<p>I am a little surprised by the posters who say that the decision is not the choice of the parents in this case. I’ve read so many posts on cc where parents of kids without disabilities talk about how they gave their child parameters as far as driving distance from home. Here is a child who may have additional transitions to make in adjusting to college; I most certainly think the parents play a major role in this decision.</p>
<p>Well perhaps as advisers, yes, definitely, but not as tyrants. </p>
<p>The parents should be able to say, “I strongly believe that Caltech is too far away,” but if the students is still adamant that he wants to attend I don’t think he parents’ say should be final. Perhaps professional counseling is warranted in that case to either assuage the parents’ fears or point out to the student the difficulties in his decision.</p>
<p>MagnoliaMom, parents play a role and certainly they hold the purse strings, but a high-functioning autistic 18 year old is legally an adult and needs to be given the respect of an adult. It’s quite possible that the OP’s brother has a an IQ that would make him the “smartest” in his entire family – so with autism & asperger’s you have a very unusual set of disparities.</p>
<p>Autistic children tend to follow a very different developmental trajectory than neurotypical kids. It is very easy to evolve into a helicopter parent when a child has special needs - and much harder for many parents in that situation to recognize when their teenager or young adult child is ready to function more independently or create an alternative support system among peers or unrelated adults in a new community.</p>
<p>That’s why I think that parents in such a situation do well to be open to and consider opinions from others who know their child well. (Not posters on this board, but siblings, peers, teachers, therapists who have worked with the son, etc.) Parenting a disabled child tends to create a relationship of co-dependency, so I think in that situation it is especially important to be open to input from others.</p>
<p>calmom: Exactly what I wanted to say; you were more direct. Brava!</p>
<p>While I’ve not parented a child on the spectrum, autism is my daughter’s field of research so I know a little (and just a little) about the development of autistic kids.</p>
<p>My only point was that many parents who are paying for college for their “normal” children will tell them as part of what they’re willing to provide, $xx,xxx for schools within an 8 hour drive, for example. I’ve seen that many times here. I think parents of a child with special needs have the same right to establish for their child what they are willing to pay for. </p>
<p>Sure, he may be 18 and legally an adult and brilliant, but if he’s not financially independent at this point (and most kids that age are not) then I think the parents have a voice in the discussion. I agree the discussion should involve the therapist but ultimately the parents have to buy into it. </p>
<p>For me, if my child had special needs, I wouldn’t be comfortable with NYC to Caltech distance for college; I would want to be able to reach them in a shorter time frame in case of an emergency. Independence can be developed from a school at a distance of 500 miles just as easily as it can be developed from a school at a distance of 1,500 miles.</p>
<p>There are parents of kids without developmental issues who post here regularly who have expressed that there are so many good schools in the northeast they don’t see the point in their child going that far away. This is no different. Just my two cents.</p>
<p>Well I wouldn’t have thought to put parameters on my kid’s school list. CA or NY or Chicago or Texas. It was up to them.</p>
<p>And DD was in Great Britain for six months.</p>
<p>And yes, we paid for it.</p>
<p>And in some cases, a student on the autistic spectrum will actually miss parents less.</p>
<p>Nothing is written in stone. If it turns out to be a bad fit, there’s always transferring.</p>
<p>I know that many other moms thought I was strange to “let” my daughter go to school in NYC after 9/11. I thought “let” was a strange idea. Beside the fact that I was paying for it, as calmom points out, she was an adult, and that’s where she wanted to be.</p>
<p>I would never wield “the power of the purse string.” To me it’s controlling and tantamount to blackmail.</p>
<p>It was up to me to deal with any residual anxiety if I had any.</p>
<p>There are built in anxieties to most situations if we look for them, LOL. Right now I have a kid in the Berkshires in the winter with a car. Enough said. Be he has to learn to handle himself in the snow. Now is as good a time as any.</p>
<p>I agree that there are built in anxieties in most situations if we look for them and sometimes we have to just let it go. But I don’t consider the “power of the pursestring” controlling and tantamount to blackmail if it’s a decision that’s made with input and consideration of all issues. Not all parents will pay for their child to attend college. Some parents will pay for undergrad but not for grad school. It’s a family decision that affects everybody in the family.</p>
<p>My child has studied abroad and traveled Europe and I paid for it. She’s currently applying to grad school programs all over the country and I’m sure we will continue to partially fund her living expenses while she’s in school. But those are decisions that my husband and I make as far as what we’re comfortable funding.</p>
<p>As a parent, I respect that the OP is a brother who cares unselfishly about his brother’s welfare. </p>
<p>I recall how my aunt asked my opinion about my cousin’s appropriateness for a tippy-top Ivy when we were both only l6 years of age. She had to ask me because his brothers were all younger, and I knew him well. </p>
