<p>My kids also would not visit this site for anything. After all, I go here. Seriously though, I'm glad my daughter felt that way and that my son now feels that way - I think it would hugely increase the stress level for him to see all the chances threads, etc.</p>
<p>My kids were not interested in the college information part of CC--or in reading anything else--but they were VERY interested in what I was saying about them. At one point I got this email from my D: "Thank you for not posting information about when I was toilet trained. I can't believe people put that information on-line!"</p>
<p>S1 and S2 are night and day different academically. The difference is so obvious that there is no tip- toeing around it. S2 knows he is not in the same league with S1 academically.</p>
<p>S1 is at his first choice, our big state u, on a full ride. S2 (and H and I) knew that he did not have the scores for that school so there was no point in applying. With some research, we found 2 other (lower tier) state schools that S2 would likely qualify for and so he applied to those two. So far he has been accepted to one and is waiting to hear from the other on Dec.15. So our solution was..apply to different schools and to ones you think the chances of acceptance are realistic.</p>
<p>you have to not define success as "acceptances to top schools" mentality, that is where the problem starts</p>
<p>Success is so different from person to person</p>
<p>And its these words like "top" "prestige" "lower tier" that don't help</p>
<p>I would never even utter the words "lower tier" to either of my children or any of their friends</p>
<p>If you look at schools by fit, etc and not by ranking, preparation for failure, which seems to be the mindset, won't even be necessary</p>
<p>It has a lot to do with termonlogy, how the parents discuss the process with relatives, how gracious the relatives are, etc</p>
<p>As for comparisons, just tell family to stop it if they do that....</p>
<p>Younger D lived through older sibling's rejection in the EA round and a couple of waitlists on the RD round. She also saw that Big Sis went off to college anyway and is having a great time. </p>
<p>Of course, it is different when you have to live through it for yourself, but she does know that there are good times and bad times, but that it all works out in the end.</p>
<p>I am truly humbled...what a paradigm shift! Thank you for taking the time to contribute your thoughts. Thank you Calmom - I am not going to assume that my D will get rejected, and even if she does, I will cross that bridge when I get to it (thanks, Anxiousmom). My D and I had a discussion about safeties today. </p>
<p>Citygirlsmom - you are absolutely right. Once I stopped thinking of college acceptances as "success", my whole perspective changed! Today my D and I went on a mission to find the perfect chocolate doughnut and I had the best time ever. I figured I didn't want to lose a minute of my precious time with her this year.</p>
<p>First of all, as you know, admissions this year are MUCH more competitive than they were even a few years ago. There is the baby bubble plus many non-US students competing for spots. So let your S/D know that it's a different environment than when their brother or sister applied to the school.</p>
<p>I think it's important to act like its not a big deal to you which school they get into. Like "school X is great, but I really liked school Y too. School X is great, but school Y and Z also have the sports program (or whatever that they were interested in)". Keep emotions and worries to yourself. If/when rejections come in, be very calm. Sometimes it can make kids feel even worse if they know that you're worried or upset; it makes it seem like an even bigger deal. If they accuse you of being too calm and not caring, reassure them that you know they're a great kid, and that they'll end up at a school that's right for them, not for someone else. When you talk to friends/relatives, especially in front of S/D, be very happy about the schools that they got into. If friends/relatives try to label your children (oh, S is the smart one) don't put up with it. Your children are each different, whole people, with different gifts, not to be defined by comparison to anyone else.</p>
<p>As we all know, kids have a big tendency to compare themselves with siblings. From an early age I've tried to let mine know that they are very different, and that's fine! They each have different gifts and needs and everything doesn't have to be equal. At a young age, my son even wanted some money to make up for my clothing shopping trips with my daughter! I told him I'd be glad to go clothes shopping with him if he needed clothes but certainly no $$ or anything else to 'equalize'. Gradually I think that this has finally sunken it, now that they are 17 and 20 years old.</p>
<p>I have that same feeling. S2 is a brighter and more motivated student than S1. S1 had an <em>awesome</em> athletic hook that translated into recruitment, acceptance, and matriculation at an Ivy. </p>
<p>Can S2 get accepted to his brother's or another Ivy? Huge reach for anyone! We are concentrating on making sure he knows of other excellent schools that offer the programs that <em>he</em> will be interested in. S2 is currently doing a sophomore year abroad in France -- he is so different from his brother that it's like night and day -- and we're making sure he knows his college list will be different too!</p>
<p>There was a girl on this forum (Frecklybeckly, if I remember correctly), who's brother was accepted to HYP, while she was rejected by all 3. She sounded like a wonderful girl, and it was so sad to read her posts, as her brother's acceptances and her rejections were coming in... She ended up at U Mich, became spectacularly successful, (got a lead role in a musical as a freshman, had a research paper published, etc) -- so at the end she was very happy that she ended up where she did.</p>
