@2muchquan, no apologies necessary, happens to us all 
I wish my kids had been in some of your school districts. they had so much busy work in 4-6 grade that was irrelevant for a kids that grasped the concepts and could have better spent their time on hobbies or personal reading. CA and RI public schools by the way. Had issues at times as well where they couldnât read certain books for their 30 minute daily reading log because they were rated for higher grades and the teacher didnât have access to AR tests above a certain level.
@thumper, glad to see I"m not alone on the âlights out/bedtimeâ thing, I took a lot of flak about it from friends and family but to this day both my kids have great sleeping habits. I also required the quiet study time after dinner, generally in the den or at the kitchen table, no- television zones.
My kidsâ high school was known for giving out a lot of homework, but they also treated their students like college students. They were given a syllabus in every class, tests and papers were planned out very far ahead. Both of my kids danced 15-20 hours a week, so they had to manage their time and their grades well. D1 used to say that she had to spend just enough on each course to get an A, or her other classes would suffer. She didnât spend hours to perfect her paper or over study for a test.
My kids used to take Fri and Sat nights off. They didnât go out on weeknights or watched TV. Sunday was the day they worked ahead for the following week. This seem to be the schedule for most of their high school friends. A lot of them were highly ranked athletes, so they also traveled and trained during the week. Sunday was the day they worked ahead.
Looking back, I remember we had a lot of family dinners together. On nights when they didnât have ballet, we always ate together. We used to have some very good conversations. Like Thumperâs kids, my kids also didnât stay up pass 11 too often to study.
Parenting is about helping your children to become increasingly independent and responsible. To nurture that, never set up the contradictory dynamic of âIâm the adult so do what I say just because I said it.â Treat your child with respect, listen to him or her, guide him or her through your example.
Start by nurturing a love of learning. Talk to your child a lot, starting at birth. Talk naturally, using adult vocabulary. Explore the world together-- the garden, the zoo, the grocery store. Talk about what you experience!
Introduce your child to the magic of books and develop a lifelong reader. Read aloud to your child every day without fail! Talk about the books you read-- naturally, enjoying the book together (not like a quiz): âWhat would you do if you were this character?â, âI love the way the author words this!â, âWhat do think will happen next?â
Make reading and learning fun!
We never set ârulesâ in our house. We respect our son and believe that reasoning and decision making are important goals but blind obedience is not. To date our 15 year old has never gotten in trouble at school or at home, is a kind friend, is an A student in Advanced Placement classes, does not have to be told to do his homework, etc.
We never told our son how much TV to watch, but since weâve always watched it together, I guess we did not have to. He never watched a lot. I never told my son how much videogames to play. He only played them socially when friends came to visit or with us-- not every day, never more an hour in any given day, but we never named a time limit; he just enjoyed other things too, and we never made media into a tempting âforbidden fruit.â For him, media was and still is for social interaction. âAlone timeâ he used for imaginative play, story making, reading, researching.
Hereâs how he developed study habits. When he was little-- early elementary school-- we would ask, âDo you want to do your homework first or take a break first?â He would plan what he would do. Homework wasnât a big emotional deal, just a part of the daily routine, like brushing his teeth! We would sit next to him while he worked. Then we would help him put his books back into his backpack. In later elementary school and early middle school, we would provide materials for his projects and help with fine-motor components. By middle school/ high school, he was completely independent. I never tell him to do homework or check it. He just does it on his own. Occasionally he asks me to give feedback on an essay or to quiz him on Spanish words or something.
Donât make it so your child is working to please you or because they have lost a battle with an all-powerful parent. Let your child enjoy learning as inherently interesting (most of the time!), and enjoy the satisfaction of being treated with respect and making his own decisions (albeit with your loving guidance and listening ear as he reasons things out).
We had rules around our house. My kids operated within a certain box. The box got bigger as they got older. They always knew what they were allowed or not allowed to do. I generally gave them heads up few years ahead of time. As an example, they were not allowed to go on a date until they were 15, and no one more than a year older while in high school.
They loved ballet. My rule was if their (major) test grades went down to B more than twice, then they couldnât go to ballet classes until they pulled up their test grades again. Their long time ballet teacher knew the rule and she cooperated. I knew my kidsâ abilities, and I didnât want their EC to overshadow their academic.
NVM
I parented much like oldfort as well. There were hard and fast rules and expectations aligned with consequences. My kids also knew no dating until 16, no ECs if you didnât maintain honor roll, and had chores in the house they didnât get paid for, and bedtimes lol. And I absolutely believe the mantra âDo what I say because I am your motherâ, no explanations necessary. Parenting can take many formsâŠmy experience has been that each child is different but if parents put in the time and effort (in whatever way they feel best) the kids will be okay in the end.
I feel a bit embarrassed in that we did not have active conversations with either of our daughters - although they both are successful young women. We always encouraged our children to read. We made sure that our kids were involved in either an EC or sport each season through grade school. We believe that kids should be kids and have fun. Too much pressure is placed on them entirely too soon.
We had no rule for lights out or limiting screen time because it wasnât necessary. We watched TV as a family and then the girls went to bed at the appropriate time for their age. Phones, etc. were not allowed in their rooms before high school.
In high school, both of my girls understood that regardless of their GPA and test scores, the other side of the application would matter. We encouraged both of them to find ECs or volunteer work or both that they enjoyed. They both played a varsity sport. They were responsible to handle their own work load and we were happy to help if needed. We felt that part of high school was learning, on your own, to manage your time. Of course, we intervened before we let them drown.
I think the most important thing is to know your children and make sure that you are not a source of added pressure. In that, I mean that you can only push your child to do their best. If they are not capable of handling 6 APs and get As, then that should not be the expectation.
How does your child study?
Enough. Barely enough.
My brother in law was a high school teacher. He had grading and work to do at home every night. Starting as soon as they had homework, he and his two sons would sit at their dining room table together and do homework/grading until they were done. I donât think it was high pressure â it is just what they did. This went on pretty much through high school. Both kids were vals (and honestly, one wasnât a super high horsepower kid). Both are laid back (as is their dad), kind, and were involved in sports and other activities. One went to Bowdoin, the other to Williams. One is now a psychiatrist, the other a successful executive in the music industry. I always wished I had started that same routine with my kids the first day homework came in the door.
The only thing that surprises me in this discussion are parent rules of "no dating before 15"or âno dating before 16â. My daughter recently came by and asked me if she can go on a date during her spring break - and to her a date means going to a movie together and maybe holding hands. The idea of kissing is still a bit revolving to her - I just smile to myself. In any case, I told her that as long as it does not interfere with the rest of her life in any way, I donât see why not as long as I know the company she keeps and have no justifiable objections. I know at some point dating will no longer be the same as âspending time with friendsâ, but as long as she knows the limits, whatâs the harm? I am not asking sarcastically, but genuinely trying to understand if maybe my assumption is wrong. I ask because I saw negative side effects of parental bans - our friends forbid their son to play any video games, so whenever they come by to a party, their son just grans my daughter ipad to play some games like an addict, instead of spending time talking/playing with his peers.