<p>Have you found a way to help your high school student get focused on school work? Motivated to try harder?</p>
<p>We have a son (sophomore) whose grades are far below what he could earn. He does well if he "likes" the teacher but if not, he doesn't try.</p>
<p>What we've tried: asking him about school (he likes clubs and sports but, no, he doesn't like class/the private school we're sending him too is too small--but he doesn't want to enter the public school as a junior); encouraging him (we know you can turn it around this semester!); calling 2 of his teachers (he's a nice, smart kid but a bit of a class clown); sitting down with him to help him organize his binders and notes, which he hates and which doesn't seem to get any better.</p>
<p>I don't know if this is relevant, but he has an older sister who excelled and is in a tough college.</p>
<p>Thanks for any suggestions for what we can do or how we should think about this.</p>
<p>Junebug--I don't have a lot of answers for you. I would bet you'll start getting some very wise ones from some of the elders on the board, however. I have two high school sophomores too and although their grades are good, I am struggling with a lot of issues with them too. Try adolescence in stereo for a life challenge.....a lot of times I just feel like crying.....</p>
<p>I used the book "Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" as my bedside reading through my first child's teenage years. The book does address school issues and other things of course as well. It is available on Amazon of course.</p>
<p>Also, try Googling "how to motivate your teenager" and you'll find lots of hits, some of them may be helpful. Best wishes, and you have so much company.</p>
<p>Thanks Patient for citing the two books- The situation with our S was similar except that he was always on the honor roll, just did not care to go the extra mile or to apply to more challenging or suitable colleges. School was a necessary evil to him. His EC experience was non-existent so he was disappointed when Tufts and Dartmouth declined admission. Now he is at a state school in their honors program and has a 3.9 GPA. Most people would say so what is your issue Dad? The known: he is capable of much more. The unknown: would an education from a more prestigious,academically demanding college be more helpful to his career and would he really buckle down and start to "get with the program"?....The sad fact is that he was immature when he applied to colleges and now two years later regrets that he did not push himself to be with ,as he says" other students who care about learning" GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I am sure that we ,his parents ,did not manage the process properly,so we take some of the blame. On the other hand his sister who "Gets the program", but finds math to be "stupid" ,struggles a little more to even come close to honor roll. My advice to you Junebug is that maybe you should apply more pressure than you have. I know that we did not and had run an open, fair and democratic household. Only to have our son now say to us that we should have insisted that he do this or do that. He also said why would you leave such an important life decision up to a 12 or 16 or 18 year old?</p>
<p>my sophmore is having a much more difficult time this year. Classes are much more difficult, friendships are much more difficult, lots of reasons why grades are down.
We found that the classes she did best in, were classes where the teachers were very organized, clear about expectations and assignments and how she could succeed. Not even necessarily her favorite classes- but clear instruction helps a lot.
My older daughter who did very well in school, had learning challenges that weren't obvious until 11th gd. As school gets increasingly more demanding, it is possible that previously hidden learning differences, come out and can't be compenstated for as easily any more.
If he is really interested in attending a larger school, junior year does seem to be a year when students change. It isn't just about going to a school with their friends, but they often want a lot more input on the feel of the school and how involved they will be.
