I haven’t seen this issue addressed previously so would appreciate all feedback. My son is now starting his junior year. We started getting him to think about colleges in April when we went on a 4 state, 7 college trip. My son is a good student, a multi sport athlete and is on track to attain eagle scout. He is personally very conservative in his demeanor, dress and outlook. I chose 5 of the 7 schools on our trip and all were Catholic, because I thought they were good cultural fits for him. All featured business schools because that is what he wants to study. He liked them all and disliked the 1 secular school he added to the itinerary (the 2nd school he added was also Catholic and he liked it). Of the 6 schools we saw which he liked, I think he has a strong probability of being admitted to 3, denied at 2 and 1 is a tossup.
My wife and I are alumni of another Catholic college which is well regarded, is getting more selective and has a very strong business school. It is definitely a peer and competitor of the 6 and is more highly ranked than 4 of them. My son categorically refuses to apply to it simply because we went there, despite the fact it is stronger in many ways than 4 of the others, and would be a very strong cultural fit. Our older child applied there and was denied but that child was not as strong a student as this one.
He has signaled his refusal to apply there repeatedly and I have not engaged him at all on it, hoping he will change his mind when the time comes. If things don’t change in a year, I think it would be the height of foolishness to write off our alma mater for no better reason than we went there, when it seems to be a very good match for him. In fact it is in the process of erecting a new building for its business schooI, which would open just before he would arrive. I would NEVER compel him to attend it, but just want him to apply to it to create an option for him given the unpredictability with the whole college admissions process, and knowing kids’ perspectives and priorities continuously evolve. In fact, I have said repeatedly I think it is better for my kids to go to different schools than other family members. But if things don’t go as planned for him, this might be a strong option for him.
Ive heard of other parents asserting a right to insist their child apply to 1 school of the parents’ choosing. Has anyone done this? How has it worked out? Have others encountered hostility to their own alma mater from their own children? Given we are paying for the application fees and will pay his cost of attendance, I think we have this right. If people think I am being unreasonable, I’d like to hear that too.
Sure, make him apply. If he really doesn’t like it, you’ve wasted the $50+ application fee but something might happen that he decides he likes it --they win a national championship, someone donates $$$ and the kids all get a scholarship, it gets named the best party school in America, 6 of his friends decide to go there.
If it is Notre Dame, you might talk him into it. If it is a small school in a small town, good luck.
Why would you insist on your child applying to and attending a college that he just doesn’t want to go to? That’s a recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, it really is his life not yours and you should be supportive of his decisions on where he would like to spend the next 4 years of his adulthood.
I think all my kids should just go (or gone) to Texas A&M and be done with it cheap, great network, can be anything there.
0 for 3 right now just the way it is good luck his choice their choice unless you want to be “that” type of parent. Applying won’t hurt I agree with that things can change.
You just make sure he applies. It’s a few more clicks on the common ap. After all, as parents paying for the roof over our kid’s heads (and everything else) this is a small request.
So much will change by May of senior year. By then your school might be the perfect choice. He might feel differently too when the final price tags come in too.
Make a appointment with your son’s guidance counselor this spring, and discuss the college list. The guidance counselor may be much more persuasive with your son than you can be, as the advice will be coming from an unbiased source. My dad forced me to apply to his alma mater, and I swore out of spite that I would never go there. After all of the decisions came out, I ended up at his school anyway. I had a great 4 years, met my husband there, and now our daughter is a happy sophomore at the same place. She was on the fence about applying, but her peers and guidance counselor told her that it would be crazy not to apply there ED, as it was a perfect fit for her. I just kept my mouth shut and let everyone else do the convincing.
DS applied to DH’s Alma mater. It was his safety and he had NO intention of attending…and he didn’t.
DD was encouraged to apply to my Alma mater, but she flatly refused because it was my Alma mater. You know…she was VERY happy where she applied, and matriculated…and graduated.
You have a son who is just starting his junior year. Consider yourself lucky that he looked at 7 colleges willingly when he was a sophomore. And you know…it’s very possible that when he applies in another year…NONE of these will still be on his radar screen for applications.
I’d let this one go. Just because you had a great experience at your Alma mater years ago…does not mean it’s the place for your son. It sounds like the other schools you chose for him to look at were fine with you. So why push one that he doesn’t want to go to…for any reason?
My kid refused to apply to a college we visited because she didn’t like the buildings. Kids have their reasons…and sometimes they don’t make sense to the parents.
Remember…your son is going to college…not you. Help him find colleges to apply to that you all agree would work.
Both my kids wanted to look at schools pretty far away so at beginning of process Dad and I told them they needed to choose one school within a reasonable distance and submit an application.
My advice - support the schools he’s already interested in, but tell him in return you expect him to keep an open mind to your alma mater. In my experience, A LOT changes throughout Junior year. Just try not to “sell” or bring it up too much because kids can dig in if they think they’re being pushed.
Forcing your child to apply anywhere is a bad idea. It is the child’s future and should be one of the first major decisions that your child makes independently. You can help your child understand the college process and share some of your thoughts/reactions in a way that indicates these are just additional bits of info for your child to consider, but all decisions should be your child’s.
That said, asking your child to accompany you on a visit to the school for your own nostaglia is fine. But do not push or mention his applying at all during the trip; just reminisce about your own experiences while you are there, and take the admissions tour to “see what’s new.” Maybe he’ll end up liking it! But do not push it.
