I think you missed the point. The kid was certainly right that it was more important to do chores when the families entire economic stability depended on it. This doesn’t mean that the kid shouldn’t do his chores when it is less important. But it’s an acknowledgement that even innately lazy slacker kids will pull it together when they really have to. And that teens can recognize the difference between “gee it’s annoying when you don’t do your chores” important and “there will be a family crisis if you don’t do your chores” important.
The point is pretty obvious. But why what this previously well behaved, cooperative kid now meeting with a psychologist. Methinks there is more to this story than his not emptying the dishwasher. I don’t think I am the one missing the point.
Thing is, there’s less discretionary time on a farm, a more mandatory structure and some urgency. Animals need to be fed, etc, and many people lean on that, fill their time accordingly. I don’f find it unusual that, given a radical change in environment, there’s an adjustment needed. Not all hop to it.
There can be an issue for any of us. Think of the retirement conundrum. You can be happy about something and still need to be paced through the changes, reorient to the differences.
There are all sorts of examples where kids seem to magically get it- and other situations where they don’t. Yes, I’d wonder about depression. But I’d also work to make sure the kid understood his new role.
I prefer to thinking myself as “on call”. Not a helicopter and not a concierge but there when needed.
I will never, ever forget junior year of college, going with my then boyfriend to meet his mom. Who he promptly asked to iron his shirt. He didn’t know how to iron. That would’ve been unthinkable at my house. I ripped the short out of his hand and told him he was going to learn, right there and then.
He went on to do well in college, graduate from Northwestern Medical and has a successful practice. However he was not a partner at home. At the end of the day he wanted a concierge wife and that wasn’t me.
I’m not interested in raising boys like my ex husband (who is not their dad lol). They do their laundry, they know how to cook and clean. They have minimal chores but they do have them, I work full time and travel often and am not always there to cater to them. Nor do they need me to be. They are busy boys and while occasionally during a significant crunch time for an EC or school I may do more than usual, it’s not expected and is always appreciated.
I am out of town right now. Folks are with the boys. Perfectionist S19 waited until the night before to print something for a monster honors bio project that he has spent months working on.
Printer was out of ink. I’m on the other side of the country and only get a request to know where the ink may be. H is with me. Next day I find out that he never found the ink and hand wrote the entire project as a result.
I gently text back that perhaps the night before wasn’t the best time to print (our printer is generally hinky and unreliable even when it has ink) and that there were ways to have gotten him either ink, or other printing sources/options.
This is the response I got.
“I know. I was just stressed out and not thinking everything fully through. It was one of those situations where I wasn’t at my best, I was cranky, and just not being a helpful person to myself. I just wasn’t thinking. I should’ve done this before, I realise that, but there isn’t much I can do about it now. I just have to learn to live with what I got. Even if I don’t like what I’ve got. This isn’t your fault, it’s mine, yes. I am going to try to ask my teacher if I can bring my trifold home and type everything up, but not from a grading standpoint, but rather so that it’s actually visually appealing for BioExpo.”
I will take an empowered accountable student and human any day over perfect grades and scores. It will get him farther in every way possible.
That said…my S17 doesn’t yet have his license because wow…not mature enough. The kid terrifies me on the road, can you say “squirrel”!!!
Sending him back for more lessons from someone who isn’t myself or my H. I didn’t get my license until 18, worked out just fine.
I haven’t read through all the posts because threads like this just cause me a lot of anxiety. Parenting is not a competitive sport and there’s certainly more than one way to raise a healthy, well-balanced child. (And just as many to screw one up!)
For my older child, who was always very bright and completely oblivious, I thought of myself as a “personal assistant.” Rarely helped him with his homework; waited for the school to inform me of his grades, etc., but helped a lot with chores, etc. He’s been off to college for two years and is quite independent now. I do get a fair number of random texts asking me if his shoes can be washed with the rest of his clothes, and what our congressional district is, but he’s pretty much figured stuff out.
My other son would make a great “personal assistant,” as he’s better at most domestic stuff and keeping track of everybody’s calendars than most adults are, but he needs a LOT of oversight with regard to academics. I still don’t check homework or grades on my own, but I do remind him a LOT that the academic work he doesn’t do now, will likely come back to haunt him in the future.
The subject of driving, which has its own thread dedicated to it, was problematic with both my kids. The older had ZERO sense of direction and I just didn’t trust him to be aware enough of his surroundings until he was nearly 18. The younger, who could find his way home if you left him blindfolded in the woods, isn’t trustworthy. He’s got a very strong dishonest streak and I won’t give a car to a kid I don’t trust. He may never get a car of his own unless he can afford to buy one on his own one day.
Also, while I agree that being able to drive is a very important life skill, it’s also a luxury if you can’t afford to buy one or take lessons. I spent my HS years with no car in our family. There was no one to teach me and no car to drive, and I sure didn’t have the money for private lessons.
We have some decent connections but none have directly helped either kid. In no case, has it led to a job or internship, In our daughter’s case, our contacts in her field have been too high up to hel) (CEO of hospital, head of ophthalmology, former university president). They might help later on. In my son’s case, he only looked for a job once when he was graduating from college. Before that, he had gotten his own jobs as research assistant in a couple of departments in college. I did get him an introduction to a really well-known company but given his background (math/econ/psychology with no coding), the jobs they were offering him seemed (correctly) too narrow for a kid of his serious intellect. Although I suggested he get a job post-college, he chose to co-found a company during his senior year, which turned out to be a good choice. I was able to introduce him to a couple of people who were somewhat helpful to the company, but for the most part direct contacts were not a major help.
