<p>Once a week is enough to communicate with a college offspring. What is so urgent you are interrupting your adult child’s life with texts? It is nice to hear a person’s voice to detect nuances and emails can impart information to be dealt with at one’s convenience (this does not always mean replying to one). An email will give you a clear record of what you asked as well. Some grown children are attempting to cut the apron strings by ignoring parents. </p>
<p>I once called son’s roommate (about the last time they had landlines in the dorm) when he repeatedly ignored requests to respond to phone/email. Only time I ever spoke with the roommate and I expressed my concern about son when he said son was out running- it was about 1 degree out. Son did call back saying he was running indoors, thankfully (he ran outdoors in winter at home all the time). </p>
<p>We need them far more than they need us for communication. Think back at what you did before so much instant communication was available. Inconveniences when trying to coordinate with campus friends, but no way parents could find out anything from a phone record et al…</p>
<p>You learn to deal with it. The more you push for contact the least likely you are to get it. </p>
<p>If it’s something like a picture of the dog, or just something funny I wanted to include them in, I don’t expect a response. If it’s “your eye appointment is due, you’re going to be out of contacts in 30 days” I expect them to handle it. If I haven’t seen evidence of either college kid for many days, I send “POL” to them, which means “proof of life”. All I want is a thumbs up, or something to acknowledge they are alive. (One has special medical needs that could be dangerous) so I do expect a response if I’m worried. </p>
<p>I only text my son if I need an answer or if I’m requesting that he do something. He is required to text an answer or “ok” if no answer is needed but for me to confirm that he got the message. I will send 1 ? For non response in case he was busy and missed the text. These are the rules. In fact these are the rules with our whole family including DH , me, etc</p>
<p>Very annoying! S2 answers about 1/3 of the texts I send. The worst is when he responds to the first text, but then ignores a follow up text (usually asking for more detail). We both try - I send fewer texts (only important stuff, not “How is your day”) and he tries to at least text back a “K”. What really gets me is that he usually responds to dad when he texts about video games. </p>
<p>"Once a week is enough to communicate with a college offspring. What is so urgent you are interrupting your adult child’s life with texts? It is nice to hear a person’s voice to detect nuances and emails can impart information to be dealt with at one’s convenience (this does not always mean replying to one). An email will give you a clear record of what you asked as well. Some grown children are attempting to cut the apron strings by ignoring parents.
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<p>I think a phone call is more intrusive than a text.</p>
<p>Here are samples of things I’ve texted recently:</p>
<p>“Thinking of you - have a good week, hugs from Chicago.”
Aforementioned video of dog looking cute
(To son who is RA) “hey, I know someone whose son is an incoming freshman in your dorm. Can you keep an eye out for (name of kid) from (x town) - I knew his mom in school”
“An envelope arrived from xxx. Do you want me to send it to you or do you want it in your room”
(Regarding my sister who bought a new house) “hey, when a chance, tell Aunt A congrats - the house came through”</p>
<p>These are all “FYI” types of things, not worth picking up the phone and calling. </p>
<p>Text I received yesterday:
I’d bought D a white NorthFace jacket and she was wearing it for the first time, and sent me a picture of her wearing it with a caption that she was about to go drink grape juice and eat spaghetti sauce (since it’s white)</p>
<p>Nice little ways of staying in touch. I text my mom and sister with equivalent stuff all the time. It’s a quick thinking of you which doesn’t demand or interrupt like a phone call. </p>
<p>We have a rule between myself and the girls…if one of us should text, a response is required, even if it’s Thanks, LOL, great. I didn’t know that, D1 told me that I was being rude, so now I always respond.</p>
<p>This summer D2 was living by herself in NYC. She didn’t respond to my calls over a period of time, every time when she finally called me back she would apologize. It happened once too many times for my liking, so I called the security at the Y where she was staying. They tracked her down by going to her room, talked to her roommate and called her numerous times on her cell. She was super embarrassed when they finally found her. I told her if she didn’t want it to happen again she should respond when I call.</p>
<p>I call my mother back when she calls, so I do expect the same from my kids. They can ignore other people, but not their parents or family.</p>
