<p>I'm posting in the parent forum because (surprise!) I'd like parental input. </p>
<p>I have a helicopter parent (of sorts). My mom is not quite as extreme as schedule my classes for me, but she does exhibit that trend such as claiming she's going to call the school and loudly protest -- or even withdraw my enrollment -- if I don't get (her) first choice dorm, saying she's going to bring our RV and camp out near my school every few weeks "to be closer to me" -- and the school is 8 driving hours away from home! </p>
<p>I'm the first born and my mom confides a lot in me. I appreciate that trust. However, how do I tell my mom to back off and let me do this myself without massively hurting her feelings? I feel a need to grow up in my own way and on my own terms, but every time I try to take off on my own, she takes it as a personal rejection. I don't know how to convey both independence and love at the same time.</p>
<p>I'd wait until she actually attempts one of these tricks before making an issue. When she calls to say she's coming for the weekend, tell her you have plans, tests, road trip, etc.</p>
<p>I had a friend who was from SoCal. She insisted on going to NoCal for college in order to spread her wings. Except that her dad flew up every single weekend to be with her, thus totally ruining her social life. The minute she graduated, she decamped for Europe and has lived there ever since.</p>
<p>Can you tell your mom that you would appreciate her giving you the chance to sort things out first but that you promise to ask for help if things don't go right at first try? Can you suggest to her that this is a way for you to get to know your profs, deans, etc... better, and you welcome the chance of dealing with them yourself. Down the line, you will require them to write recs for you, and you want to be able to make a good impression on them. You want to show them that you are capable, poised and mature. Do reassure your mom, though, that you will ask for her help if you run into difficulties.</p>
<p>As for visiting, could you show her your school calendar with parents' weekends, holidays when you will be coming home, etc... There may be more opportunities for you and her to be together than she is aware of. As well, since you are the elder, presumably, she will also need to take care of your younger siblings. Finally, show her your midterm and final exam schedules. There will be times when you will be swamped with work and will not have the time to devote to a visiting parent. With these in mind, you could make up a schedule of visits that will work for both of you. Good luck!</p>
<p>DP - As a university VP for Student Affairs, I try to impress upon parents during Orientation that learning to find ways around roadblocks and solve their own problems is one of the greatest learning outcomes that students experience in college. For someone to deprive you of the opportunity to learn how to appropriately advocate for your own needs is not too dissimilar from them taking your calculus final for you. Actually it's far worse, because you'll probably need to utilize those self-advocacy skills more often during your lifetime than you will calculus skills. There will be people at your college - the Dean of Students, the Director of the residence hall in which you live, perhaps your academic advisor - who will be there to coach you through that process. When I do it, I don't pick up the phone and argue a student's case for them, but I hear out their points of view, advise them regarding what's reasonable and what's not, and help them make appointments with the key people they need to see to resolve a concern. Try explaining to your mom how this works, and see if she can see the educational and developmental value in letting you be your own person rather than handling all your needs.</p>
<p>I advise you to tell your mom that you love her and will miss her and that you appreciate the way that she has raised you....so you could grow into an independent adult. Explain that it is because of her upbringing that you are now capable of managing housing, grading, living issues on your own and that, if you need her advice, you will certainly call her. But that it is now time for you to spread your wings and take care of yourself!</p>
<p>I don't know about the camping thing, but I will tell you that I was happy to have my mother protest when I was a freshman. I was in a large U and I had no room assignment, or roomate. They told me that I would be sleeping in a corridor for a few weeks and then I would get a room, or be moved to a hotel. My mother called up housing and asked for the supervisor. She told the supervisor that if you cannot handle this # of students you should not have accepted them. She went on to say that she wants her D focusing on school, and not where to hang her clothes, packing, and moving. She added that she is paying a lot for tuition, r and b (much less than today)and expects a room assignment. That did it, and all of a sudden a dorm room opened up. I know that my advocating for myself along with many many other students was not going to get me a room, but a person writing the check, and with a few more years of experience in finding their way through red tape got the job done. Having a more protective parent can come in handy sometimes. Naturally, the school would have wanted mom not to interfere, and I would have been sleeping in some hallway and living out of a suitcase. I would have found that depressing.</p>
<p>As somewhat of a helicopter mom myself, maybe your mom is concerned that you will cut her out of your life and she won't be needed anymore. Maybe she is feeling at loose ends or maybe she is a tiny bit envious too. I know that when I went to parent orientation I was both very excited for d , but also alittle nostalgic while remembering the incredible 4 years I spent at the same University many years ago. I certainly don't want to be back in college, but sometimes I do yearn for a time when I wasn't the one wondering about 401Ks, tuition payments, and such.
My advice is that you try to be sure to send your mom lots of email or snail mail letting her know about your new friends, classes, etc. Sending pictures is great too, but be sure you remove the ones showing the beer pong and jello shots!
