How long for a freshman to adjust (to parents who've been there)

Parent Cafe
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<p>My child is in a very tough,but fun school. Child is involved in many different clubs, etc., and had a great deal of fun going from party to party every weekend. However, child has not formed any true alliances. The problem is that now these "alliances" plan on what party they are going to etc., and all go together. Child has no one to contact...where in the past, groups of people would just hook up and go. Child had a great group of friends in HS, in fact, was in the most fun and popular crowd (although I hate that description)....who's to say who's popular or not....but they were the cream of the crop of their class, scholastically, athletically, socially, etc. However, child depended on a close friend or two to make all of their social arrangements, and then child went along. </p>

<p>Since child was always surrounded by a group of kids, and two good ones in particular, we had no idea (well, actually looking back, I think we did realize it), that child was afraid of rejection, and making committments. Although child is stand out athlete and scholar, child is very self concious and somewhat insecure.</p>

<p>So.......at what point would I consider it a problem if child has alot of social buddies at school, but no close friends to connect with. Even meal time is odd....child goes when schedule permits, so during the week, it was never a problem going to b,l or dinner alone. I guess now on weekends, when a group goes down for good, child really can't bring itself to connecting to get there, although child will sit down people that child knows once in the cafeteria and settled with food.</p>

<p>When child calls on cell phone, child is always intterupted by people passing buy and having a chat or to with child. So....child is friendly and many people know and acknowledge child, but doesn't have close buddies.</p>

<p>Is this something I should worry about. If so, what should I do? What is normal progress of freshman. Otherwise, grades and school work are excellent, and child is involved in many different clubs, etc.</p>

<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>

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<p>I think this varies greatly from child to child. My younger son is a college freshman this year. He seems to have already made a couple (at least) friends, along with a lot of good acquaintances. He spent the weekend at one friend's home last week. However, this son is a very outgoing, friendly kid with a strong self-image. </p>

<p>My older son, on the other hand, is much slower to make friends. While he made some friends his freshman year, I don't think any were particularly close. However, over the four years, he did make a small group of friends, some from his dorms, some from classes, and the largest group from a club he joined and especially enjoyed being in.</p>

<p>It can take time to make good friends. It sounds like your child may just be checking out different groups and getting to know people, but not yet ready for a close friend. I myself was a very shy freshman back in college, and I think I only made one close friend my freshman year--my second roommate. However, the next year I got in with a group that was very open and welcoming, AND with which I had a lot in common, and I made several friends.</p>

<p>Unless your child is calling and talking about how lonely he/she is, or showing signs of depression, I wouldn't worry. Each person has a different timetable, and it can take time to adjust to the different world of college. Things will probably be just fine.</p>

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<p>Boy = Sounds pretty normal to me.</p>

<p>Girl = I'm less sure.</p>

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<p>If the child is not unhappy, I don't think you should worry at this point.</p>

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<p>My S said that freshman year you have tons of friends and people to do things with but not the close relationships of high school. By sophomore year even end of freshman year they become truly close with more intimate relationships ,to the point where they feel more bonded to their college buddies then high school. Now this was for my S and I have a freshman D who has seemed to bond already with her suitmates but lucked out to get some extremely like minded friends and a roomate who she plans to room with again. It was the luck of the draw I think. I would bet that your D by the end of this year will start to feel closer to her college buddies. If she had the ability to form those tight bonds in HS she will do it again. It just takes time. For girls the adjustment is harder I think as my D gets homesick and my S never felt homesick. I have heard part of that is Pomona;s policy with freshman and how they integrate them in sponsor groups . I would not worry, but easy for us to say I know.</p>

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<p>I am of the mindset that we go through life knowing a whole lot of people and having very few friends (everyone just gets lumped into the this is my friend category because we normally don't people enemies or refer to them as someone I know).</p>

<p>Right now your son is just getting to know a lot of people and he seems to be all right with that. Remember he has only been in school a little over 2 months, and good friendships/relationships develop and grow over time. You know your son better than we do, does he have a lot of superficial friends or friends that he can count on to have his back no matter what? This is first foray into adulthood and the * friends * that he makes during his college years he will probably have the rest of his life so there is nothing wrong with taking your time to choose them.</p>

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<p>Wow, the OP's child sounds exactly like me...except I don't party. I have "friends" through various clubs/classes/etc. but we don't hang out at all outside of these activities, making me feel a bit lost and at loose ends at what to do. Most of the time, I just end up hanging out by myself on Fri/Sat nights, which can be pretty lonely and frustrating. (Plus, the drinking culture on campus really annoys me, because it is by far the dominant social scene, and I don't like to drink at all.) Maybe it has to do with being introverted, but I feel like I'm making an effort and not getting too much in return.</p>

<p>I'm just not sure what to do, and I'm going to give it at least till Christmas to make a definite decision. I like the small classes, rigorous academics, good athletics, and being really involved in a range of activities, BUT I pretty much hate the social scene. But if I transferred, I have NO idea what school would better fit the bill.</p>

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<p>Juba2jive - are you at my daughter's school? Send me a PM, may take me awhile to reply.</p>

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<p>This was a problem I also faced during my freshman year. I thought about transferring, but couldn't figure out if there was anywhere I would like better. Now, in my sophomore year, I have found the kids I fit with, I don't have to spend friday/saturday nights alone while "everyone" else went drinking. It just takes time to make close friends. I would say it's far too soon to be really worried.</p>

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<p>I want to thank all of the people who replied. I think (with the exception of Jubajive...if I remember the name correctly) everyone sort of brought to the surface the feelings that I had. that it is too early to have very close alliances, and as long as he is social, and active, then it is OK.</p>

<p>As far as Jubajive.(sorry if I have the name wrong), I don't know how to reply to you as I am asking sort of the same questions. But, I hope you can read some type of message into your situation from the wonderful replies that I received. My child isn't introverted, therefore, child's situation is a bit different from yours. </p>

<p>That being said, there are tons of introverted people in the world, so you are not alone. I just don't know what road you should follow....but you sound so nice so I am sure that things will work out for you.</p>

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<p>You pretty much just described my social life at college. It's not how I'd like it....but making new close friends is hard.</p>

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<p>i just posted on the parent cafe a similiar question...i heard a college counselor make this remark (a bit blunt, but true i think): you don't make best friends your first semester in college. sounds accurate, but the issue for many lonely students is--it sounds--how to survive in the meantime? i think this is especially difficult for students who have come from school/community environments where they did have strong ties...i hope your child is feeling better connected.</p>

13

<p>Absolutely out of context to the conversation (please pardon):</p>

<p>I cannot read the OP</p>

<p>without thinking of a certain movie line:</p>

<p>"Child... is no longer a child.... Child... IS A MOUSE!"</p>

<p>(apologies....)</p>

14

<p>Making real friends freshman year can be such a personal (and sometimes traumatic) experience. It's not fair to compare a few months of freshman fall term with several years of hs, considering a child may have "grown up" with hs friends over a long period of time. </p>

<p>I know that back in the day, when I was a freshman, people in the dorms were very friendly, but the real test for me was Thanksgiving break. Being 2300 miles from home, when no dorm "friend" invited me home for Thanksgiving, I didn't feel like I had any real college friends, especially when some other out-of-state students did get invited home.</p>

<p>Friendship is relative and one has to give it time to develop, as well as accept what does or does not happen. </p>

<p>Luckily, I knew, prior to going away to college, how to create my own entertainment and support systems, how to find my way around a town, how to go to concerts, plays, libraries and museums, even other college campuses, alone or with others. I was not 100% dependent on having close friends in order to enjoy my college experience.</p>