<p>My S is a freshman at a large university. He seems to like it and says he "feels at home" there. I'm worried though as he doesn't seem to be making any good friends and sounds like he's in his room studying alot. In high school it tooks until his junior year to make his really good friends. I love that he is doing well academically but worry that he doesn't mention anyone at school or mention that he goes out or eats with anyone. He is a greeter at the football games and goes to movies, information sessions by it sounds like he's doing this alone. We talk to him once a week, and he e-mails us infrequently and in these communications he sounds fine - should we be worried?</p>
<p>From how you are describing it, he sounds fine. He says he feels at home and he is involved in some activities. Not everyone makes close friends quickly. I think this is particularly true with boys. And don’t discount the casual interactions of classroom time, the cafeteria, etc. The fact that he is studying a lot is a good thing; he realizes its importance for his future.</p>
<p>I agree that it is too early to worry…as you said, it takes time for your son to find good friends. If he sounds good and is getting involved and doing his school work, the rest will come. When my son started college, he made some superficial friends on his dorm floor but those quickly faded as he found others that he had more in common with and were more to his liking. It wasn’t until 2nd semester sophomore year and beginning of junior year till he really cemented his group of friends. Of course, then he decided to transfer and start all over again…but that’s another story! :)</p>
<p>One thing that can help in the meeting people and making friends department is getting an on-campus job in an environment where you see a lot of people. Jobs like help-desk, tutoring, working in the cafeteria, etc. It’s kind of a forced environment where you see a set of the same people all the time along with many others that only drop in from services now and again.</p>
<p>If there is a small fraternity he could look into (not the heavy drinking type, but a more intellectual and serious one), he might like it alot. A group of close friends right there, always something social to do. As long as he could find one where people are there not just to party.</p>
<p>The OP just registered on CC. I suspect if she hangs out here for a while, she will be humbled by the variety of things that other mothers and kids really, truly have to worry about, the heartbreaking, crushing stories that come around like clockwork.</p>
<p>I’m not going to tell anyone not to worry about her kids – I worry plenty about mine – but one of the things I learn here all the time is how great my kids and I have it.</p>
<p>Sorry to disagree with everyone - but I think that a teenager with no friends whatsoever is waving a red flag.
Could it be, however, that he really does have at least one friend or is in a relationship but is not telling you? It sounds like he is trying to keep things very private with infrequent communication, and I am wondering why.
Is it possible for you to visit him at school? This might give you a little more insight into what is really going on.</p>
<p>You know your S better than any of us so we’re not in the position you are to make this call but - from your description it doesn’t sound like there’s much of a problem. You didn’t indicate he doesn’t have any good friends - just that that’s the impression you’re getting. It sounds as if he’s happy, academics are going well, he gets out to do things, including interactive things like being a greeter (which dispells the notion of being shy to the point of being introverted), and feels like it’s a good fit for him - all good. </p>
<p>Some people, and it sounds as if your S may be one, don’t have a lot of ‘good friends’ since it generally takes some time for a friendship to mature enough to fit wome people’s description of a ‘good friend’ as opposed to more of an acquaintance or someone to hang out with every now and then. </p>
<p>The other thing to consider is the HW/studying. Depending on his major he might find he truly has a lot more work than when he was in HS (he might have less too). If he’s an engineering/CS major in particular, he might be pretty swamped with work but that’ll settle out after he adjusts to the workload.</p>
<p>Just keep an eye out for things like depression or if he becomes too introverted. You could always ask him directly how it’s going with making friends. He might not always volunteer everything that’s happening in this regard the way he might have when he was living at home.</p>
<p>Does he have a roommate?</p>
<p>DON’T WORRY. Your son says he feels at home, fine. You can’t expect a son to tell you anything about his life at school (plenty of threads with comments from mothers of sons like me). Leave well enough alone. It takes time to develop friendships, the sustained ones are most likely met through classes and in the same major. He probably has a more active social life than you imagine, he’s not about to divulge details. He should be doing the studying. Sounds completely normal. </p>
<p>I agree with usc…dad (post #8). No indications that he has NO “friends”. Sounds like the normal son who doesn’t tell mom things. Do NOT try to visit him to check up on things. Joining clubs/frats is not the answer if he is happy doing what he does.</p>
<p>My kids tended to tell us less and less about their friends as time went on. Since their IB high school was at the other end of the district, we didn’t know nearly as much about their hs friends as earlier. But they had friends, even if they opted to not share the details with us. </p>
<p>DS would have told us nothing at all for 4 years if we let him. When we asked a name, he’d say “you don’t know him”. Having gone through this with DD, we were smart enough to say, “and we never will if you don’t mention names”. He’s now in college, and we don’t press so hard for details.</p>
<p>Thanks alot for all the comments. My husband tells me that I am worrying about nothing, and even if he doesn’t have the social life that I wish for him that this is my S’s problem and if he’s not happy with it he has to do something about it. My S hasn’t indicated that he has a problem but since he isn’t one to tell me what is going on his life all I can do is wonder. My hope in posting this thread was to hear that this is “normal” and that their son or daughter went through the same thing and later in their school career ended up with great friends. I know he does talk to people at school as he’ll say “someone was telling me about this course” but again doesn’t seem to be going “out” with anyone or group. I guess I shouldn’t listen to the other mothers talk about about what their freshman or doing, or read all the fun facebook posts that my S friends have written. Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>Some students are just a little more solitary. My DD2 is like that. Has some casual friends but no close ones, but she is undeniably happy at her school and enjoying her life (I think more than she was at home). My DW and I think that some day some guy (or girl, who knows) will sweep DD2 off her feet and they’ll have a life long relationship. It’s just not that time right now.</p>
<p>First of all, you yourself said he didn’t have many friends until his junior year in hs. That tells me he takes a while to feel comfortable. I’m also happy to see you write that he’s a greeter at football games and that he goes out to movies. He’s probably fine.</p>
<p>I say that with a little envy. My son had a terrible freshman year. He was so lonely and never left his room. He never eat a meal with anyone. But, unlike your son, he admitted he was miserable. He also had difficulty coping with the demands of school. He was just overwhelmed and should never have gone so far away. My big regret was that I never went out to visit him, except for Parent’s Weekend. But that was in October, and we had no clue that his lonely life never improved. </p>
<p>So, if you’re really worried I’d suggest you visit him one weekend. Take him out to dinner, go to a movie. Seeing how he’s doing will tell you more than a weekly phone call. Or just remember that he takes a while to make his friends and stop worrying.</p>
<p>A weekend visit is a great idea, if possible. During my DD’s freshman year we took her and her friends out for dinner several times. The friends told us interesting stories about her and classes and campus fun. </p>
<p>If a visit is not feasible, maybe your son could set up Skype. We use the Skype chat/messaging option (if DS is logged on, which is more rare than I’d like). Other families set up the audio/video too and get a lot of comfort out of seeing and hearing their kids.</p>
<p>kjchpmom- Your husband is right. My daughter is not the type of person that makes close friends. She has some casual friends but not one really close friend. I am already worried about what is going to happen when she goes to school in the fall. I am beginning to realize that by my worrying and pushing I am probably making things worse. What I want for her is not necessarily what she wants for herself. You son sounds like he is enjoying his first year in college.</p>
<p>I’m worried about mine too!!</p>
<p>The worst part of this is this S, who is my oldest, is/was actually pretty social. My next son who is a junior in high school now in my introvert. If I’m worried about my oldest now, I’m definitely not looking forward to sending my junior to college in 1-1/2 years! Thank goodness my last son, a hs freshman, is outgoing!!!</p>