I would suggest at least looking at it- and having it in back of head as resource. My older daughter attended a very small private school, and while she liked her classes, it was difficult being in such an enclosed environment</p>
<p>OT message to Songman: I very much recall the struggles you went through when your S was applying for colleges, for the reasons you mention here. It's hard to know if it's worth spending the big bucks when the kid may not be commited.</p>
<p>However, now that he's seen the light and would like more challenge, has he considered transfering? My D was in an Honors program in a state U, for different reasons, but ultimately also frustrated by the lack of academic seriousness there. She didn't make the decision to transfer till January (she was a freshman), but was able to identify and get in applications to three excellent LACs by March, was accepted by all three (like your S, had stellar grades) and was much, much, happier in the new school.</p>
<p>He's doing the right thing, getting fantastic grades, so doors will be open for him if he chooses that route.</p>
<p>Songman--same question as Garland--why not try transferring? I don't know that being pushy works with 16 and 17 year olds. It hasn't worked for me yet. :).</p>
<p>My son is only 12 so I don't have answers for you, but anticipate that we will be in much the same place three years down the road. He has the advantage of having an older sister who has been through the college application process and I think that has helped him recognize the need to do well. He just hasn't translated that into action. Bottom-line is that with all children, they have to want it for themselves. Sometimes a change of scenery can be a good thing and if he he not applying himself to his course of studies at his small private school, maybe a large public is not such a bad idea.</p>
<p>thanks to all of you. I think we do have to apply more pressure, songman. I realize that I've begun to expect less of him--which is the opposite of what he needs. And, emeraldkity, it's a a good idea for our S to look into the public school, if only so that he knows we would seriously consider it & that it's his choice. You also made me think about learning differences. I'd never thought about that; I'm going to do some reading. And patient, I'm getting that book! Again, thank you.</p>
<p>good luck trying to push a teenager who doesn't want to be pushed. It may work, but may end up just being a frustrating exercise for everyone concerned (think herding cats), or even backfire. Of course, some teens want parental reminders, or "nagging". My son did. I seemed to be a human Post-It note. That doesn't mean that he was pleasant when I did it, but when I asked him if he wanted me to stop he would say "no", so he obviously found it helpful on some level. He was always very ambitious, but sometimes had trouble translating his long-range goals into what needed to be accomplished day by day.</p>
<p>Garland- thanks for remembering about our "tough love" decision to take the easy way out so to speak when it came to his college choice. My son attended a private high school ,class of 50, and now says that the private school prepared him well for university work. He is happy we forced him to attend the private school. Now he is enjoying the "coasting" at UMASS...Although he also says the "It is easy to shine when most students don't care"....I discussed transferring to Skidmore or Kenyon- Two schools he liked and was accepted to in 2004 - He said" it is too late now to transfer now that I am a sophomore in my second semester"- His parents still do not see in him the drive to excel. You know the same drive you see in the kids that "get it"! He has a chance to reach the absolute top at UMASS yet he has not joined any clubs,or the school newspaper (he is a writer), or any EC's for that matter. He also refused to speak to anyone in the guidance office of the honors program. (extreme introvert) We would be happy if we saw half of the drive of the kids that "get it" It is frustrating for us but also for him. He is afraid to transfer for fear that he will be alone in a new school and the drinking devil friends he has now (he doesn't drink though, but he claims that is all they do at UMASS) are better than the ones he doesn't know"</p>
<p>I repeat again ,for a lack of any other ideas to Junebug- just make some decisions for him whether he likes it or not- learn how to apply the pressure and when to let up....the "some battles are not worth it" theory , other battles are definitely worth it. We should have forced him to go to Skidmore ,then if he showed a lack of maturity or that he was wasting his time and our money then seek a transfer to UMASS.....oh well... As parents we are learning and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it all....as we are older and wiser- we hope?</p>
<p>This is one of the most interesting posts on CC that I've ever read. How much to push and how much to back off? Two of my friends' kids said the same thing to them and it nearly killed them,:"Why didn't you push me harder? I could've gone to a better school".. It's so hard because as parents we don't want to become enablers but at the same time we don't want them to fall through the cracks or miss opportunities that may be available to them if they'd just step up some. What a tough line to walk!</p>
<p>When I hear of a college kid complaining, "Why didn't you push me more when I was younger?" my thought is that he was manipulating the situation when he was younger and he is still manipulating. Only so much force can be applied to an immovable object! I have told my younger son that doing well in high school will expand his college choices. I insisted that he participate in a fall sport. He is not doing anything this winter except concentrating on his studies (and video games) He is actually trying to get good grades for a change. (HS junior)</p>
<p>I am just anticipating my kids telling me I did everything wrong and me helping them find good ins so they can afford therapy.
( actually I am already getting hints from my 23 year old)
I think that a lot of things are different in retrospect.
They may say now that they wish you had done more- but at the time- that might have been way too much pressure.
