How do you explain to your parents that you won't live up to their expectations?

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>Long story short, my parents yearn for me to become a doctor or lawyer and continue residing in California while I've wanted to work in fashion business on the east coast for many years.</p>

<p>They yell at me and tell me how stupid I was for 'wanting to be a beggar', but it's not changing my mind...I hate math and science and I have no passion for being a lawyer. My mom says I shouldn't pursue passions, I should choose the safe route but...I can't spend my life choosing the safe route.</p>

<p>I've had to quit school activities because they forced me to, and I've dieted so many times because they repeated tell me how 5'2" 104 lbs. is too fat for an Asian girl =(. Anyways...um they're not really proud of me. They're 'training' my 7 year old sister to be a dentist when she grows up since I didn't live up to their expectations, and I'm basically the failure of the family.</p>

<p>Is there a way to approach them about this, or should I just forget about it because when I'm 18, my life will be in my own control?</p>

2

<p>Lots of kids are kicked out of their houses by 16. You can leave now and do what you want. The only power your parents have is money. If you get money, you can live on your own under your own rules. That requires a lot of money, so either start selling drugs, live in the ghetto, or learn to tallk to your parents.</p>

<p>Your parents seem like they want what is best for you. They love you (but dont know how to show it). Just tell them your plans in an adult way. Have a course of action to acomplish your goals. Don't just plan to go to NYC and for everything to fall in your lap. If you show them a realistic way for you to become a fassion designer, they may let you and even help you. </p>

<p>What are your parents' professions? Are they professionals (like doctor, lawyer, etc)? They may have seen that this path was best for them and want you to follow it so you can live the good life. Are you not so well off? Your parents may see these jobs as money in the bank. They want you to have a better life then they have and want their grandchildren to grow up with all the luxuries you get with a fat pay check. Being a fassion designer is very risky because only so many people make it.</p>

3

<p>Fashion = cool. East coast = awesome.</p>

<p>I've had that conversation with my folks before (but because I wanted to do research... go my own path in life... have fun)</p>

<p>5'2" and 104 is fine. I personally think it's your parents way of trying to show that they love you, and although they don't realize it, it's hurting you. I'm sure that you konw the fashion industry is tough business, and it's quite hard to get a good break. I have to agree with venkater though.. come up with a path, show it to them, explain how you will deal with setbacks. There's always reasons that parents say what they do. The best thing is to try and sit down and talk with them.</p>

<p>Don't forget about it. You don't want to harbor this rebellious attitude for so long... it will make relations with the parents hard when you actually need them. Yeah, don't go the drugs route, seriously. It messes you up real bad - if you, like I do, have any friends in that situation, you'll know what I mean.</p>

<p>Heh, I'm the cultural failure of my family. But it's not really a failure, and you should be really proud of yourself for not falling in line with what they want.</p>

<p>Be strong, and good luck when you get the courage to approach them. (The "way" is when it's out of the blue, not when they're telling you what they expect out of you. Maybe an evening after dinner when you've got a little bit of homework or none left to do and they're not busy. TV has to be off, just say that you'd like to talk with them about their plans for your future and what your opinion on it all is - you've made enough concessions, now it's their turn)</p>

4

<p>From what I've seen and experienced (To her dying day, my mother as disappointed that I didn't become an MD or at least a lawyer instead of getting "just" a doctorate and teaching by choice at a third tier college), the best thing that you can do is to do whatever you can to take responsibility for living the life that you want.</p>

<p>It's unlikely that you'll be able to rely on your parents for tuition or other support since they don't support your goals. Consequently, look at ways that you can pursue fashion design on your own dime. Perhaps you can get scholarships to help, work jobs, and even start at community colleges and transfer.</p>

<p>Do take the time, however, to do what you can to research your dream career to make sure it's definitely something that you want to do. Read about fashion designers, find ways to visit them. After all, it's normal for students to change majors at least twice while in college. Often, what students think are their dream careers aren't after the students get more familiarity with the careers. That actually is why it's not worth it to get into lots of arguments now with your parents about your career choice. It may end up that what you want to do now isn't what you want to do next year or the year after.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. I know it's hard having parents who don't believe in your dreams. I also know, however, that everyone whom I know who lived their life according to their parents' wishes, not their own, dreams, is miserable. If you're willing to take responsibility for working hard to fund and achieve your dream, that probably means it's a real goal, not just a fantasy.</p>