Good luck!</p>
<p>I have mixed feeling about how "overly involved" parents are often bashed. My S went to a very poor public high school. They were constantly doing something outrageously stupid (imagine the dumbest thing that you would ever imagine happening and then multiply by 10). My involvement was necessary in order for him to get thru the experience and get into a "good" college. He appreciated my help because the students had no status in that environment. My S is going to college this Fall, and I am thrilled that I no longer have to be involved.</p>
<p>Back to the OP, could you say that your parent's involvement is making you the butt of jokes? The parents of your friends don't come by all the time trying to see their kids, and they think it is kinda strange?</p>
<p>Ohio_mom, Absolutely a true story! I had not thought about it in years, til my mother brought it up when I was talking about college choices for my own son.</p>
<p>Housing officials try hard to make it work out statistically as to how many bodies and how many beds. If they underfill (and/or kids do not show) that is income they do not have. Expenses remain the same, and rates rise to make up for costs. So, they tend to overfill, knowing some kids will not come and some will leave school quite early (homesick, money, girlfriend/boyfriend, illness, culture shock, etc). Hopefully it shakes out to where everyone has a bed in a room the appropriate size. Probably northeastmom got a bed in a room because one had come open, though her mom's call may have put her first in line.</p>
<p>When I got to college, I was housed in a room that had two beds but only one desk. Clearly, the college had goofed. Eventually, we got rehoused in a different dorm that had two beds, two closets, two sets of drawers and two desks. In Boston, every year, we get stories of freshmen from BU or NE being housed in luxury hotels because there was insufficient dorm space. But I've never heard of students being expected to sleep in corridors!</p>
<p>Oh, they were going to move me to a hotel, the corridor was to be for a few days to a week. It is pretty upsetting not to have a room, and know you are moving into a hotel at the beginning of school, and knowing that you will move again. I have know idea about how the room opened up. It is possible that there was a no show. I always thought of it as they were saving the spot for a last minute international student because I did end up with a roomate that was an international student. </p>
<p>I was really taking it in stride at the time, and I would have let them put me up in the hotel etc.. My parents were much more angry about the situation. As I reflect, I am glad that my parents stepped in, and that I did not move several times. I was able to make friends and get settled. The first week in the dorm was a very exciting time, and I am glad that did not miss it.</p>
<p>Kluge, It was so many years ago so I don't recall. I do recall seeing beds in the halls, but that is all. They were moving these extra kids into a motel asap I think. I don't know how often this happens, but if it is you it is not pleasant. I got my room assignment on my first day so after that I was focused on meeting as many new people as possible, making friends, buying books, setting up a checking account, going to an orientation, etc.</p>
<p>I'm glad your parents sorted it out. If it were me and the school had not found a room right away, I would have next called the city fire marshall. Having kids sleeping in the hallways has to be a fire code violation - both in terms of over-occupancy and blocking escape routes.</p>
<p>I myself am fighting the urge to be a "helicopter" mom. My D's school has informed us that they are over extended for housing so her double room may be a triple or quad or she could be placed in an overflow room with 6 or more students. They are using common rooms in the dorms for housing. My concern is the extra competition for the showers etc. I guess we should just be glad she'll have a bed. There are 700 freshmen who did not get a dorm space. As for the OP, be honest with your mom. Let her know that you will call her and keep her informed of your life. Moms fear losing their kids and not knowing what is happening in their lives. I like the suggestion of planning ahead for visits so she and you both know when they are planned.</p>
<p>MomZ:
700 students without housing? That's more than the number of entering classes at most LACs!
In your present case, I would definitely urge you to intervene. YOU have been notified, and this situation should be addressed NOW before your student arrives on campus. If double rooms are turned into triples or quads, or if common rooms are turned into bedrooms, what are the provisions for drawer and closet spaces for the extra students in the rooms? What about desks?
These are not issues that individual students can advocate on their own to be fixed, and they will have plenty to deal with once school starts. It is not being a helicopter parent to ask for answers to unusual problems or to ask that they be fixed before students arrive on campus. Students have other things to do.
To give an example, my own S will have a battery of placement tests and meetings with academic advisors in the first week. I could not imagine him having to camp out in a common room and living out of suitcases, while also deaking with housing problems and focusing on what he will be expected to do on the academic front.</p>
<p>Marite, I agree with you and I have called the housing office. They claim to still be playing with the numbers. Move in day is Sept. 10th with housing info sent around August 19th. We are in a wait and see period now. Most of the 700 freshmen without on campus housing will be in off campus dorms. Some in private apts. One of Ds friends who delayed sending in housing application is in that boat. Until an actual housing assignment is sent I don't feel there is much I can do/and or argue about.</p>