<p>My aunt’s concern was that her son was shy, awkward and therefore too young to socialize or date. How could he possibly make friends or be happy?</p>
<p>I told her that, in my perception, he’d finally discover intellectual peers, and from there make friends in ways that he could handle. </p>
<p>So regardless of outcome, I want to shout out an appreciation to the OP for caring about his brother this way.</p>
<p>Like most others, I agree that it is so dependent on the individual, but in general, the transition to college is often challenging for ANY freshman, let alone one on the spectrum. One has to judge how prepared they are to live on their own and have supports in place to deal with their deficits.</p>
<p>For DS, we were hesitant to allow him to even leave town for college, but he made significant progress in his sophomore/junior years, and we opened up his parameters. His visits stretched all the way to the east coast (we’re in WI), but we eventually mutually agreed on some place within an 8 hour drive.</p>
<p>He just finished his first semester at a college 3 1/2 hours away. Without a parent to help guide him with scheduling, time management, and the like, he struggled quite a bit. He missed assignments, missed meals (NEVER would have guessed that one), missed meds, and didn’t adequately advocate for himself. After a month, he was so stressed and depressed (despite good support from the school) that he came home for 5 days to reset. That would have been very hard to do if he’d been across country.</p>
<p>Upon his return, things improved, though for a NM Scholar at a relatively unknown school, he’s not yet the academic star he was in HS. For him, attending a less challenging school was the right choice to allow him time to develop his abilities outside of academics. He’s already grown quite a bit in just a few months away, and we’re cautiously hopeful that he’ll adapt in ways that work for him (though there’s still a lot of work to be done).</p>
<p>As a parent, it was hard to let him take over so many aspects of daily living skills, but it was necessary to get him going along the path to independence. Looking back, I wonder if we should have put more of this on his plate earlier, but at the time, we didn’t feel he was prepared to take those things on. Doesn’t really matter now for us, as we can’t go back and change things, but does perhaps alter our future actions and advice.</p>
<p>Our judgment was to minimize risk by keeping DS somewhat nearby for any potential rescue or support missions. Sending a child far away for college is stressful for any parent, but doubly so for a young adult with limited living skills. It’s up to each family to determine where their child’s abilities lie and put them in a position to succeed and grow.</p>
<p>I have suggested repeatedly that the young man should apply to several colleges, including many closer to home – so that a decision can be made based on options available in the spring, much closer to the time that he will actually be going to college.</p>
<p>However, Cal Tech is “special” – in terms of the prestige of the institution, the opportunities it offers, and the college community. So it could be unreasonable for parents to place limits because of their own comfort level-- because the ultimate goal should be the young person’s ability to maximize his potential and lead a productive and happy life. To the extent that his autism creates more obstacles for him, it may be that much more important that he be at the best fit college, even if it is a different campus. He’s probably not a bloom-wherever-he’s-planted type of kid. The wrong social fit 20 minutes from home might be more devastating long term then a somewhat shaky adjustment period to the right fit thousands of miles away. </p>
<p>One aspect of the “special needs” of high functioning autism is that it takes extra work to lay a foundation for independent living. It is tough to lay that foundation when the apron strings are drawn too tight; it is easier to learn and gain experience at being independent when the situation forces a little more self-reliance. The worst case scenario may be scary, but the best case scenario is that without the parents being close by, the young person becomes more self-reliant and more ready to look to peers for support. </p>
<p>Again, each situation is different, depending on the individual. But parents of special needs kids have to be especially careful that their valid and commendable instincts toward nurturing and protecting their child don’t stand in the way of their offspring’s potential to mature into an independent and far more self-sufficient adult.</p>
<p>I’d add that if this young man strongly wants to attend Cal Tech – then he might need to take some initiative in becoming more self sufficient and demonstrating his progress to his parents over the next year. OP, as the older sibling, might be able to help by pointing this out to him – the autistic brother might not be aware that his high level of dependence on his parents or inflexible behavior at home are at the root of his parents’ fears. (Figuring out what’s going on in other people’s heads is not a strong point for those on the spectrum).</p>
<p>A sibling can be particularly helpful in this setting, because the sibling has a unique perspective on the family dynamic, and siblings have the ability to be quite direct and blunt with each other when needed.</p>
<p>I’ve lost track of the original question…wasn’t the OP asking “how far away would you send your autistic child?” or was it “should he go to CalTech?” Not sure about calTech. Clearly calmom likes to describe it, but I would like to share my personal experience of sending my aspie son to a school that was 6-7 hours away. (The school is a top-20 and he’s a smart kid. Got 790 in Math, 710 in Reading.) His experience at this school: Horrible! He made no friends. Zip! his roommate had a best friend across the hall, and a GF down in the hall, and an older sister living off-campus, so he didn’t ‘need’ my son. But my son needed someone to talk to, and found no one. It was a disasterous year.</p>
