How many kids are having a hard adjustment?

Parents Forum
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<p>A year ago my son was not happy with his choice. We had a 30 second discussion about transferring.</p>

<p>When we discussed the concerns(a much longer discussion) a year ago, we looked at what was bothering him and tried to put each one in a column- 'things that could change' ' things that were not going to change' ' things that were a problem because he was a freshman'-- likely to be a problem no matter where he was. His closest friends were all gleeful at the schools they picked-- all much smaller than his. </p>

<p>There were some things that were not going to change:students at his school are affluent and materialistic and some seemed to get in on the backs of their affluence rather than their 'merit'; the housing at the school is not fabulous; it was not the 'same experience' as high school had been- kids were just different (this is true, due to his HS/life experiences).</p>

<p>There were some things that were going to change: class sizes would decrease over time and become more ri</p>

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<p>"Learn to bloom where you are planted".</p>

<p>What if we don't like where we're planted?</p>

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<p>Once you're planted, you've got no choice -- it's bloom or wither ;).</p>

<p>Not to say there no chance of transplant--but wouldn't you rather be transplanted as a healthy specimen? lol</p>

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<p>A year ago my son was not happy with his choice. We had a 30 second discussion about transferring.</p>

<p>When we discussed the concerns(a much longer discussion) a year ago, we looked at what was bothering him and tried to put each one in a column- 'things that could change' ' things that were not going to change' ' things that were a problem because he was a freshman'-- likely to be a problem no matter where he was. His closest friends were all gleeful at the schools they picked-- all much smaller than his. </p>

<p>There were some things that were not going to change:students at his school are affluent and materialistic and some seemed to get in on the backs of their affluence rather than their 'merit'; the housing at the school is not fabulous; it was not the 'same experience' as high school had been- kids were just different (this is true, due to his HS/life experiences).</p>

<p>There were some things that were going to change: class sizes would decrease over time and become more rigorous as well; he would be able to make more specific classes of greater interest rather than some of the general classes he wasn't loving as much; he would meet more people and develop a stronger sense of community and attachment; as a sophomore he would not need to take a dining plan; as a sophomore he could live in a dorm where he didn't have to share a bathroom with 15 people; he could access a different advisor; as classes became smaller and there was more discourse he would see that the girl with the Prada bag and boots might actually have a lot to offer intellectually; the kids who partied 'immaturely' were not going to be part of his social circle for long. </p>

<p>Then there were the things that were just freshman stuff: not having friends like I had 'back home', not feeling like he 'knew the system' well enough, missing home. </p>

<p>I think this was a useful exercise for him. It helped him to see that most of the things that were most unpleasant were also resolvable. </p>

<p>Your child, Texasmom, is in a different situation if 'small size' is an issue. The school can never feel any bigger than it does (a large school starts to feel smaller over time...so does a small school-- this was a big issue for my son#2 after hearing the stories from son#1 about small school life). I think this is something that has to be considered. Furthermore, while the school might feel more rigorous at a point where the classes are smaller and the students 'more accountable'-- this is not necessarily going to 'solve' this issue.</p>

<p>I am a bloom where you are planted person myself, and my kids have managed to thrive in foreign soil. But, I think it is an issue where analysis tops sentiment. But then, I am that way about most things.</p>

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<p>Anitaw--Love the way you & your child analayzed the situation. It must have felt very empowering for your child & family & helped give him valuable tools to resolve future problems via thorough analysis. Glad to see that it helped your S reach a reasoned decision that was right for him.</p>

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<p>Once you're planted, you've got no choice -- it's bloom or wither .</p>

<p>I thought transferring was a choice. lol.</p>

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<p>My DD1 was not happy with her school, it was the financial safety, she did not do a great job choosing a good range of school to which she applied and she had poor choices- very expensive (NYU) or flagship state as safety. She talked transferring the first year, I decided it she wanted to do it, she could do the apps herself, she talked transferring the 2nd year, then she seriously checked into it for her third year and was concernded about losing credits for classes that would not transfer to fulfill requirements at a new school. She determined to just stick it out at the original place, but is has never been a good experience, she will not look back on it as fun and wonderful adn full of good memories, and is was still a lot of $, financial safety or not.</p>

<p>BUT, DD2 is at another flagshipo state U and was also unhappy during the first year, sad to be away from family and BF. In the 2nd year things seemed to really come together for DD2 and she is having a great time. On paper, she had good grades and good things happen both years, but she is enjoying the experience and making good friends now, it is the joy in her voice that is different.</p>

<p>How do you tell when a kid should transfer or not? DD2 is the kind of kid who lives in the moment and wants to be happy every day. The first year, without her core group of buddies & BF was really hard for her. She made the choice to try it one more year and things seem to be working well. She knows herself and knows what she needs and sought it out and she did the school work the first year when she was unhappy so that she would have options. I did not know how it would work out, but I knew it would be well-considered, what ever her final choice.</p>

<p>DD1 is more of a seeker, seeking the perfect place. I don't think the school she attended was ideal for her, but I am not sure what else she would have done instead. Now she is almost done with her degree and that is the primary goal of college, but the personal development, the good times & good friends just did not happen the way one would hope. She did make friends and she did have some fun, but overall it was not a great time.</p>

<p>If your student transfers, will they be happier elsewhere? Is it the wrong school or is it them?</p>

<p>DD2 is not at the ideal school for her, she would do better in a small, private, LAC type school, yet she is making the state flagshipU small- campus job, sorority, sport team, roommate situation, clubs, getting to know professors personally, etc. So, it is the best school to cover as many needs as possible based on her requirements (sport team & location) and she is adjusting the experience to meet her needs.</p>

<p>What will be different and better in a new school? I don't think your student should choose until the spring time, all freshman go through this type of adjustment time.</p>

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<p>Instant gratification is not just for people running up credit cards.</p>

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<p>My son applied ED to Vanderbilt but by the time the date came for the response- he had changed his mind and preferred NYU. Fortunately for him- he was rejected at Vandy and was quite relieved. He attends NYU and LOVES it.- Could not be happier there. Things work out for the best some times.</p>

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<p>Texasmom, I'm so sorry to hear that your DS is still hoping to transfer. DD is very happy there. I recall how excited your DS was at one time about going there. I hate it that it hasn't met his expectations. He is in one of DD's classes and she said he appears to be involved in class discussions, etc. I hope he will change his mind, but I see nothing wrong with allowing a child to transfer out if he is really unhappy. Because I am not in your situation, I don't know that I could really advise as to what I would do if it were my child. I would like to think that I would encourage her to stick it out for the year, but how I believe I would handle it versus how I would actually handle it may be two different things. Hopefully your Thanksgiving holiday together will provide some resolution. Big hugs and best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>So why kids want to transfer and how to choose it well first time around? Any common mistakes, trends?
The way I see it is not hard to transfer/ if one does not count going through bunch of application hoops again/ but the question is- will you find another college better place or just bring all your old baggage to new place?
It hurts when your child seems unhappy.</p>

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<p>You know...even with the best job, sometimes the school doesn't work out. Transferring is NOT the worst thing in the world. Back when the dinosaurs roamed, I enrolled in a very very small LAC. I wanted something very different than my suburban high school. Well...I got different, but I realized into my second semester that I did NOT want to stay at this tiny school. So I transferred to one of my instate universities, and I was not worse for the wear. I did, however, stay the full year so as to maximize my transfer credits (I was transferring from a semester school to a quarter school so this was very important). My husband went to 4 different colleges on his 12 year quest to receive his bachelor's degree. In the end, it all worked out fine...just took a long time. I guess I will have faith that it will all work out for my kids also.</p>