How do I deal with parents who don't want me to enjoy life? (longish)

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm a graduating senior in engineering. My job offers so far are in the 60-70k range. Nothing stellar, but at least I have plentiful opportunities. However, I'm considering not even working.</p>

<p>My parents keep raising the bar higher and higher and I will never get to enjoy my life because of them.</p>

<p>I busted my ass in highschool, working almost full time and taking community college and correspondence courses to get ahead in college. I had to live at home while attending community college because I was so poor, and my parents refused to give me any money for college. My parents just told me to tough it out.</p>

<p>Then, I went through the awful lifestyle of working during school while pursuing engineering. This was extremely difficult, and hurt me mentally and physically. Most people I go to school with were getting killed by the curriculum without even having to worry about work. My parents contributed no money, and acted like I was 'expected' to net the 30k in scholarships and 25k in internship money that I made.</p>

<p>I stopped working this semester, to search for a full time job at a different firm than the one I was interning at. It's been an amazing experience just going to school without having to work alongside. I finally understand how other students live. My depression left a few weeks after the semester began, and I am finally happy with my life and where I am.</p>

<p>Because college was awful, I want to take a little time off after I graduate and do some of the things I have always wanted to do (Travel, get in shape, go to a few parties, date (since high school)). Bear in mind that because of financial and time constraints, I have spent my entire college career working and in school. I have not gone on spring break (i worked through spring break), I have not gone on summer or winter vacation.</p>

<p>Finally, I am graduating and my parents act like I'm expected to start working the moment after I graduate at a high paying job - despite my desire to take a few months off to clear my mind of the hell I just emerged from. They act like it was atrocious that I quit my school-year job, even though they have no stake in my finances and I do not want to work for that firm after graduation.</p>

<p>Some examples of their expectations:
One of the people in my department got offered a 90k job, and my mother blurts out "Wow, why don't you get an offer like that?"</p>

<p>I know many people from other majors who can't even find a job. Many of them go and wait tables, or end up in a low-paying job in a cubicle. Why are my parents not even thankful that I have a great degree and great opportunities?</p>

<p>It makes me jealous every time I talk to a friend of mine who hasn't worked for six months after graduation - and whose parents paid for her rent and tuition. Her parents are so proud of her for getting a degree. I just wish my parents were the same and loved me for who I am, despite what I do for work.</p>

<p>What do I do? I've tried telling my parents how I feel. They don't care one bit. Should I just join the military or do something else that will **** them off? Or should I ignore what they say and take a few months off before working full time? Or should I listen to them and start working right away, and not have a little vacation after four years of living hell?</p>

2

<p>You are an adult
Do what makes YOU happy, not your parents
It sounds like they are unreasonable and downright crazy.</p>

<p>Take out a loan and travel, do something CRAZY, heck, maybe join the Peace Corps or Teach for America(i’m sure they’d love to have an engineer teach math)…have fun for the first time in your life-then go join the real world</p>

<p>This is about YOU, not them. So, don’t live for them, but also don’t make plans based off spiting them</p>

3

<p>It’s your life. You are clearly an adult. You are not living off of their income. Nor does it seem they contributed to your education. </p>

<p>Take the time off and do what you want. But whatever you do, do it for yourself. Do not do anything that will tick off your parents because then you build regret. If you do for yourself, you live your own life.</p>

4

<p>While I appreciate how hard college may have been for you, very few college graduates have the luxury of time off after graduation unless they can’t find a job. The fact you have offers is something to be proud of. You can give yourself a break if you can manage it financially, of a couple weeks or a month before you start a job. Unfortunately many of us work hard without the chance to blow off steam or take time off. In this economy you should be thankful you have a job offer. You will likely also get vacation and benefits with that job offer - plan things right and you can have a nice vacation to look forward to but ultimately you need to accept that beig an adult and taking on responsibility is not always fun. It can be very rewarding, as I would think having your own job and being able to dictate your life your way, would be rewarding. Please do not think the majority of college grads are being given the chance to live job-free for 6 months. You need to make your own decisions too, if your parents are not involved financially then frankly it doesn’t matter what their opinion is, you need to stand on your own two feet and decide what you want to do.</p>

<p>Congratulations on your hard work and the job offer - you should take pride in that!</p>

5

<p>What you do is realize that you are graduating from college and are now an adult. You don’t need your parents’ approval. Don’t set out to antagonize them - but do what you think is right for you. Trust your instincts. I would contact the hiring manager at the various places you rcvd offers and ask if you can start in August or September. They will most likely understand that you need a few months to decompress. As long as you have an offer in place for a delayed start - it sounds like you need some time off and there is nothing wrong with that. Better to start a job in a good frame of mind than to start when you are mentally frazzled. Hope it works out for you.</p>