<p>My friend says she calls her son’s friends if he ignores her for too long. I’m sure the embarrassment of that spurs him to respond in a more timely manner. I’m’not sure how one goes about obtaining the numbers of those friends in the first place, though–“Hey, my son isn’t too good about responding to me, so could I have your number just in case?”</p>
<p>This is pretty much my rule, too. My D sometimes takes longer to respond than I would like. It would be one thing if she truly couldn’t answer (i.e., was at dance or work or in a movie), but as the OP said, I KNOW the phone is always at hand and that she is checking messages from other people. It drives me crazy not to get a prompt response. laurie, I have had to do what you said a couple of times. I hate imposing on her friends but sometimes it’s the only way.</p>
<p>Dog pix work well on my son (who’s away at college), but a lot of times he is the one requesting them. And of course I do hear from him more when he is running low on funds.</p>
<p>As wis75 mentioned as well, I think ignoring texts is part of the processes of learning to separate from parents. Maybe it’s not the best way, but it’s part of the learning process. I’m going to go against the grain here and say I wouldn’t turn off the phone, or put any controls, etc. to get his/her attention. It then just becomes another way to communicate that your kid is dependent, etc. at the very time in which he/she is trying to figure out how to be independent. I wouldn’t get into that kind of power struggle–yes, you pay the bills, etc., and yes, you have the power, but I suggest to just be patient. At some point, your kid will learn that it’s nice to have parents to lean on, communicate with, etc., for reasons above and beyond the financial security you provide.</p>
<p>I say this because my youngest is not far from the type of kid where the question ‘how was your day’ can be construed as too intrusive. So I backed off, considerably. What I find is that after a while, he checks in because according to him, it’s been awhile since we talked. And since it was initiated by him, I get lots more information and don’t have to resort to an ‘interrogation’. It’s more pleasant all around.</p>
<p>He’s just started his second year of school. I don’t try to initiate many conversations. What’s nice is that I realized he’s in communication with his older brother and my parents as well, again, not so often, but it’s makes me realize that he’s got a support system there and understands the importance of his family.</p>
<p>I doubt your kid is as stubborn and independent as mine, so I expect that soon, he/she will want to talk. </p>
<p>Depends which kid. One often doesn’t have her phone on her (leaves it in the backpack, in her room, etc.) If I need something and haven’t heard back after half a day or so, I call that evening. The other kid will get back to me almost immediately. </p>
<p>IF I felt I was being purposely ignored, I’d come up with a consequence. Doubt I’d threaten to stop paying the school bills as that seems like overkill (and they might wind up back home – the HORROR). I might suggest that since they obviously don’t use the phone I’m providing, they must not need it. </p>
<p>I love the story about the white North Face and the grape juice/spaghetti sauce - totally a text I would receive from my kids!</p>
<p>OP, did you have a history of texting and getting responses back before they went to college? We are a texting family. My kids text me crazy things, we have group texts of funny/FYI type texts. Lots of pictures. Pics of food we are eating/cooked/baked. It’s just habit and we all do it - its very reciprocal. So my point being, was your method of communicating pre-college good? Did it include texting then???</p>
<p>Occasionally I’ll send a text that asks a question and don’t get a response - often I think what happens is the text gets lost in the bazillion other texts they get. If I really need a response, after an appropriate while, I send another text, “hello???” Usually gets a response. :)</p>
<p>I am sorry OP, I would be mad if D ignored any texts. We set the same rule as above, a text requires awknowledgement. I find D texts us as opposed to us texting her unless something is needed. I needed her school id to register for parents weekend. We did set a rule that she needed to call one a week. It could be around her schedule but we wanted to hear her voice. You could suspend service on your cell without canceling the service. I am sure that would get his attention quickly. Good luck.</p>
<p>I very much dislike my cell phone (not the phone itself but rather the concept). Always have. But that is just me. Along those lines I don’t text. Don’t know how and have absolutely no desire to learn. I will read a text and it usually says child X will be calling so please pick up when it rings!</p>
