<p>The rich wafting aroma of Folgers coffee fills the morning air inside my cheerfully colored kitchen as Noah and The Whale plays softly in the background.
It is a beautiful start to an almost equally beautiful day. The clear December morning is a nice break from the unpredictable weather of New England. Days like this are one of lifes simple pleasures, and should be enjoyed when given the chance, as they tend to quietly come and go just as like a cool breeze on a sweltering hot day. I pour myself a hot cup of coffee, no cream, just sugar, and I am ready for the day ahead.
I feel there is an indescribable calmness today as I make my way toward the parlor and ensue to sit on the hideously designed sofa that has been with me for many years. The same sofa I spent many days and nights upon, sometimes to do work or for just relaxing. The room is quiet this morning, save for the tiny white space heater in the corner humming away. The light from between the shades beams brightly into the room, hitting everything it sees, creating an almost kaleidoscopic effect, and I cannot help but think that this is the perfect atmosphere to write in. Soon after I break out my dinosaur of a laptop and begin to type, I think to myself, What would make me stand out against all those other students?
If you were to take one look at me, you would see a typical teenager, I wear American Eagle, I have a loving family, and I have no physical afflictions nor any mental problems. Yes, I could talk about the predictable themes of diversity that are race and skin color. However, diversity is so much more than just physical characteristics. Diversity encompasses everything a person has experienced in life, either from their day-to-day affairs to their tastes in music and outlook on life to where they are located on the world.</p>
<p>Please…reply…anyone, could be about anything.</p>
<p>alright well the only thing i would say is that your transition is kinda weird
its well written i suppose, it just seems like u start off talking about this beautiful morning and then somehow it gets into the topic of diversity … work on connecting something specific from that morning into the idea of diversity, converge more on the central idea –> is this just some random morning where u’ve woken up and decided to write a college essay that u are describing? any importance to the morning in which u go into so much detail about? if so, state it</p>
<p>I mean at this point it seems like your writing a college essay about being different from other college students (diversity) basically u want to explain what makes you “different” by literally writing about it in ur essay, which might end up being sorta dangerous depending on how different colleges are going to approach your own take on diversity Stray away from this steaming heap of detail (fluff) at the beggining
and get more into ur topic. ur obviously a good writer, just need to centralize ur focus</p>
<p>im just another high school kid though … what do i know</p>
<p>Can you help me cut out some stuff?</p>
<p>Your essay sounds very cliche and devoid of passion. You do a good job of using imagery. I like that. But to me, the set up seems way too long. You need to pick up a main idea, a theme, to write on.</p>
<p>As a reader, I have no idea where this is headed.</p>
<p>I, honestly, dislike the way it starts. It is very slow, and the description, although good in itself, tells me nothing about who you are. If you are trying to get somewhere, just start there. I feel that the intro is unnecessary.</p>
<p>What my suggestion would be is pick an anecdote, a story - something simple, and work with that. Think about one specific point in your life, and write about it and its impact on you. But don’t dwell too much on descriptions and especially generalities like “diversity.”</p>
<p>I like the way you write, but that simply has none of the elements of an admission essay yet. Your lengthy introduction creates a sense that you didn’t have much to tell the admissions officers about yourself and are just trying to fill in. Try to think about an event, something that happened to you and exemplifies your points about “diversity”. You can’t just give general statements like “diversity is…”. So try and find specifics. Don’t forget about basic rules of essay writing; whenever you give a statement, you have to supply evidence, most often in the form of an example. For this purpose, something that shows YOU in ACTION would serve you well. How did you react in a situation etc? They are interested in getting to know you, after all. 
That’s the entire point of the essay. Also, focus on what is different in you, not why you could be mistaken as “just anyone else”.</p>
<p>i think you are trying to mimic the conn college essay you reference in another post. [Connecticut</a> College : Admission - Sarah Seigle '12, Montpelier High School, Montpelier, VT](<a href=“http://www.conncoll.edu/admission/7425.htm]Connecticut”>http://www.conncoll.edu/admission/7425.htm) Prob is, that writer seemed more connected to her topic. when she wrote about her day, i was interested. i would say to regroup and choice a topic that does a better job of defining ‘you’. i think using the 1st person in describing your day is a great idea, but step away from using the other persons essay as a model, and write about something you have done that meant something to you personally that will help let the adcom know you.</p>
<p>Okay guys thanks for all of the advice, I decided to scrap this essay and start a new one. One thats more about me :)</p>
<p>I agree with the posters’ comments about your essay.</p>
<p>Also, it’s not a good idea to post essays because they’re likely to get stolen by unethical, lazy students.</p>