6

<p>Can you negotiate a late start date with one of the employers who has made you an offer? It seems to me if you can both secure work AND take much needed time off before you move into full time work, that would be ideal. Until you ask them directly, you wno’t know if it’s possible. I will guess you will be pleasantly surprised and also discover that the long time you need off isn’t even needed…sometimes just a few months to chill or travel will do the trick. </p>

<p>But like the others have said, you are an adult. If you are mature enough to work full time and live on your own and support yourself, surely you are mature enough to realize that your parents issues/expectations are their own and you can make your own decisions about your life (assuming your decision is not impacting them financially). While you might find their advice still helpful, you don’t need to be directed or constrained by it. </p>

<p>And if you are looking for permission that this plan of yours to take time off is okay…well at least one adult here (me!) thinks it’s a fabulous idea. Maybe even necessary. If you burn out, if you become mentally or physically ill due to too much pressure and no downtime for so long, you aren’t going to be of help to anyone (not yourself, your family or your employer). I would go so far as to say if it means turning down the job offers and going into debt for awhile, it might be very much worth it in the long run.</p>

7

<p>You sound very frustrated and possibly even depressed. If that’s the case, can I recommend that you speak to someone at your school’s counselling center?</p>

<p>Financial independence is part of the equation. So is being able to behave as a rational adult and communicating with your parents in that role. (How they choose to respond is out of your control, so stop worrying about it!) If you want to take a break and can afford to cover your own expenses, and have a plan for afterwards, you can explain it rationally to them. Frankly, the fact that you worked your way through school is probably one of the things that makes you attractive to future employers…a plus rather than a minus!</p>

8

<p>Starbright gave you great advice about requesting a delayed start date, and she is not the only parent here who thinks a few months off are well deserved. Go for it.</p>

9

<p>Seems to me from your last paragraph, OP, that you have a pretty good chain around you. Perhaps you want to but not need to, replace that binding chain with something with a bit more stretch and easier clasp removal. </p>

<p>Your job offers seem to be about par. See if you can find one that you can do 1-3 months vagabonding before 1st day. Move away to somewhere far (+1000mi) but easy air connections.</p>

10

<p>Congratulations on (nearly) finishing your degree under those circumstances – it sounds like it is a degree that you’ve really earned.</p>

<p>I hope that you’re able to arrange a delayed start that gives you a month or two before your job starts – it certainly sounds as if it would do you a lot of good, whether that is traveling, relaxing, or doing something else away from your family.</p>

<p>I’d also suggest you consider severely limiting the amount of information you share with your family. How did your mom know what someone else in your class was offered? Some parents are a little (or a lot) crazy in their expectations and in their inability to offer sincere congratulations. You’re probably not going to change that, but you can choose to significantly limit the extent of your exposure to it. It can be really toxic. </p>

<p>I think you’ve got a great future, but I hope it can start with at least a few weeks – or months – of relaxation. You’ve earned it.</p>

11

<p>I thought you were a high school kid when I first started reading your post, but then I realized you are college graduating senior. If you have a job lined up, and not financially dependent on your parents, why do you still care about what they think? It may sound silly, but they will only bother you as much as you let them. When you start your job is between you and your manager. You could take time off and travel, as long as you could afford it yourself. Do it! Take some time off! Have some fun and have a good life!</p>

<p>Good way to handle nagging parents - just let them talk, nod your head while they are talking, go back to your own place and do what you want.</p>

12

<p>I am soooooo impressed with how hard you have worked and how much you have accomplished. Any parent should be bursting their buttons to have you for a son.</p>

<p>The fact that yours aren’t – well, that tells you that they never will. You’ll be 30, and you’ll have just gotten a wonderful promotion or invented the next brilliant item, and they’ll be annoyed with you because you’re not a neurosurgeon like so-and-so’s child. </p>

<p>I haven’t read the details of what everyone else wrote, but I do know one thing: Simply working at your new, post-graduate job – without going to school – will seem almost relaxing to you. When you’re done working for the day, you’ll go back to your apartment, kick back, and relax! Or you and your roommates will go out and enjoy yourselves. It’ll take you about six months or so to get in the groove, but you will have a wonderful time.</p>

<p>Once you’ve got your feet under you, consider a bit of counseling. You truly need to understand that your parents’ treatment of you is a reflection of them, not of you.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. You sound like a wonderful person, and you should feel very proud of your accomplishments.</p>

13

<p>It’s time to quit worrying so much about what your parents think. You’re obviously very accomplished and have a bright future but you need to get this chip off of you shoulder or it’ll hold you down. </p>