On the other hand, with both kids, my guidance on course choices, adding a math major to the planned econ major, whether to take a break between the BSN and MSN for my daughter, which graduate programs would make sense given my son’s interests and talents have, I (and they) think been incredibly valuable. Both consult me for advice about courses, jobs, careers, and other life issues [but that doesn’t mean they always follow my advice].
I thought this might be interesting given our earlier discussion.
http://qz.com/644491/a-stanford-dean-on-adult-skills-every-18-year-old-should-have.
^ Very good, very basic, and should be pinned. Those Stanford folks, if you dig, come out with some gems.
Love the article @shawbridge but maybe because my DS only has 1.5 of those to work on! Positive reinforcement for parents is always welcome.
I’m not thrilled with the article because the author doesn’t seem to understand that the current educational system has contributed to preventing kids from learning #7 and #8 – especially kids who aspire to highly selective schools. They may not have time to hold down jobs and still keep up with heavy schoolwork. And if they take risks and fail, they may shut themselves out of selective colleges. Stanford and its competitors are part of the problem.
Plenty of top kids do fit in a job. That, like internships and volunteer work doesn’t have to be in the adult terms of 40 hours, every week.
Well, one of D’s AP classes was a risk for her that failed. Somehow I can’t imagine the colleges are going to see the grade as proof she wasn’t over-helicoptered and is thus ready to take on adult responsibilities. I suspect they may see it as evidence she isn’t ready for college work. I’m with Marian.
My D has a friend who worked at the local library from the age of 14 until yesterday. She is 17 now, and an “average” excellent student. She is going to NYU, her top choice. Harkening to our friend in the other thread entitled, “Why should I, an Arrogant and Elitist Tool, have to work? Isn’t work just for Brain-Dead Losers?”, or something along those lines, I think the advice in the link above is spot on.
When starting high school I recommend going to Naviance and writing down the average gpa and test scores from your school to attend some of the common schools she might attend. Be sure it is a wide range, from top 10 to 200th.
Many people who have not been involved in admissions recently are stunned by the gpa that it takes to get into even a moderately competitive college now. It is a lot better to understand what that landscape looks like upfront, and over the first few semesters of high school you can begin to roughly align what is achievable for her and schools in a range that may be accessible from a gpa standpoint. (You will still need to address test scores and extra-curriculars, but gpa comes first for most students).
Example: A parent recently told me that they did not understand that a 4.0 gpa was not the best you can get. Their daughter takes mostly regular classes, and gets mostly A’s. They did not understand that by not taking Honors and more AP classes, she was at a big disadvantage for college admissions that consider weighted gpa or rigor. They discovered that her options are not a lot more constrained than they had anticipated. The had always assumed she was headed for the state flagship, but now they have discovered that she is at the very low end of the range for that school. If they had understood how this all worked earlier, they almost certainly could have ended up with the .2 higher gpa needed to accomplish their plan.
Re #7 and #8. I have two kids (both out of college now). One was considerably more academic than the other.
The less-academic kid, who aspired only to the state university, took risks during high school (such as taking a course in a subject he wasn’t good at just because he was interested in it). He also held jobs for pay. The more-academic kid did neither of these things. She never worked for pay until the summer after high school graduation because she was too busy with other things, and she never took an academic risk that might threaten her GPA.
Neither was Stanford material, but the one who came closer to being in that league was the one who was less able to achieve goals #7 and #8.
Ok I’m a high school senior. My mom would probably be classified as a helicopter mom but she’s a very good mom. Yes, she does most of the chores but my twin sister and I pitch in when asked. She still wakes us up in the morning (even though we are starting to use alarms and tucks us in at night. She still makes our lunches like her mom used to. My sister has her license and a car but I still have my permit and have no interest in driving at the moment. My parents are fine with that(my dad works all the time so that’s why this is more about my mom; she does everything). In fact my mom doesn’t want me getting my license until I’m comfortable doing so. Neither of us work but we most likely will this summer. My sister and I are being raised in a way that’s right for us and hopefully all your kids are being raised in ways right for them
Has anyone posted this article yet? http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/helicopter-parenting-has-_b_9657534.html.
The author says, “The teen who expects his parents to fix his problems becomes the college student who demands that professors and administrators remove his obstacles.”
I am always amazed that so many parents are believed by the media to be capable of solving their children’s problems. I would like a lesson on how to do that! Seriously though, the older the child, the bigger his problems, and the less likely they are to be resolved by parent intervention, even if that were a good idea. If a kid is not accepted by his peers–a common teen issue–what can a parent really do about that? If a child is struggling with a class, a parent can help such as by hiring a tutor, but in the end the student still needs to figure it out because neither mom nor the tutor can take his exams for him. And the stories of parents demanding things for their children, such as a big part in the play, a spot on the team, a better grade…how often does that truly work? Are there really that many adults out there who will allow themselves to be dictated to by pushy parents? I’m skeptical. Not that it never happens, but I’m not sure it happens often enough to be producing a cultural phenomenon.
We just need to watch how often we intervene. We can watch how they do develop problem solving skills, time mgt, standards, etc, and help them learn to balance when they’re disappointed. Kids are supposed to learn self-soothing around 3rd grade, start to gain perspective.
Some issues may need a pro. At the other extreme, kids just need a chance to figure things out on their own. In between, we can give guidance.
Both of mine preferred indirect suggestions. It’s something I have to remind myself of, now that they’re older.
@readingclaygirl Back in the 70’s and 80’s, my mom didn’t do a whole lot “extra” for us, but she always tucked me in at night and woke me up in the morning, up until the morning I left for college. I never had a problem waking up on my own after that. You’ll probably be fine, too, in that regard.