<p>Now that the decision has been made for my soon to be freshman to be going to school about 1500 miles from home, I'm wondering, how does one remain a supportive involved parent from that distance? I don't want to be a hovering annoying parent, I just want stay relevant in his life and also feel somewhat connected to his school.</p>
<p>Many schools have parent listserves. See if his does. That can help connect you with his school. Otherwise you could get a facebook account and be his friend ;)</p>
<p>Whether your son is 1500 or 15 miles away, you could only be as involved as he lets you. I think the key is “supportive.” I find with my older daughter, if I approach it from being supportive instead of “control” then she lets me be more involved with her life. I have learned to take a few deep breath over the phone, rather than give my opinion right away.</p>
<p>It has been discussed about on the forum a few times…I would suggest for you to have a discussion with your son while he is still at home about academic expectation and money. It’s much easier to have those discussions face to face.</p>
<p>Skype, texting, and cell are great ways of staying in touch. I speak with D1 daily.</p>
<p>D1’s school also has webcam around the campus. I’ll look at sometimes to check on the weather - her school location is known for severe winter weather.</p>
<p>schools have webpages which list news, activities, and even have webcams. one can view the webpage and always feel connected, even from a distance. when S1 left for school (also 1500 miles away) we agreed to speak on the phone every sunday. it became a routine and to my surprise the frequency of phone conversations sometimes expanded into the week. this is a time for him to stretch, become more independent, and for us to change the dynamic of our relationship. basically, i no longer parent him, but i remain supportive and involved. he just completed his second year, manages his affairs quite nicely, which included securing a fellowship for the summer. he’s doing research at a place with no luxuries–phones, power, etc, for two months. mail arrives once a week, so we now write the old fashioned way. i trust you, too, will figure something out which blends old forms with new forms of communication and support.</p>
<p>Agreed with Oldfort. Our first child went to college about 2 1/2 hours away. We thought we’d get to see him periodically between vacations. Didn’t happen. The second child is completely across the country. To be honest, she spends more days per year at home than the first kid.</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters if the kid is 3 miles away or 3000 miles away…you are parenting “long distance”…which means that you are letting your kid become more independent.</p>
<p>Don’t expect to be as relevant or as involved as you were in high school. Everyone, both parents and kids, needs to move onto the next step.</p>
<p>The student controls the level of communication unless you have some other method of control. Some students do great with independence and others flounder and get read the riot act after the first semester due to mismanagement resulting in poor grades.</p>
<p>If your son is more in the independent group, then he should be able to manage although there may be necessary adjustments.</p>
<p>There’s a of tech for communications today: instant messaging, voice chat, video chat, cell phone, email, snail mail, etc. Kids on campus are typically very, very busy with school work and the social aspects of college life. Parents can feel like they are being squeezed out. I do recommend finding a hobby or doing something that you put off when you had kids to soak up some of the time that your kids used to take up.</p>
<p>you can insist that the kid call you to talk on a semi-regular basis (every week or two) to talk and stuff, but I wouldn’t recommend being more pushy.</p>
<p>We have said a phone call home on Sundays. And any other time you want. Texting has proven hugely connecting. But as far as “parenting” goes, that job is pretty much done by the time your kid goes across the country. If they want your advice at this point they will ask. If they don’t, they probably wont tell you. The only thing you can really do is say you will always be there with a listening ear and will always, above all else, refrain from judging. You have to accept the fact that you can no longer enforce your morals or rules on your kid and can only hope they have taken what you’ve taught and shown them to heart.</p>
<p>Ditto the ‘required’ Sunday call. also, remember to ask to be listed to receive a copy of grades (must be officially done), and also discuss the scenario for communication if son gets sick, or is admitted to health center overnight. There are strict privacy rules now that he is 18 regarding all health matters, even though parents are footing the bill.</p>
<p>Try to visit for Freshman Parents Weekend, and all the move-in activities. The more of his friends you meet, the more touch-points you will have for meaningful conversation.</p>
<p>Read the school newspaper on-line. DON’T call your kid, though texting is okay. Let them make the calls to you, since they have such wacky schedules. Have your kid sign the paperwork to give you access to health records, etc.</p>
<p>At this point in your son’s life, your role as a parent changes from a supervisory one to an advisory one.</p>