<p>He is finally adjusting to his current school, a small LAC that’s about 20 minutes away. I love having him so close: scheduling appointments is so much easier, and providing him some ‘space’ he sometimes needs when he’s feeling overwhelmed. For him anyway, having him 20 minutes away and at a much, much less competitive school has been great. Being away at college was enough. Remember, college is a whole lot more than academics.</p>
<p>CalMom has made several good points. </p>
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<p>This is exactly right. Fit is so important for autistic kids, and the right fit might not be close to home. I wish there were some school within four hours drive of my house that would fit my son. But there is not, even though I live in a large metropolitan area, so with trepidation we sent him half a continent away. Everything hasn’t gone perfectly, but it’s been clear from the start that he found the right fit for him. If I had to do it again, I’d send him again and not worry so much.</p>
<p>Thanks for the benefit of personal experience, limabeans. And you make a good point–sometimes you just need to take a chance on doing the harder thing, knowing that nothing is set in stone and a transfer to a nearby school can be done if needed.</p>
<p>MagnoliaMom: </p>
<p>It isn’t that I thought it would be prudent for our daughter to go to college thousands of miles away. It is just that I was unwilling to say, “Please limit your choices due to your special needs.” I felt she should make her decision on all kinds of criteria that were of her own choosing.</p>
<p>Now, that is different than saying, “Please go to a college within two hours’ driving distance because we can’t afford airfare.” There are many reasons to limit our kids’ choices, especially financial, that are not as emotionally potent as limiting them due to a special need.</p>
<p>I was unwilling to explicitly define college choices for her based on her disability, that’s all. I was unwilling to limit her identity to a label, for the present or the future. I was willing to trust that, with all the right information, she would make a good decision and deal with the consequences (and change paths later, as mythmom suggests, if needed).</p>
<p>With the kind of relationship that can evolve after many years of supporting a kid with special needs, I feel that I was MORE scrupulous about honoring her independence than with my other kids, for whom it was a less loaded issue.</p>
<p>None of this may apply to the OP’s son.</p>
<p>It is a big task to find medical providers, make appointments, get prescriptions, and also it can be very hard to have nowhere to go for a respite. These issues can be discussed if the teen is not able to think about them on his own. The parents can hope that he will make a prudent decision. Keeping all options open until May 1st is just a way of honoring the kid and saying to him, “You can make choices just like anyone else.”</p>
<p>Again, this may not be as important to kids and parents who are not dealing with disabilities. So parents of “neurotypical” kids may actually be more limiting, not less, if that makes sense.</p>
<p>I am also unwilling to assume I know what is better for my kids than they do. Sometimes they’re right; sometimes I’m right. But if I always follow my own judgment they can’t test theirs and learn.</p>
<p>And for kids with special needs the same dynamic prevails, except maybe more so, as calmom points out.</p>
<p>My mom did that to me. At a crossroads if I saw things one way and she another, we always had to do it her way. I missed a lot that would have been better for me that way.</p>
<p>I wanted my S to attend a university instead of his small, isolated LAC. I really wanted him to learn to be more expansive. He was adamant that he wanted the LAC. He had acceptances and two very elite LAC’s and two very elite unis. </p>
<p>I actually wanted him to go halfway cross the country to U of Chicago. It definitely has the best program in his discipline. (The other choice was Brown which I thought would be good for him for other reasons.) His picks were Vassar and Williams. Of those, I favored Vassar for complex reasons pertaining only to him.</p>
<p>So which did he choose? Williams.</p>
<p>Now he has always been very, very self-conscious. Not exactly shy because he can talk to people and make friends, but then he thinks they don’t like him. He have agreed to call it “extreme self-esteem issues.” He is neurotypical, well apart from the ADD. LOL.</p>
<p>In HS he made the varsity Academic Team (Quiz Bowl) and that helped a lot. And he got a very popular GF, and that helped too. I was afraid he would slide back into his shell at Williams.</p>
<p>Did he? Well yes. And no. I was right about some things. He was right about others.</p>
<p>But he is on his own path. Not one I selected for him.</p>
<p>We don’t necessarily know what is best for our kids, even ones with problems, even though we think we do. And even if we do? So what. </p>
<p>I can’t only echo the Grateful Dead. “What a long strange trip it’s been.”</p>
<p>My parents thought I was absolutely nuts to get a PhD in English instead of JD. Bonkers.</p>
<p>Good thing I didn’t need their money to complete my plan. I would have made more money as a JD, probably, but after 30 years of teaching college, I can say with great assurance that they were wrong and I was right.</p>
<p>“I was afraid he would slide back into his shell at Williams.”</p>