And it is fine to discuss with your child the existence of “legacy advantage” at colleges. This is a real advantage. Whether your child chooses to avail himself of it is his call.
I think it is pretty understandable for a child to want to forge his own identity, separate from that of his parents. Recognize this need, and let him draw his own conclusions.
Also- as a parent of a child attending my alma mater-
When HE chose to apply there, it definitely occurred to me that my feelings about my college would have changed completely had it rejected my son. I would have hated it forevermore. And I thought he might feel worse about being rejected somewhere I had been accepted than he would about being rejected at some other random school. So, I was kind of neutral throughout the whole application process, even asking a couple of times if he was sure it was really, truly his favorite. He picked it.
And now it will be his college experience, not mine. There may be some commonalities of experience, but that also would have been true had he picked Middlebury or Hamilton or Wesleyan instead of Williams (my alma mater) or Vassar (my husband’s). His Williams is different from mine. And he is his own person, charting his own course. That is as it should be. He is now an adult!
It sounds like you already picked the schools he visited that are on you ur list. Back off. Maybe he is too polite to say that in some ways, he doesn’t want to turn out like his parents. Or merely that he wants to strike out in his own path in life.
My dad insisted I attend his alma mater. I did, but still resent it 35 years later. It is a fine school, but not really the college experience I think would have been best for me. Yes, one of my kids had a “parent choice” application, but if she had balked I wouldn’t have insisted.
A couple of thoughts. Applying doesn’t mean you’re going. Sometimes you apply just to see what happens.
Second, I think it’s important that if he considers your alma mater that you make sure it is his college experience, not yours part two. It’s really hard to do with all the stories and experiences you’ll be telling him.
Your son sounds like a great kid. He’s done well in school, accepts your advice on most things. You chose 5 of the 7 schools visited by the family; he was receptive to your suggestions and liked them. If the only issue you have during the stressful college app process is your son’s refusal to apply to a single school, consider yourself very lucky.
If this were an issue of a kid who would only have one possible option and was refusing to consider that option for a foolish reason, it might be a different discussion. But his sounds like a kid with many good options, who is likely to end up at a good place (just not one of your choosing.)
If you wouldn’t force him to attend a college he didn’t want to go to, why would you waste your application $$$ and also pick a fight with him for that same college you wouldn’t force him to attend anyways?
One of my kids was accepted to grad school at my alma mater (top 5 ranking in his field). He would have been the 3rd generation to attend. He was offered full support to fund his master’s degree and … he turned it down :((
He said he didn’t like the town. Since some of the same professors are still there, I have a feeling he didn’t want the comparison to his parents. In your case, it doesn’t hurt to apply - we applied to lots of schools, but it sounds like he has strong feelings on this matter. They all need to find their own way.
I agree that if you push it now, he may just dig in his heels. DS had a similar reaction to our alma mater - we found out later that his big concern was that if he got in, it would only be because of legacy and it would not feel legitimate. We got him to agree to at least tour the school and he liked it more than he expected.
You still have plenty of time for him to change his mind.
We started dressing our son in Michigan gear from birth. His first words (no joke) were “Go Boo!” He watched Michigan football with his dad all his life and hung around Ann Arbor with us every time we were back in Michigan visiting family. He applied because it certainly didn’t hurt to put mom and dad’s college on the list and hey, it’s Michigan, but his heart was elsewhere. We wish like heck that’s where he was now, but he made a better choice for himself. We got over it.
We didn’t force him to apply and wouldn’t have done so. Most likely, a forced application will not be a compelling one and, therefore, probably a waste of time and money.
I know you’ve said you’d never force him to attend, but it might be worth considering why this is so important to you that you’d consider forcing him to apply. It is really just for him, or might there be the tiniest chance you are taking this personally?
Pick your battles wisely. I haven’t heard any compelling reason why this one is worth fighting. Both you and he like his other choices. If you want him to have additional options, I’m sure you can both come up with another good fit or two out of the 3000+ colleges in the country. If he later regrets not taking your advice and applying to your alma mater, maybe he’ll learn something from that.
First, congratulations on having such a great son; he sounds terrific and you and your wife must be so proud.
About getting him to apply to your alma mater, show him the size of the legacy preference! Worked for me, and now my alma mater, which has become stupidly selective over the past 20 years, is a top choice!
Back off for the next twelve months. When it is the fall of his senior year he will need to reexamine his choices before doing applications. A lot can change in a year. He may add/subtract schools from his list. Without pressure he may be willing to add your alma mater next year. Now is way too soon.
My 2¢ is don’t make him apply if he has vehemently said he won’t go to your alma mater. You may think he’ll change his mind if he gets in but that’s highly unlikely. Here’s my reasoning: I also wanted both of my boys to want to go to my alma mater. Whenever I spoke of my college it was always with fondness and good memories. My boys know I met my best friend at college and we are still close…our kids grew up together. So I think that puts a certain pressure on kids to live up to loving the school and having the same wonderful experiences we had. Our kids are trying to forge their own identity and independence separate from their parents.
Thankfully, my youngest indulged me at least on visiting my alma mater. While he had nothing bad to say about it, he still said it wasn’t for him and would not be applying (and I’m totally fine with it).
his choice their choice unless you want to be “that” type of parent. Applying won’t hurt I agree with that things can change.