<p>Your parents are who they are - they’re not other parents. They have whatever background they have as reasons for why they think the way they do. Maybe if you think about their history you’ll be able to see where they’re coming from even if you don’t agree with their perspective but it might help you to at least understand it. </p>

<p>Don’t think it’s the norm that parents routinely pay for their graduated kids to just take 6 months off to play around - it’s not the norm at all. Some parents will help out their kids who are actively looking for a job after graduation and might help them if they have a job that doesn’t pay well enough to live on but not all parents do that.</p>

<p>If you have the means to take a few months off and that’s what you want to do then just do it. If you’re asking for your parents to financially support you taking a few month vacation, well, they might or might not do that but if you ask them to you need to be prepared for them to either say ‘no’ or to require you to actively seek a job or maybe even do it but grumble about it and you have to decide whether that’s worth it to you.</p>

<p>Regarding the other classmate who received the $90K offer - don’t worry about it. That’s them - not you. Your parents have no idea of the circumstances for that particular person. Maybe they were the top of the class, have prior applicable experience resulting in that high offer, were just lucky, or maybe their uncle is a top exectutive in the company. It doesn’t matter - your offers in the $60-70K are right in the range for a new engineering grad and you and your parents should be happy and proud. If your parents aren’t then they’re simply ignorant of the reality of the marketplace for new engineering grads.</p>

<p>You have the luxury of having a relatively high paying offer that would allow you to live on your own. You could just so what most people do - get a job and support yourself. While working you can start to do many of the things you were putting off including dating, doing things on weekends, taking a vacation once you accumulate enough vacation time, etc.</p>

14

<p>Another parent here with a big congrats! I, too, think you should talk to the company or companies you are discussing employment. See if you can work out a delay for the start date. Do get your offer in writing including an agreed upon start date. This (a letter spelling out compensation, start date etc.) is ALWAYS a smart idea for any job. Then take some time, have fun, do what you want and start your job! Do not let your parents get to you. If you think you are having trouble dealing with that aspect, by all means, find a counselor who can help you work through their negativeness and the impact it has on you.</p>

15

<p>I agree with what other parents here have been saying: Congratulations on all that you’ve achieved. You’re an adult now, and you can make your own decisions. See if you can negotiate a later start date for employment, and take some well-deserved time off.</p>

16

<p>Wow, I am impressed with your work ethic! What you have done could not have been easy. Sometimes when parents feel they have not accomplished what they wish they had during their lives they project this onto children and your accomplishments begin to become too much of their accomplishment, if you know what I mean. </p>

<p>I don’t know anything about how the engineering field works, but in the field I graduated in they were always very receptive to new hires taking some time off and starting in August or September. Seems to me that you would be so energized for your new job if you had some down time; you have a very long work life ahead of you. I have always tried to take a couple of weeks off between jobs to reenergize and take care of personal things that needed to be done, and usually my employers were totally fine with that. </p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

17

<p>*Can you negotiate a late start date with one of the employers who has made you an offer? *</p>

<p>I agree with this idea! If you agree to start - say in July or August - that will give you some time to take a rewarding graduation trip. </p>

<p>Do you have money to travel with? If not, then how would you support yourself during this time? </p>

<p>As for your parents…just ignore them. when they say something inappropriate (or dumb), just shrug and move on.</p>

18

<p>Well it appears that your you have no obligation to your parents and since you are 100% financially independent now would be the perfect time to say **** YOU and **** OFF and do whatever the **** you want!</p>

19

<p>Congratulations on earning your engineering degree and job offers.</p>

<p>Self funding an engineering degree is a huge accomplishment, one your hiring managers likely considered when they made you the offers.</p>

<p>Assuming you haven’t accepted any offers yet, you are in the best possible position to negotiate a favorable start date. Any reasonable job offer will be in writing and specify salary, benefits, including vacation days and a start date.</p>

<p>If a newly minted engineer requested a start date of say, September 1, for a May graduation date, I’d approve on the spot. More than a few months, and I’d probably decline. You don’t need to explain a whole lot other than to say you’d like to take some time off before you start your career. Believe me, anyone that made it through a rigorous college curriculum and self funded will understand and appreciate your request.</p>

<p>As for your parents, you can deal with this issue now, or wait until you’re ready to get married, or have kids, or buy a house, or change careers, or retire and see if things get any better.</p>

20

<p>Yes, add my name to the congratulations. I put myself through college, but that was back when it was not the unbelievably expensive proposition it is today. I’m impressed.</p>

<p>Once I finished undergrad, I was able to find a grad fellowship which paid ME! Now that was luxurious.</p>

<p>If you spend your life waiting for other people to give you permission to be happy, you are going to wait your entire life…go on, now. Have some fun. You’ve earned it.</p>