How do you motivate a 14 year old to care about school?

Parent Cafe
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<p>What does he do on his vacations? Has he ever visited your local TV station and met the sportscasters? Has he ever toured the “back office” of a sports arena and seen the marketing department in action? Has he ever met a sports agent?</p>

<p>There are kids who can think big and others who need more concrete examples. If he hasn’t had his horizons broadened… time to start. HS can be very boring, and if your son doesn’t like to read he doesn’t have that built-in escape hatch. But if he also sees the next 10 years of his life unfolding with the same blah blah blah that he’s getting in HS, I don’t blame him for not putting forth 100% effort.</p>

<p>See how you can inspire him. Not by nagging him to study, but by introducing him to what his adult life could look like.</p>

<p>Does he have a job? He needs one. A lot of kids who can’t quite see the path from classroom to their adult life are helped by seeing the real world. My own kid mopped floors at a fast food restaurant (the closing shift) which lit a fire underneath him. His co-workers were people who literally had no other options-- no education, no family to help them get through college, no social structure which valued education. And some of them were so smart!</p>

<p>Wrote a college essay about getting grease out of his uniform which was the icing on the cake.</p>

<p>In addition to the testing suggestions above- when was his last eye exam???</p>

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<p>"I wrestle with this exact same thing. I must say, however, this article made quite an impression on me. I can’t say I have implemented it all myself for my 15 yr old son, but I am trying.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/helicopter-parents-need-to-stop-being-cheerleaders-and-start-letting-their-kids-fail-2014-2"&gt;http://www.businessinsider.com/helicopter-parents-need-to-stop-being-cheerleaders-and-start-letting-their-kids-fail-2014-2&lt;/a&gt;"&lt;/p&gt;

<p>With all due respect, most public schools do not care if your child starts getting C-'s and D’s. Especially a child that’s not in the honors program. That tactic would not work for my son.</p>

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<p>He wears updated lenses! But good question.</p>

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<p>Says who? Even on this forum where everyone is (supposedly) a genius you read all the time about upward trends in grades. </p>

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<p>Contrary to popular opinion, not everyone can be above average. Seriously, for no honors courses, a 3.0 for the first semester of high school probably rules out Harvard but isn’t exactly indicative of smoking dope behind the bleachers. Here in CA - a 3.0 and 1000/1600 SAT will get you into quite a few decent CSUs (Sonoma, Sac, Monterey, Channel Islands, etc). Most states offer similar opportunities for kids with a B average. </p>

<p>You have a fine line to walk - whipping him into compliance while not making him hate you. Some kids need help learning how to take notes, study for tests, tell what assignments are important, keep a calendar, etc. Try working with him on that level. Encourage him to reach out teachers and counselors at school - ask questions in class, and after class if need be. If there’s a teacher he is having trouble, schedule a meeting for the 3 of you - be sure he understands what the teacher expects.There’s also nothing wrong with peer tutors and study groups. And - Kahn Academy is an AWESOME and free on-line resource for pin point challenges in math, science, etc. </p>

<p>Make him participate in the school community. Plays, sports, student gov, music, the video game club…whatever, it will force him to engage in school on a different level and allow him to identify with a different group of kids. </p>

<p>Also, growing up in a single parent household isn’t always a picnic. Perhaps there are some challenges you can help him through - or at least understand. </p>

<p>Keep him talking, motivated and stay on ‘his’ side. Have him teach you how to play a video game - or whatever he does for fun - and really look for the joy in in it. Encourage him to do his best - that doesn’t mean he will get a 4.0. Accept that the path you want for him may not be the one he chooses. </p>

<p>My older son got a slow start in high school, He’s now a freshman Econ major in an Honors program at Chico State, getting great grades and loving life. Of course, I wanted him to ‘work harder’ and go to Stanford but, that was my dream, not his…</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>@JoBenny Without some change occurring, I am confident with him it gets worse, not better. With the oldest, he self-corrected and it was easier because he was always reading and always had strong math grades. With the youngest, I really don’t see a self-correction occurring. Or if he did “wake up” say by the start of junior year, he wouldn’t have the math foundation after several semesters of lackluster grades or the reading speed required to buckle down, as he doesn’t read for leisure.</p>

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<p>“Here in CA - a 3.0 and 1000/1600 SAT will get you into quite a few decent CSUs (Sonoma, Sac, Monterey, Channel Islands, etc). Most states offer similar opportunities for kids with a B average.”</p>

<p>A B average in 9th grade turns into a C+ by senior year = 6 years at the local commuter or “party” college for a mickey mouse degree. I don’t want it to end like that for him. He’s so young, he doesn’t have any idea what the real world is like.</p>

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<p>I agree it is hard, if not impossible, to motivate another to “care about school”. </p>

