How Does This Practice Essay look?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Prompt: People talk too much about their feelings. They share their deepest secrets and innermost thoughts on television talk shows. They write revealing autobiographies. They buy books that advise them to tell others about their feelings. We would be far better off if we followed the advice of Florence Nightingale, a pioneer in the field of nursing, who thought that people too often waste their feelings by talking about them and should instead turn their feelings into actions that bring results. </p>

<p>Assignment: Is it better for people to act on their feelings than to talk about them? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<p>As mentioned in the prompt, Florence Nightingale served her country through works. Far too often people express their feelings and emotions in a way that gives others no benefit. Feelings per se, are intended to be kept privately. After all, you ascertain these “feelings” throughout your personal life. Now, that is not to say you should never release your emotions to the public world. The only way people can be concerned about well-being is through the expression of words. However, you should use those feelings and desires and turn them into something monumental.
Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States displays a great example of using his desires to benefit others. Abraham Lincoln’s mother described him as being “a just man.” Even at a young age, honest Abe had a heart for people of every race. He even recalled in one of his journals that as a child he wished for racial unity. Lincoln realized he could put these aspirations into effect, when he was elected into a governmental position. Through years of working his way up through the ranks, Abraham mounted on top of America – claiming the coveted presidency. As president, Lincoln made strides to unify all different kinds of races and to abolish slavery once and for all. President Abe successfully did just that, as he released the Emancipation Proclamation in the mid 1800’s. The sixteenth president of the United States parallels Walt Disney’s famous saying: if a man has a dream and has the ability to do make it reality, then there is no excuse for the incompletion of the project.
Although many figure-heads contribute to this fascinating topic, very few have used their ambitions, emotions, and feelings to help better others in their respected societies. I personally believe that feelings and emotions were made to be shared, but shared in a way that proves helpful to others. If one has no intentions to help or aid anyone else except themselves, then they should completely abstain from the public expression of feelings.</p>

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<p>Your first paragraph is poor. Referring to the prompt directly misses the point of the essay exercise. The essay is not a high school exam question. Rather the prompt suggests an area for a written discourse. Start off by stating the issue (as if you thought of it yourself). State your point of view (which side) on the issue. The introduce to the examples and perspectives that will follow.</p>

<p>In your first paragraph you repeat the prompt in words not so different from those of the prompt text. You don’t add substance to the general thesis statement, although you spend quite a few words repeating rather general thoughts</p>

<p>Your second paragraph is generic. It reads like a testimonial to Abraham Lincoln, as though you are answering the question “Who was Abraham Lincoln”. That you start off with the statement “the 16th president etc.” weakens your writing. Again this reads like your answer to some question in a history test. Ultimately though you don’t connect Lincoln’s feelings and inner secrets to his actions. No where in your essay is there a statement about him as a person with a reference to what “he” wanted to achieve in his life, and how he channeled his feelings into specific actions.</p>

<p>Finally your essay is short – especially on examples. You need at least one other concrete example.</p>

<p>The essay is likely to get a score in the 5-7 range.</p>

<p>I encourage you, without setting a time limit, to rewrite the essay in the spirit of the SAT. Focus on the topic, and what’s necessary to prove it. Write an outline. Research the examples you plan to use. Ask an English teacher for help in revising and correcting style and grammar errors.</p>