<p>Your son is legally an adult (or very soon will be), but he’s a fledgling adult. During his first year in college, he will be handling some things on his own that he never handled so independently before – such as travel arrangements, medical appointments, banking, and course choices. Let him know that there’s nothing wrong with being unsure of how to deal with these things, and that asking for advice – from you and other sources – is a smart thing to do, not an admission of failure.</p>
<p>The idea is to make your son feel free to use you as a resource, even though you are far away. You may be surprised at the number of practical questions you get – on all kinds of topics. I even had one of my kids e-mail me a photo of a slight injury, with the question “Hey, Mom. Does this look infected to you?”</p>
<p>Let your son know that he can also brag or complain to you. His friends may quickly get tired of hearing about the A plus or C minus that he got on that chemistry test, but you would be more willing the hear about the details, if he feels the need to discuss them. And on the day that he gets a horrible number in the dorm lottery, which will probably relegate him to a quad in the next county for sophomore year, you will probably hear about it for hours.</p>
<p>You can also make a point of keeping communications going without placing demands on your son. He may feel overwhelmed if you ask him to tell you about everything that’s going on in his life, but he will probably respond to an e-mail with a single question in it, like “Is that chemistry course turning out to be as hard as you thought it would be?” or “Did you go to the football game yesterday?” </p>
<p>You can also contact him to share news. He’s still quite connected to home, his high school, and his community. (This will change later on, but it’s true for most freshmen.) If the family buys a new car, or if his high school wins a state sports championship, or if the city is tearing up the road in front of your house, he would probably like to know. A quick e-mail from you giving him the news would probably be welcome and would place no demands on him.</p>
<p>One more hint: Try to “forget” to make arrangements with your son concerning what you’re going to do about mail addressed to him that arrives at your house. Then, when somethng shows up, you have an excuse to contact him, i.e., “An envelope arrived here from your bank. Do you want me to open it and tell you what it says, or should I just forward it to you?”</p>
<p>My kid calls us: on her way to class, when she’s bored, when she needs something.</p>
<p>We call her: when we haven’t talked for awhile, when we need to nag her about something (e.g. getting a job).</p>
<p>Conversations tend to be brief, often pointless, and usually pleasant (not the nagging ones). Its always nice to hear her voice, and I think she feels the same.</p>
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<p>Ditto here, seems like she’s always walking or riding the shuttle to class. The reception isn’t always great, and the conversations aren’t long, but she keeps in touch frequently and it feels natural, not obligatory.</p>
<p>The other support that she really appreciates are goodie boxes from home. I get the flat rate boxes and stuff them with fun stuff for Halloween or Valentine’s day, a mini-Christmas tree with ornaments for her dorm room, or just home made cookies to share with her suite mates. Fresh fruit from Harry & David is welcome during the winter months as well.</p>
<p>After the “soiling the nest” phase during the summer before starting college, I’m really happy that we’re seeing each other less but enjoying our time together much more these days.</p>
<p>The hardest part for me is going to be not reminding my “procrastinator” of deadlines, etc. I know I’m going to have to let her miss stuff so that she’ll finally learn to take care of the details at least somewhat in advance. I’ve sort of been the “have you taken care of this?” or that?" prompt. I’ve decided to step back now that she’ll be in college and let the chips fall where they may. Biting my tongue and not offering unsolicited advice is going to take daily effort on my part 
I trust her implicitly with the big decisions…it’s the little stuff I’ve managed that is going to have to stop.</p>
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<p>Honestly, I’d try to find genuine ways to have the new relationship that will soon start. In most cases your kids will still want and need you in their lives but probably not in the same way as in the past. Let the relationship evolve. You’ll probably wish they’d stop calling some days as they try to figure out how to iron or cook an egg.</p>
<p>doame, i was the same way with S1 and now S2 but remember, they are around students 24/7 who are constantly working towards deadlines and balancing academic, social, athletics, and work. it really helped S1 develop productive habits on his own.</p>
<p>Thanks morandi…that puts my mind more at ease. I hadn’t thought about dorm mates, RAs & all the fellow students etc. that will be around her. </p>
<p>Just the magnitude of this step stuns me. This is my first child graduating, reaching age 18 & heading off to college. I hadn’t anticipated either the enormous changes and evolution required in parenting.</p>
<p>“try to figure out how to iron”</p>
<p>I would hope that they know how to iron their clothes by the age of 18…</p>
<p>“try to figure out how to iron”</p>
<p>In older dorms at some colleges, it’s “try to figure out how to survive without ironing.”</p>
<p>The electric wiring in some older dorms can’t cope with an iron. Try it and you’ll blow a fuse. So kids have to learn about taking things out of the dryer and hanging them up promptly, rather than relying on “Oh, well, I can always iron it,” as they might do at home.</p>