<p>You can, however, convey your expectations, provide clear guidelines for how to achieve said expectations and impose penalties when they are not met. I would first make sure this kid does not have any kind of LDs though. Of course, not every disinterested kid has ADHD/LDs, but I would still want to rule them out first. Being able to read two books during break does not rule out underlying problems. Kids pick up coping mechanisms. Doing well in school may actually be much more difficult for him than his older sibling for any number of reasons.</p>

<p>How about setting aside time every night after dinner as study time (I would see this as setting a guideline for him to achieve your expectations)? Ask older child to help more with post dinner clean up so you can be near younger child to go through upcoming assignments and tests. I imagine your son will balk at this quite loudly, but with time it could become a normal part of the schedule. It could start out as simply as the child spends a few minutes telling you about each class. </p>

<p>If you tell him you expect xy and z, and the penalties are losing whatever privileges, I imagine you will end up with a lot of penalties imposed. This is why I suggest providing guidelines for how to achieve the expectations. At 14, he probably still needs lots of guidance for how to do well in school. It came easily to your older child, but younger one seems like he needs really to learn how to learn. Sending him up to his room is not working. I think he probably needs more oversight while doing his homework, check lists for daily school responsibilities and access to a quiet, distraction free work space. </p>

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<p>I’d have him hold that 3.0. Certainly continue to crack the whip on homework, and take that phone away when he is supposed to be doing it. He can play nerfball all he wants; he will get sick of it. Use those carrots and sticks to keep him at the current level. </p>

<p>I agree with the above poster that the key to his doing better could be him finding a school activity he cares about. Does he play a sport? An instrument? Does he like wood working? I would insist he get involved in something. </p>

<p>I like the idea of a job, too. Is he too young? If he is, how about a long term volunteer project? Humane Society? Seems like he needs something besides girls to be excited about. A non school activity with adults, where he is treated like an adult, could be useful. </p>

<p>Don’t give up on him. Some kids just take longer to mature. Some kids (and I have one) need to make their own mistakes. A lot can happen in four years. And if he ends up at community college to start, well, that IS a start. It is isn’t the end.</p>

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<p>If you think that he could get excited about the freedom and social activities waiting for him down the road at college maybe it’s time to start talking up not just the academic but fun opportunities at college. If you can get him hooked (maybe take him to a couple of college games - whatever he’s into) then have the conversation about the importance of Sophomore and Junior year if he wants to go. In the end only he can do the work. Maybe the motivation of a great college experience waiting for him in a couple of years will do the trick.</p>

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<p>Several years ago, we dealt with this. Our family expectation is that each kid works to his potential whatever level that happens to be. One son was owning the brilliant slacker title. He wouldn’t apply himself, raced through work etc. His test scores though, showed a pattern of very high ability.
After a lot of frustration, we realized that the only way to get him to apply himself consistently was to get him on board with what those high grades could bring him. My husband sat him down and showed him “a tale of two salaries.” He took a sheet of paper and divided it in half. On one side was a modest salary representing slightly above minimum wage. On the other was the average starting salary for the field our son was interested in. Then he listed expenses, rent, car insurance, health insurance, gas, food, taxes, etc. It all got subtracted. Well, you can guess, there wasn’t a lot left over. My husband asked him what else he might like out of life. Vacations? House? Car? Now, add in retirement savings. Then we made it clear that son was not going to live at home after graduation, period.
Son was never perfect after that but, his turn around at school was widely noticed. He barely eeked his way into the top 10% by graduation time. He’s now a high performing college student. It can happen. :)</p>

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<p>No one knows your child better than you. What he’s capable of, or what his potential is. I would just hate for anyone reading this thread to jump to the conclusion that their “B” 9th grader student is destined for the future you’ve already carved out for your son. Good luck!</p>

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<p>If he doesn’t know what the real world is like, you can teach him. If he’s too young to flip burgers, he can mow lawns, rake leaves, shovel snow, get a job painting houses this summer. He can volunteer at a nursing home. He can start “earning” his minutes (or his share of a family plan) by doing odd jobs and running errands in the neighborhood.</p>

<p>Forcing him to read isn’t going to make him care about school. The only way he’s going to care about school is when he starts to connect the dots between his adult life and what he’s doing now.</p>

<p>Does he do household chores willingly and without an attitude? That’s a good place to start. Is he helpful to elderly family members (washing grandma’s car, etc.)? In my book, work ethic is work ethic. Gotta start somewhere.</p>

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<p>It may be pricey, but UPenn has a summer program in “Wharton sports business academy.” Maybe it would motiviate him by providing some concrete experiences that are closer to his interests?</p>