5

<p>my parents are used to it</p>

6

<p>Your parents are like the stereotypical Asian parents lol.</p>

7

<p>Tell your parents to **** off.</p>

<p>Looks like reason won't work with them. Reason almost never works with asian parents.</p>

8

<p>Asians (and kids from almost every culture which is civilised) don't tell their parents to "**** off", especially when their trying to be "reasonable".</p>

9

<p>I'm in a similar situation. My parents want me to involve myself in some intense money-making career, and they think I'm so fat (I'm 5'3" and 112) that my knee problems are caused by obesity.</p>

<p>Except they don't know that I am neither planning on making loads of money, nor trying to lose weight. I kind of stopped arguing with them. Most of the time, I'll do my own thing, and just hope the 'rents don't find out.</p>

10

<p>I'm also in a similar situation..but surviving it. Some times parents don't understand at all. I'm poor, yet I'm expected to join sports teams and participate in extracurriculars which both take so much money--and out of my own pocket not theirs. I'm expected to maintain top grades. And I also had to work to supply myself with the cash I needed. This winter for example, I laid out a plan (or rather, I had to) for work--10 hours a day 6 days a week until January 5th. School resumes on the 8th, in about 7 hours in fact. What happened was, my teacher suddenly emailed me and presented a ****load of homework. Another posted it on the school website.</p>

<p>I had to work, because I need the money. But I'm also expected to finish all that homework, when the only time I could really afford to spend on my studies was the last three days of the vacation, during which I didn't have work, and didn't come home every day at 7 PM, exhausted and unable to do anything but go to sleep, only to get up again the next day for the same toil. How is it possible? If I were a rich kid obviously I wouldn't need to work to support myself, and obviously I would've done the homework ages ago, since I'm not spending the better part of my day in a smelly factory or sorting through documents that I don't care about. </p>

<p>I'm not saying my parents are bad people but they do have to realize that I am simply not in the same economic/social status as most of my peers are. I go to a private school on a scholarship and most of my classmates are affluent if not very rich. Their opportunities are my hardships. So far I've been excelling academics-wise, but it has come with a sacrifice of leisure time... </p>

<p>And yes, I'm Asian.</p>

11

<p>In response to everyone, I do come from an upper middle-class family so they do expect to have a typically 'upper middle-class' job such as doctor or lawyer. I'm actually not afraid of college tuition costs because luckily, we do have enough money to support me. I'm currently attending a very pricey prep school, and even though they're appalled that I'm only taking the minimal amounts of math and science courses (honors level, nonetheless) and loading up on history (I'm taking two history APs this year), they're still paying my tuition because my options aren't as good at a public school.
I don't want to be a fashion designer, actually. I'd like to enter the business side of it, or the magazine editorial side of it (which still includes a lot of business once you're high enough in position...). I would actually love to major in anthropology or political science and minor in art history or something, but even then my parents think those are useless majors, even though they like the idea better than 'fashion merchandising'. I maintain a decent 4.3 GPA but they're not proud of the path I'm choosing (they want specifically pre-law or pre-med), even though I think political science or anthropology would open up a lot of options for me to choose from, and art history is beneficial to fashion.</p>

<p>As dumb as this sounds, I'm mostly scared that after they do pay my college tuition, I'll still come out a disappointment. I would like to approach them now about their desires for me and my own choices, but everytime I make a mistake down the road, they yell at me and blame it on something I did years ago.</p>

<p>For example, in 7th grade these ex-best friends of mine turned on me really suddenly and stuffed oreos down my shirt and pulled down my pants and put them in their teenage brother's room. I came home crying like any humiliated and betrayed kid would, and the first thing my dad says is, "It's because you didn't choose to skip a grade in 1st grade. If you did, you would never have been friends with them and this would never have occurred." x_____x
As you can see, they basically use every chance they can get to prove me wrong and prove that I should have listened to them...and sometimes I should but I personally think that a person can be successful in any industry that they choose, as long as they work really hard and they have the talent.</p>