<p>Kiddos didn’t have cells until they were in college and oldest son carries the account in his name and provides phones for the whole family. Other sibs pay the cost of their phones to him and HE provides me with my phone. So when he calls I usually answer, or if I am unable to answer I will call back promptly, HIS rule. </p>
<p>I figure if the kiddos want to talk they will call me. Some of them are extremely chatty and others not so much. Its my boys that will call MANY times a day with the daughters not so much. They will email me and I will email them but I do expect reasonable conversation, not “K” or “i’m fine and u”, real words and not weird made-up words. So yes I am as old-fashioned as they come especially with my five kiddos. (Don’t have facebook either and not a smartphone, just one that I can dial!!)</p>
<p>For the original poster if it were me I would limit the texting to emergency only. Let him get in touch with you. You don’t need to change the power paradigm just how you respond to his lack of attentiveness. The kiddos are busy are we are an after-thought. And that is okay for now, they are getting used to being adults and how to re-define adult relationships. But I figure that they do value my advice and friendship and after the passage of time your relationship with your child will change. Don’t put yourself into a situation that makes you upset and the kiddo resentful.</p>
<p>I was not in the position to curtail payment of tuition, or bills since my kiddos managed that for themselves but respect and love was still in the equation not because I had something to hold over their heads’ but rather because I was their mom. So I know when they call, text or visit it’s because of love and respect not duress.</p>
<p>Hope this helps.</p>
<p>Kat
ps. I am still a big fan of cards and letters and fortunately my kiddos are as well. So I always get them books of stamps for their Christmas stockings!</p>
<p>Sometimes S texts back and sometimes he doesn’t. I don’t get my knickers in a knot if he doesn’t. I rarely text my S or call, but if it’s something important I call and leave a voice message. What I can’t stand is when he calls and doesn’t leave a message. I’ve told him it’s not hard to say, “Just calling to say hi.” </p>
<p>A family I know - all kids in college or working - has a tradition where one of them texts “PICTURE!” to all and they all snap a picture where they are and send it to one another. Fun tradition that allows for checking in at random times during the month.</p>
<p>That does not address the issue of unanswered texts when an answer is important.</p>
<p>I am not hung up on it,my S does text with us frequently, sharing what is going on, and with me generally about sports things or funny things, sometimes about music. There is no requirement particularly, and for us it mostly is texting, he seems to prefer that. If there is something urgent he is pretty good at responding, and if it isn’t it is up to him when he responds. </p>
<p>I try to take a “no news is good news” attitude. I figure, if he has a problem, he’ll tell me about it. Otherwise, I assume he’s got things under control. That said, I do keep a stash of funny pictures of the family cat to send when I want to trigger an answer </p>
<p>OP- each kid was required to call home once a week at a set time.</p>
<p>Period.</p>
<p>Therefore, they knew that any communication from us during the week was urgent or important and needed to be handled in real time.</p>
<p>My kids would not have appreciated three texts per week. How many emergencies can a family have each and every week?</p>
<p>An emergency was the move to hospice of a grandparent. An emergency was a letter from the bursar that until the lost key charge was paid, the kid would not be allowed to register for next semester. I once left a voice mail that a kids tax refund check had arrived (that got answered pretty quickly!)</p>
<p>But the once a week check in worked great. Non intrusive but consistent. Respectful of their boundaries.</p>
<p>I think all communication with college kids (and beyond) depends on a particular family’s dynamics, personality and history. I don’t insist on a weekly phone call. I don’t get terribly upset if S doesn’t respond to my texts. They are usually not of the urgent variety. But occasionally I get a hankering to talk to one of them (or they want to talk to me) so we set up a time to call. We’re overseas so we have to take the time difference into account. Every family is different, but I’d kind of let your kids take the lead in communicating. I don’t want to be the elderly mom that nags her son to call all the time. If we have a good relationship, I figure he’ll call when he has something to say. </p>
<p>P.S. My H is one of those sons who has been nagged to death about calling his mother. So, every Saturday, he dutifully calls her and listens to her complain and ramble for 30-45 minutes. And he hates and resents every minute of it. I don’t want to have that kind of relationship with my kids. </p>
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