<p><a href=“Academic Programs - The Wharton School”>http://www.wharton.upenn.edu/academics/sports-business-academy.cfm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>He’s only 14. For boys especially, that is really young and immature. A lot can change. And frankly, many who don’t shine in high school end up shining in life. It sounds like he has great people skills>></p>

<p>I would definitely try to have him evaluated for learning disabilities (tell him it is a helpful way to know his learning style). ADHD/ADD can be diagnosed by questionnaire via primary care if you prefer, but you haven’t mentioned a lot of the symptoms, though focus is certainly an issue.</p>

<p>I don’t know how aware you are of the comparisons you are making between the two brothers. There is nothing at all wrong with community college: that can be a place where a kid grows, thrives and moves on. The career programs are fantastic for some students. And honestly, not everyone has to go to college either.</p>

<p>I would work on your own attitudes and try to value his strengths. It’s surprising what that can do.</p>

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<p>I would say don’t try to fight this battle by yourself, you will only end up with a ruined relationship and a son who rebels by studying less. Look for allies at the school, team coaches, even friends. At private schools there are often guided study halls which are great ways to tech study skills. In the publics that tends to carry a stigma and be for real problem children. If private school is an option it might be something to consider, if LPS is the best choice maybe look for an after school/evening program that provides study support. Or even a tutor. Having a prearranged time to just sit down and get the homework done often makes it feel less overwhelming, and lets him feel confident he will still get his free time.</p>

<p>In general I would suggest trying to find him some mentors. Working is a great idea, particularly with adults, real world experience of choices and consequences, good and bad. Also, look to a coach, coaches are often great source of motivation for academic discipline.</p>

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<ol>
<li>Breathe. He is fine. He is a 14 year old boy. Of course he isn’t interested in homework. </li>
<li>Remove the cellphone from his hot little hands during homework time.</li>
<li>The homework computer/laptop has to be in a part of your home where you can (very casually) keep an eye on it.</li>
<li>Homework is NOT EVER done upstairs, in his room, in the basement, or in a place where there are distractions like nerf basketball. Set up a spot that is sort of quiet, but where you can (very casually) see what is going on. He should not be able to watch TV where he is sitting. That completely unused dining room table is ideal.</li>
<li>Be very clear, and be absolutely sure he understands, the relationship betweeen bad grades and sports participation. Most high schools have a clear policy.</li>
<li>Set an agreed time for him to do homework. After dinner, maybe.</li>
<li>Be available, but not helicoptery. An occasional, “How’s it going?” is enough. That will jerk him back into the moment, give him a chance to ask for help, and not be too intrusive.</li>
<li>Be very sure that he is in classes appropriate for his developmental level. Not the classes you think he <em>should</em> be taking, no the classes his older sibling took, not the classes your friends’ kids are in, but the classes that are right for him.</li>
<li>Look (without making him or yourself crazy) for issues that might also be contributing to this. Probably there aren’t any, but listen and look.</li>
<li>Back off. He has to do this himself.</li>
</ol>

<p>I have a very smart, very stubborn, very athletic, very anti-homeworky daughter. As a hs junior she is fine. But up through seventh grade she was awful, in terms of homework and working to her ability. What changed?

  1. She got older.
    ***<strong><em>2. We took her out of the gifted math class she had tested into. </em></strong> This was the single most important thing we did for her! Her grades were OK, but it took too much effort for her to maintain. She avoided ALL homework because she didn’t want to do that math homework. That single class affected everything else in her life.
  2. I backed off homework patrol, and let her flail a bit.</p>
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<p>Once you can get to this point OP, and stop comparing your youngest to his brother and his father, you’ll be on your way. And so will your son.</p>

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<p>You’ve gotten some great advice here, OP. Have you considered talking to some of his teachers to hear their take on your son’s performance? Not to say, “how can we fix this kid?” but instead, “what do you think is going on?” If there’s a particular teacher whose class he enjoys, maybe that one could give you solid suggestions for improvement/motivation. The teacher might even volunteer to mentor your son a bit.</p>

<p>One of my kids was not performing well in a 9th grade math class. My d and I met with the teacher, and not only did we have a great conversation, but the two of them became close. This teacher (who taught her three times, including for calculus) wound up writing a rec for my d’s college applications, and my d wound up with very solid math test scores. She really made a difference by focusing on my d as an individual.</p>

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<p>“If I let him study in his room he’s on his iPhone the entire time.” The kids I see with these toys are incredibly distracted by them. They are texting and watching youtube in class. Don’t believe the school if they say this is against school policy or something. It’s happening. The few I tried to work with in student activity groups were impossible. They literally cannot get their eyes off these phones and focus on what they are supposed to be doing. I would never put an iphone in the hands of my 14 year old. If this were my child, at this point, I’d take the iphone away, and say he gets it back when he has a 3.5 average. </p>