12

<p>Asian here too and I have a problem with my grandparents on the mother's side who is strictly Far East Asian cultured. They expect me to return back to Korea from California after I studied there for four years and become an English teacher and claimed it's hard to live in the U.S.</p>

<p>Thing is, they never lived or visited the U.S. while I had done so frequently. They, and my mom, are very strict that I should only marry a girl of my race and is VERY prejudiced against blacks. Little do they know that I'll be living in the U.S. once I graduate and aspire to become a programmer or physicist and marry, if I do so marry, a person that I love, regardless of race or ethnicity. I can never see myself living in Korea, I feel and am more of an American than Korean; I've been speaking dominantly English, living in a western culture, and born in the U.S.</p>

<p>It's become serious to the point that I am glad they, as grandparents, will pass away soon. There's no point in arguing, if I do, the culture of my family and relatives will go against me and it's not reasonable for me to. Better to let this pass as it will.</p>

<p>I'm fortunate however, to have parents (both asian) who are not sensitive to my academics and life's goals. They would've declined the offer of me to skip grade just so I could associate and socialize with my peers. My mom in fact apologized to me frequently because she suspected she was pressuring me to go to an Ivy university. I told her I never felt such pressure but she still mentions it time to time.</p>

13

<p>"As dumb as this sounds, I'm mostly scared that after they do pay my college tuition, I'll still come out a disappointment. I would like to approach them now about their desires for me and my own choices, but everytime I make a mistake down the road, they yell at me and blame it on something I did years ago."</p>

<p>It doesn't sound dumb. Your fears are understandable.
Unfortunately, you have no control over your parents' beliefs. Their beliefs about your are based on their perspective, and probably have little to do with your behavior. You can't control your parents behavior or beliefs.</p>

<p>You can make your own life and your own path, and you'll be freer to do this if you find ways of funding your dreams yourself.</p>

<p>THe people whom I know who did get their parents to respect their choices tended to be the people who were most proactive about funding their own choices and moving on with their lives without spending lots of time trying to sway their parents beliefs.</p>

<p>For instance, one of my former college students (of immigrant parents, too) wanted to be a journalist, and wanted to go to a college that he -- after lots of research-- felt would best prepare him for a journalism career. His parents threatened to disown him if he went there. He used his own money to apply and his parents stopped speaking to him after he accepted it. He even had to find his own transportation to the college. What his parents said about the college is unprintable on this forum. The only part that I can repeat is that they said that if he went there, he'd "never meet the movers and shakers of the world."</p>

<p>Anyway, he went there (on full merit aid) and became the college's star journalism student in its whole history. During his time there, he also met the U.S. president twice -- at press conferences, including one that was televised. His relatives even saw him on C span asking a question. He also got outstanding, well paid internships with top publications, and graduated to a very well paying job with one of the nation's best newspapers.</p>

<p>By the time he was in his mid 20s, he was working for another top newspaper, and was commuting between New York and chicago and also occasionally doing stories in England.</p>

<p>As for his parents? They hosted his college graduation party, and publcly apologized for trying to prevent his going to that college.</p>

<p>Perhaps that will happen with your parents if you follow your bliss. Even if it doesn't however, you'll be far happier in life if you thoughtfully follow and fund your dreams than if you build your life to try to please your parents.</p>

<p>BTW, my dad was a dentist and immigrant, so I empathize with your situation. My parents wanted me to be a doctor and also to take more math. Despite my mom's (dad died before I got into my career) never liking my career, I still am happy that I followed my dreams. How I dealt with her? When she'd make her statements like, "You should go to law school," I'd just nod, and change the subject. I stopped engaging in debates with her about things like that. Made life a lot happier.</p>

14

<p>At the same time, I believe non-Asian readers should be aware that all this isn't evil or selfish. The parents just want to ensure that their child or children will have a solid stable life; they would rather be harsh and cast an illusion of a tyrant than to see one of their child to be in poverty.</p>

<p>
[quote]
I'd just nod, and change the subject. I stopped engaging in debates with her about things like that. Made life a lot happier.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Hehe, I'm doing that to my grandparents :)</p>