<p>After I graduated from college, my mother confessed to me that she hadn’t wanted me to go to Harvard. She thought that I wouldn’t get into plays/choirs/etc. there, and that I’d be lonely and frustrated as a result. Whoops! (There were plenty of things I tried out for and didn’t get, but more important ones that I did.)</p>
<p>Just to be clear, I was never suggesting that children or adults with autism be treated with anything other than respect and fully believe their independence should be encouraged and developed. However, I think parents play a role in this process. Isn’t that what parenting is all about? I’m not talking about controlling, apron strings, blackmail action as you’ve implied as seems to be the cc way. I’m talking about a process where all thoughts are brought to the discussion with input from the medical team, the parents, the child or young adult.</p>
<p>Those of you pushing in early posts for a school across the country when you don’t know the child or the family dynamics are putting a slant on this that is far from what I intended. My only thought when I originally posted was that just because a school with a good fit is across the country, maybe there’s another good fit that’s not across the country if that’s a concern of the parents (which the OP stated it was). It’s called compromise, finding a win-win solution.</p>
<p>As parents, I cannot honestly believe that you allow your children or young adults to make any and all decisions without your input and you just keep your mouth shut and pay for everything they want, sky’s the limit, no parameters. Oh, you want to drop out of school for good and go backpack across Europe because that’s where you want to be, sure go ahead, I’ll pay for it because that’s what you want and that’s all that matters. That’s the way you’re coming across although I’m sure I’m slanting it in a way you don’t intend, just as you’re slanting what I was trying to say. If this is how you operate with your children, I’d like to be adopted please.</p>
<p>Believe me, my daughter is dedicating her life to helping kids on the spectrum so I would be the last to try to suggest that any of these kids not be given the opportunity to gain their independence. I wish only the best for all of you trying to find the best opportunities for your children, whether neurotypical or on the spectrum.</p>
<p>Magnolia Mom – I don’t think a single poster has “pushed for a school across the country”.</p>
<p>The kid is in 11th grade thinking about colleges. He WANTS a school across the country, Cal Tech. </p>
<p>I SAID he should be allowed to APPLY to that school and ALSO encouraged to apply to local schools, and than a decision should be made in the spring of his senior year, when all options can be considered, and it will be more apparent what the young man is capable of. At that point, the issue might be moot, because Cal Tech might reject him. </p>
<p>I don’t think anyone advocated anything different. </p>
<p>But one step at a time: he has to apply and get admitted first. Cal Tech does NOT have a binding ED system – they offer non-binding EA – so whether he gets in or not, his family is free to wait until May 1st of his senior year to make a final decision.</p>
<p>The benefits of applying to multiple schools for a student with disabilities goes beyond school choice. After he has been accepted to multiple schools, he will also have an opportunity to compare the services and support they each offer. He will find that each is very different, but exploring what each campus offers students such as him will help him (and his family) develop a betters sense of what may be available as well as what might be ideal. So going through the process of talking to the disabilities office of each college will help get a better sense of what to ask about at other colleges. </p>
<p>You refer to “compromise” but I don’t see how it’s “compromise” if the kid isn’t allowed to explore the option in the first place. </p>
<p>I limited my kids’ choices based on finances - I had to – but that had nothing to do with where they could apply. Instead, I said something like, “apply wherever you want, but I can only pay $X, so you will need to get financial aid.” My kids each turned down their #1 top choice schools, which admitted them, for financial reasons. There was nothing really to debate in the end. But my son attended up attending a college that I assumed all along was unaffordable, because that college ended up being very generous about financial aid. I went through the entire college admission process cracking jokes about that college and saying it was way too expensive, and then my jaw dropped when I saw the financial aid package. If I had ruled out applying, how would we have gotten to that position?</p>
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<p>No, more often than not, my kids use their own money to pay for all of the unusual stuff they want to do.</p>
<p>Cal Tech is generous with financial aid so money is unlikely to be the issue with that school. </p>
<p>The kid wants to study math and astrophysics. Cal Tech would be on anyone’s top-5 list for math/science/engineering schools, so it is not at all analogous to backpacking across Europe. Rather, its about a kid aiming for the best possible education in his chosen field, and his major also happens to be one with respectable, practical applications. I mean, this is a degree that is highly likely to lead to a job. </p>
<p>When you analogize a very practical goal (attend top college with strong math/science offerings, get degree) – with “backpacking across Europe” – I wonder where YOU are coming from as a parent. This is about choice of a college. Cal Tech is a college. No one would dispute that it is an excellent college. The kid’s top choice may turn out to be unrealistic or unfeasible in the end for a number of reasons, but it certainly is not a crazy or unreasonable choice at the outset.</p>