How is my college essay and how can i improve it???

College Essays
1

<p>“Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can - there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.” – Sarah Caldwell</p>

<p>Cold surfaces of the floor, dirt roads, and the voices of young children going to school. Uniforms and their lunch containers every child being the same. Other children different from the lives of the children who go to school. Sitting on the side of the dirt street waiting for someone to give some money. Clothes ripped up and dirty the only thing they have and the only thing they can afford. Young ladies not having the privilege or freedom to go to college or even have a good job. Thinking all they’re good at is working at home and waiting for a proposal to come. Arrange marriages aren’t a surprise because it’s a traditional part of these girls. </p>

<p>Walking towards my living room about to lay on my comfy sofa. Watching television and enjoying the unlimited amount of food. Knowing I have a life of paradise compared to kids who live in poverty. I thank not only God, but two wonderful people who have always been there for me. I call them my parents. This isn’t really all about me, but how my parents are an influential part of my life.</p>

<p>The life of my parents as children is completely different from the way I live my life. Education being limited with nine brothers and sisters. My parents have always told my three brothers and I to appreciate the life we have. Whenever I would be tired and complaining about school my parents would tell me to be grateful. They also told me that children who can’t afford to go to school get really upset and it’s a dream for them that they want to come true. </p>

<p>Coming from Pakistan wasn’t an easy thing for my parents. They didn’t have the best education so they couldn’t have the best salaries. Being newlyweds my mom always wanted to do a course in cosmetology, but since she had a strict father-in-law he told her that there was no need for that. Years go by and we’ve owned and sold many businesses from gas stations to grocery combined with deli and a card store. During these times my mom and dad decided to help the guy they were working with and lent him money. When my parents wanted to ask if he can pay us back since we needed at the time he was no where to be found. It was as if the ground had swallowed him because he disappeared into thin air. Devastated it was hard seeing my mom cry and in stress since I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s been hard financially, but we all manage.</p>

<p>They had also told me that I need to focus on my education and not to end up like them. They want us to be something in life so we don’t turn like them having difficulties financially. My parents just want us to have a life without stress and to be able to support our family.</p>

<p>I’m ready to change and be able to call myself a successful person. Time has been getting closer to graduation. My heart beating fast. Nervous, scared, but excited to start the life as a college student. Can’t wait to say goodbye Sachem East and hello college.</p>

2

<p>It should be more about you.</p>

3

<p>^ I was just about to say the same thing</p>

4

<p>Try using more sentences.</p>

5

<p>Good style… you talk of your family and parents and they inspire you, great… but don’t go for sympathy or sound like they are pulling your strings …sound stronger and you should portray making lemonade from lemons in your life…good luck !</p>

6

<p>Some style issues. Ex. too much use of the “being” verb; active voice is more effective. But yea, focus on yourself a little more.</p>

7

<p>thank u everyone for the advice it helped me a lot to understand how to write better :)</p>