Yes we don't want them to miss opportunities, but there will be other opportunities, ones they make themselves.</p>
<p>I believe in being involved with and supporting our kids, but some of the choices are theirs, and this is a great time for them to realize that our decisions have consequences. They may not have taken advantage of all the opportunities in high school, which has the consequences of possibly limiting their choices now, but I bet that they now will be much more aware of future opportunities and take advantage of them</p>
<p>For our son, what helped was harder courses and more flexible teachers. This required a transfer to boarding school, which required outright bribery to get him there.</p>
<p>You mention the older sister who excels. You want to be careful about comparisons; in my experience, they always backfire.</p>
<p>I agree that some choices should be the child's, but I don't think which high school he/she should attend should be one of them...especially for a 14 year old sophomore. I have learned in my years in education that kids will perform to the level of their parents' (or teachers') expectations. If these are low, then performance will be low. I personally can't see spending money on private school tuition for an unmotivated kid who feels it's OK just to do enough to get by. The parents of several kids at my D's relatively pricely private school felt the same way and told their sophomores to get it together or they'd be attending public school the next fall. Interestingly, the ones who transferred to the public schools (very good and difficult schools for students who choose that path, but also with a much easier track available) have excelled far more than they did in the smaller private school. I do think sophomore year should be when the rubber meets the road. Don't wait until after the junior year to transfer.</p>
<p>I pushed #1 in piano, with the result that he completely stopped playing for several years (he has come back to it now, the last couple of years, though). I pushed my 12 year old to take piano (she clearly has musical talent), and we tried four piano teachers with her (different types of teachers, hoping one might inspire her), with the result that she told me she "hates piano," so we dropped it. I even remember saying to her. When you are older you are going to wish I had made you do it! Now she is playing again, not well, but experimenting, and playing Fur Elise over and over again, and my husband remarked on it, and I said, "well I know how to stop that--I'll just sign her up for lessons again!" (Though it might be worth it if this continues, to force the issue and sign her up one more time just long enough for her to learn a couple of other pieces!) </p>
<p>I pushed my 16 year old to be in the school musical, because she loves musicals and was even the lead in one in jr. high, and I was convinced she would regret it if she didn't, but she hated the director and dropped out yesterday. She was so miserable. I could have probably made her stay in, but why?</p>
<p>I tried so hard to get my now 19 year old to be in a school play, suggesting every year since sixth grade, "try out for the play. They need boys. You'll love it." Recently he said to me "Why didn't you make me do drama in high school?" I looked at him and said "Where were you all those times when I tried to get you to take drama? How was I supposed to MAKE you do it? If I could have, I would have!" </p>
<p>I don't know, either I'm just not heavy handed enough (but what's left to do? Beat them?) Or maybe my kids are just ornery 'lil stinkers. Anyway, I decided my kids will do better if I don't push too hard. But, still I find myself, every once in awhile, still pushing! But I'm getting better. Maybe because I'm almost 50 and just don't have the energy to push as much.</p>
<p>The biggest motivator for my Sophmore son was the opportunity to visit the NC Chapel Hill campus while on a family vacation. We stayed overnight at the hotel on campus, explored the campus on foot and ate at the "Rat". Then he attended a home game at UT, visited his cousins dorm and became a Longhorn fan. Exposure to these campuses has him working to his fullest potential at this point without a word from us. These may not be top schools to a lot of people but for my son who is not a naturally gifted student, they are.</p>
<p>Junebug, Im in the exact same situation as you with my younger D( a Junior). It is counterproductive at this point in the game to try to push harder, it is at this time that the kid has to do it themselves. There are risks with parenting teens and pushing harder may result in a scenario where poor grades are the least of your problems. Unfortunately the experience of the teenage parent is how to deal with your own feeling of failure from you reducing expectations. I know its tough.</p>
<p>There is nothing that you can do except hope that your kid will 'get it'. A job at a grocery store packing bags may give him some motavation when he sees what life is like for people who choose not to go to school. Otherwise you just need to wait until your child matures a bit more. His brain is growing at its own speed - You can have no more control on this than you could get him to grow taller. If he doesnt get it then there is community college and excellent opportunities to transfer. It is much better for all if your son takes the time to figure it out at a super cheap community college that at an expensive 4 year college. it is never too late for him to find the right path, but it is a real risk that he may find himself on the right path but when hes not ready yet. If he ends up quitting he is better off quitting after 2 years with an associate degree from a Community College than flunking out of college with nothing - look at the graduation rates of 4 year colleges in the US - loads of kids flunk out before graduating.</p>
<p>Be careful who you get advice from on this topic. Lucky parents with typical CC super kids didnt experience what you are and parents with kids under 15 dont know what theyre in for yet. There is not much you can do except give him space and support to grow and try to remain his friend.</p>
<p>NJRES- I am partially joking but THROW OUT THE VIDEO GAMES NOW! My S will tell you now at almost 20 years old that he wasted many years trying to placate the video game gods and that he could have been more productive with his time. Another regret we parents have is that we should have thrown them out or taken them away. We did restrict his time on video games, but then we found out he exported all of them to the computer-so he was addicted again...Video games,Instant Messenger, myspace.com are all evil IMHO in the hands of introverted immature children/teens.</p>