<p>It is hard to follow a "successful sibling" or have a "successful" twin. And no matter what you say, it'll sting if the younger one is rejected by the schools the older one was accepted to. You can say that admissions became more competitive. You can say that they are not competing with each other. You can say that colleges are looking for specific characteristics, and maybe this year there are too many students with "her" profile. The key is for her to be sure that you are not disappointed in her, that you don't think that the sibling is "better" or "smarter". Without diminishing his accomplishments, you can probably say that he was lucky, and many students just like him were rejected by the same schools.</p>
<p>At the end it will all work out.</p>
<p>I think parents also have to avoid "talking up" any particular school too much, especially if you have another kid there, or if it's your own alma mater. When discussing safeties with them, make sure you say how proud you would be if they go there.</p>
<p>I am most concerned about not unconsciously lowering expectations for D2. I do think there are subtle signals we send as parents that can lead the younger sibling to expect less of themselves. It's not that we don't love and cherish them as much. It's just a function, I think, of age and fatigue and family dynamics -- how does a family handle two super stars? Sometimes I do float lower expectation balloons with D2 -- potential colleges that are less selective -- thinking I'm doing her a favor, taking the pressure off. This seems to annoy her. I don't think it's what she wants from me. She wants me to totally believe the sky is the limit for her. Just like I have for D1. This may mean a crash landing three years from now and it does make me very nervous. But I'm sensing that anything else would be to shortchange her. I think there's enough understanding now about the capricious nature of college admissions that no applicant or their family should ever greet rejection with a sense of tragedy.</p>
<p>Like others have said, help her create a list that fits her. I like collegeboard.com, collegedata.com and yes even princetonreview.com from the standpoint of generating lists. Then, start visiting. Her choices will naturally evolve based upon what she learns.</p>
<p>This summer I was worried that one of my twin Ds was less interested in the search than her sister. I also worried that her lack of interest would translate into her not having as many options. I see now that I was being silly. She has the same amount of options, she's just choosing not to explore them. She was content with her list as it existed then...1 reach, 1 match, 1 safety, and...since this summer, has consented to adding a couple more schools to it. The visits are key I think as they generate enthusiasm. When application time comes in ACK!! 10 months, my guess is that she'll have six good schools to send her aps to. The key is to remember that "good" is according to her specifications, not mine or her dads or her sisters.</p>
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I am most concerned about not unconsciously lowering expectations for D2. I do think there are subtle signals we send as parents that can lead the younger sibling to expect less of themselves. It's not that we don't love and cherish them as much. It's just a function, I think, of age and fatigue and family dynamics
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<p>Same with my family. Age and fatigue seems to ring true.
Except it does not work with D2. She is a go getter and a superachiever. She has received no help from mom, maybe a little from dad. While D1 received much more attention from mom. I just let her be herself. D2 is naturally very competitive.</p>
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Sometimes I do float lower expectation balloons with D2 -- potential colleges that are less selective --
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<p>It does not work. D2 is aspiring for HYP and Oxford like while D1 never even considered HYP. So much for the lower expectation theory. :)</p>
<p>Lowered expectations are fine. Sometimes parents are too emotionally tied up with the achievements of their first (and second) offspring. After your genetic worth has been proven through them, you relax and let the next child(ren) find their own way. </p>
<p>This may be ok if the first ones are self-motivated, but if it's the parent doing all the pushing, it's kind of hard on the kid.</p>
<p>My D (3rd child of 3) called me on this at a very early age. She claimed that when I told her that "whatever" was fine, as long as she had done her best, it meant I didn't care as much as I cared for her brothers. She also said it meant that I thought she was less smart and less capable. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I thought (and I told her) that I had learned valuable lessons at her brothers' expense and she was reaping the benefits of my new, more low key, hands off attitude! Well, she takes any question of her abilities as a challenge, tackles the hardest courses regardless of the potential for lower grades and applied to the selective (as well as match and safety) schools that SHE wanted to attend. Long story short she was admitted to schools I didn't think she'd have a shot at, attends one and is doing quite well, despite my concerns. I think I learned that what she thought of her abilities and goals was FAR more important than what I (or anyone else) thought. And in the end she ended up with what she wanted...another challenge!</p>
<p>^^^ It's like my MIL always says...you do the best you can do and they will zing you for it sooner or later anyway. There is a balance and it varies from kid to kid. Maybe a good way to deal with situations/dynamics like this is by encouraging them to have a reach on their lists. My guess is that that would encourage them to strive for it and reinforce the fact that you know they are capable.</p>