<p>My adhd college senior often misplaces or forgets her phone or intends to answer and gets distracted and occasionally we may not hear back for a few days. Usually, a “are you alive?” text will get a response. Once or twice I have checked the credit card account and saw that she had paid for gas or food so I knew she wasn’t in trouble.</p>
<p>I mostly just text hello or a link to a amusing news article from our local paper a couple of times per week. We usually have a once per week skype session.</p>
<p>The system we seem to have fallen into is that I email my daughter, and when she is ready to respond (usually within a couple of days) she calls us on FaceTime in the evening. That way we get to talk face to face but there’s no pressure. If something needs an urgent reply I will write “urgent” in my email title. I haven’t had to do that yet.</p>
<p>I don’t expect an answer to every text that I send (and I try to keep texting to a minimum). Kids are busy with academics, friends, activities etc. and that is the way it should be. If it is something urgent I will let her know that I expect/need a reply right away. We also usually try to agree on a weekly time to talk on the phone for a few minutes because I do like to hear her voice once in a while. And I don’t check tweets/facebook stuff so I don’t worry about that – I decided we’d all be better off that way.</p>
<p>I’d suggest you just ease off a bit and just let him/her know if something is really important to answer. When I went to college there was none of this constant contact – just a weekly collect call on Sundays when the rates were low! So even with cellphones, which are great when I really do need to get in touch, I try to give my kids the same freedom.</p>
<p>We are also a texting family. If DD suddenly stopped, I would be more hurt than angry. I would wonder what had gone wrong in our relationship. But I would certainly not try to force the issue with some kind of rule or threats. That’s just alien to our family dynamic. (E.g., when she stayed out later than the time she herself set, and didn’t communicate the change in plan, I gave her crap about breaking her word, not because she’d broken some rule.)</p>
<p>I could never do the passive–aggressive power thing with my kids that if you don’t call/test I will shut you off. I am with those who say communication should be out of genuine caring, not force. Generally if the care is in place, the passive-aggressiveness is necessary. My oldest was never much of a caller/texter until he lived far from home. Then HE contacted ME. My next oldest has always been a very random texter/caller, with questions about laundry, sewing, medicine, whatever. But she works irregular hours and I know that if I text her, I might not hear back until she calls again with one of her random questions. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me or respect me.</p>
<p>I feel bad for kids who basically aren’t allowed to really be independent these days. Seems like the apron strings are just never truly cut anymore.</p>
This is my experience also. I think part of what’s going on is that young people communicate with each other differently than older people do, and it can be really hard to get them to understand that they must accommodate older people. Responding to texts that don’t ask a specific question seems odd to them, and you have to drum into them (repeatedly) that it isn’t odd at all for people over 30 (or so). A similar point I have to tell them over and over is that if they call a person over 30 (or so), that person will not call them back if they don’t leave a message. They have trouble getting this (and they also always call me back before listening to the message I left–I sometimes tell them to hang up, listen to the message, and then call me back).</p>
<p>I think it’s important for them to learn that they need to adapt their procedures for different people they will be communicating with.</p>
<p>I personally think when you keep up the communication, whether willingly or forced, you will stay connected more. Once you decide to only stay in touch when you have time or something to say, I generally find you have less and less to talk about. I don’t mind getting out of touch with my friends, but it comes to family and kids, I want them in my life. I talk to my siblings on a regular basis too. I know what they like to eat, what they like to do on weekends. We all get busy, it is very easy to not stay in touch, but I think it is worth my while to make the effort. </p>
<p>I completely agree with oldfort. Independence does not have to equate to disconnected. Our communication with the kids did not change when they left home. Nobody is sooo busy that they don’t have time to respond to a text with an “ok”, “lol” or “crazy busy, be in touch later”. We all text each other often, including two new daughters-in-law and I still touch base with my parents and sisters several times a week. We enjoy each other.</p>
<p>We paid for our kids’ cell phones, and also requested a once a week call…at their convenience. We were clear that if they didn’t call, they could pay themselves. DS missed a call, and we charged him for his cell service. It never happened again. Neither of our kids used text messages that much in college, and we seldom used that format with them then. But we use it now (better phones, easier, not intrusive). Still, I don’t spam my kids with text messages, and I don’t often just send newsie things via text. And if I need an answer…I say that right up front in my text…“need an answer to this ASAP”.</p>
<p>To the OP…how often do you text your child and how often do you need a reply? </p>
<p>Oh…and with phone calls…again, if I say "please return this call ASAP, I expect that my kids (and husband) will know that it’s important, and will do so.</p>
<p>Both kids are still at home. Lately the MS kid will disappear into her room after school to do homework while listening to music on her phone.I admit it’s very convenient for me to text her when I need her to come down (for chores or dinner) instead of hollering.</p>
<p>My dad used to get upset that I would always answer my mom but not him. I had to explain to him that mom and I don’t like texting as much as he does and that when she texts, I know it’s important. As much as I love him, he is a news junkie that’s always texting me about the news and I just don’t have time to respond.</p>
<p>OP - When you were in college did your parents call you on the phone every 3 days and expect to talk to you?
I try not to txt DS too much for that very reason. </p>
<p>We have told S that 1) his dad expects an answer, even if it is just “I am busy, I will call later” and 2) mom is okay unless she says “send a sign of life.”</p>
<p>S and I do exchange texts and pics that don’t require a response. I see something that I think he will like, I send a pic, he does the same for me. S and his pop have a harder time reading each other. My H expects an answer no matter what, but isn’t always considerate of other people being busy. S can’t drop everything and answer in a nonemergency situation. </p>
<p>We had a heart to heart with S. It isn’t perfect yet, but we are making progress. </p>
<p>Seeing that DD is so close, she needs to separate from me. So I don’t get upset if she ignores my occasional text messages. Before college, when she was out, If I texted her, I would expect a reply from her. If she ignored me, I would give her the business! Now that she is a college freshman, I am giving her the space that she deserves. Even though she is so close, I still feel like she is 3 hours away. </p>
<p>My kid still isn’t so good about keeping her phone charged and with her… I think it gets lost under dirty laundry in her dorm room occasionally, too. If she doesn’t answer and I get worried, I try phoning, then email. One of those usually gets a response.</p>
<p>“Living text-free for nearly 65 years. Never missed anything important.” - Your grandparents may have felt the same way about phones. I think it is ok that each generation has favored communication modes… letters, phones, emails/text doesn’t matter - it’s just nice if they get answered </p>
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