for donations as I have become an alumni by proxy! </p>
<p>That transition from full-time cop and nanny to abandoning the “package” at the college doorsteps really seems confusing to me! Good news is that I have a few decades to get used to the new expectations of strangers! </p>
<p>I was in awe recently meeting with a friend for coffee - a very good friend whose S2 graduated high school the same year that my S did. My S graduated May 2010, hers did not. Was a very good high school student but has BARELY skirted through college. His GPA is low enough that he cannot graduate in his intended (initially) field. Still needs 28 credits to graduate in “something” - basically she just wants him to walk away with a degree. Throughout the first 4 years she would constantly tell me about what tests he had when, texts she waited for after tests or papers would be returned, etc. I myself only knew about tests if S chose to share - which he did often - but I would never keep score of his grades etc. or expect him to report back. His happy attitude at home on breaks after exams and checking his grades was enough for me to know he was doing well. </p>
<p>Her S planned on going back to his college this fall to take classes. August 1st rolled around and he had done nothing to schedule those classes. It wasn’t until she made him get in the car around Aug. 15 that he went with her and scheduled partially for the semester. He is 22!!! He did not have firm living arrangements and figured he would just throw an inflatable mattress at some buddies place. When his mom realized that he could get kicked out of that place (and possibly get the roommates in trouble for violating their lease) she took it upon herself to call the landlord and plead for him to allow her S to live there. Very hard for me to understand. At 22, he is going to have to take the steps to either succeed or fail - he will survive, but he MUST be the one to make these calls, appointments and decisions about his future. </p>
<p>The helicoptering seems to be getting him no where. It may get him a piece of paper with a degree of some sort by spring, but he has no idea what he wants to do, has a poor GPA, poor responsibility, etc. What kind of position is that putting him for for life AFTER college??? </p>
<p>
Back home with Mom.</p>
<p>Which honestly Hunt, is what she would probably love - she would also love him to be employed at a successful job - hard to do with a less than stellar resume…</p>
<p>Sounds like a classic “Mama’s Boy.” Those have been around forever.</p>
<p>When I attended “Parents’ Orientation” at UT-Austin in 2010, the message, “Don’t be a helicopter parent!” was repeated multiple times in every session! They just drilled it into us. Don’t know if it worked, though</p>
<p>Now I HAVE to be a helicopter parent due to my son’s illness and it’s hard. I always feel like saying, “I’m not always like this!” I have to say, though, the profs have all been so understanding and kind. One even shared about her mental illness diagnosis when she was a teenager.</p>
<p>I think perhaps the biggest sign of true helicoptering is not how much you talk to your kid, but how much you talk to other people to address your kid’s problems (such as professors, RAs, the dean, etc.).</p>