15

<p>"The parents just want to ensure that their child or children will have a solid stable life; they would rather be harsh and cast an illusion of a tyrant than to see one of their child to be in poverty."</p>

<p>This is very true, and is true for some parents who (as was the case with mine) are not Asian. My Dad was raised very poor in Panama, where he used to sometimes have only potatos and tea to eat. He decided to become a dentist because he felt it would guarantee him a good income. My mom grew up in the U.S. during the Depression. </p>

<p>Both parents wanted me to be a doctor because of the income and prestige. I chose completely different lines of work that aren't known for excellent pay. I have been very happy with what I have done, and am glad that I followed my own path. Except for help that I received from my parents in undegrad, I've always supported myself,including buying my own cars, homes ,etc. I also had loans and worked jobs as an undergrad.</p>

<p>I think that it's important to be willing to personally pay the costs to forge one's own path -- including by taknig loans, working extra jobs, etc.</p>

<p>Looking back, the one thing that I regret about my undergrad studies, is that I changed my major from African American studies to government because my mom said that I couldn't get a job in African American studies (We'd long before fought the battle about going pre med). I know plenty of people who have had excellent jobs (including one who is a Harvard law prof) after majoring in African American studies, a major that would have fit well with many of the things that I did after college.</p>

16

<p>Its strange... my parents are Asian, but I never had problems like this. Both my parents grew up in Calcutta, and while my mum was heavily into academics, she was never forced to do Medicine or Law (she got her MA in Comparitive Literature, and her PhD- last month- in Education). My dad did economics, and now works for Coke (we live in Hong Kong).</p>

<p>While both my parents (my mum especially) always stressed academics, they never pushed me to do anything I didn't want to. While I'm going to be a business major now, they both made sure it was what I wanted to do, rather then what I thought they wanted me to do.</p>

17

<p>tell them, "at least I don't do drugs"</p>

18

<p>OP -
Here's what I think you should do:
You may not want to believe this but, and I can't believe that I'm about to say this, they know what's best for you. Ok, wait a sec. I'm not saying that you should do it because they think it's the good thing for you. Why not try to combine Medicine or law with your passion.
Here's my situation:
My parents are hell bent on me becoming a doctor while I have always wanted to wrk in Journalism and/or creative writing. I decided that I would try my best to get into Medical school and earn a degree in whatever I think I like and THEN persue some kind of degree or education of some sort im Journalism or creative writing.
So basically, my persue of a medical career is only a safety net for me to fall on in the event that my carrer in journalism doesn't prove profitable.</p>

<p>What I'm trying to say is that you should try to combine the two and try to make it work.
Someone else here posted that you should leave home and live on your own. I could not disagree more with that. Your parents didn't work their asses off so that you can abandon them at the first time they try to help you do something with your life. Kids have a reponsibility towards their parents and they can't just turn their backs on them when they **** them off.</p>

19

<p>One possibility is to keep as many options open as possible for as long as possible ... are there any schools your parents would find acceptable for pre-law pre-med studies that also have fashion design ... it there a way to leave your dream open while not slamming the door on your parents wishes (yet).</p>

<p>This is a tough situation ... becoming independent of one's parents can get pretty tricky. I was mostly lucky as I moved away from a lot of the elements of life that they saw for me while I was at college in an environment that also fit their image of where I should be (for example, they assumed I would live near home when I graduated while I really wanted to experience the opposite coast; this didn't become visible to my parents until late in my senior year). For me the tricky situation that reared it's head in HS was religion ... and it was difficult deciding whether to do as my parents wished until I got to college or to openly defy them on something important to them because it was also important to me to not do as they wished (not to rebel but because going to church felt hypotcritical to me). This situation sucked and led to virtually the only "bad" arguments I had with my parents before college ... but it was a siutation where I decided this element of who I was as an adult could not wait until I went to college.</p>

20

<p>You know, stuck-on-1700, i've thought about the very same thing (medicine= safety net) but then I thought, I'm wasting 10+ years of my life on something that is not really my passion just so I can have something to fall back on? hmmm....</p>